A Little Girl vs. Woman

So by now, I am sure you realize that I am a big analyzer on almost every subject in life. I try not to be, but I cannot help it. I feel like I can never turn off my brain, and it is maddening in many ways.

Well, anyway, one of the major things that I have been considering is where I am as a person. I feel like I am such a girl at heart, but the world doesn't always like that. But I feel so far from a woman because I know I have a lot of growing up to do.

I guess a lot of this comes from my first relationship, where I realize that I was not as prepared to handle certain situations the right way. Looking at it now, I see that how I act a lot of times around people is how I think they want me to react. I don't always react based on how I feel nor do I really say how I feel.

I remember last year I wrote in my other blog (Tumblr) an entry on how being brave is one trait I wish to have. This is a great example of how I don't have it. Being able to tell someone how I really feel on a situation, especially if it involves them, is not easy for me to do. So what I do instead is hold my tongue, act cool and try to remain level headed. I had the idea that no conflict means nothing is wrong, and this so isn't true. I never want to be the one to rock the boat because of how I am feeling, but I guess in the long run, holding things in is ultimately causing issues. I think realizing this is one way I have grown in the last year.

It seems like an obvious concept, but saying how you feel to someone seems like such an adult way of behaving. The kid inside of my, or the unexperienced girl in life, just wants to hide from dealing with this, but the adult side of me knows I need to face it head on. I am just afraid too.

That is just one example of how I feel torn on where I am as a person. I want to remain a kid at heart for the rest of my life. Yes, I enjoy kids activities: coloring, painting, mini-golfing, disneyland, building forts, getting ice cream, making crafts, etc. I pray that there is never a day I don't enjoy them. But does liking/participating in kid's activities make me less of a "woman"?

To be honest, I don't even like calling myself a "woman" because it sounds old, and I am really insecure about it. Just in my last post, I refer to my friends and I as "young women" for the first time ever. I like the idea of being considered young and enthusiastic about life. I just don't see myself as an adult quite yet.

That leads me to my next question, what is it that defines a woman as a woman? Is it having a husband, house and kids? Is it having her own career, being an independent person in life? Is it defined on age alone? If it is, what age is it? In this country age 18 is when you are an adult, but yet, I was never called a woman at age 18. I was called "young lady", even today this holds true. Back 200 years ago, age 14 or 15 was basically a woman because girls were expected to marry.

I guess I am lost in what I feel a true woman is. In my mind, I think being a woman involves being of a certain maturity with decent life experience under your belt where you know how you believe, think, and feel about certain situations. She knows how to truly be herself but also not just keep herself together but hold a family/friends together as well. A true woman is confident and strong, and knows how to read, interpret, and reach out to those she knows best without talking.

I can honestly say, that I am not there. Nor am I certain I will ever be there, but in our society, how do we know someone has crossed that bridge? This may be a side note, but I just wish our society really had great women roles models in pop culture. I hate seeing all the "women fighting" shows like Real Housewives or Bad Girl's Club, etc. That is such a conflicting message where grown women act like middle schoolers. I know as a future woman, that is nothing I aspire too, and I wish young girls also realize that. Maybe that contributes to why I feel confused myself.

Alright I think I made my point. I have been doing a lot of thinking about where I am on the "growing up" scale of life. I know I am a girl in many, many ways, but I am also becoming my own person. I still remain innocent about a lot of the ways of the world but at the same time, I am starting to understand how this world works or doesn't work. Girl or woman, I am liking who I am becoming, and I hope others see that. But when I return home for now, I know a few of my family members will call me a grown "woman" and I just at the thought of that, I shrink into a ball like a little girl, thus disproving their point on the spot. Sometimes I just wish Peter Pan would come and wisk me away right now towards Neverland and away from the adult world. :D

Until then... keep dreaming!

An Offer Has Been Made!?

(7/14/11)

Wow... life has delivered some big twists today! It is funny how life can change in one day... 24 hours. I will just cut to the chase... I got a job offer!! I cannot tell you anymore than that, but I am super excited!

I have so much to think about, but I will not post my thoughts for various reasons. I am going to think about all the various aspects of this position. If you wish to know more, please email me. Thanks!!

Goodbye Orlando, Hello LA, See you Tomorrow, Conan!

Hey Bloggers!

I am typing this entry on my flight as I head to Phoenix and leaving Orlando. : ( It is amazing how quickly time flies when it is the least convenient to you. I cannot believe 8 days have passed already. It seems I just got here. Oh well, I know I will back soon, not sure when, but it will happen.

Looking back over the week, it went really well. It was much for chill and relaxing than I had anticipated, but it also definitely had its stresses at some points. One stress point was finding all my rides to and from places. Thank you to those who helped! I really appreciate it. I only got stranded once, and I will go into that in a moment.

I had some great homemade meals, living room entertainment, and a nice night at Food and Wine that ended with sitting in the show booth at the American Pavilion to watch a concert from Starship. I also worked out and did some back exercise every day, (although my back has been acting up this trip a bit), as well as visited some old friends at the Great Movie Ride.

There were some things that did not get accomplished such as: Harry Potter World, Main Street Electrical Parade, TANGLED characters, Cowboys bar, and a Halloween party, but I still had a great trip. I will do all those next time.

My meetings with the executives did go well overall, and all three have offered the upmost support to help me get to where I want to be with the company. I was not expecting that type of reception. Was it because Orlandians are generally nicer, or is it due to being at WDW, or have I just gotten used to the demeanor of those in LA? Either way, they were all really kind to me. I am truly thankful for the chance to meeting with them all.

One of the biggest stressors was the day I had two meet and greets within two hours of each other, and my plan on how to get there fell through completely, and I was basically stranded for a bit. I had a rental car reservation that fell through and I could not get a car within 45 minutes, nor would the companies pick me up off of Disney Resort Property. I called a taxi, but had to stop at an ATM for cash to pay him. What I thought would be a quick ride, was a long ride and ended up costing me all my cash. I could not afford a way back to the next M&G unless it was free (HA!)

My meeting was all the way behind Magic Kingdom in the middle of nowhere because this location was meant to be hard to find. I had to walk around a security gate, which I got interrogated by an officer after I broke the security policy, and I had no car. I couldn’t afford a cab, and I had no time with Disney Transportation; plus, I would have to make my way backstage, and I did not know where I was going. Luckily, a good friend of mine came to my rescue. I could not have been more grateful! Oh, and btw, it was about 100 degrees at this time.

The weather tied the record for hottest days ever everyday this week, including this one. It was soooo hot this week! I cannot believe it is Oct/almost Nov. It was definitely June/July weather.

Anyway, I made it through the week, but one shift short of seasonal. I had two shift exchanges that were denied, so I hope to talk to manager to let it slide and keep my status. I would suck if all this effort was for nothing. I hope to stay seasonal, especially since it seems I will be leaving the Studios in Burbank for some time.

That brings me to Conan. I cannot believe I start tomorrow! YAYAYA! I really hope this is a beginning of a great opportunity and the beginning of a new career path. I am really nervous and excited all at the same time, even if it is for an internship. I know I am going to be thrown right in it, so I hope I will do well. I feel like this is the right move for me, and that feels great to say.

The only challenge is to find a job to sustain me the rest of my time. I will work M-Th, so I need a small job to work nights and weekends to survive. That is my goal for this week. Hopefully it will be successful. I just need to survive for a few months. SURVIVE! I also hope the jet lag won’t bother me. It usually sucks flying East to West for me, and it takes me most of the week to adjust to the time. I know I will be tired tonight, and I have a big day tomorrow to prepare for.

I will let you know how it all goes! Hopefully this is the beginning of a new chapter! However, if I did not have Conan to return too tomorrow, I think I would have stayed in Orlando a few more days. I just can’t let it go, although I noticed how bored I got this trip. I forget that the night life is not as good as LA, so for that, and I cannot believe I am admitting this, I miss LA.

Someone asked me this trip if I am happy. I haven’t thought of it like that in a while. I said, “I am becoming content.” I realize now, I have made friends, I have connections, and I have a direction, the only thing I need is a job. I need the thing I came out here for to really seal the deal I think. Then I will be happier. Maybe not Happy, but HappIER.

Okay, well, I am going to try and sleep, but doubtful. Thanks to my friends who helped me out this week!! I know this was the last week of relaxing for quite a while since I will buckle down and focus for the next few months. I had such a good week, and I hate to be leaving, but life has me going in another direction. So until next time…Goodbye Orlando, Goodbye Employment Boredom, Hello LA, and See you tomorrow, Conan!

A Breakthrough to Risk It All!

(written on Friday 10/15/10)

I heard back, and I have good news! I got the CONAN Internship!!!! YAYAYAYYAY!!

Okay, bringing it back down to earth. I got the internship!! I am sooo excited! This is a breakthrough for me. I have had my first yes in months! I am so excited. Did I say that already?

Breathe in.... breath out.... phew.... okay!

Now that my sanity is back, let me explain what this means. As many of you know, Conan O'Brian was kicked out of NBC last winter for some ridiculous reasons. He has not been on television since, but has signed a deal to start his own show on TBS. This new show, cleverly named, CONAN, will air on November 8th at 11pm.

Since Conan's disappearance, his popularity has skyrocketed. He is now one of the "untouchables" in Hollywood. His is being treated as if he is a movie star these days, and has such a huge following. Aside from that, working for him is even harder than talking to him. He brought over his staff from NYC when he moved to LA last year, so there have been few openings to work for him.

Now over the last 2 years, I have been applying to him in whichever way I could. I have been a Coco fan for years. He combines everything that I love: silly humor, great entertainment, variety of guests, live television audience, etc. Plus, I would watch him at night before I went to sleep in college. He is my entertainment when nothing else is on tv and I am always up at that hour. I never thought working for him would be possible.

BUT IT IS! His show is the beginning of something big. Even though he is not yet on the air, he will be around for years to come. He is not going anywhere; I am quite sure of that. For that reason alone, I am going to be taking a giant leap of faith and accept this internship. No brainer right? Well, this is going to cause a lot more extra work and struggle for me.

Internships are unpaid in this industry. Not only will I be working for free for 3 days a week for the show, I also need to get college credit. I need to prove I am a student in order to get this internship. So now, I need to enroll back into school (lose money), like a community college, in order for me to start. Back to school I go! (Isn't it funny? I am not qualified enough for an entry level job, but over qualified for an internship. Where is the middle ground?) Enrolling in a class will be my task for next week.

So aside from school credit, I also need to find another source of income to survive. I will need a job the other 4 days a week (say Thursday-Sunday) to pay rent, bills, gas, etc. Now what job will allow me to do that? I need to find a flexible part time job, and I am assuming it will not be in the industry. Perhaps waiting tables, babysitting, theme parks, etc. It is not ideal for me, but it is in hopes I will be getting in the industry soon.

I am also halting my job search for a bit. I am only going through with this internship, not because I need it ( I have 7 already), but because there is the slightest hope I may grow with the show. Conan is entering its first season, of hopefully many. I asked the girl I interviewed with if there was a possibility of me staying on full time, and she could not promise for there is always that chance of being cancelled. However, she was an intern three years ago, and now she is a producer for the Casting department. Do I need anymore proof?

In total, I will be risking it all for this internship. I will be risking my career job search, my savings to enroll in school, my chances of finding part time work to cover rent, everything I have come out here with, just for the smallest chance I can grow into the show. Crazy?!?!

I think I need a reality check! Still here. okay...

That is the story. That is my new direction: backwards! haha. Seriously though, I am going backwards to hopefully move forward for something that is practically my dream job. I think this is the smartest risk I am taking, but also the steepest. Everything is on the line because nothing is guaranteed. All or nothing. As my mom said, "No risk, no reward." I just hope it leads to reward and not ruin. I am taking it as the biggest investment of my career thus far. That is my approach to this internship.

It is strange to be leaving Disney for a while, but I am still seasonal in FL, so I am just leaving the Studios for a while. This is an answer to my prayers. I just pray I can find the income through odd jobs just to survive out here. I will worry about that next week. But for now... I want to take in this moment.

I am so scared, nervous, excited and anxious all at the same time. I will be the intern for CONAN! Not just the show, but specific to the Talent and Casting department! CRAZY! I will be dealing with all the celebrities, musical guests, talent, etc that you will see on the show. I will be interacting with the executives of this department, which I am sooo interested in. It could not have been a better department. The girls I will work with are really young and bubbly. They looked so happy working there. I just hope to be one of them some day.

For now, I may be the lowest on the totem pole, but hey, I will be there! So check it out everyone. Watch CONAN on Nov. 8th on TBS!!!

The Waiting Game... again

(written on Thursday 10/14/10)

I cannot remember if I wrote a post on the "Waiting Game" before I moved to LA in the winter, but it seems very Deja-Vu to me.

Anyway, I am posting a few more posts this week because I can. As you can tell by the title, I am trying to sit still and wait for some answers that I hope will come by tomorrow. This week was actually quite productive and unexpected.

I had about 5 interviews this week! I know! Apparently, 3 of them were from the jobs I had applied for last week (of the 24 I chose). I had two phone calls from ESPN, and one from Conan O'Brian's internship program. The internship interview went really well, and I really hope I get it. It would be specific to their talent and casting department, however, it is unpaid.

The other interview I had was through a friend referral to be Jillian Michael's business partner's assistant. It turns out there were some complications with that interview, but I am the top choice for Michael's 2nd assistant.

The final interview came randomly as well. I applied to a generic post online for an non-descriptive inquiry for a personal assistant to a producer some months ago. I never heard back until this week. It turns out, they still needed a personal assistant and it was for Judd Apatow and family! No way! The other assistants were really nice, but there would be no future in growth. I am there only as the personal assistant meaning: household manager, kitchen keeper, glorified babysitter. If I didn't want a big career, this would be great, but still not sure if it is for me. We will see.

Those were the five interviews. All great opportunities with great potential. I hope one of them comes through!

So... here I am... waiting...typing... blogging... not doing much. Just waiting for an answer, waiting for a direction. I was here months ago, and it is a strange feeling. Knowing something could change or it couldn't. I am in this weird limbo.

Oh well, here is to waiting! Hope to return with good news. Until then... have a great rest of your week. I will just be waiting.. right here... haha. Oh my life!

Weekly Dilemma... Smoothest or Hardest Course?

(written Wednesday 10/7- Sunday 10/10/10)

Alright, I have calmed down from my last post yesterday. Sorry, I just had to vent and this seemed a great platform to do so. How are you, my followers, doing? I hope you are all doing alright. The weather here is LA has been so strange lately. Always foggy, and not even around 70 degrees; just like Fall! YAY!

Well, like always, I have had a few thoughts running through my head this week, and I am not sure what to do. I have been struggling a bit over the last six months to find a job as you know. I seem to know a lot of people, and yet, nothing has landed. I know something will soon, but that is not the point. Throughout this process, I feel as if I have been open minded to where I land for the first job. Yes, I have an ideal start, but that is not the only thing I am pursuing. I have had interviews for all sorts of jobs, but lately, I have been thinking, maybe I am too picky? Have a been blind to what is right in front of me?

A few weeks ago, I gave a friend of mine a connection that led to a job. I acutally was able to give someone else a job. She was the second person I did that too. How am I able to help others but not myself? Funny, right? Well, I had an hour talk with her the other night about where she is currently working. She is working as a PA in an animation studio that does straight to DVD projects. She told me to not be picky and look into this. She absolutely loves her job, and the best part is: it's with Disney. She is so happy there. Her enthusiasm has made me second guess my process out here, hence my weekly dilemma.

Should I seriously consider working where I could have an easy in, even though it is not at all what I want to do, and still look for something else? Or, should I just work there, grin and bear it, and get experience knowing I will leave it soon? If I go to this department, would it be surrendering on pursuing my path for live television? Am I stupid for not going where I have this contact?

My arguement for taking it:

* It keeps me with Disney and making contacts, which is my ultimate goal for my career.

* I get production experience despite the medium

* Solves the "lack of experience" part of why I have not yet been hired

*Full benefits: health, dental, vision, and good salary

* Great influence and involvement in the creative process

Argument against:

* I love animation, but I am not into it as a career choice; I am one to push full force for what I want

* Once in animation, I hear it is hard to get out of it.

* Projects are years long, so I would be there for a while as a PA and not get other experiences

* I am not passionate at all about their projects

* Animation is all an office job, and I want to be moving around and not inside all day.

So what would you choose? I feel like I am walking a fine line and coming to a fork in the road. Do I take the unexpected and not really desired, but easily accessible, path? Or do I walk the unpredictable path in a direction I am unfamiliar with without knowing the promise it will take me to my desired destination? Am I closed minded for not wanting to take animation?

Depending on this decision, my job hunt will be severely affected. I am not bribed by money, or else this would be a simple choice, go with the animation job. However, I would not be true to my heart. In fact, I wrote an email referring another friend to my contact, and wrote a whole paragraph about how I would need a job too. I put the mouse on the "send" button, but I could not get myself to send it. I could not ask for a job in animation. I deleted the post and just referred my friend.

Is not pursuing that smart or stupid? Am I not logical for not taking it? I don't know, but one friend told me I am not that desperate yet, so I should keep going after what I want. I think I will take that advice for now. But that makes my wallet and stress a bit anxious!! I have been praying about this issue all week, but this is a hard one. I am just afraid of making the wrong decision.

Also, I have not heard from the temp agency since I last finished in Production over a month ago now. I am starting to feel the urgency of finding something soon. In fact, I applied to 24 jobs today. I hope to hear back from some of them soon. This unemployed game is really an emotional roller coaster! Plus being cursed with an over active/worried mind does not help my situation.

What are your thoughts? What path would you take? I hope your decision is as confident as I wish mine could be. I just feel at this point in time, I feel a calling for me beyond the animation/smoothest course path. I feel it is down the unpredictable one of live television with the hopes there will be something someday. Until then... I am trying to figure out my path. Enough thinking for tonight.

Night!

Can you Outgrow Your Dreams?

(Monday 913- Sunday 9/19)

I do not want this post to sound sad or depressing, but this has been a thought on my mind for quite some time. I guess with the natural string of events the last few weeks of not getting into the Studios as I wanted and adjusting to my new routine of not going to the office for the first time in six months, it makes me wonder about a lot of issues.

About two or three posts ago, I wrote a question and said it would be a new post. This is it. The question I wrote was: Is what I wanted still what I want? This is such a key question in my thought process and it does make me wonder. Do we ever outgrow our dreams?

I would like to say the answer is "no" to the later, but I would like to sit on this for a minute. When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was be a doctor. In high school, I became an EMT for five years, and I realized as much as I love anatomy, psychology and medicine, it was not what I was passionate about. I could be good at it, but not great. My next passion was entertainment. I pursued it in college and I fell in love with it. I felt right at home in the studio sets and new I had an act for it. What I am getting to is... I did not outgrow my doctor dream, I just matured from it and chose a different path.

In terms of me working for Disney, this is where it gets tricky. I have loved Disney since childhood, and have not had a passion working for any other company since. It has always been my goal to get to Burbank and work for the Studios. With a lot of work and opportunity, I was able to do so over the last 6 months, but it has still been an up and down roller coaster. I have realized working at the Studios is not all I thought it could be. I loved working in Production, but I felt my talents were not being used. I have been told by HR in order to work for the studios, I need to leave Disney, get experience and come back. I tend to do that, but I almost feel like I am betraying the company by looking elsewhere.

Should I consider working in another department of the company just because it is Disney even though it may not be what I ultimately want to do, or, do I go after what I want with another company and return? Still playing with this question.

Anyway, I feel like I accomplished some of my dreams within the last few months. I worked at the studios. I accomplished working in Production, and I accomplished getting to my #1 Hollywood goal: the Pirates set. Now what? Have I outgrown my dream of working at the Studios since I see little opportunity of getting in? Or do I still see that as the end goal, but I need to find another way around it to get in?

I also have noticed a change in what I ultimately want to do. I first came out here in hopes to become a Studio Executive for Disney. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Now... I am more confused about my direction, but I am itching to get back into live television. I see my self becoming an executive producer for a show or sitcom that is owned by Disney, either on ABC for shows like GMA, Regis and Kelly, etc, or even on Disney Channel. I love the new show, "Good Luck Charlie", because it contains all the elements I love: family, disney, humor, live audience, etc.

I guess to sum all things up... no we do not outgrow our dreams. I think they just evolve over time. Although my goal of being a Studio exec has changed, my current executive producer dream still upholds the same characteristics.

What do you think? Is it possible to outgrow your ultimate dream? Sure, over time we tend to realize we won't become our childhood dream of a firefighter, a ballerina, or a doctor, but I do not think we abandon our dreams all together. Heck, I am working for the company of dreams, and I believe fully in the power of going after what you want. The idea of outgrowing our dreams was a new thought to me, and because I am afraid of growing up, I know I will never let go of mine; they will just evolve with me.

One Moment: A Life-Changing Instant

I know this is late, but I mean to publish this on Friday, however, life's events got in the way. Let me explain.

This past week since my last entry, was one week of random events. Each of these random events were strong reminders to me that life can change on a moment's notice. All you need is one instananeous moment to change the very direction of your life. It seemed to come in good and bad forms for me this week. Nothing happened to me personally, it was affected by those around me.

One moment would be relating to a distant friend of mine whom I have only worked with for 2 months last fall. She was in a dreadful car accident that shattered her pelvis. For months, she is confined to the walls of her house, and the world of her family where she has to learn to walk again and stand. This accident, although 1.5 months ago, has made me realize that no one is able to predict the future. My friend's strength, courage and faith has been sooo inspiring to me, I do not wake up a day without praying for her recovery. I can only compare it to how I would handle it, I really don't think I could. It made me realize that I have to be so grateful for what I have and those around me.

The second moment related to my roommate. This past Wednesday night, my roommate got really sick and went to the hospital. Apparently, she had an unrepairable infected gall bladder, and had emergency surgery to remove it. I have been trying to take care of her as best I could over the last few days, but her mother flew in to do just that. Her incident was so fast to develop it blew my mind. All you need is that one moment for your life to change whether it is a week or months to your entire destiny.

There were also a few other events with friends throughout the country. One had a performed as Darth Maul in front of George Lucas, another got a phone call answering the prayer for a leadership position, etc. Personally, I have not been able to get the idea of an earthquake out of my head as they have been in my dreams the last few nights.

With all of these outside events happening around me, I have come to terms that life can/will change. All you need is one simple moment. That is it. Our very existence can come down to one split second. Depending on how you view the world, you can take this as pure positivity, meaning the world has so many possibilities that something miraculous can happen. Or, you can see it as purely negative: it is just a moment for your life to be ruined.

Personally, I would like to think I am the positive one. Although there seems to be more bad stuff than good in the world these days from crimes, accidents, you name it, there also seems to be tons of good: travel anywhere on a moment's notice, your big break, winning the lottery, finding your true love, etc. There can be so much that can happen.

What I am getting at is never underestimate the potential of your day to day life. Each day can become something amazing or something you never expected.

I will apply this to my temp job and every aspect of my life. I am waiting for my moment. My Big Break. I am praying for the day my current department says, "You're hired." I cannot wait to hear those words from anybody. The day I do, I think I will just cry tears of happiness.

By looking at how those who face hardships are so grateful and genuine, I have come to realize that my life, as sometimes boring as it can be, is actually amazing. I will take the cons of this position and make them positive. I cannot dweal and worry so much on the tiny details. While others are needing help to walk, I can at least walk into the Walt Disney Studios, as I have imagined in my room as a teenager, and say I am here. By seeing that perspective, my life is awesome.

I will take every moment of my day and fill it with something. I can never predict what is coming around the corner, but I sure hope that I remain grateful for my life, my friends, and my family. Only I can make it worthwhile... even on a moment's notice. I cannot wait for my moment to arrive.

A Generic Title

There really is not anything big I have to talk about in this post, so I have a title that reflects just that point. Deal with it, IKE!

It has been really quiet on the work front. Most of the execs are gone on vacation, and when they are gone, so are the assistants. I end up being the only one in my corner for half the day. I don't mind it, but it is a bit boring. However, this week, I am so physically exhausted despite my bosses not being here.

I have undertaken the task of cleaning out the entire supply closet. This was no easy feat. I knew two months ago, I would be the one to organize this massive monster of a project. It literally looked like the room was going to cave in on itself because nothing was put away, so it was all stacked on each other.

It took me all week to get through it, but about 3 bruised knuckles, 10 papercuts, 100 squats, 200 dead lifts later, I officially finished it today! YAY! The room was about 20x60 ft, basically a large rectangle. I had to go through all the supplies, some were over 15 years old, and decide to toss, donate or keep. I have touched so many dirty, jagged boxes, that my hands are all cracked from the dryness. There were some supplies I never knew existed in there such as typewriter label attachments or video cassette tape refills.

Anyway, that was my huge project this week, so I did not blog much on this or my other random blog, so I apologize. I actually wish I took before and after pictures of this project, because I am quite proud of the outcome.

This leads me to my next thought. I have always been a super strong organizer. If I had taken pictures of all the projects I have done, I would have a large portfolio. I always thought in my 30s I would start my own business, and it could be a bakery or, my new thought, a professional organizing service. Why not? I feel most productive when I am planning and organizing, not sitting at a computer, and being able to see the results of my work. I think it could happen!

So what I am going to try to do is make a flyer for my business and send it out to friends or small businesses and see if they need any personal re-organizing for a small fee. My plan would be not to charge until they see the improvements and are proud of my work. That way it is always making me honest to work my hardest. Thoughts? It could be a side of small income I guess. I am really serious about this too.

On a side note, I have been trying to go to the gym everyday. So far, I have gone everyday but one this week. I have attended my training session as well as the body workout classes. I really hope I can see a difference soon, but I know it takes time. In terms of my recent goal of weight loss, I thought I would have all 12 pounds gone by now, I only have four. I will just keep plugging away. I will be fit real soon.

Oh! Also a new update. I bought my ticket to Orlando a few weeks ago! I will be there from Oct 23-31st! I hope to get my seasonal hours done soon, plus I will be there during my favorite time of year. I cannot wait to see Mickey's Not so Scary! If you are in the area then, let me know, I want to see my friends again!

I guess the last update I have for you is... still no news on the job front. I have one interview on the 20th for Disney Toon Studios, but not sure if I really want it, and a call back for Dick Clark Productions, but they may not have budget yet to hire me. We will see. This position, the staff position, I interviewed for has not told me their results yet. I am temping until Sept 3rd, so that is all I can count on. I will let you know if anything changes.

My life for the last two weeks has literally been: wake up 9:25am, go to work 9:30am, work till 7pm, gym till 10:30ish, shower, eat, So You Think You Can Dance DVR, and bed.

That is it! I have a busy weekend coming up with my roommate's Feel Good Film Festival (check it out online...it's legit!), and a possible day at Disneyland on Sunday for a friend who is leaving town.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

P.S.

PS. Another point I want to note, and then I am done blogging for today. Yesterday, one of the first assistants told me to attend a screening being held in the main theater of the lot to see what was aired at ComiCon last week. Of course I jumped and literally ran to the opportunity.

At this screening, one of the main creative Disney execs introduced first glance looks to Tron. We saw a 6.5 minute clip of the film, and it actually looks great! I am not the demo they want for this film, but the music is exciting. I think this is a great start to see what projects we choose with the new regime.

The second look was at Pirates!!! Jack Sparrow talked for about 2 minutes on a montage, and it was in 3D! I don't like 3D, but having Jack Sparrow reach out to me to share some rum was an amazing experience! I can only imagine what the rest of the film will look like. I was laughing so hard and soo excited I could barely contain myself!

The last few things they covered were Marvel's Captain America films (Marvel now acquired by Disney), the Avengers and Thor. I like them, and they look good, but I was focused on Pirates!

The final item was a 30 second descitption of the new Guillermo Del Toro take of the new Haunted Mansion! He is totally redoing it, and it will be darker, scarier and edgier than anything we can expect; totally true to the ride. When I saw the 30 second animation of the mascot, I got chills up my spine. It is so exciting!

Let's just say seeing these sneak peaks to the properties I love absolutely made me love where I was. I am so happy to be working for the company that makes Pirates or will make Haunted Mansion. I love working for this company, and that sneak peak really put it into more perspective for me. I am here at an exciting transition in the company, and I will eventually get to be creative and call those projects my own someday. Until then, staff assistant is a great start, temp or not.

A Change in Attitude...Again?

Aside from my money rant, I had a really good weekend. My friend Fernando was in town from Orlando, and he stayed with me. We had so many great times, I was sad to see him go. It felt great having someone come and visit you when you are far away from what you know.

One of the events that I was originally going to do with Fernando was an ABC promo taping on Saturday. He ended up not going, and I did; it was well worth it. ABC had invited me to attend a "fake red carpet" event they were filming to air as a 30 minute promo on the network this fall. I assume they were trying to highlight their comedies by having it look like there was an awards ceremony they were attending.

In reality, there was no awards session, but a red carpet set up of about 50 feet. Most of the actors you will see were extras or background workers dressed to look like celebrities. I was given the role to play "paparazzi reporter" on the media side of the carpet. I was given a notebook and a pen to make it look as if I were interviewing the stars as they stopped in front of me. I was stationed right behind the hosts' corner where Nancy O'Dell hosted with her male co-host Cameron (don't know last name). I am pretty sure you will be able to see me on this promo when it airs because I was so close the entire time to all the cameras.

This whole experience was a blast. I met some really cool people, such as Rodolfo, a fake celebrity who is actually a professional dancer from Cuba, or Ann Marie, a Disneyland CP hoping to break into the biz like myself.

What was great about the event, was I watched the people who put it on, and I asked everyone and anyone questions about how they got this gig. The extras told me I should join LA Casting or Central Casting if I am intersted in background work (which I am). I talked to Mr. "Look-a-like Tom Cruise" from England, who has made his career in look a likes.

Then we also talked to the host Cameron about his experiences. It is funny to me how people end up where they never thought they would. Cameron was a model who turned Soap Opera star, now hosting on live television. It occured to me, I want a career like that. I want to be able to do many projects and not have a necessarily straight path.

It also led me to realize that I do not want an office job. I must take them now, but eventually, I want to be on my own schedule and be active and around everywhere. If average people can do it, why can't I? Why can't I have the super career I was looking for? I was a bit down on Friday because I was really questioning whether this current temp position is something I want full time, and I realized on Saturday, it is.

Just because I am a Staff Assistant for a year does not mean I have carved only one path for myself. I can use it to make contacts, build my resume, allow me to have time to better myself physically, and do some side projects on the weekends. Then after this position, I may become something more than just a 1st assistant, like the girl before me and the girl before her, and actually have job with more responsibility. Maybe I have been looking at this the wrong way.

Also, I have never wanted to pursue acting or modeling in Hollywood because everyone does it. I hate being like everyone else, that is why I have resisted it. However, after Saturday, I was told over and over again I should at least try. They were right. I do not want to be a top model, but maybe try a catalogue model or hair model. If I ever had the talent to act, I would like to be an action actress or in a romantic comedy. But that is just a dream. But why could it not happen? I am in the epicenter of it all, so I should at least try once. Who knows what can happen from it.

So in all, the event on Saturday made me re-evaluate where I am. I am in a good spot for a job. It may be a lot lower on the totem pole than I want, but I can learn and grow from it. I now have the ambition to try other things like the hair modeling, but I need to get in shape first (hence the real reason/push for the gym). I also have the desire to prusue event production because I could see myself working behind the scenes under pressure during a live shoot, and I think I would be good at it.

I like this new perspective I gained, and it was really needed. Plus, it was also fun seeing some real celebrities on the red carpet like Patricia Heaton, Matthew Perry and the man who played Rev. Camedon on 7th Heaven. I love to look at them because they have made it. All of them are normal people, so if they can do it, why can't I? I feel reassured once again for at least a little bit, and I want to change my attitude in the way I see my definition as Staff Assistant. It is actually a great start.

My First Money Mistake? Yes or No?

I am usually sooo good with my money, actually, about all the time. I only spend it if I have too. I have my savings and then I have my little spending money I allow myself; I am just frugal by nature, up until now at least. It seems I may have just made my first money purchasing mistake, but I am trying to debate why it is a good thing.

I went to try LA Fitness for the afternoon on Sunday, and I ended up liking it a lot. So, I immediately signed up for membership. The deal was 30 dollars a month for all access to California LA Fitness Gyms, I can bring 2 friends for free any time I come, attend all classes with no fee, unrestricted access to pool, sauna, weights, the whole deal, etc. Sounded great, so I got it. Thirty bucks is definitely do-able.

Well, here is where I get in trouble. They had a 1 hour session with a personal trainer free for joining and I took it. It was so good! I literally got my butt kicked. I had not worked out that many muscle groups in a long time, and I am soooo sore! It felt so great, but now I can barely walk.

After the session, I was so out of it, and they started talking money for the personal trainer program. I knew I could not stretch it, or at least hate spending the money on it. Then after refusing for a bit, they gave me a "deal" for 100 bucks a month to get me 4 training sessions. 25 bucks a week? Not too bad, if you think about it, that is about a trip to the movies and a drink, which I do normally. Then again, I am now paying 130 bucks/month for a gym! Ahhh! I thought I could cancel anytime, but I just got an email saying I was committed for 12 months and my only option to "cancel" within the next year is to "freeze" my program.

What if I absolutely cannot afford it!? Plus, I have no idea if I will even be here in LA for a year. What happens if I do have to cancel before the 12 months, do I have to pay it all in full? I read the fine print before I signed, as anyone should, and based on what the trainer was telling me, it seemed I could cancel as long as I give a 10-20 day notice before my next billing period.

Is this paying for a personal trainer good or a mistake? I know I can only get in shape from it, so for that, it is great. I need a trainer to push me; it is the only way I respond and challenge myself. I am able to be healthy by myself, but I need a coach to stay in shape (not just healthy), I respond better to structure and and outside force motivating me when it comes to excercise. I have come to see this "purchase" as an investment in myself. I will pay the money for a better me, to help me reach my goals, and feel good about myself.

However, I am afraid with not having a set job and other expenses just to cover, I am not going to be able to afford this. I just hope I can keep it going. The thought of $1300 a year for a gym scares my half to death because that seems like my entire life's savings! Do I even make that much?! haha, no, seriously! If it is so good for me, why do I feel stressed about this decision, as if I am throwing money down the drain?

I know I will have to make some cutbacks, but the thing is, I do not have much to cut back on! I only pay for gas, rent, food, and some fun. This July was so expensive for me in terms of those basics along with a car checkup, plane flight home, and contacts with eye exam. I know I need to start helping my parents out with my health and car insurance, and here I am signing up for a PT. I think I will cut back on my going out/fun habits, which would be my drink a week, weekly subway sandwiches, occasional movie, etc.

On a side note, I am also trying really, really hard to get to Orlando! I am sooooo close to booking a week flight in October, despite the job situation because I need to get my seasonal cast member hours done asap. That expense alone (plane flight + food) will be around 500 bucks.

Can you tell I am feeling a little stressed by this decision? What do you think? Is paying for the Physical Training sessions a good investment in myself or a mistake? I cannot wait for the day in which I have the means to afford a great lifestyle.

My Life... A Grand Adventure?

This week I had some exciting things happen that were completely random. One would be a spontaneous concert on the lot from Plain White Ts, who are apparently a Disney signed band (got to high five the musicians while dancing with a glass of free wine in hand), Chuck E Cheeses to celebrate a 32 year old friend's birthday, ABC networking event at a gay club, and potentially walking the red carpet tomorrow for a special promotion to air in the fall. It seems life here can change within an instant from being a boring and average day to lead to something quite unexpected.

Knowing that is true, it would be right to assume that living in LA is like one, giant, big, grand adventure. Right? I guess it is, but sometimes I may argue otherwise. I have had some great experiences from my Cinderella makeup makeover to those listed above, but is it wrong to say I still want more?

I come from a small town and great family, but I have always pictured this great and exciting life for myself where I would have so many accomplishments, travels, and goals done from myself. I want to live an exciting life with adventure and romance, and sometimes I feel sooo far away from that.

For example, I am now in the routine of work in an office job. Wake up at 9:15, leave at 9:30, work 10-7, gym till 9, then socialize. Every single day. This. Repeats. Every. Single. Day. I like the stability, but now it is not exciting.

I have always related to Belle from Beauty and the Beast for just that reason. I want to be destined to something great and successful, and I want it so much more than I can tell. I see myself moving to London for a year or two within the next two years to get that abroad experience. I have even dreamt I would meet my husband-to-be abroad since I was little like some sort of fairytale.

Can fairytales and dreams of our youth really come true? I have completely believed that, and I even work for a company who lives on it. I would not doubt it for a second.... except for one thing.

I had a run in with a particular celebrity twice this week both at unexpected times. He was tall and attractive, and I have actually never seen a single movie he had done. I only know him by seeing him in pop culture media. Anyway, let's just say, we had these chance encounters, but at the end of the second time, he said hi to me first and I responded but kept walking.

I immediatly phoned my two brothers to tell them of this event and they went on as crazy brothers do saying I need to ask him out next time, then we will date, then we will be in a relationship...yadda yadda yadda. Let's just say, it was a nice thought, and I immediatly shut it down. Then after a few minutes of discussion my brothers said, "You can be so defeatist sometimes" and why would it not happen to me?

They had a point. I was so quick to shut it down for being impossible, but in reality, maybe not this particular situation, it could happen. Why because I work an office desk or choose to be an average person must I assume someone in the public eye is not touchable? It could totally happen if it were meant to happen. What a big adventure it would be if it did happen! Life would never be the same.

I am not saying that is my grand adventure, but I continue to dream that one will someday come. But my main point is this: Why are we so quick to believe fairytales in stories, yet in reality, we dismiss them as impossible? I think we should all still stay open to the possiblity things beyond our circumstances can happen and who knows where they will lead. If datinga celebrity is possible for a small town girl, then is there anything off limits? It seems the world is completely open to infinite possibilities!

I am not saying my chance encounter is going to go anywhere, but maybe next time, I will be open to the possibility and say something more than "hello."

Time and Choices

Time and Choices. They are simple concepts that truly dictate how we run our lives. I have been wondering a lot about these two words within the last few weeks. This is a post I have been meaning to write for the whole month of July, but I am just now getting to it.

Throughout this month, I have spent some unplanned time watching movies that deal a lot with traveling through time, or seeing the consequences of our actions. Movies I have seen this month include: Back to the Future 1 and 2, Pirates 1,2, and 3,Valley Girl, Hot Tub Time Machine, Titanic, She's Out of My League, and Enchanted. These films are so different, yet they all have a connecting thread: each of the characters make life-altering decisions based on their given circumstances (okay...maybe not Valley Girl, but still interesting).

Anyway, it got me to thinking, how much of my life is planned and how much of it is based on my individual decisions? I am not trying to get too deep into this philosophical arguement, but I have been trying to really see and understand if any of my choices for a job either send me on the wrong direction or the way to a grand career.

I am having some serious thoughts come up as I see this staff position is being pushed to hire as we speak. First of many, should I accept it if it is offered? If you asked me this question 2 months ago, I would have said, "Yes!" Now, I am starting to question if this is really for me. I am tired of being bored. I want to be used. It is meant for a year to year and a half, but by that time I will be 24.5 years old going on 25, and since I am not a first assistant, that would probably be my next job for 1.5 years, and then I will be 26.5 and just finishing being an assistant. Do I want that!? I feel like time is ticking, and I need a bigger position.

Secondly, do I go freelance or stay studio side? Freelance scares the bejeezus out of me because there is a lack of stability. Then on the other hand, there is the freedom of your schedule. I can pick and choose my projects, and I can do other things on the side. I am a well rounded person, and I do not just want to be defined by my work. I have other aspects of my life I want to pursue.

Next, I have had some offers with Reveille come and pass me by in terms of a job. I was asked to be considered for the Executive Producers' assistants as three of them were leaving within one week. I said no to the first for being unsure if reality television is where I want to be and also because it is the job from the underground. These execs are top profile and among top 10 reality producers in Hollywood. If I accepted, I would have no life, and you would never hear from me again for the year, probably, haha. So I said no, then I said yes I wanted to be considered for the other just to see what would happen. It turns out they said no to me because they want someone with agency experience, which I do not have.

Dispite all of these questions, there is still one that lingers on in my mind that bothers me the most -Do I choose television or film as my career path? I have been told by others I am too young to decide this decision, but I disagree. If I know this answer, then I can make a set career path for myself and go without feeling like I am wasting time or afraid to make the wrong decision. I have been meeting people in both the television and film world, and I am sooo intrigued by television, but I have ended up working in film. I don't know where to go from here, and this is freaking me out.

It may not sound like it, but I have calmed down considerably about worrying over every single aspect of my life, but I am still nervous about this whole move to LA. I am still scared I am not going to get to where I need to be if I do not start now.

How am I sure I will make the right decision? I think another reason why I am so antsy to get my first job done as soon as possible is because I still do not see myself staying in LA. How much time do I give it? I see all the execs who have lived here for 20+ years and never wanted to return home. I feel different than that. See, I love the weather, but I miss those most important to me, and I am not comfortable with the decision of settling in LA. So, I just don't want to take my time getting somewhere, because I feel rushed to get out.

Another point that needs to be made...last week Disney had some bad press published about a film we are having issues with. Well, it turns out the project will take some time off to fix things, which essentially means, the people on the film have lost their job until things pick back up. If I had gotten the assistant position I interviewed for in May, then I would be in that boat. I would be out of work for a month maybe more. Everything happens for a reason right? Now I am thankful that was not me and I have an office position.

So based on all of these choices, timing is everything. How dependent are we on these factors and how much of it is in our control? I was upset with not getting the assistant position, but now I am thankful, so was timing on my side or not? Timing is usually not on my side, for example, with the Reveille positions, and when pilots were hiring PAs and I missed the hiring period by a few weeks both last year and this year, and temping when offered an assistant position within my first week here. Does everything come down to timing and choices?

Which leads me to another point. I talked about how I wanted to be a doctor most of my childhood to a co-worker, and I admitted that by doing this staff position I am unsure if I am putting my best skills and strengths to use. My decision to not pursue medical school was a decision I made my senior year in high school. Was that the right decision? I hope so, but I will use that as a backup career plan I think.

Anyway, this post is long enough, so I will conclude here. This month has really had me on my toes about how every small decision affects another. There is still a lot of possibilties and unknown choices I know are coming, and I am ready. I just hope I make the right ones and I get to live the life I imagined for myself someday. But that too depends on timing and choices...

A Sentence from God

Haha, I crack myself up. I am really going to sound bi-polar...yet again. I promise you I am not!! I can be a bit emotional at times, but never in public, only in my private mind and room. For those who do not know me, I hope you do not think I am crazy. I am really level headed, but I worry an extra lot; that is the way I have ALWAYS been! I hope I do not across in any bad light.

Okay. Got that off my chest.

Today was actually a good day. Nothing spectacular happened, in fact, it was the same old at work. Walked in, was told to run to Trader Joes for some groceries, returned, and in the afternoon, I filed a little bit. Overall... that is it. Really chill, and yes, a bit boring. I know there needs to be more to this job than just the groceries. Have I just come during a really bizzare funk time of transition I guess.

But what made today good were the small things. I feel like I got some signs that I am okay. First, I was included in watching a presentation with my boss that had Rich Ross and Sean Bailey speaking about the film slate for the next year or so. There was nothing there I was not already aware of, but I was happy to hear the leaders speak. I was also happy to remind myself that yes, I do know the Studios inside and out. In fact, I know more than some execs. There was one exec on the live action side that had no idea Tangled is coming out in Novemeber. Really? Someday I will be on top of this Studio, and the awareness of each department will be better.

The video was nice, and I think it shows an interesting future for our future. However, most of our films coming out were by the affiliates we have: Marvel, Miramax, and Touchstone. It may seem like we have 14-16 movies within the next year or so, but Disney Studios, as a production company, does not have much after Tron. I would tell you about what projects are starting, but it is confidential.

Anyway, the video was a great reminder to me that I am in the Studios that really value family entertainment. This is what I want to work for. So, I am in the right spot despite my bitching yesterday. Still don't know if that is film or TV, but I am in the right area for now.

Secondly, I had sent some emails to contacts yesterday. Well today, I got those responses, and they were most certainly needed. One producer in NYC will be happy to talk to me about his experiences. The local assistant to the EVP of Creative Production and I will have lunch sometime next week to offically meet instead of talk on the phone. The HR rep from the GMA job I applied for said she would be happy to help me find I job if I see an opening and to let her know. Awesome. Those are great supportive situations there.

Finally, I got an email from one of the execs I formally temped for two months ago. I had reached out to him to catch up and say I saw his name in the credits of TS3. He responded:

"Great to hear from you, and thanks for the kind words on TS3. Glad you found something on the lot...I like to think we are much more civilized over here. I'll keep you in mind for other opportunities, but hang in there as you've got talent and the right temperament and will find what you are looking for. Hope to see you soon."

Could he have phrased that any better? I HAVE TALENT! I cannot believe those words came from his mouth, or fingers as it was an email. He must have heard what I was complaining about yesterday. I seriously take this as a sign from God. How could I not? As I was really bummed last night, I prayed really hard telling God to give me a sign for some support and direction. This may not be a lead of direction, but this was support. What also gets me about this is, how does the exec know that about me when I only temped for him for 2 DAYS! He was the shortest assigment I had, and yet he knew that about me. Remember when I said in a previous entry that the smallest details really make the difference? This is one of those smallest details.

That small email and one specific sentence really meant a lot to me. It was just the little pick me up I needed today, and for that, my day was good. My back is still hurting pretty badly, but it is improving. Social life is pretty lonely, but maybe July 4th weekend will be busy. Overall, I am still taking it one day at a time...slowly...but surely... I can rest with that.

Anyone Want to Use Talent?

I am afraid I am about to sound a bit bi-polar in this entry compared to the last one with more excitement, but I think you are all used to that by now.

I guess I have hit another funk today, and it seems to be affecting my mood. I think it has a large part to do with my broken back this week (I have a slipped disk and it's really killing me at this very moment.). Even with a broken back, I seem to feel lost for a direction again.

I really feel I have slowed down the pace of my life since Ihave returned from NJ a great deal. It is nice to just take life one day at a time. However, I am now borderlining boredom! I hate, hate, hate boredom. There are so many other things I want to do with my life, and being bored just unnerves me.

Work has been super, super slow, which is unusual for a production office, and when I do work it is all the straight forward filing, copy, scan. It is all intern work except for the $$$. I am fine with it, but I am feeling stifled. I am feeling underused and not reaching my full potential.

I WANT A JOB THAT USES MY TALENTS!! I want to be a leader, I want to be used for my strengths. I am a STRONG organizer, strong multi-tasker who is very meticulous to every details. I love being in charge of the puzzle and making all the pieces fit. I am creative and I need a fast apced-creative work enviornment.

I want to be important and have lots of responsibilities. I am not searching for fame, that is dumb, but I am looking to be important to others for what I do at work. This is the "super career" I have previsouly mentioned. I want to move up the ranks, USE MY BRAIN to solve issues. I want to be challenged in a creative way. I am always proud of my work, so I want to be important and the best at what I do, darn it!! Why is this so hard to find a job?!

I know I need to start from the ground up, and I am. But i feel I am not getting anywhere once again. I am not producing, I am not getting the basic ground work done that I need. I just applied for a job that would allow me to start the ground work for Good Morning America, and I was just told they closed the position.

Temping is great, but I feel like I am putting all of my eggs into one basket. I am not being challenged intellectually; it is all straight forward. I am tired of asking the smallest question which seems to undermine my true intelligence. They are not going to just hand me a job. I need to start pushing and meeting again, so within the last few hours, I have reached out to about 5 new execs with no responses as of yet.

I feel like my brain is rotting. I am a girl who's identity was through excelling in academics as a kid and in college. I want to be known for being smart, and have people want to use me for those issues.

Due to my stifled conditions, I have had the notion I cannot trust the world to do anything for me no matter how hard I try. I need to take actions into my own hands. I have had the idea of starting an organizing service as a way to make money for clients who need that. I have thought of starting my own production company, but I have no collateral for that. I have had the ideas of children's story books for me to write which have popped into my head. I was even thinking of hair modeling since this is the talent capital of the world.

I feel lost for a direction in my career, and really bummed in the fact that I am no where near landing a job again. Why can I not find a job? I am just soooo frustrated because I feel like I am missing my chance to get the foundation set for a great career. Am I not going to get there? How can I be successful when this much time has elapsed and I don't have much to show for it?

Maybe I was not meant for a career and the idea of being a stong leader/businesswoman is just silly. I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer for anyone, but I am really low in spirit this week, which is not like me. It sucks being in a funk.

I have to trust God that it will all work out, but I am in real need of company. I am in need of a friend and a hug today. I feel so far away from everything that I want, love and need. Please tell me it will all work out. I feel so lost again, and I want to just get to where I was meant to be. What is my calling?!!? Why can I not find it yet after all this year has put me through?!

Okay, I am going to go cool off. Sorry for this really morbid note. I just want to use my talents and not feel so bored. Does anyone have an opening for talent? I am available.

A Look Back: A Year in Retrospect

So I just realized today is my One Year Anniversary from when I graduated from Boston University. I cannot believe how fast this day has come. I mean, it was slow when I lived it day by day, but it does not feel I have come to this monumental point quite yet. I always thought this day would be filled with happiness or accomplishment, but I am actaully surprised at my reaction. I am perplexed and indifferent.

I have been dreading this moment for quite sometime within the last few months because it marks one of unachieved goals. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot that I am happy for: a healthy family, strong friendships, moving out west to pursue my career, finding some work... list goes on.

However, I cannot help and also look at what I have failed to accomplish during this time. I remember a talk I had with a great friend of mine in FL who graduated a year before I did. When he hit his year anniversary last year, he was in a similar boat and we analyzed his life, where he was, and where he thought he would be. He found some of what he was looking for, but I remember thinking I would have accomplished more when my year anniversary comes around. Wrong! I am far from it. Let me explain...

A little over a year ago, I was completing my 6th internship, and applying for as many jobs as possible. I have been whole-heartedly applying for full time positions since February 2009. By the time graduation came around, I still had nada. I had several promising leads that I would have to wait out for till the end of the summer. So I did. I moved to Orlando, and made money to support my future move wherever the job came from. August came and went, and the leads I had fell through. I was devastated! Since then, I have been feeling the pressure to get started with my career.

At this time last year, I knew I didn't have a job, but I was exploring all my possibilities. I was actually relieved I was not hired out of college. Ideally, if God would grant it, I wanted a year off as my "gap year" between school and work. I wanted to travel! So I was exploring working on a cruise line for 6 months with a friend, and I also dedicated myself to work abroad as an intern. I had a lead to work in London in the Fall on the Harry Potter set, but that also fell through.

Let's just say. This has been a year of a lot of rejection. I promised myself a year ago, I would travel in the spring of 2010. I thought I would go on a month trip through Europe and see all of the places I have wanted to see for so long. Well that quickly went out the door because I knew I would not be able to move out if I traveled. I have postponed my dream of living abroad for a while, and that was really hard to admit, and a blow to my pride.

While this was happening, I was in Orlando working at Walt Disney World, and that soon became harder for me too. I was forced out of my work area of 3 years in July for BS reasons and poor management, moved to the water park, boat marina, and I felt I was losing my potential as a person. As a driven and ambitious person, I could not take the feeling of being unproductive anymore. Then in December, my grandfather, who lives down the street from me, passed away. That devastated me, and it forced me to move back home to NJ.

I stayed there for three months feeling like I failed, and I had to get out So I bought my ticket and made the move. The move has not been unbearable, but it has had its challenges and definite ups and downs.

I did not ask to graduate in the WORST economy ever, that just happened. On top of having some personal losses, I have also had a very challenging year in my faith. I have been shakin' and stirred in what feels like a tornado sometimes.

Now over 250 job applications later (no joke), and 4 written and re-written resumes, I still find myself in the same position: unemployed. I look back at the year, and I am sad to know that I did not do the traveling I wanted, I did not really accomplish my basic goals. I thought I would be a year into being an assistant at a production company or a television show, havig found my social scene, and really enjoying the greatness of life. I have however, had my "gap year", but not by choice.

Now that the next year of graduates are entering the work force, I have more competition. I feel that I am starting with the same circumstances as they. I did not think this was where I was going to be a year later. In ways, I feel really behind, in others I don't. I know my career is a marathon, not a sprint, but I just want to get started already, and I feel time and pressure ticking.

Yes, I have only been out here for 2 months yesterday, and it takes 3 months to find on average your fist job, but it has been ONE YEAR! Out of all of this, my greatest lession is learning patience. I am also learning a new definition of faith, as I have done the ins and outs of soul searching. Maybe that was how I will define this year: complete Soul Searching.

Anyway, I am here. I am alive. I have graduated, and I have moved to LA. That is where I am and I will deal with those circumstances. I look forward to this next year, but if I have learned anything, that is: I have no idea where I will end up. I just hope it's up!

Finding My Niche?

So this weekend (5/15-5/16), I felt as if I may be finding LA to be a little bit more comfortable. Is it that I am slowly adjusting? Perhaps, but I would like to think of it as, I am closer to finding my niche.

First, Thursday and Friday afternoon, I went to the tapings of the new Disney XD show premiering in September, Pair of Kings, and Suite Life on Deck respectively. I must say, I really loved seeing these shows come together. I was just an audience member, but I got the tickets through a contact. It made me think more about pursuing a career in Television on an actual show/set. I watched the interaction of the actors and the crew between and during takes, and I felt the urge of "that's where I want to be." I want to be involved in a team environment with a specific role. The live action was great. I think I want to pursue live action over animation, but that does not mean I like animation any less.

The crews, although both really different for each show, both worked well together, and you can tell they love their jobs. Pair of Kings was actually really funny, and I think that will do well. I understand these shows are for kids, but adults were in the audience too, and all enjoyed it. That's what I want to be a part of, an industry that brings the family together, even if just for a moment. It unites us. Okay, sorry for the corniness, but I am happy to be finding a new direction for me.

What I want is tangible and definitely do able, but I just have to find out how. I want to make it a goal within the next two weeks to find a contact within these shows and meet with them. I would love to be a PA (prod. assistant) if they are hiring. I should take advantage of the fact it is pilot season in the industry, meaning they are assembling crew this summer to film the series, so they should be looking for new hires. I have been so focused on film at disney, I now need to brach out and fast. I hope something will come of that. I just love the fact I have found a possible new direction.

Then on both Saturday and Sunday, I played beach volleyball. I am trying hard to find a team/league to play on. I found some people who just like to play for the heck of it on Saturday afternoons. It is fun, but I am looking for something more. When I am there, I cannot deny how good it feels to be on the beach court again.

Sunday happened yesterday, and it was a lot better than Saturday. Despite gloomy beach weather this weekend, Santa Monica was still perfect. I found a team from an online site saying they were more competitive, which they were, but still filled with beginners. I thought because I am new to the Beach Vball world, I would not be that good, but from them, I was still one of their top players. I did play a 2v2 game, and that was the best! It was soooo hard because I was not used to it, and man is it a workout!! Now I see why those women are so buff! At the end of the afternoon, the better half of the players stayed and played and intense 4v4. It felt so good to finally get some great rallies and plays!

I cannot help but want to compete. Volleyball has never been a recreational activity for me, it has defined my identity as an athlete, and always been a serious competition. I played in high school and college to win. So to switch the competitive side off, it is not possible. Recreational league is hard to sit and take when I want to win and everyone else goofs off.

This makes me realize, I want to compete. I want to be in tournaments with a partner and strive to win. I can sign up for the CBVA, California Beach Volleyball Association, but I need a partner. I hope to find one soon. Any idea on how to get one? I'm open for suggestions. I will wait for my sister, but that will take 4 or 5 years. ugh. Come on, Casey!

So now I know I want to be an athlete again as a serious hobby, I see that I may be starting to find my niche. Even-though I have not found the people I want to be near, that will come once I dedicate myself to the activity. One of my favorite parts of yesterday was looking around the beach court, seeing the palm trees, good looking people all around on the courts, bike riding, and roller-skating. It was a very big, "pinch me" moment, because I was actually playing hard on my sport, outside, with people, in Santa Monica! Now, that is awesome! That could be my life, or is it already? I think I found one big aspect I love about living in LA.

With 2 show tapings, and 7 hours of volleyball later, I am feeling my guard coming down little by little, adjusting a tiny bit more each day, and finding what I really want to pursue with intent. I hope I find it, but I think I am slowly finding my niche.

Getting Antsy... What is my Path?

I am finally caught up on my blog and up to the current day!! This is a big accomplishment! Well done, Ashley! I just hope I can stay on top of it again.

Okay, so I am writing this as I am sitting behind my desk at work temping, and I am finding it soooo hard to concentrate on the computer screen. I am getting so antsy just by sitting here, I cannot sit still. I have so much energy, and all I want to do is walk around the office and get outside. Instead, I am in the lower level (considered the basement), with no windows and no way out. It is a gorgeous 80 degrees today, and I cannot even tell if it were night or day outside. I feel soo couped up and stifled in here. I want to be outside! I want to be productive.

For years now, all I have ever wanted is to be a part of the Disney Studios, in some capacity, in the offices, hoping to work towards becoming a Studio Executive. Now, a lot of that has been coming into question.

That has been my sole goal for many years now, and look, I am in the right spot. I am so proud of myself. But as I am doing these temp jobs, I am starting to learn a lot about the business and the possible careers with Disney or another company. I have come to learn, there are so many paths, and I am not sure which one is meant for me.

In Hollywood, to become a producer, there are 2 types of paths, either as a Production Assistant on set or an Executive Assistant in the offices. I have wanted to do the executive assistant path, because the administrative work involves all of my strengths from organization, multi-tasking, detail orientation, etc. It seemed the most logical, and that is what I have been pushing for with these temp positions and meet and greets.

However, now, I am completely switching my perspectives. I miss being creative sooo much, and being an assistant has none of that. There is nothing creative. I hate sitting in front of the computer screen all day, and as you can tell, I get so antsy I start to freak out. I just want to walk around and be outside. I love talking to people, but talking to them via the phone and computer/emails are not my idea of meeting and being social. Then when I come home at the end of the day, the last thing I want is to be on the computer, which is why my blogging has dramatically decreased.

It is so weird to me to question whether or not an office job is meant for me, because that is all I have ever wanted for so long, and now that I am in it, I want out of it. Is there a way to be outside or active with my job in production but still have the job stability? That is another reason I wanted to be a studio executive, jobs are stable. If you are on a set, you just have to go from project to project not knowing if it is your last.

In all, I am really questioning whether the office is for me. I look back and I see that this is just another way working at WDW has changed me. I was outside working for 8 months, to now be inside all the time. I miss the activity, the interaction with people. If I had stayed with my childhood goal of being a doctor, I would have had the no office and physical aspect I like. Interesting.

It seems like I should work back in the theme parks, but I don't want too as a career unless it is through production. At this point, I just miss the way I felt when I was active in my day, and not sitting in a chair. 9-6 has never felt so long and daunting before, and those are not even hard hours! I look forward to the days that are busy and fast.

It is good that I am learning this about myself, but it makes it harder to find a job that I want here in LA. All the people I know are office people, not project/set members. How do I even get there now?

That brings up my next set of points. I am even starting to question what path to take in regards to a career. Like I said, I always wanted Disney Studios, studio film producer, but now I am still not sure.

I am really missing the pace of television. I love the over turning of projects, the length of a season, the hiatus of the summer, and more. When I interned on a previous talk show, I felt like I was in more of the right place at the right time. So now, I am starting to think that Television is where I want to go.

But do I want to do family entertainment, like Disney Channel, or more talk? Disney is great, but I am realizing how political it is to move somewhere. A lot of the secretaries have been there for 2+ years, and are finding it hard to move up. Is that my fate? I do not want to be on an entry level position for so long that I get stuck, and in such a large company, there are many ways to get stuck.

Talk is still great television, and it one of my favorite genres. I have always wanted to host a tv show as a secret fantasy, but now, I would love to do that for a job. I love segment producing, which is creating the 5-10 minute "chapters" or topic of discussion during the show's broadcast. I really want to get my hands on developing what goes on the tv screen. I have said it before, if I were to work in NYC, I would love to work for Today or GMA. That is talk without being too journalistic. I know I am not meant for journalism, but I believe in being a reliable show that can still provide great entertainment.

I also love late night comedy. I am so bummed Conan is not on NBC anymore, as I applied over 10 times to that show. Knowing his return to TBS will be remarkable, I would love the chance to work on his show too. Jimmy Kimmel is also another good show. I would love to be in the production of that talk format as well.

So aside from my possible talk path, I was also thinking about TV Event production. When I was in NZ last year, I interned on their Music Awards, which was like their version of the Grammy's. I realized at the actual night how I felt like I was in the absolute right place and the right time. I loved seeing the whole event come together, and I have not felt that feeling again.

Which has got me to thinking, what if I were to pursue producing events like the Grammy's, Emmy's, Oscars, Golden Globes, Kids Choice Awards, etc. I love that development because you are dealing with live tv, and you have an absolute make-it or break-it deadline. I love the intensity of that behind-the-scenes show. I have no idea where to even start to look to get involved in that.

One other path I have been recently considering is Script Supervisor. That person is all about the details of the script to how it was shot on camera. For example, if the screen calls for the actor to wave their hand, the Script Sup. makes sure that for each take the actor continues to wave with the same hand. They follow was it the right or left? were the fingers straight or curled? Were there bracelets or a watch on the wrist? That is the person who is in charge of set continuity throughout the project. It seems great, especially for my meticulous nature, but I don't like how there is not a position you can continue to move up and grow in. Once you are a script supervisor, you cannot really be promoted except onto a larger project.

Even if I follow that path, event production or talk, it means that I may not be able to be with Disney. I will not be involved like I have always imagined. There is a possibility to stay with ABC or ESPN, but these shows are not directly involved with them. The fact that I may not want what I have always wanted scares me. Am I maturing, growing, or failing and being more confused than ever?

What is my path? Where am I meant to go? These questions still linger and will have no end. I do have a starting place though. Starting next week, when my temp position is over, I will make it my week goal to reach out to those involved in my favorite shows, send resumes, and see if there is a way I can become a Production Assistant on a particular show. It seems I have some re-evaluation to do. Oh life... so confusing, nothing is simple anymore.

I feel like Pocahontas asking to Grandmother Willow, "What is my path? How am I ever going to find it?" Just listen. I am listening to my heart, my instincts, and trying to listen to God as well, but they are all hard to hear at the moment. Hoping it will all become clear soon.

Okay, it is almost lunch... I cannot wait to get out of this office and eat outside. I am even surprised I concentrated this long to type this entry, but then again, my foot is tapping wildly as if it is having an epileptic seizure as I type. okay, until next time! Bye!

One Month Down

(written yesterday, 5/4)

Wow. It has been one month since I moved to my apt. Yes, I have been here for a month and a half, but only in my apt for a month. It went by fast and slow at the same time. I am happy to say that the rooming situation is working out at the moment. My roommate is sincere, laid back, and knowledgeable. I guess it really is a good thing to have a roommate that is older than I am, so I can get a difference perspective. I am not used to talking to an older person who is not related to me, as I have always been the oldest.

I have gotten used to sleeping in my room. It has a few decorations, but not much. The shadows and creaky floor do not creep me out as much as they used too.

I am also finally into my nightly sleeping habits. I am back onto staying up late and getting up early. Which is good. I think I am finally used to working the hours again. I am not as tired as I used to be, but still exhausted around midnight. It is good to have that routine back.

Now outside of the rooming situation, I am still adjusting to LA life. I was hoping at this point I would be able to say that yes, I like LA and this is where I want to stay. But unfortunately, I sitl can't. I don't know if it is I do not like it, or if I am just lonely, or what the issue is, but I am not connected to it yet. It will take time, especially to find the social life I am looking for, but I don't see myself staying here for long.

I love the weather and the outdoor activities around the area. I like the people in general, and I like the different forms of entertainment. But overall, this is not my city, and I cannot call it home yet.

LA is a funny place actually. Nothing here makes sense. For example, one minute you are downtown in a hard urban street, and then you drive two blocks in, and you are in the suburbs. Fashion is based on accessories rather than the actual outfit you have on. There is more emphasis on the possessions rather than the living space, like a car or dog rather than the front yard or room decor. Honestly, if LA spent more time on the living spaces, then the roads would be a lot nicer than the cars that drive on them.

One thing I cannot stand about LA is how inconvenient it is. Everyone has a car, and thus no parking. Valet is a must, and it sucks to pay. You get tickets all the time, because the state is so broke, so they are super expensive. I just got one for 50 bucks. Nasty! There is no parking anywhere! I have had to leave and give up attending some of the parties or houses because I could not find a place to park. I do not want to park a mile away from my destination as a girl in an area I do know understand. I really have no idea how businesses survive when the customer's cannot park at their stores! How do they make money?

Then to make things worse, there is real no public transportation. Taxis are so expensive, buses are slow, and subway is not convenient enough to use to get around. This needs to change. Coming from NYC and Boston, I definitely have high expectations on this. In addition, there is no central "downtown" busy hub life of the city. Downtown is full of banks, and becomes a ghost town after dark. The night life is not in one central location, so you have to choose where to go for the night and hope it is busy.

LA is so full of different groups of people for all sorts of lifestyles, and I have no idea where I fit in. LA has beaches, mountains, the artsy culture, the corporate culture, the glamour culture... you name it, it is here. I am not the independent artsy type, so I would not live in that section of town. I want to be in a big downtown area like NYC, but that is a desert town at night. The corporate culture is full of banks and is pretty straightforward but uninvolved. Then the film/industry culture, which seems to involve everyone, is artsy and laid back. We wear jeans to work and work long hours with lots of time being unproductive.

I like the beach, but I am not a beachy person. I want to play volleyball really badly, but I would not say I am the right "beach" culture person to live there. Then there is Hollywood. I am not into the heavy party scene that is a bit trashy and sluty. Sorry, just not happening.

In all, I need to find my niche. There is a lot to be offered here, but I don't know what group to connect myself too, especially to live. I hope that comes in time.

That brings up my next point. How long do I want to stay here? I am not sure. How long is adequate time to say I tried it and move on? I am assuming a year, but I cannot even see myself waiting for a job that long. I know I need to start my career here, but I miss my family, I miss being in a historic culture. More than anything, I want to be abroad.

I thought by moving here, I would be over the travel bug and the desire to work in another country. Nope. Last night, I got a text from my high school friend saying she got a job in China, and will move there for a year in two weeks! What? She has never even studied abroad, and now she is leaving for a foreign culture just like that? I always thought that would be my adventure. Instead, I am here in LA trying to find a job not traveling.

I think I will get back into looking abroad for working possibilities. I have always pictured myself working in London for two years between the ages of 24-26. That time has almost come, and I want to o through with it. I see myself there in a year from now even if I get a job here in LA. I do not want to miss out on a time in life where I could have traveled and didn't. One thing is for certain, I cannot get this desire to be abroad to leave me, so maybe that is a possible calling. Starting next week, I will look to see what there is.

I just want to get started on accomplishing my life goals, and waiting around for a job is not cutting it. I want to travel in my down time, I want to write my children's book, I want to be accomplishing something despite the economy.

I have no idea how long I will be in LA. I see myself here for a few months, but then abroad come the fall if I do not have a job. I know this is where I need to start my career, but not sure if it is where I want to keep it. I just want to see more of the world that I have not seen. I should not just focus myself as to what is here in LA. Keep my options open. With that concept, I will also keep my options open to find my niche here too. I don't know if I fit any of the LA "labels" as I call them, but I think I need to give it more time.