A Tough Decision

(Friday May 27^th)

What just happened? I have no idea what to think at the moment. I cannot tell if I am happy, surprised, excited, or just plain confused. What do I do now? Let me explain….

Remember the interview I told you about? The crazy one with the guy who called me a “Farm Girl” and not sure if I could make it? Well, he calledme today, personally. He offered me the job!! WHAT?!?!

He said how he thought that I am super smart and that I could learn a lot from this position. He thought I was the best interview and I had a lot to offer. “All of Hollywood wants you, and we want you to work with us.” All of Hollywood? Haha, no. I really had no idea what to say, and he noticed I was stunned on the phone.

“Why do you sound so surprised?” Because I thought the interview didn’t go well once he called pushed me to defend myself in the interview. I told him, “I thought I ruined it when had to defend myself and got a little hot-headed.” He replied saying he used that interview to test people because he does not like to surround himself with “yes” people. He knew I could handle to pressure and get the job done.

So, with that said… I have a job offer (?!), and I am really grateful for that. Just hearing the words “we want you to come work with us” felt really great to hear. Now why am I not jumping up and down? I need to figure this out. They need an answer by mid-week.

Here is where I am with my upcoming decision…

The Cons:

• This is not a full time job. It is only 3 months, basically to the end of the summer on Sept 2^nd.
• The company is for a marketing company that gets clients on television shows, so I would not be on production like I thought it would be.
• There is no guarantee I would get any work after Sept 2^nd, and has no benefits.
• The work environment is going to be tough, especially seeing how the interview process went. I will definitely be working with a tough personality.
• My hours are 6am-4pm. I have a feeling they will definitely be longer, and I soooo not a morning person.
• The contact I may get are going to be within the marketing world instead of production.
• No one has heard of the company within the production world, so the name on my resume may not be as strong as something like Disney or VH1.
• I have other job leads from Nickelodeon, VH1, Disney, and NBC that I am waiting to hear back from in a few days.

The Pros:

• Being that it is 3 months, I have work for he summer and I can look for other work and still save some money and make minimum payments (helping out the parents).
• I will quit BJs… potentially.
• The pay is pretty decent compared to what I thought I would get.
• The projects/clients they have are in the television talk world, and that is exactly where I think I want to work. I could get potential contacts through that, i.e. the Dr. Drew show.
• This gives me assistant experience, which I need more of on my resume.
• There is room for potential advancement within the company if it is not with the show. They hire within the company.
• It is a job and that is what I am looking for!!

So where does that leave me? I am not sure. I am still debating both sides. Am I being too picky? Or is this something worth being picky about? I know I need more information, so I am hoping to speak with a contact within the company who I know I can ask for honest answers. I need to give the company a response be mid-week, so I have a few days, but not an easy decision.

However the more I think about it, the more I am leaning towards not taking it. I am one to thrive on a work environment that complements my personality. Although this position has the type of work I want to do, it may not be the right environment. With the other leads I have, I know they are better environments, but some are not as close to the work I want to do, but I am about to hear from them in the next few days. Dilemma!

Also, I was told I made the third and final round of a PA position for Disney Animation. Although this position is only until October, it would be a great opportunity to stay within the company and learn about the animation world. There is also a chance to get extended into other projects after October, which is what my roommate has done for the last year and a half.

I also have to hear from the VH1 position I interviewed twice for as well. Her decision should come this upcoming week, and I feel like I have a good shot at it. I have yet to hear from the NBC page program result and Nickelodeon as well. These potential positions are also something I have to weigh into consideration.

I have talked to those really close to me, and the consensus is to follow my gut, but if it were them, they all said they would turn it down. I know I have other options, so I need to be able to decide amongst those. Once I talk to my contact, I think the decision would be easier.

What would you do? I will take this weekend to really sit and think on it. At least this is a good dilemma to have, as my dad said. I think this shows how things may be turning around for me. I am getting closer; I feel it. I just got to keep on plugging at it.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend!! Talk to you later. Until then…

6 Months Later?!

Hello Bloggers!

I cannot believe it has been over 6 months since my last post. I have no idea where the time went. SOOOO much has happened in my life that I need to tell you. It has been quite a ride. I will skip the small talk and just get right back into it. I am not sure where to begin other than giving you a quick summary of my various experiences instead of going week by week.

Here we go....

On November 1st, 2010, I started my internship working in the talent department for a top, new show that I cannot legally name. This is where I last left you. I am not sure if I told you of the dilemma of how I got there, but in short, I had to pay for school credit. I paid UCLA money in order to receive college credit that would allow me to work for free. Backwards, right (especially for a college graduate)? But that's the way it is. This became my 8th internship... and I had the time of my life.

The reason why I stopped blogging back in the fall was because I signed a contract saying I would not blog about my time on the staff, and I did not want to risk that chance. As much as I wanted to share all that was happening, I couldn't.

I can say, however, that this was the best internship I ever had; and I really wanted to stay. I hoped that there would be a chance for me to get hired on by the show if I really proved myself. I worked so hard, and I loved every minute of it. I was lucky to be in between the stage hands and the production offices, so I got to work with everyone on the show. I loved the department I was in, although it may not be a career path for me, and I learned a lot. I was able to use my Walt Disney World Guest Relations skills everyday and meet new people.

The world inside this show was unlike any production I have ever worked on. It was organized, on time, and the staff just meshed together. It is basically a dream job for anyone who wants to be in this business. I was fortunate and got used in many departments and had some pretty extraordinary experiences, but unfortunately, all good things must come to an end.

By February, all my money was spent. I had risked everything just for the chance to work on the show. I got a part time job working at BJs Brewery in Burbank as a host as a way to support myself while I "volunteered". However, even working at a restaurant part time does not keep you afloat forever. My money was literally gone. I was down to 80 bucks in my back account, and I had no way to afford to pay for school in order to stay on as an intern. It was time to move on and get a job. This does not mean I was not upset about leaving.

Leaving the show was one of the hardest experiences I have had out here, and I miss it everyday. I can only hope to work in an environment like that again. I did come away with amazing connections, memories, experiences, and most important, the nickname "Viking Girl".

Although the risk did not yield the desired result I had hoped (getting hired), I do not regret anything. It was a risk I am happy I took and I would do it again if I could afford too. Those four months were definitely some of the happiest I had ever had, not just in LA, but from my entire 6 years of being in this industry. I cannot thank them enough for that opportunity, but I needed to face the reality of finding a job.

I wish I could tell you more specifics, but unfortunately, I cannot. If you want to know more, feel free to email me or reach out to me, and I would love to share my experiences. Just know that the head boss-man was really amazing and a nice guy, as are the rest of the staff. That is as short as a summary as I can give for now. I will follow up with my other experiences in the next few posts.

I am sorry for my long absence, but I assure you, I am here to stay now. Once I am caught up, my weekly posts will resume. Until then...

Weekly Dilemma... Smoothest or Hardest Course?

(written Wednesday 10/7- Sunday 10/10/10)

Alright, I have calmed down from my last post yesterday. Sorry, I just had to vent and this seemed a great platform to do so. How are you, my followers, doing? I hope you are all doing alright. The weather here is LA has been so strange lately. Always foggy, and not even around 70 degrees; just like Fall! YAY!

Well, like always, I have had a few thoughts running through my head this week, and I am not sure what to do. I have been struggling a bit over the last six months to find a job as you know. I seem to know a lot of people, and yet, nothing has landed. I know something will soon, but that is not the point. Throughout this process, I feel as if I have been open minded to where I land for the first job. Yes, I have an ideal start, but that is not the only thing I am pursuing. I have had interviews for all sorts of jobs, but lately, I have been thinking, maybe I am too picky? Have a been blind to what is right in front of me?

A few weeks ago, I gave a friend of mine a connection that led to a job. I acutally was able to give someone else a job. She was the second person I did that too. How am I able to help others but not myself? Funny, right? Well, I had an hour talk with her the other night about where she is currently working. She is working as a PA in an animation studio that does straight to DVD projects. She told me to not be picky and look into this. She absolutely loves her job, and the best part is: it's with Disney. She is so happy there. Her enthusiasm has made me second guess my process out here, hence my weekly dilemma.

Should I seriously consider working where I could have an easy in, even though it is not at all what I want to do, and still look for something else? Or, should I just work there, grin and bear it, and get experience knowing I will leave it soon? If I go to this department, would it be surrendering on pursuing my path for live television? Am I stupid for not going where I have this contact?

My arguement for taking it:

* It keeps me with Disney and making contacts, which is my ultimate goal for my career.

* I get production experience despite the medium

* Solves the "lack of experience" part of why I have not yet been hired

*Full benefits: health, dental, vision, and good salary

* Great influence and involvement in the creative process

Argument against:

* I love animation, but I am not into it as a career choice; I am one to push full force for what I want

* Once in animation, I hear it is hard to get out of it.

* Projects are years long, so I would be there for a while as a PA and not get other experiences

* I am not passionate at all about their projects

* Animation is all an office job, and I want to be moving around and not inside all day.

So what would you choose? I feel like I am walking a fine line and coming to a fork in the road. Do I take the unexpected and not really desired, but easily accessible, path? Or do I walk the unpredictable path in a direction I am unfamiliar with without knowing the promise it will take me to my desired destination? Am I closed minded for not wanting to take animation?

Depending on this decision, my job hunt will be severely affected. I am not bribed by money, or else this would be a simple choice, go with the animation job. However, I would not be true to my heart. In fact, I wrote an email referring another friend to my contact, and wrote a whole paragraph about how I would need a job too. I put the mouse on the "send" button, but I could not get myself to send it. I could not ask for a job in animation. I deleted the post and just referred my friend.

Is not pursuing that smart or stupid? Am I not logical for not taking it? I don't know, but one friend told me I am not that desperate yet, so I should keep going after what I want. I think I will take that advice for now. But that makes my wallet and stress a bit anxious!! I have been praying about this issue all week, but this is a hard one. I am just afraid of making the wrong decision.

Also, I have not heard from the temp agency since I last finished in Production over a month ago now. I am starting to feel the urgency of finding something soon. In fact, I applied to 24 jobs today. I hope to hear back from some of them soon. This unemployed game is really an emotional roller coaster! Plus being cursed with an over active/worried mind does not help my situation.

What are your thoughts? What path would you take? I hope your decision is as confident as I wish mine could be. I just feel at this point in time, I feel a calling for me beyond the animation/smoothest course path. I feel it is down the unpredictable one of live television with the hopes there will be something someday. Until then... I am trying to figure out my path. Enough thinking for tonight.

Night!

One Moment: A Life-Changing Instant

I know this is late, but I mean to publish this on Friday, however, life's events got in the way. Let me explain.

This past week since my last entry, was one week of random events. Each of these random events were strong reminders to me that life can change on a moment's notice. All you need is one instananeous moment to change the very direction of your life. It seemed to come in good and bad forms for me this week. Nothing happened to me personally, it was affected by those around me.

One moment would be relating to a distant friend of mine whom I have only worked with for 2 months last fall. She was in a dreadful car accident that shattered her pelvis. For months, she is confined to the walls of her house, and the world of her family where she has to learn to walk again and stand. This accident, although 1.5 months ago, has made me realize that no one is able to predict the future. My friend's strength, courage and faith has been sooo inspiring to me, I do not wake up a day without praying for her recovery. I can only compare it to how I would handle it, I really don't think I could. It made me realize that I have to be so grateful for what I have and those around me.

The second moment related to my roommate. This past Wednesday night, my roommate got really sick and went to the hospital. Apparently, she had an unrepairable infected gall bladder, and had emergency surgery to remove it. I have been trying to take care of her as best I could over the last few days, but her mother flew in to do just that. Her incident was so fast to develop it blew my mind. All you need is that one moment for your life to change whether it is a week or months to your entire destiny.

There were also a few other events with friends throughout the country. One had a performed as Darth Maul in front of George Lucas, another got a phone call answering the prayer for a leadership position, etc. Personally, I have not been able to get the idea of an earthquake out of my head as they have been in my dreams the last few nights.

With all of these outside events happening around me, I have come to terms that life can/will change. All you need is one simple moment. That is it. Our very existence can come down to one split second. Depending on how you view the world, you can take this as pure positivity, meaning the world has so many possibilities that something miraculous can happen. Or, you can see it as purely negative: it is just a moment for your life to be ruined.

Personally, I would like to think I am the positive one. Although there seems to be more bad stuff than good in the world these days from crimes, accidents, you name it, there also seems to be tons of good: travel anywhere on a moment's notice, your big break, winning the lottery, finding your true love, etc. There can be so much that can happen.

What I am getting at is never underestimate the potential of your day to day life. Each day can become something amazing or something you never expected.

I will apply this to my temp job and every aspect of my life. I am waiting for my moment. My Big Break. I am praying for the day my current department says, "You're hired." I cannot wait to hear those words from anybody. The day I do, I think I will just cry tears of happiness.

By looking at how those who face hardships are so grateful and genuine, I have come to realize that my life, as sometimes boring as it can be, is actually amazing. I will take the cons of this position and make them positive. I cannot dweal and worry so much on the tiny details. While others are needing help to walk, I can at least walk into the Walt Disney Studios, as I have imagined in my room as a teenager, and say I am here. By seeing that perspective, my life is awesome.

I will take every moment of my day and fill it with something. I can never predict what is coming around the corner, but I sure hope that I remain grateful for my life, my friends, and my family. Only I can make it worthwhile... even on a moment's notice. I cannot wait for my moment to arrive.

A Sentence from God

Haha, I crack myself up. I am really going to sound bi-polar...yet again. I promise you I am not!! I can be a bit emotional at times, but never in public, only in my private mind and room. For those who do not know me, I hope you do not think I am crazy. I am really level headed, but I worry an extra lot; that is the way I have ALWAYS been! I hope I do not across in any bad light.

Okay. Got that off my chest.

Today was actually a good day. Nothing spectacular happened, in fact, it was the same old at work. Walked in, was told to run to Trader Joes for some groceries, returned, and in the afternoon, I filed a little bit. Overall... that is it. Really chill, and yes, a bit boring. I know there needs to be more to this job than just the groceries. Have I just come during a really bizzare funk time of transition I guess.

But what made today good were the small things. I feel like I got some signs that I am okay. First, I was included in watching a presentation with my boss that had Rich Ross and Sean Bailey speaking about the film slate for the next year or so. There was nothing there I was not already aware of, but I was happy to hear the leaders speak. I was also happy to remind myself that yes, I do know the Studios inside and out. In fact, I know more than some execs. There was one exec on the live action side that had no idea Tangled is coming out in Novemeber. Really? Someday I will be on top of this Studio, and the awareness of each department will be better.

The video was nice, and I think it shows an interesting future for our future. However, most of our films coming out were by the affiliates we have: Marvel, Miramax, and Touchstone. It may seem like we have 14-16 movies within the next year or so, but Disney Studios, as a production company, does not have much after Tron. I would tell you about what projects are starting, but it is confidential.

Anyway, the video was a great reminder to me that I am in the Studios that really value family entertainment. This is what I want to work for. So, I am in the right spot despite my bitching yesterday. Still don't know if that is film or TV, but I am in the right area for now.

Secondly, I had sent some emails to contacts yesterday. Well today, I got those responses, and they were most certainly needed. One producer in NYC will be happy to talk to me about his experiences. The local assistant to the EVP of Creative Production and I will have lunch sometime next week to offically meet instead of talk on the phone. The HR rep from the GMA job I applied for said she would be happy to help me find I job if I see an opening and to let her know. Awesome. Those are great supportive situations there.

Finally, I got an email from one of the execs I formally temped for two months ago. I had reached out to him to catch up and say I saw his name in the credits of TS3. He responded:

"Great to hear from you, and thanks for the kind words on TS3. Glad you found something on the lot...I like to think we are much more civilized over here. I'll keep you in mind for other opportunities, but hang in there as you've got talent and the right temperament and will find what you are looking for. Hope to see you soon."

Could he have phrased that any better? I HAVE TALENT! I cannot believe those words came from his mouth, or fingers as it was an email. He must have heard what I was complaining about yesterday. I seriously take this as a sign from God. How could I not? As I was really bummed last night, I prayed really hard telling God to give me a sign for some support and direction. This may not be a lead of direction, but this was support. What also gets me about this is, how does the exec know that about me when I only temped for him for 2 DAYS! He was the shortest assigment I had, and yet he knew that about me. Remember when I said in a previous entry that the smallest details really make the difference? This is one of those smallest details.

That small email and one specific sentence really meant a lot to me. It was just the little pick me up I needed today, and for that, my day was good. My back is still hurting pretty badly, but it is improving. Social life is pretty lonely, but maybe July 4th weekend will be busy. Overall, I am still taking it one day at a time...slowly...but surely... I can rest with that.

Getting Antsy... What is my Path?

I am finally caught up on my blog and up to the current day!! This is a big accomplishment! Well done, Ashley! I just hope I can stay on top of it again.

Okay, so I am writing this as I am sitting behind my desk at work temping, and I am finding it soooo hard to concentrate on the computer screen. I am getting so antsy just by sitting here, I cannot sit still. I have so much energy, and all I want to do is walk around the office and get outside. Instead, I am in the lower level (considered the basement), with no windows and no way out. It is a gorgeous 80 degrees today, and I cannot even tell if it were night or day outside. I feel soo couped up and stifled in here. I want to be outside! I want to be productive.

For years now, all I have ever wanted is to be a part of the Disney Studios, in some capacity, in the offices, hoping to work towards becoming a Studio Executive. Now, a lot of that has been coming into question.

That has been my sole goal for many years now, and look, I am in the right spot. I am so proud of myself. But as I am doing these temp jobs, I am starting to learn a lot about the business and the possible careers with Disney or another company. I have come to learn, there are so many paths, and I am not sure which one is meant for me.

In Hollywood, to become a producer, there are 2 types of paths, either as a Production Assistant on set or an Executive Assistant in the offices. I have wanted to do the executive assistant path, because the administrative work involves all of my strengths from organization, multi-tasking, detail orientation, etc. It seemed the most logical, and that is what I have been pushing for with these temp positions and meet and greets.

However, now, I am completely switching my perspectives. I miss being creative sooo much, and being an assistant has none of that. There is nothing creative. I hate sitting in front of the computer screen all day, and as you can tell, I get so antsy I start to freak out. I just want to walk around and be outside. I love talking to people, but talking to them via the phone and computer/emails are not my idea of meeting and being social. Then when I come home at the end of the day, the last thing I want is to be on the computer, which is why my blogging has dramatically decreased.

It is so weird to me to question whether or not an office job is meant for me, because that is all I have ever wanted for so long, and now that I am in it, I want out of it. Is there a way to be outside or active with my job in production but still have the job stability? That is another reason I wanted to be a studio executive, jobs are stable. If you are on a set, you just have to go from project to project not knowing if it is your last.

In all, I am really questioning whether the office is for me. I look back and I see that this is just another way working at WDW has changed me. I was outside working for 8 months, to now be inside all the time. I miss the activity, the interaction with people. If I had stayed with my childhood goal of being a doctor, I would have had the no office and physical aspect I like. Interesting.

It seems like I should work back in the theme parks, but I don't want too as a career unless it is through production. At this point, I just miss the way I felt when I was active in my day, and not sitting in a chair. 9-6 has never felt so long and daunting before, and those are not even hard hours! I look forward to the days that are busy and fast.

It is good that I am learning this about myself, but it makes it harder to find a job that I want here in LA. All the people I know are office people, not project/set members. How do I even get there now?

That brings up my next set of points. I am even starting to question what path to take in regards to a career. Like I said, I always wanted Disney Studios, studio film producer, but now I am still not sure.

I am really missing the pace of television. I love the over turning of projects, the length of a season, the hiatus of the summer, and more. When I interned on a previous talk show, I felt like I was in more of the right place at the right time. So now, I am starting to think that Television is where I want to go.

But do I want to do family entertainment, like Disney Channel, or more talk? Disney is great, but I am realizing how political it is to move somewhere. A lot of the secretaries have been there for 2+ years, and are finding it hard to move up. Is that my fate? I do not want to be on an entry level position for so long that I get stuck, and in such a large company, there are many ways to get stuck.

Talk is still great television, and it one of my favorite genres. I have always wanted to host a tv show as a secret fantasy, but now, I would love to do that for a job. I love segment producing, which is creating the 5-10 minute "chapters" or topic of discussion during the show's broadcast. I really want to get my hands on developing what goes on the tv screen. I have said it before, if I were to work in NYC, I would love to work for Today or GMA. That is talk without being too journalistic. I know I am not meant for journalism, but I believe in being a reliable show that can still provide great entertainment.

I also love late night comedy. I am so bummed Conan is not on NBC anymore, as I applied over 10 times to that show. Knowing his return to TBS will be remarkable, I would love the chance to work on his show too. Jimmy Kimmel is also another good show. I would love to be in the production of that talk format as well.

So aside from my possible talk path, I was also thinking about TV Event production. When I was in NZ last year, I interned on their Music Awards, which was like their version of the Grammy's. I realized at the actual night how I felt like I was in the absolute right place and the right time. I loved seeing the whole event come together, and I have not felt that feeling again.

Which has got me to thinking, what if I were to pursue producing events like the Grammy's, Emmy's, Oscars, Golden Globes, Kids Choice Awards, etc. I love that development because you are dealing with live tv, and you have an absolute make-it or break-it deadline. I love the intensity of that behind-the-scenes show. I have no idea where to even start to look to get involved in that.

One other path I have been recently considering is Script Supervisor. That person is all about the details of the script to how it was shot on camera. For example, if the screen calls for the actor to wave their hand, the Script Sup. makes sure that for each take the actor continues to wave with the same hand. They follow was it the right or left? were the fingers straight or curled? Were there bracelets or a watch on the wrist? That is the person who is in charge of set continuity throughout the project. It seems great, especially for my meticulous nature, but I don't like how there is not a position you can continue to move up and grow in. Once you are a script supervisor, you cannot really be promoted except onto a larger project.

Even if I follow that path, event production or talk, it means that I may not be able to be with Disney. I will not be involved like I have always imagined. There is a possibility to stay with ABC or ESPN, but these shows are not directly involved with them. The fact that I may not want what I have always wanted scares me. Am I maturing, growing, or failing and being more confused than ever?

What is my path? Where am I meant to go? These questions still linger and will have no end. I do have a starting place though. Starting next week, when my temp position is over, I will make it my week goal to reach out to those involved in my favorite shows, send resumes, and see if there is a way I can become a Production Assistant on a particular show. It seems I have some re-evaluation to do. Oh life... so confusing, nothing is simple anymore.

I feel like Pocahontas asking to Grandmother Willow, "What is my path? How am I ever going to find it?" Just listen. I am listening to my heart, my instincts, and trying to listen to God as well, but they are all hard to hear at the moment. Hoping it will all become clear soon.

Okay, it is almost lunch... I cannot wait to get out of this office and eat outside. I am even surprised I concentrated this long to type this entry, but then again, my foot is tapping wildly as if it is having an epileptic seizure as I type. okay, until next time! Bye!

One Month Down

(written yesterday, 5/4)

Wow. It has been one month since I moved to my apt. Yes, I have been here for a month and a half, but only in my apt for a month. It went by fast and slow at the same time. I am happy to say that the rooming situation is working out at the moment. My roommate is sincere, laid back, and knowledgeable. I guess it really is a good thing to have a roommate that is older than I am, so I can get a difference perspective. I am not used to talking to an older person who is not related to me, as I have always been the oldest.

I have gotten used to sleeping in my room. It has a few decorations, but not much. The shadows and creaky floor do not creep me out as much as they used too.

I am also finally into my nightly sleeping habits. I am back onto staying up late and getting up early. Which is good. I think I am finally used to working the hours again. I am not as tired as I used to be, but still exhausted around midnight. It is good to have that routine back.

Now outside of the rooming situation, I am still adjusting to LA life. I was hoping at this point I would be able to say that yes, I like LA and this is where I want to stay. But unfortunately, I sitl can't. I don't know if it is I do not like it, or if I am just lonely, or what the issue is, but I am not connected to it yet. It will take time, especially to find the social life I am looking for, but I don't see myself staying here for long.

I love the weather and the outdoor activities around the area. I like the people in general, and I like the different forms of entertainment. But overall, this is not my city, and I cannot call it home yet.

LA is a funny place actually. Nothing here makes sense. For example, one minute you are downtown in a hard urban street, and then you drive two blocks in, and you are in the suburbs. Fashion is based on accessories rather than the actual outfit you have on. There is more emphasis on the possessions rather than the living space, like a car or dog rather than the front yard or room decor. Honestly, if LA spent more time on the living spaces, then the roads would be a lot nicer than the cars that drive on them.

One thing I cannot stand about LA is how inconvenient it is. Everyone has a car, and thus no parking. Valet is a must, and it sucks to pay. You get tickets all the time, because the state is so broke, so they are super expensive. I just got one for 50 bucks. Nasty! There is no parking anywhere! I have had to leave and give up attending some of the parties or houses because I could not find a place to park. I do not want to park a mile away from my destination as a girl in an area I do know understand. I really have no idea how businesses survive when the customer's cannot park at their stores! How do they make money?

Then to make things worse, there is real no public transportation. Taxis are so expensive, buses are slow, and subway is not convenient enough to use to get around. This needs to change. Coming from NYC and Boston, I definitely have high expectations on this. In addition, there is no central "downtown" busy hub life of the city. Downtown is full of banks, and becomes a ghost town after dark. The night life is not in one central location, so you have to choose where to go for the night and hope it is busy.

LA is so full of different groups of people for all sorts of lifestyles, and I have no idea where I fit in. LA has beaches, mountains, the artsy culture, the corporate culture, the glamour culture... you name it, it is here. I am not the independent artsy type, so I would not live in that section of town. I want to be in a big downtown area like NYC, but that is a desert town at night. The corporate culture is full of banks and is pretty straightforward but uninvolved. Then the film/industry culture, which seems to involve everyone, is artsy and laid back. We wear jeans to work and work long hours with lots of time being unproductive.

I like the beach, but I am not a beachy person. I want to play volleyball really badly, but I would not say I am the right "beach" culture person to live there. Then there is Hollywood. I am not into the heavy party scene that is a bit trashy and sluty. Sorry, just not happening.

In all, I need to find my niche. There is a lot to be offered here, but I don't know what group to connect myself too, especially to live. I hope that comes in time.

That brings up my next point. How long do I want to stay here? I am not sure. How long is adequate time to say I tried it and move on? I am assuming a year, but I cannot even see myself waiting for a job that long. I know I need to start my career here, but I miss my family, I miss being in a historic culture. More than anything, I want to be abroad.

I thought by moving here, I would be over the travel bug and the desire to work in another country. Nope. Last night, I got a text from my high school friend saying she got a job in China, and will move there for a year in two weeks! What? She has never even studied abroad, and now she is leaving for a foreign culture just like that? I always thought that would be my adventure. Instead, I am here in LA trying to find a job not traveling.

I think I will get back into looking abroad for working possibilities. I have always pictured myself working in London for two years between the ages of 24-26. That time has almost come, and I want to o through with it. I see myself there in a year from now even if I get a job here in LA. I do not want to miss out on a time in life where I could have traveled and didn't. One thing is for certain, I cannot get this desire to be abroad to leave me, so maybe that is a possible calling. Starting next week, I will look to see what there is.

I just want to get started on accomplishing my life goals, and waiting around for a job is not cutting it. I want to travel in my down time, I want to write my children's book, I want to be accomplishing something despite the economy.

I have no idea how long I will be in LA. I see myself here for a few months, but then abroad come the fall if I do not have a job. I know this is where I need to start my career, but not sure if it is where I want to keep it. I just want to see more of the world that I have not seen. I should not just focus myself as to what is here in LA. Keep my options open. With that concept, I will also keep my options open to find my niche here too. I don't know if I fit any of the LA "labels" as I call them, but I think I need to give it more time.

Worst Day Ever

(written 4.19.10)

I am starting to look back at these posts and I realize I am coming across as almost bipolar. I am sorry to those of you who read this, not sure why you would, but to inform you, I am not bipolar. I just have some really good days and then some really bad ones. I tell you how I see it, feel it, and how it is.

Today, unfortunately was one of the worst. I will leave out the details for confidential reasons, but let's just say, it was not a good day. I know this is LA, and this happens all the time, and for goodness sake, this is just a temp position. But still, it still hurt. I did not see my last day coming to an end like that. I thought for sure it would have been better.

I called my parents to tell them how upset I was and how awful my day was. The tears finally flowed. I felt like such an idiot. I can handle this, I can be tough, but at that moment, i felt anything but.

I know this week will get better, and that time will tell where I go next. I know, too, that this was a blessing in disguise because I was truly not meant to be there full time. Everything happens for a reason, and I need to trust that. I need to trust God, and this is a trying moment for me.

I gave God my future out here, and I know this all must be part of the plan, but it is so hard to trust the unknown. I am scared, and I feel so inadequate. I don't want this obstacle to change me or lead me to questioning the dream out here, but it is hard to stay positive today.

Why did I come out here? I don't have much to fall back on. More than anything, I want my family here to hug me and tell me it is alright. Where did I go wrong? Is this dream worth it? Is this idea I have of my life worth leaving my friends and family for over 3000 miles to work towards? Why can I not just be happy by living at home? I am never satisfied. When I am at home, I want to be somewhere else. When I am in FL, I know I am leaving and work there is not enough. When I am in LA, I want to be home. What am I not content with where I am!? Why?!

Why is it for every step forward I feel there is another leap back? I do not want to second guess myself or my abilities, but it is really hard not too right now. Am I that inadequate I lasted a month? Are my dreams bigger than what I can actually achieve? Why is it that I am never content?

I will stop with the self pity, but today just escalated these doubts that have been on my mind anyway. Randy Pausch, of the Last Lecture, summarizes it perfectly, "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough." Is this really what I want? I am trying hard to penetrate this wall of the Studios, and I look forward to when it breaks.I know I will come out stronger and laugh at this, but right now it is not that funny.

The only humor I could find with this situation, is that it actually parallels Conan's late-night Jay Leno/NBC situation. Think about it...

- I take over a new role for someone who wasn't working out and going on to something new.
- I was told I would be there for a longer period of time.
- Then suddenly, due to "business" reasons, I am being let go early.
- Not only that, but the person to fill my spot was the original person who held this position (like Jay coming back for 11:30).
- In the end, I have to leave the company all together in hopes of finding another path.

Does that make sense? I feel you Conan!

Right now, everything seems so confusing and cloudy, but I hope it will one day become clear. Until then, I will leave you with Randy Pausch's quote, which perfectly summarizes the situation. I am leaving here with experience, so I have not failed. To that I am completely grateful. Sorry for the downtrodden entry, but I had to get it out.

"Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted." -Randy Pausch

So Close, Yet So Far.... Networking Galore

(written from 4/14-4/16)

I have started the process of being mentally ready for my last day at work. The week has been rather fine, but it still upsets me knowing that I am leaving. I love my desk and the people on the floor and it doesn't seem real quite yet. I must say, that despite my future impending doom on Monday, I am still remaining dedicated to my work. I am still treating this as my job and I remain focused with the task at hand.

Speaking of task at hand, my last gloomy entry (sorry about my depression), I wrote about networking. This has become my sole goal in life right now. I am still here at the studios, and it is here I want to be. I am going to take the time I have left and work it to meet as many people as possible. I am not afraid to meet others and ask them about themselves, in fact, it is a great strength of mine. I know how to work contacts, the only problem is getting them.

Due to the short nature of my time left, I am trying to meet with as many people in production as possible. More specifically, my new goal in life is to get onto the production of Pirates 4. For those of you that don't know me, I am an obsessive Pirates fan. This movie franchise is one of my main inspirations as to why I chose to be in this industry. It upholds everything I believe in family entertainment: a great story, great characters, remerable moments that transcends all ages, great production value, and positive messages that reach out to everyone (such as a strong female protagonist, go after what you want and don't look back, live life on your own merit, etc...)

For the last few days and the next coming up, I have lunches with someone every single day in the production department. That is the only lead I have at the moment. It is not much, but it is something. I contacted a few others involved, reaching out to as many as I can, but nothing is grabbing.

Looking back at this, I feel like I am getting some momentum going. I feel like I am getting myself exposure to the execs that I need too. I feel SO CLOSE, yet so far from where I want to be. They start pre-production in one week, and start filming in June. I see the set decoration fabric on the walls of the floor the production is on. It gives me the chills seeing the sign above the fabric "Barbosa's lair"! Then as I walk further down the hallway, I see the actual location pictures hanging around! I must tell you, it is so hard not to squeal like a little girl when I see these! The locations are amazing. Huge trees with hug roots, gritty beaches. This will be a different feel than the former stories. I am so excited!!

Just seeing this makes me cringe even more, because I am sooooo close. I can almost taste it! I am walking with them, and seeing the people... but it is not enough to get hired. AHHH! I am on the floor I need to be visiting, talking to the people I need to talk too, but nothing is biting. If I had been involved from months before, maybe I could have had a place. I am not giving up though. I am going into this with all the energy and determination I can get. I just personally do not know the people who can pull strings for me. I pray to God that something will give.

Overall, I am so close, yet so far. It is almost torture. I need to just keep going. Push what I can... who knows where it will take me.

This week has been networking galore. I am proud of myself, but I won't slow down until something breaks. This is when I can say life is exciting, but also nerve-racking. I have extreme highs of emotion to real lows. It is funny how I am back to square one of not having a lead, but I keep challenging myself to stay busy. I am making headway though, I feel it. That is promising. Like Walt Disney says, "just keep moving forward."

(thought you disney fans would like that one.)

The Biggest Let Down

This was written on Monday and Tuesday 4/12 and 4/13th. Not published until now for when the blog was in chronological order...

The Biggest Letdown

Today can go down as the worst day since I got here. I did not even see this coming. I feel so upset, angry, disappointed, everything. I feel like my plan just came to a screeching halt, and there is nothing I can do about it! Where did I go wrong?

"What happened," you ask? Well, I will just get straight to it. I was let go. I have not even had it yet for a month! 3 weeks! How embarrassing. I am so embarrassed that I did could not even call my parents and tell them. Who loses their job after 3 measly weeks? This will definitely go down in the record books! Am I just supposed to sit there and take it, or can I stand up for myself? I just took it and said I understood that she was looking for more experience, but I had no idea that she would be cutting me off within the week! I still have 2.5 months left. What about June!?

I left work with my head held high, and tried not to cry. It was so hard to stay professional when all I wanted to do was scream and run into solitude. I feel like I have been hit by a large anvil that is crushing me from the weight. Is this what it feels like to have your heart broken? If so, I never want to experience this again.

All I want to do tonight is curl up in a ball and cry. I feel like I have completely and utterly failed. I have let myself down, my family down, and my co-workers down. But what is worst of all is, I have no idea where I went wrong! I can tell you it was not based on performance, but the rest is confidential.

I know this is LA, and this is the business, but I feel like I am just getting started. I was just gaining momentum in networking, in trying to accomplish my goal to get on Pirates 4, but now, that momentum has come to a screeching halt. I feel like I just got my feet warm and was about to dive in, but now the chance has ended. I hate the feeling that I didn't have time to prove myself, I did not have time to live up to my potential. With that concept, I feel like I failed.

I know I should not second guess myself and why I came out here, because that will not change anything, but it is hard not to look back and wonder. This is definitely making me question my dream, but I don't even want to go that far into it. It is just too painful. Some of the questions that arise from that are: "Am I meant for this?", "What made me think I could do this?", "Are my dreams bigger than what is actually possible?" I won't explore those thoughts now, but they are definitely coming.

Maybe I am being to sorry for myself, but I cannot help but feel really disappointed. Is this one of those life tests to see if I can make it in the real world? If so, I don't like it, but I know I will be okay... eventually. I will take this last week at work, and work it really hard in networking and getting contacts. That will be my new goal. I have to stay focused on the task at hand, and accomplish what I came here to do. I will take this and run with it.

Who knows, maybe I do not see it now, but this could be a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason, right? Right, God?! I think this is just another one of those tests not just in life, but in faith. That is another entry, though. Let's just say I am not looking forward to my last day, which is now 2.5 months early.

okay, I am going to go try and eat dinner. Goodnight.

One Week

One week. One week left of anticipation. Left of excitement. Fear. Hope. Nervousness. And a sense of purpose. One week from today, I will be in California enjoying my first night on the west coast.

I am getting a rush of emotions as the thought of what's to come gets closer and closer. I am unsure of what is to come, how long I will struggle, how long I will last, or if I am ever to return home again. I know I will visit for the holidays, but I think I am about ready to leave the nest as some say. I do not consider the upcoming move "leaving the nest" but I guess it is a big deal. I have no idea what awaits me, and the thought that I have one week left in suburbia is pretty exciting.

I love my home, my family, and where I am from but I am ready for a change. I think this was a long time coming, especially after I realized I have to postpone my dream of going to Europe for who knows how long.

Anyway, I am just getting ready for a big trip. I went shopping this weekend for some new professional clothing, and i am really happy with my purchases. I am not naturally a fashion forward person, but I really want to try this year. It is hard! All that I really need is a pair of black boots, a hand bag, and a LBT (little black dress for you boys reading this).

I found out this week that the car service we are using to ship out our car will only allow me to bring about two bags worth of stuff. So, I basically can only bring what I can carry. Some clothes, and my computer/printer, and an aero-bed. That's it I think.

I know that I will be sleeping on an air mattress for the next few months till I can afford a bed of my own. The thought of even owning a bed outside of my childhood room is actually really exciting! I cannot wait to paint my room and make it my own. To have my own place.

The more I think about it, it seems I am actually moving to gain my independence back. I will be on my own once again, and I am ready to try it. My life is not going anywhere here at home. I have an amazingly supportive family, but no social life. I have been feeling so isolated and alone lately. I will explain that more in another post.

Anyway, I am getting really excited about the move coming up next week. But that also means, I have a lot of last minute things I want to do at home. That list includes: seeing a musical with my friend (Wednesday), watching Alice and eating dinner with my mentor and family friend (Thursday), going to the MOMA to see Tim Burton's exhibit (Friday), Visitng my good friend in South Jersey and babysitting at night (Sat), then packing sunday and monday...off to CA TUESDAY!

It will go by so fast. This is the first week that I actually have something planned for the next few days. I love having an agenda again!

My mom told me something yesterday, about the move, and it really touched me. She said that I am going to have a great and fascinating life ahead of me. I really hope that is true. I do not want to just sit idly by and see difference opportunities fly away. I want to experience things in this world not many people get to do. I want a well-rounded, fun story-telling life. After all, that is the business I am entering into. I just wish it becomes as good as I dream it will be.

So one week, 7 nights, 6 days, that is all I have left in Chatham, NJ. Wow, here it goes. I trust God and what will happen, but it still doesn't mean I don't have my reservations. I just hope I find a step in the right direction to a career of good fortune and a way to find and discover who I really am as a professional worker. YAY!

Until then...Goodnight.

Expect to Much?

One of the greatest relationships in my life, or the most sacred to me, are my friendships. I have been blessed to have many friends in my life, although that was never the case in my early childhood. I moved around many times before settling in NJ. By the age of ten, I moved 8 times, including Japan, and went to 15 different schools. Crazy I know, but that was my life. That is why my family is so close, and that is also a reason why I value friendships.

It was so hard to make friends for me because I knew I was going to leave them at some point. I know that being an independent and slightly odd kid never helped, but it was really hard to make and keep a friend. Luckily we settled in NJ, and I was really able to find a select core of girl friends. Some last till this day, others do not. In college, I made a handful of friends, but only one or two that are lasting friendships. Then of course, Disney, happened. I have a core group of 20 or so people that I talk to on a regular basis, and they have all enriched my lives tremendously. It amazes me within the last 3 years, my friends' geographical locations have spread from Chatham, NJ all the way into international borders in Brazil, Dominican Republic, Germany, Norway, New Zealand and Australia. That amazes me, I am truly blessed.

However, despite how rich in location I am with friends, I would really only say I have 5 core, best friends, who are my closest confidants (you know who you are). I am unsure if these 5 people are aware, but I keep my friendships at a high level because I never take a friendship for granted. To be a best friend comes with responsibility as well as exciting times and great joy. I would be lost without my best friends, I owe them everything. I would definitely not be the person I am today were it not for those who have stuck by me.

Having that be said, I have come to realize that maybe I am expecting way too much from my friends. I come from a family of high expectations and I have carried that into my relationships. I don't mean for it to happen, it's just automatic.

I feel I am a really good friend. I deeply care for them, and I would do anything for them. I make my affections known fairly often, especially in times of great distance, and I try hard to keep in touch as often as possible. I know that I make a good friend, and I feel that is one of my life's greatest duties. I just hope that my friends would do that for me in return.

Lately, I have been having a lot of excessive thought about my friendships. I think the move to LA is getting me really, really nervous because I am leaving my best friends and family behind for the unknown future. I just want to make sure that everything at home is good and stable before I leave, because if my core foundation is solid, then I can be solid away from home.

I have been realizing just how different each of my core friendships are from one another. I was told recently that "each friendship fills a different role in our lives", so naturally, each one varies. I must agree with this. One friend is the goofy, silly person to laugh with, as another is based on guidance and helps evaluate life's situations, while another is a friendship of venting about family, issues etc. And since each one has a different role, the frequency of which I talk to them also varies. With some of my best friends, I can go a few weeks to two months without talking. It doesn't mean anything is wrong, it just means we are balanced and alright with where we stand.

I don't have to talk to some person every single day, yet, with other friendships, it really bothers me if I do not talk to them at least once a week. One of my most cherished friendships is just that. I get mad if I don't hear from that person after a few days. And I get mad that I get mad! It shouldn't bother me if I don't hear from someone as often as I would like; but it does. I guess I just get scared of the distance, especially when I know there was no distance in the past. I don't like the idea of not knowing what is going on in my friend's life, not matter who it is.

This also brings up another point... The difference between girl and guy friends is something I am still learning. I never really had any real guy friends, so when I found some in college, I treated them with the same expectations I had with any of my girl friendships. Was this wrong? I still don't know. I have come to realize that boys are just wayyyyy more private than girls are, and guys don't like to chat about stuff. For a girl, this is the core of the friendship...being able to confide in one another. I am still learning that guys usually just want someone to hang with rather than respond too. Does that seem accurate?

If that is true, then I cannot help but get insecure of how the friendship will last if I move away. If I am no longer physically near my guy friends, are they going to stop talking to me? I hope not, that is why I like to hear exactly how they feel about the situation. Is that asking too much?

I think I do have expectations that are really high for my friendships, because I know I would be that person in return. If I would be there for someone, I would expect they do the same. Maybe I should just hope. I have gotten burned in the past a lot with this issue. Keeping in touch, which I am awesome at, and others are not. When do I become overbearing or too intrusive? For a girl, it is really hard to be too intrusive or trying too hard to keep in touch. However, with a guy... I think that anything can almost be taken as too intrusive. I am struggling to find this balance.

One of the hardest things for me to admit to myself is that I cannot make someone change. I cannot make them be friends with me. I have learned this the hard way many times through trying to befriend the popular click in middle school, the theater click in high school, trying to get my hs crush to be a meaningful friendship today, etc.

If I lose a friend, I need to learn to just let it go, and I can't. I cannot let people leave or exit my life. They have come into it, so naturally, they must stay. I cannot let things go. When I feel a friend becomes more distant, I do not accept it and give them space, I try everything in my power to fix the situation. This includes phone calls, texts, emails, anything to keep them close.

It is the worst feeling knowing someone is slipping away, and I am powerless to stop it. This powerless feeling is what I fear, it is what I want to avoid. Thus, I try stay active in my friend's life. I fear being alone and friendless.

I know this may be a bit possessive, and I am working on it. As of right now, I am trying really hard to keep my friendships at a balanced level. It is hard with temptations like FB, and Twitter, and Gchat, AIM and others. It is so easy to follow what is going on in your life electronically, but I miss hearing your voice. The voice is the best and truest form of communication. For my girls, we have a mutual understanding that is implied in our relationship of when to talk. I am not concerned for my girl friendships to last.

As for my guys, I am trying to relax and not be all up in your business. I do not want to lose you at all, but it makes it hard not knowing how you feel about the situation. If I am overbearing, I am sorry; I am not as uptight as I used to be. I send the occasional text, but that's it. Please know that I do not mean any harm, I am just trying to look out for you like any friend would. My friendships are sooo important to me, that I do not want them to end. I hate knowing that things change, people change, and life changes, but if the friendship is true, it will last through anything. I just hate not being around you all the time because friends are my family, and I always miss you.

Based on that, do I have high expectations? I guess I do. The expectation to keep in touch, to talk, to update me when something big happens, yea i guess that is a lot. I just like to know that I am important to someone. I like being the one you confide in. I love the idea of knowing someone so well that they eventually know you better than you know yourself. Obviously, I could talk about this for hours, but I will spare you.

I miss you all. I miss my 5 closest friends, who range in location from RI, AL, FL, and MA, at all times. As for my other friends, Thank you for everything. One of my favorite songs from Wicked reflects on friendship, and I feel it is very fitting. I have left the lyrics for you to read.

Wicked - For Good

(Elphaba) I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...

(Glinda) I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda) Because I knew you

(Both) I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda) Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba) Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both) Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda) And because I knew you...

(Elphaba) Because I knew you...

(Both) Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

Waiting on the Answer

Isn't it funny when time decides to move ever so slowly when you really don't want it too? And just the opposite when you don't need it too? Such a riddle. Well, I have been feeling like that every once in a while. The days at home are all blending together, so time can creeeeeeep by so slowly when I am bored. But then when I actually get to doing things, the day goes by so fast.

Well, this also happened with my spontaneous Orlando trip last weekend. I returned a week ago today. I must say that the week has crawled by for the most part, but looking back at it, it went so fast. I feel like I was just there yesterday.

I am glad I took the trip. The interview went well, and it was really informative. I came away with a great boost in self confidence and encouragement that I am doing the right thing. I chose the industry I was meant to be in, I am just waiting for my first big break. I know it is coming soon. But the most important thing I came away with last week was some closure. I left Orlando so abruptly in December, before I was ready, and I needed to go back even if were just for a few days. I know things have changed, and I needed to know that so I don't keep holding onto what was. Totally worth half of my savings... which it was.

Anyway, I am waiting; waiting for an answer from my job interview. I should be hearing soon. This interview is coming at a big crossroads in my life at the moment. I am just beginning to plan and feel mentally ready to go out to LA in March. I know the time and pressure is getting ripe, and I am on the verge of just packing up and going. The only thing stopping me? This potential job in Orlando. This would really change the direction in my life. The real question is: is it the right one?

I feel that this may be one of the biggest decisions I will ever make, and it will have the biggest impact in terms of my career. I basically have to decide between journalism and entertainment. LA has entertainment and Orlando has brought journalism. Entertainment is my passion, but I could be really good at journalism. Being a girl who hates to reject risks, do I take the position if it were offered? Or do I go chasing a dream possessed by so many and go to LA and try to beat out so many others with no guarantees? Or do I just postpone the LA dream for a while for a job I know I have the potential to be great at? But if I take the Orlando gig, am I rejecting entertainment from my unforeseeable future forever? I am so confused by all of this double questioning every move. I know each job has its pros and cons. I just fear making the wrong decision.

I see this potential job as a great experience; I can only learn from it. I could either hate it or absolutely love it. I have just had my heart set on entertainment for so long, that I have not really considered anything else. I just do not let obstacles deter me from my chosen path. But that is just it, I have chosen this path, so only I can make this decision. I guess that is the real inauguration to adulthood is it not? Since when was it up to me to make my own decision? I don't remember crossing that bridge, I must have crossed it blindfolded.

I am not sure what I will choose. I am preparing and going after LA wholeheartedly as if this Orlando opportunity is not around. I will only make my decision if I only get offered the position. As of now, I will keep low expectations with a positive attitude and stay focused on my goal at hand: to start my career. Unfortunately, that deals with having my future in some unknown executive's hands. Until then, I am waiting to hear from them. I will continue to wait for an answer, but I hope it's a good one.

Religious Questioning

As I previously stated, I seem to be going through a phase in life where I am questioning everything. It is not that I doubt a lot of my beliefs, I just want to make sure that I stand strong in them. This even includes my religion.

I was confirmed in the Presbyterian Church in 2002. It was a good moment in my life, and I was confident in my decision, especially after my specific experience or what I interpreted it as my "encounter" with God several months before. That was during my freshman year in high school, and it was a tough year. Some events from that year included: beginning high school, Sept 11th, family member diagnosed with leukemia, and becoming a serious athlete. So naturally during this time, I questioned my religion, more of what my relationship with God truly was. I often resented my classmates who were just going through the motions because it was expected by their parents. It was for me too, but I really tried to challenge myself. By the time of my confirmation, I felt so strong and set in my faith.

Since then, yes, faith has always been a core aspect to my life. I think of it as a glue, without it, I would fall apart. Without faith how can one get through the tough times or rejoice in the glorious? However, faith can mean all different kinds of things to various people. Faith does not associate you to a set religious organization, but defines you as more spiritual. As I have gone through college, I have learned that there is a difference between spirituality and religion. I never knew of this because of my home town being mostly Catholic, and being Christian was just part of the norm.

In college, I took an Eastern Religions class where I learned about Taoism, Confucianism, Hinduism, Muslim, and Buddhism. I was totally intrigued by this. Not that I am denying my own beliefs, but I was excited to know there are so many other ways to feel a greater purpose in life. In this class, our semester's purpose, was to define what the "ultimate purpose" was. To this day, it is something I constantly think about.

I am proud to be a Christian because I believe in its moral code, the goodness in people, the way we respect one another. What I do not like about the religion is how strict, closed-minded, rigid, and imposing it can be. I am open to exploring and understanding other beliefs because it gives me a sense of confidence in what I believe.

However, lately, I seem to have lost a sense of confidence in my faith. Maybe it is just due to the crazy, unpredictable times I am currently facing in life, or maybe it's something else I have yet to understand. Not one event has made me feel this way, but just a bunch of small things. One being, when I was in FL, many of my friends are either, A. not that religious, or B. of a different belief system. For the first time, I really felt like I was a minority. I have never been comfortable talking about my relationship with God because I take it personally, and I do not believe on imposing my ideas on others. I believe that most of being a Christian is defined through the way you live your life, not a matter of what you say to others. So I kept a lot of this doubt to myself, and it seems to have gotten worse, especially when I left FL.

Another reason for questioning is when I went church in FL, I did not agree with everything that was being said. I am not sure if this was due to a geological difference or not, but just because I viewed something differently, does that mean I am any less of a Christian? I do not believe so.

I also cannot stand the negative stereotype that comes with being religious. I hate it being used against me. No, I do not attend or have attended a Bible study every night where we sit around the campfire and pray. So just get that intense practice image out of your head. It isn't me. Just because I try to live my life with a good foundation does not mean I am not open to other ideas. I believe I am more flexible and open to interpretation with my spirituality. I even thought about going to various religious leaders and asking them about their faith i.e. a Rabbi for Judiasm.

Speaking of Judiasm, I have become more and more intrigued about this religion. I am trying to understand it as much as possible. I know it is one set by rules, and expectations, but for it being the "parent" of the Christian faith, I find it a bit ignorant to one not explore its message.

Can I be honest for a sec? This is hard for me to admit, but that is what this blog is for, right? Well even as I write about this sensitive subject, I am afraid to mention Jesus. It is taking a lot for me not to delete his name from this entry, and I have no idea why. I am unsure of him at the moment, I guess. Is it wrong to feel closer to God rather than Jesus? Or does Jesus come first? Why? I hope to get this all figured out.

Anyway, I know that I have a firm belief in God, and every relationship has ups and downs. Some of these other "down" factors have been deaths in the family, a loss for direction in my current life, losing jobs, and just being in a time of uncertainty; all of these naturally lead to religious questioning.

I believe faith is a very personal journey, and it is often hard for me to talk about it openly. However, I just want to make sure my faith remains strong with conviction, and that I find my purpose or my life's destined path sooner rather than later. And as I go through this period, I do not want anyone to think negatively of me, I hope others would form their opinion of me from all various aspects of my life as I do them.

Sorry if I rambled, it just helps to say it all as I feel. So for now, I am soul searching... searching for explanations, answers, confirmation, and God's voice.

Questioning Everything

As we grow older it is only natural that we question the world that we live in. For many people, this time of questioning is during their teenage years. For me, well, I think I am going through it now. I am not sure why now, but for some reason, I have been questioning anything and everything.

Growing up, I have had a very curious mind. I love to understand the details of life from psychology to weather. I have always been the one to ask the questions in class above everyone else. Even currently, my friends call me 20Q because of the frequency I question things. "I am thirsty for knowledge," says my mom, but what I think I am really after is the truth. Not to get all XFiles on you, but I want to know what is the right way to perceive the world.

That may sound like an impossible task as there is no one way to see the world. But, I want to form a very educated pov so as I grow older, I know I am making the most informed decisions. This approach will cover every topic from religion, politics, friendship, science, leisure, and more.

I am not sure why this questioning is coming about now, in this time of my life, this time of year, but it has. As a teenager, I have always been very obedient accepting that the truth comes from those who are older than me. I never tried to prove it wrong, whether that was my mother and her political beliefs, or confirmation class in church. Parents, teachers, pastors... they are my main source of opinions, well, were.

I think that because I have been going through a very strong soul searching period in my life, if I am going to question my future, I have to challenge everything I know. Since graduation in May, I have been struggling to form my own opinion on issues such as gay marriage, christianity, and conservatism. I have always had an answer to those topics, but for the first time, I am unsure if I think that way because I want/choose too, or if it is because of my upbringing. That thought has sent a chill down my spine, because I do NOT want to go through life knowing that my opinion was formed solely by others. I need to know that I feel that way because I CHOSE to do it. Thus, to escape the sheltered box of my upbringing, I am now questioning everything.

I get a lot of crap about how I was brought up sometimes from others because it was very conservative, small town minded. I know that concept creates a stereotype of who I am, how others will see me when we meet for the first time. It is an image that I am not comfortable with, especially if that is the way people perceive me.

I do not want to be known as the sheltered girl anymore. I want to break free from it. It sucks knowing that a lot of life has been experienced through an invisible cage. There are many that see this in me, and turn it into a huge fault, and use it as a reason to not help me out, to ignore me, to not like me. If I ever saw someone like that, I would love to teach them about life. I take it personally when people use my background against me.

I am trying to shatter this image without sacrificing the values that I believe. I want to form my own opinions, and I want to find my own voice. BUT, I cannot do this alone. I have been lucky enough to have some true individuals in my life. They live the life the way they want, and I learn from them. I do not want to be around the same cookie-cutter image of Chatham, NJ. That is why I have friends like Allan and James, who are unique individuals, and I love them. That is what I want to become: my own individual.

I think that all of this is challenging life is a direct result from the stage of uncertainty I am currently living. With tough economic times, I am not sure what the future holds, or where I am going. The only thing I have control over is how I choose to see the world. I guess I am going through my teenage angst rather late in life, but later is better than never.

I cannot break free of this sheltered image without help, so if you know me, please know that I am open to learn. I want people to understand that I have a very open mind, and that I love to listen about other ways of life. If we do not have things in common, then what better way to learn about each other? Please do not see me for my past, but for what I am trying to become.

Here is to finding my new voice, my new opinions... here is to questioning everything.