Worst Day Ever

(written 4.19.10)

I am starting to look back at these posts and I realize I am coming across as almost bipolar. I am sorry to those of you who read this, not sure why you would, but to inform you, I am not bipolar. I just have some really good days and then some really bad ones. I tell you how I see it, feel it, and how it is.

Today, unfortunately was one of the worst. I will leave out the details for confidential reasons, but let's just say, it was not a good day. I know this is LA, and this happens all the time, and for goodness sake, this is just a temp position. But still, it still hurt. I did not see my last day coming to an end like that. I thought for sure it would have been better.

I called my parents to tell them how upset I was and how awful my day was. The tears finally flowed. I felt like such an idiot. I can handle this, I can be tough, but at that moment, i felt anything but.

I know this week will get better, and that time will tell where I go next. I know, too, that this was a blessing in disguise because I was truly not meant to be there full time. Everything happens for a reason, and I need to trust that. I need to trust God, and this is a trying moment for me.

I gave God my future out here, and I know this all must be part of the plan, but it is so hard to trust the unknown. I am scared, and I feel so inadequate. I don't want this obstacle to change me or lead me to questioning the dream out here, but it is hard to stay positive today.

Why did I come out here? I don't have much to fall back on. More than anything, I want my family here to hug me and tell me it is alright. Where did I go wrong? Is this dream worth it? Is this idea I have of my life worth leaving my friends and family for over 3000 miles to work towards? Why can I not just be happy by living at home? I am never satisfied. When I am at home, I want to be somewhere else. When I am in FL, I know I am leaving and work there is not enough. When I am in LA, I want to be home. What am I not content with where I am!? Why?!

Why is it for every step forward I feel there is another leap back? I do not want to second guess myself or my abilities, but it is really hard not too right now. Am I that inadequate I lasted a month? Are my dreams bigger than what I can actually achieve? Why is it that I am never content?

I will stop with the self pity, but today just escalated these doubts that have been on my mind anyway. Randy Pausch, of the Last Lecture, summarizes it perfectly, "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough." Is this really what I want? I am trying hard to penetrate this wall of the Studios, and I look forward to when it breaks.I know I will come out stronger and laugh at this, but right now it is not that funny.

The only humor I could find with this situation, is that it actually parallels Conan's late-night Jay Leno/NBC situation. Think about it...

- I take over a new role for someone who wasn't working out and going on to something new.
- I was told I would be there for a longer period of time.
- Then suddenly, due to "business" reasons, I am being let go early.
- Not only that, but the person to fill my spot was the original person who held this position (like Jay coming back for 11:30).
- In the end, I have to leave the company all together in hopes of finding another path.

Does that make sense? I feel you Conan!

Right now, everything seems so confusing and cloudy, but I hope it will one day become clear. Until then, I will leave you with Randy Pausch's quote, which perfectly summarizes the situation. I am leaving here with experience, so I have not failed. To that I am completely grateful. Sorry for the downtrodden entry, but I had to get it out.

"Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted." -Randy Pausch