What’s Done is Done

Monday, May 23^rd)

One more thing I would like to address before bedtime.

I went to the Doctor today for my back. Not sure if you guys know, but I hurt my back over the holidays this year and I never fully recovered. Although I am fine now and feel no pain, I have had some side effects. I have lost feeling in my left leg in some areas.

My pinky toe is constantly on pins and needles, as if it is always asleep. That tingling sensation travels along the left side of my food to my heel. Then from the Achilles tendon put to a few inches higher than my knee on the back of my leg, I have no feeling at all. It is just numb. I was hoping there would be a chance to restore some of the feeling back, hence the doctor’s visit.

Well, the news is what I expected, but not what I wanted to hear. Because I have such a major disk herniation, the nerve is ultimately dying. Once a nerve decides to stop working, it is permanent. Unless my body decides to heal itself somehow magically, I will have to live with loss of feeling the rest of my life.

I remember learning this through my science days. I know the nerves in the nervous system do not have the same reproductive abilities as say blood cells do. It has to do with the synapses and communication between the nerve endings. Like an electrical circuit, it can just short circuit and never work, and ultimately has to be replaced. Well you cannot replace your nerves, so I will just have to live with it.

I know that as frustrating and annoying loss of feeling really is, I could have so many other problems to live with. I am lucky it is only this. I mean, I don’t have Rheumatoid arthritis like my mother has to live, or a real illness. This is just inconvenient.

Anyway, what is done is done. There is no treatment, and it is irreversible. Oh well. I just hope that I stay in good enough shape the rest of my life to prevent it from getting worse. Just thought you should know.

Night!

Second Place is Not the Best

(written Tuesday 10/5/10)

Once again, I have come second in another job offer. I was soooo close to it, I felt I had it! This was such a great opportunity, maybe it was too good to be true. It was as close to my dream start as I could get! Ugh, I am sooo....sooo.... I don't know. I feel like I should be mad, but it seems this is how life has gone lately. I shouldn't be surprised I got another rejection, but I am surprised it was so close to what I wanted. What makes it worse was that I came second. Not last, not 5th, but I was the next in line to get it. Just shy of first place. It's like I was out touched by a hair during a swimming race. Can anyone guess the reason? You bettcha! "I am not experienced enough!" Number of times I have heard that excuse: 285 (give or take a few.)

Let me back up and explain. I was in Orlando yesterday, and I had a 2pm flight leaving MCO to LAX. While I was at home last week, I got an email asking for an interview on Monday at 11am. There was no way I could make it because I was in Orlando. I asked for Tuesday, but if I did not come on Monday, I would no longer be considered a candidate. We arranged for a 6pm interview. The job was working on a television talk show as a booker/researcher. I will explain more in a minute.

So.... I left MCO at 2pm, flew into LAX at 4:35pm, and drove straight to the interview. Talk about crazy! Of course, on this day it was actually cloudy and rainy in LA! Not only did the weather suck, but LA people react to rain as if the world is ending, it is so foreign to them. So the drivers were panicky, but to make matters worse, all the highway exits but one were closed leaving the airport. What?! It took us 20 minutes to go .5 miles.

Talk about a nightmare. Eventually getting onto the highway, we faced tons of traffic. Eventually, we gave up and drove through the city. It was now 5:30pm. Rush hour, downtown, raining... there could not have been a worse combination to get to this interview. It took us an hour and a half to go 8 miles. We made it at 6:30pm. I wanted to cry I was so late, but the lack or time management for LAers worked with me on this because the executive was not free until I got there. Awesome.

The interview went well, and I really wanted it. I would be in charge of researching and putting together segment ideas for the show. I came up with about seven on my own and pitched it to them. Working on this show would be an amazing start because it combined my love for tv, with my EMT background, in a talk show where I would get a lot of responsibility with room to grow. I left feeling really good about it.

So today, the next day, I was on my way to the lot to drop off my thank you card for the executive, but she called me and said don't bother. They hired someone else who has more experience. However, they really liked me, I will be on the top of their list to hire throughout the season, I will go far in this industry, I am meant for daytime tv, yadda yadda yadda, and I should go buy myself some coffee. All I took from it was: I came second.

Sometimes I wish our childhood rhymes of "First is the worst, second is the best, and third is the one with the hairy chest" actually applied to real life. Second is not the best. It is just shy of the best. Just shy of an opportunity. Just shy of being employed.

I cannot wait to be first! To come first someday, oh how that will feel great! These last six months have been filled with so much competition, and I almost win. Almost. I just need to keep working hard for that finish! I think I will take what my brother said, and write down all my rejections and put them in a box. Collect them so when I do when the marathon, I can look at how many individual races I lost to build my endurance and eventually come first.

At least I can say I am making head way. I almost landed a dream start. Maybe this is a sign I am getting closer. I am still determined and focused. My race will come, and my finish will be great! Until then, I am still a close second.

Anyone Want to Use Talent?

I am afraid I am about to sound a bit bi-polar in this entry compared to the last one with more excitement, but I think you are all used to that by now.

I guess I have hit another funk today, and it seems to be affecting my mood. I think it has a large part to do with my broken back this week (I have a slipped disk and it's really killing me at this very moment.). Even with a broken back, I seem to feel lost for a direction again.

I really feel I have slowed down the pace of my life since Ihave returned from NJ a great deal. It is nice to just take life one day at a time. However, I am now borderlining boredom! I hate, hate, hate boredom. There are so many other things I want to do with my life, and being bored just unnerves me.

Work has been super, super slow, which is unusual for a production office, and when I do work it is all the straight forward filing, copy, scan. It is all intern work except for the $$$. I am fine with it, but I am feeling stifled. I am feeling underused and not reaching my full potential.

I WANT A JOB THAT USES MY TALENTS!! I want to be a leader, I want to be used for my strengths. I am a STRONG organizer, strong multi-tasker who is very meticulous to every details. I love being in charge of the puzzle and making all the pieces fit. I am creative and I need a fast apced-creative work enviornment.

I want to be important and have lots of responsibilities. I am not searching for fame, that is dumb, but I am looking to be important to others for what I do at work. This is the "super career" I have previsouly mentioned. I want to move up the ranks, USE MY BRAIN to solve issues. I want to be challenged in a creative way. I am always proud of my work, so I want to be important and the best at what I do, darn it!! Why is this so hard to find a job?!

I know I need to start from the ground up, and I am. But i feel I am not getting anywhere once again. I am not producing, I am not getting the basic ground work done that I need. I just applied for a job that would allow me to start the ground work for Good Morning America, and I was just told they closed the position.

Temping is great, but I feel like I am putting all of my eggs into one basket. I am not being challenged intellectually; it is all straight forward. I am tired of asking the smallest question which seems to undermine my true intelligence. They are not going to just hand me a job. I need to start pushing and meeting again, so within the last few hours, I have reached out to about 5 new execs with no responses as of yet.

I feel like my brain is rotting. I am a girl who's identity was through excelling in academics as a kid and in college. I want to be known for being smart, and have people want to use me for those issues.

Due to my stifled conditions, I have had the notion I cannot trust the world to do anything for me no matter how hard I try. I need to take actions into my own hands. I have had the idea of starting an organizing service as a way to make money for clients who need that. I have thought of starting my own production company, but I have no collateral for that. I have had the ideas of children's story books for me to write which have popped into my head. I was even thinking of hair modeling since this is the talent capital of the world.

I feel lost for a direction in my career, and really bummed in the fact that I am no where near landing a job again. Why can I not find a job? I am just soooo frustrated because I feel like I am missing my chance to get the foundation set for a great career. Am I not going to get there? How can I be successful when this much time has elapsed and I don't have much to show for it?

Maybe I was not meant for a career and the idea of being a stong leader/businesswoman is just silly. I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer for anyone, but I am really low in spirit this week, which is not like me. It sucks being in a funk.

I have to trust God that it will all work out, but I am in real need of company. I am in need of a friend and a hug today. I feel so far away from everything that I want, love and need. Please tell me it will all work out. I feel so lost again, and I want to just get to where I was meant to be. What is my calling?!!? Why can I not find it yet after all this year has put me through?!

Okay, I am going to go cool off. Sorry for this really morbid note. I just want to use my talents and not feel so bored. Does anyone have an opening for talent? I am available.

A Look Back: A Year in Retrospect

So I just realized today is my One Year Anniversary from when I graduated from Boston University. I cannot believe how fast this day has come. I mean, it was slow when I lived it day by day, but it does not feel I have come to this monumental point quite yet. I always thought this day would be filled with happiness or accomplishment, but I am actaully surprised at my reaction. I am perplexed and indifferent.

I have been dreading this moment for quite sometime within the last few months because it marks one of unachieved goals. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot that I am happy for: a healthy family, strong friendships, moving out west to pursue my career, finding some work... list goes on.

However, I cannot help and also look at what I have failed to accomplish during this time. I remember a talk I had with a great friend of mine in FL who graduated a year before I did. When he hit his year anniversary last year, he was in a similar boat and we analyzed his life, where he was, and where he thought he would be. He found some of what he was looking for, but I remember thinking I would have accomplished more when my year anniversary comes around. Wrong! I am far from it. Let me explain...

A little over a year ago, I was completing my 6th internship, and applying for as many jobs as possible. I have been whole-heartedly applying for full time positions since February 2009. By the time graduation came around, I still had nada. I had several promising leads that I would have to wait out for till the end of the summer. So I did. I moved to Orlando, and made money to support my future move wherever the job came from. August came and went, and the leads I had fell through. I was devastated! Since then, I have been feeling the pressure to get started with my career.

At this time last year, I knew I didn't have a job, but I was exploring all my possibilities. I was actually relieved I was not hired out of college. Ideally, if God would grant it, I wanted a year off as my "gap year" between school and work. I wanted to travel! So I was exploring working on a cruise line for 6 months with a friend, and I also dedicated myself to work abroad as an intern. I had a lead to work in London in the Fall on the Harry Potter set, but that also fell through.

Let's just say. This has been a year of a lot of rejection. I promised myself a year ago, I would travel in the spring of 2010. I thought I would go on a month trip through Europe and see all of the places I have wanted to see for so long. Well that quickly went out the door because I knew I would not be able to move out if I traveled. I have postponed my dream of living abroad for a while, and that was really hard to admit, and a blow to my pride.

While this was happening, I was in Orlando working at Walt Disney World, and that soon became harder for me too. I was forced out of my work area of 3 years in July for BS reasons and poor management, moved to the water park, boat marina, and I felt I was losing my potential as a person. As a driven and ambitious person, I could not take the feeling of being unproductive anymore. Then in December, my grandfather, who lives down the street from me, passed away. That devastated me, and it forced me to move back home to NJ.

I stayed there for three months feeling like I failed, and I had to get out So I bought my ticket and made the move. The move has not been unbearable, but it has had its challenges and definite ups and downs.

I did not ask to graduate in the WORST economy ever, that just happened. On top of having some personal losses, I have also had a very challenging year in my faith. I have been shakin' and stirred in what feels like a tornado sometimes.

Now over 250 job applications later (no joke), and 4 written and re-written resumes, I still find myself in the same position: unemployed. I look back at the year, and I am sad to know that I did not do the traveling I wanted, I did not really accomplish my basic goals. I thought I would be a year into being an assistant at a production company or a television show, havig found my social scene, and really enjoying the greatness of life. I have however, had my "gap year", but not by choice.

Now that the next year of graduates are entering the work force, I have more competition. I feel that I am starting with the same circumstances as they. I did not think this was where I was going to be a year later. In ways, I feel really behind, in others I don't. I know my career is a marathon, not a sprint, but I just want to get started already, and I feel time and pressure ticking.

Yes, I have only been out here for 2 months yesterday, and it takes 3 months to find on average your fist job, but it has been ONE YEAR! Out of all of this, my greatest lession is learning patience. I am also learning a new definition of faith, as I have done the ins and outs of soul searching. Maybe that was how I will define this year: complete Soul Searching.

Anyway, I am here. I am alive. I have graduated, and I have moved to LA. That is where I am and I will deal with those circumstances. I look forward to this next year, but if I have learned anything, that is: I have no idea where I will end up. I just hope it's up!

Worst Day Ever

(written 4.19.10)

I am starting to look back at these posts and I realize I am coming across as almost bipolar. I am sorry to those of you who read this, not sure why you would, but to inform you, I am not bipolar. I just have some really good days and then some really bad ones. I tell you how I see it, feel it, and how it is.

Today, unfortunately was one of the worst. I will leave out the details for confidential reasons, but let's just say, it was not a good day. I know this is LA, and this happens all the time, and for goodness sake, this is just a temp position. But still, it still hurt. I did not see my last day coming to an end like that. I thought for sure it would have been better.

I called my parents to tell them how upset I was and how awful my day was. The tears finally flowed. I felt like such an idiot. I can handle this, I can be tough, but at that moment, i felt anything but.

I know this week will get better, and that time will tell where I go next. I know, too, that this was a blessing in disguise because I was truly not meant to be there full time. Everything happens for a reason, and I need to trust that. I need to trust God, and this is a trying moment for me.

I gave God my future out here, and I know this all must be part of the plan, but it is so hard to trust the unknown. I am scared, and I feel so inadequate. I don't want this obstacle to change me or lead me to questioning the dream out here, but it is hard to stay positive today.

Why did I come out here? I don't have much to fall back on. More than anything, I want my family here to hug me and tell me it is alright. Where did I go wrong? Is this dream worth it? Is this idea I have of my life worth leaving my friends and family for over 3000 miles to work towards? Why can I not just be happy by living at home? I am never satisfied. When I am at home, I want to be somewhere else. When I am in FL, I know I am leaving and work there is not enough. When I am in LA, I want to be home. What am I not content with where I am!? Why?!

Why is it for every step forward I feel there is another leap back? I do not want to second guess myself or my abilities, but it is really hard not too right now. Am I that inadequate I lasted a month? Are my dreams bigger than what I can actually achieve? Why is it that I am never content?

I will stop with the self pity, but today just escalated these doubts that have been on my mind anyway. Randy Pausch, of the Last Lecture, summarizes it perfectly, "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough." Is this really what I want? I am trying hard to penetrate this wall of the Studios, and I look forward to when it breaks.I know I will come out stronger and laugh at this, but right now it is not that funny.

The only humor I could find with this situation, is that it actually parallels Conan's late-night Jay Leno/NBC situation. Think about it...

- I take over a new role for someone who wasn't working out and going on to something new.
- I was told I would be there for a longer period of time.
- Then suddenly, due to "business" reasons, I am being let go early.
- Not only that, but the person to fill my spot was the original person who held this position (like Jay coming back for 11:30).
- In the end, I have to leave the company all together in hopes of finding another path.

Does that make sense? I feel you Conan!

Right now, everything seems so confusing and cloudy, but I hope it will one day become clear. Until then, I will leave you with Randy Pausch's quote, which perfectly summarizes the situation. I am leaving here with experience, so I have not failed. To that I am completely grateful. Sorry for the downtrodden entry, but I had to get it out.

"Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted." -Randy Pausch

The Biggest Let Down

This was written on Monday and Tuesday 4/12 and 4/13th. Not published until now for when the blog was in chronological order...

The Biggest Letdown

Today can go down as the worst day since I got here. I did not even see this coming. I feel so upset, angry, disappointed, everything. I feel like my plan just came to a screeching halt, and there is nothing I can do about it! Where did I go wrong?

"What happened," you ask? Well, I will just get straight to it. I was let go. I have not even had it yet for a month! 3 weeks! How embarrassing. I am so embarrassed that I did could not even call my parents and tell them. Who loses their job after 3 measly weeks? This will definitely go down in the record books! Am I just supposed to sit there and take it, or can I stand up for myself? I just took it and said I understood that she was looking for more experience, but I had no idea that she would be cutting me off within the week! I still have 2.5 months left. What about June!?

I left work with my head held high, and tried not to cry. It was so hard to stay professional when all I wanted to do was scream and run into solitude. I feel like I have been hit by a large anvil that is crushing me from the weight. Is this what it feels like to have your heart broken? If so, I never want to experience this again.

All I want to do tonight is curl up in a ball and cry. I feel like I have completely and utterly failed. I have let myself down, my family down, and my co-workers down. But what is worst of all is, I have no idea where I went wrong! I can tell you it was not based on performance, but the rest is confidential.

I know this is LA, and this is the business, but I feel like I am just getting started. I was just gaining momentum in networking, in trying to accomplish my goal to get on Pirates 4, but now, that momentum has come to a screeching halt. I feel like I just got my feet warm and was about to dive in, but now the chance has ended. I hate the feeling that I didn't have time to prove myself, I did not have time to live up to my potential. With that concept, I feel like I failed.

I know I should not second guess myself and why I came out here, because that will not change anything, but it is hard not to look back and wonder. This is definitely making me question my dream, but I don't even want to go that far into it. It is just too painful. Some of the questions that arise from that are: "Am I meant for this?", "What made me think I could do this?", "Are my dreams bigger than what is actually possible?" I won't explore those thoughts now, but they are definitely coming.

Maybe I am being to sorry for myself, but I cannot help but feel really disappointed. Is this one of those life tests to see if I can make it in the real world? If so, I don't like it, but I know I will be okay... eventually. I will take this last week at work, and work it really hard in networking and getting contacts. That will be my new goal. I have to stay focused on the task at hand, and accomplish what I came here to do. I will take this and run with it.

Who knows, maybe I do not see it now, but this could be a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason, right? Right, God?! I think this is just another one of those tests not just in life, but in faith. That is another entry, though. Let's just say I am not looking forward to my last day, which is now 2.5 months early.

okay, I am going to go try and eat dinner. Goodnight.