Anyone Want to Use Talent?

I am afraid I am about to sound a bit bi-polar in this entry compared to the last one with more excitement, but I think you are all used to that by now.

I guess I have hit another funk today, and it seems to be affecting my mood. I think it has a large part to do with my broken back this week (I have a slipped disk and it's really killing me at this very moment.). Even with a broken back, I seem to feel lost for a direction again.

I really feel I have slowed down the pace of my life since Ihave returned from NJ a great deal. It is nice to just take life one day at a time. However, I am now borderlining boredom! I hate, hate, hate boredom. There are so many other things I want to do with my life, and being bored just unnerves me.

Work has been super, super slow, which is unusual for a production office, and when I do work it is all the straight forward filing, copy, scan. It is all intern work except for the $$$. I am fine with it, but I am feeling stifled. I am feeling underused and not reaching my full potential.

I WANT A JOB THAT USES MY TALENTS!! I want to be a leader, I want to be used for my strengths. I am a STRONG organizer, strong multi-tasker who is very meticulous to every details. I love being in charge of the puzzle and making all the pieces fit. I am creative and I need a fast apced-creative work enviornment.

I want to be important and have lots of responsibilities. I am not searching for fame, that is dumb, but I am looking to be important to others for what I do at work. This is the "super career" I have previsouly mentioned. I want to move up the ranks, USE MY BRAIN to solve issues. I want to be challenged in a creative way. I am always proud of my work, so I want to be important and the best at what I do, darn it!! Why is this so hard to find a job?!

I know I need to start from the ground up, and I am. But i feel I am not getting anywhere once again. I am not producing, I am not getting the basic ground work done that I need. I just applied for a job that would allow me to start the ground work for Good Morning America, and I was just told they closed the position.

Temping is great, but I feel like I am putting all of my eggs into one basket. I am not being challenged intellectually; it is all straight forward. I am tired of asking the smallest question which seems to undermine my true intelligence. They are not going to just hand me a job. I need to start pushing and meeting again, so within the last few hours, I have reached out to about 5 new execs with no responses as of yet.

I feel like my brain is rotting. I am a girl who's identity was through excelling in academics as a kid and in college. I want to be known for being smart, and have people want to use me for those issues.

Due to my stifled conditions, I have had the notion I cannot trust the world to do anything for me no matter how hard I try. I need to take actions into my own hands. I have had the idea of starting an organizing service as a way to make money for clients who need that. I have thought of starting my own production company, but I have no collateral for that. I have had the ideas of children's story books for me to write which have popped into my head. I was even thinking of hair modeling since this is the talent capital of the world.

I feel lost for a direction in my career, and really bummed in the fact that I am no where near landing a job again. Why can I not find a job? I am just soooo frustrated because I feel like I am missing my chance to get the foundation set for a great career. Am I not going to get there? How can I be successful when this much time has elapsed and I don't have much to show for it?

Maybe I was not meant for a career and the idea of being a stong leader/businesswoman is just silly. I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer for anyone, but I am really low in spirit this week, which is not like me. It sucks being in a funk.

I have to trust God that it will all work out, but I am in real need of company. I am in need of a friend and a hug today. I feel so far away from everything that I want, love and need. Please tell me it will all work out. I feel so lost again, and I want to just get to where I was meant to be. What is my calling?!!? Why can I not find it yet after all this year has put me through?!

Okay, I am going to go cool off. Sorry for this really morbid note. I just want to use my talents and not feel so bored. Does anyone have an opening for talent? I am available.

Stifling Cage

This was a message I meant to send last night. It applies a bit to today, but I was a lot better. Just one of those nights...

Ugh! Tonight is just one of those nights that is just purely frustrating. It's not like anything bad has happened, but just an accumulation of all the small things. Everything from my parents not understanding me, not being allowed to say what I really want, and not getting anywhere. Plus, tonight is supposed to bring on Snowmaggedon -about 12 inches are expected for my area.

Anyway, I feel like there is not much keeping me from screaming on the top of my lungs. Just need the perfect area to do it. I was so excited earlier because my cousins are going to Orlando next week, and I really, really want to be there to spoil them. So now, I am trying to find every way to get me down there for those days. Not sure if it will happen.

One of the things that stresses me out most in life is money. I know it shouldn't, but it does. The fact I am not making any, but getting the pressure to start paying for things is super stressful. A family member wants me to start taking over my life insurance bills, despite the fact that she bought me that as a present. Is it fair to have me pay for my own present? I am grateful, but I just do not understand it at the moment.

So welcome to the real world jobless college grad! Here are some of the bills I know I need to start taking over: health insurance, car insurance, cell phone, life insurance, student loans, and debt to parents. That is all without moving out of the house yet. Soon, there will be rent, utilities, food, gas, and more on top of that. I hate knowing life is so expensive without going anywhere!!

I just feel soo... stifled. I want to be a person that is understood by those around me, be creative in a supportive environment, and just act the random, unique way I want to be. Unfortunately, that is not always understood by my parents. We have not even brought up my moving to LA plan yet. They are so busy, and not always here nowadays, so I cannot get my voice out.

For example, I was in the car with one of my parents, and a lime green utilities "sniper" truck was around. I commented on how it was like the Scooby Doo van, and we had such an awkward exchange of "what? I don't get it." Ugh, it wasn't that funny, but to repeat it 300 times defeats the point. That was one of three misunderstood comments just today.

I miss feeling young, I miss feeling extroverted. I miss feeling like the world is on my shoulders. I feel like I am getting into this closed-in, shrinking cage, and I am stifled. Stifled to be free, be myself, and be happy. Not sure how much more of this I can take. Best way to describe it is a "slingshot"; I am getting more and more force pulling back on me, that I feel I am about to shoot off extremely fast and conquer the world.

In fact, I added to one of my life's goals: Scream at the top of my lungs somewhere. Just need to find that place.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a lot better, but with so much snow coming and keeping us inside, I think it is just a physical symbol of how caged in a actually feel. I want to break free with the sunshine on my face!!

Okay, enough complaining. Just had to end a bad day. Until tomorrow...