Second Place is Not the Best

(written Tuesday 10/5/10)

Once again, I have come second in another job offer. I was soooo close to it, I felt I had it! This was such a great opportunity, maybe it was too good to be true. It was as close to my dream start as I could get! Ugh, I am sooo....sooo.... I don't know. I feel like I should be mad, but it seems this is how life has gone lately. I shouldn't be surprised I got another rejection, but I am surprised it was so close to what I wanted. What makes it worse was that I came second. Not last, not 5th, but I was the next in line to get it. Just shy of first place. It's like I was out touched by a hair during a swimming race. Can anyone guess the reason? You bettcha! "I am not experienced enough!" Number of times I have heard that excuse: 285 (give or take a few.)

Let me back up and explain. I was in Orlando yesterday, and I had a 2pm flight leaving MCO to LAX. While I was at home last week, I got an email asking for an interview on Monday at 11am. There was no way I could make it because I was in Orlando. I asked for Tuesday, but if I did not come on Monday, I would no longer be considered a candidate. We arranged for a 6pm interview. The job was working on a television talk show as a booker/researcher. I will explain more in a minute.

So.... I left MCO at 2pm, flew into LAX at 4:35pm, and drove straight to the interview. Talk about crazy! Of course, on this day it was actually cloudy and rainy in LA! Not only did the weather suck, but LA people react to rain as if the world is ending, it is so foreign to them. So the drivers were panicky, but to make matters worse, all the highway exits but one were closed leaving the airport. What?! It took us 20 minutes to go .5 miles.

Talk about a nightmare. Eventually getting onto the highway, we faced tons of traffic. Eventually, we gave up and drove through the city. It was now 5:30pm. Rush hour, downtown, raining... there could not have been a worse combination to get to this interview. It took us an hour and a half to go 8 miles. We made it at 6:30pm. I wanted to cry I was so late, but the lack or time management for LAers worked with me on this because the executive was not free until I got there. Awesome.

The interview went well, and I really wanted it. I would be in charge of researching and putting together segment ideas for the show. I came up with about seven on my own and pitched it to them. Working on this show would be an amazing start because it combined my love for tv, with my EMT background, in a talk show where I would get a lot of responsibility with room to grow. I left feeling really good about it.

So today, the next day, I was on my way to the lot to drop off my thank you card for the executive, but she called me and said don't bother. They hired someone else who has more experience. However, they really liked me, I will be on the top of their list to hire throughout the season, I will go far in this industry, I am meant for daytime tv, yadda yadda yadda, and I should go buy myself some coffee. All I took from it was: I came second.

Sometimes I wish our childhood rhymes of "First is the worst, second is the best, and third is the one with the hairy chest" actually applied to real life. Second is not the best. It is just shy of the best. Just shy of an opportunity. Just shy of being employed.

I cannot wait to be first! To come first someday, oh how that will feel great! These last six months have been filled with so much competition, and I almost win. Almost. I just need to keep working hard for that finish! I think I will take what my brother said, and write down all my rejections and put them in a box. Collect them so when I do when the marathon, I can look at how many individual races I lost to build my endurance and eventually come first.

At least I can say I am making head way. I almost landed a dream start. Maybe this is a sign I am getting closer. I am still determined and focused. My race will come, and my finish will be great! Until then, I am still a close second.

Timing not with Me

As much as I am trying to remain calm, I realize that life's timing is just not meshing with mine lately. Even now, I am on the verge of buying a ticket to Orlando for tomorrow. What has brought this on? Well, my cousins who live behind me are going to Disney for two days (tues and wed). Basically, I want to spoil them!! How is it that I finally have some family come to visit, but I am not there?! ugh not fair!

Anyway, I was up to 12.30am last night texting my uncle about how much I can save him if I were to meet him on property and maingate him in the parks. My cousins have never been to Disney, and I couldn't think of going there without them. So for the last few hours, we have been looking at plane flights to get me down there for two days. I found some deals, but those deals would be if I left tomorrow but stayed for 10 days. As much as this is possible, I am not sure what I would do for the week after they left. I could work, do my projects, swim, read... I would definitely find a way to occupy my time. The only thing preventing me from pressing "purchase" is a mode of transportation.

I have been lucky enough to go to FL and always find a way around with friends or what have you. This time, it is such short notice, that it may not be possible. This realization is KILLING me. For the last few hours, I have been texting friends to borrow a bike if they had one. I was contemplating biking 14 miles to the parks to get where i needed to go. Hey, where there is a will there is a way. I just don't care how, I want it to work.

This is where I realize just how strongly I want to be down there. Last entry, I mentioned how I cannot get FL out of my head. I mean look at me! I am possibly going to buy a 10 day ticket, ride a bike miles and miles, just to get around and be with my cousins for 2 days! That's it, 48 hours to spoil them with what I know. So why did the decision or discussion of not getting there tomorrow make me so mad? I don't know! I think it is the fact that I actually have a chance to help someone out on their vacation, and I have the power to do that. I have the ability to help, but life's variables are too much.

Too much planning and last minute scheduling is going into this, more than is necessary. But I just cannot let go of the fact that they are down there and I am up here. I can save them over $500 bucks, but I have to be there; and I am not.

What hold does FL have on me? I know it is not where I will be forever, but it the only place where life makes sense to me. Being that I am not doing anything in NJ makes it hard not to think about being in FL.

Tonight while I was out to dinner, it was brought up that I wasn't in Florida because I didn't have a car. To me, that is the main reason why I left FL, and why I am not there now. I guess that was how my parents saw it. A heated discussion came up saying that I am not in FL because I knew I wasn't going to go anywhere with the job I had, could search for jobs at home, and go into the city and interview them. True, but I could do all of that in FL, while having things to occupy my time. Plus, how many interviews have I had: one. Where? NYC? Nope! Ironically enough... in Orlando! hahaha. So really, to me, one of the main reasons I am not there is because of the car, but it is so obvious I still want to be there.

I told my mom that not being at Disney when I finally have someone to visit me is really just bad timing, and it sucks. Timing in life is not meshing right now. Timing with a trip to FL, timing with finding a job, timing with moving out. LIFE! When will it click? I know this may sound a bit depressing, but hey, I am just getting so frustrated and restless. I cannot even make a trip to FL, which is like second nature to me by now, work without problems. If I cannot do that, then what can I control in life at the moment? What is left? ugh!

Okay, tune down the drama, got it. I just need to get that out. I wish I was there, for ten days or not. I wish I was there with family, friends, and sunshine. I know that I need to move to LA, and that is why I am now home. However, I am unsure that by moving to LA, if I will ever be able to let FL go. Not sure. I just hope to find a job where I feel I found my place again, where I have a purpose.

Now to buy those tickets or not?

Stifling Cage

This was a message I meant to send last night. It applies a bit to today, but I was a lot better. Just one of those nights...

Ugh! Tonight is just one of those nights that is just purely frustrating. It's not like anything bad has happened, but just an accumulation of all the small things. Everything from my parents not understanding me, not being allowed to say what I really want, and not getting anywhere. Plus, tonight is supposed to bring on Snowmaggedon -about 12 inches are expected for my area.

Anyway, I feel like there is not much keeping me from screaming on the top of my lungs. Just need the perfect area to do it. I was so excited earlier because my cousins are going to Orlando next week, and I really, really want to be there to spoil them. So now, I am trying to find every way to get me down there for those days. Not sure if it will happen.

One of the things that stresses me out most in life is money. I know it shouldn't, but it does. The fact I am not making any, but getting the pressure to start paying for things is super stressful. A family member wants me to start taking over my life insurance bills, despite the fact that she bought me that as a present. Is it fair to have me pay for my own present? I am grateful, but I just do not understand it at the moment.

So welcome to the real world jobless college grad! Here are some of the bills I know I need to start taking over: health insurance, car insurance, cell phone, life insurance, student loans, and debt to parents. That is all without moving out of the house yet. Soon, there will be rent, utilities, food, gas, and more on top of that. I hate knowing life is so expensive without going anywhere!!

I just feel soo... stifled. I want to be a person that is understood by those around me, be creative in a supportive environment, and just act the random, unique way I want to be. Unfortunately, that is not always understood by my parents. We have not even brought up my moving to LA plan yet. They are so busy, and not always here nowadays, so I cannot get my voice out.

For example, I was in the car with one of my parents, and a lime green utilities "sniper" truck was around. I commented on how it was like the Scooby Doo van, and we had such an awkward exchange of "what? I don't get it." Ugh, it wasn't that funny, but to repeat it 300 times defeats the point. That was one of three misunderstood comments just today.

I miss feeling young, I miss feeling extroverted. I miss feeling like the world is on my shoulders. I feel like I am getting into this closed-in, shrinking cage, and I am stifled. Stifled to be free, be myself, and be happy. Not sure how much more of this I can take. Best way to describe it is a "slingshot"; I am getting more and more force pulling back on me, that I feel I am about to shoot off extremely fast and conquer the world.

In fact, I added to one of my life's goals: Scream at the top of my lungs somewhere. Just need to find that place.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a lot better, but with so much snow coming and keeping us inside, I think it is just a physical symbol of how caged in a actually feel. I want to break free with the sunshine on my face!!

Okay, enough complaining. Just had to end a bad day. Until tomorrow...