A Breakthrough to Risk It All!

(written on Friday 10/15/10)

I heard back, and I have good news! I got the CONAN Internship!!!! YAYAYAYYAY!!

Okay, bringing it back down to earth. I got the internship!! I am sooo excited! This is a breakthrough for me. I have had my first yes in months! I am so excited. Did I say that already?

Breathe in.... breath out.... phew.... okay!

Now that my sanity is back, let me explain what this means. As many of you know, Conan O'Brian was kicked out of NBC last winter for some ridiculous reasons. He has not been on television since, but has signed a deal to start his own show on TBS. This new show, cleverly named, CONAN, will air on November 8th at 11pm.

Since Conan's disappearance, his popularity has skyrocketed. He is now one of the "untouchables" in Hollywood. His is being treated as if he is a movie star these days, and has such a huge following. Aside from that, working for him is even harder than talking to him. He brought over his staff from NYC when he moved to LA last year, so there have been few openings to work for him.

Now over the last 2 years, I have been applying to him in whichever way I could. I have been a Coco fan for years. He combines everything that I love: silly humor, great entertainment, variety of guests, live television audience, etc. Plus, I would watch him at night before I went to sleep in college. He is my entertainment when nothing else is on tv and I am always up at that hour. I never thought working for him would be possible.

BUT IT IS! His show is the beginning of something big. Even though he is not yet on the air, he will be around for years to come. He is not going anywhere; I am quite sure of that. For that reason alone, I am going to be taking a giant leap of faith and accept this internship. No brainer right? Well, this is going to cause a lot more extra work and struggle for me.

Internships are unpaid in this industry. Not only will I be working for free for 3 days a week for the show, I also need to get college credit. I need to prove I am a student in order to get this internship. So now, I need to enroll back into school (lose money), like a community college, in order for me to start. Back to school I go! (Isn't it funny? I am not qualified enough for an entry level job, but over qualified for an internship. Where is the middle ground?) Enrolling in a class will be my task for next week.

So aside from school credit, I also need to find another source of income to survive. I will need a job the other 4 days a week (say Thursday-Sunday) to pay rent, bills, gas, etc. Now what job will allow me to do that? I need to find a flexible part time job, and I am assuming it will not be in the industry. Perhaps waiting tables, babysitting, theme parks, etc. It is not ideal for me, but it is in hopes I will be getting in the industry soon.

I am also halting my job search for a bit. I am only going through with this internship, not because I need it ( I have 7 already), but because there is the slightest hope I may grow with the show. Conan is entering its first season, of hopefully many. I asked the girl I interviewed with if there was a possibility of me staying on full time, and she could not promise for there is always that chance of being cancelled. However, she was an intern three years ago, and now she is a producer for the Casting department. Do I need anymore proof?

In total, I will be risking it all for this internship. I will be risking my career job search, my savings to enroll in school, my chances of finding part time work to cover rent, everything I have come out here with, just for the smallest chance I can grow into the show. Crazy?!?!

I think I need a reality check! Still here. okay...

That is the story. That is my new direction: backwards! haha. Seriously though, I am going backwards to hopefully move forward for something that is practically my dream job. I think this is the smartest risk I am taking, but also the steepest. Everything is on the line because nothing is guaranteed. All or nothing. As my mom said, "No risk, no reward." I just hope it leads to reward and not ruin. I am taking it as the biggest investment of my career thus far. That is my approach to this internship.

It is strange to be leaving Disney for a while, but I am still seasonal in FL, so I am just leaving the Studios for a while. This is an answer to my prayers. I just pray I can find the income through odd jobs just to survive out here. I will worry about that next week. But for now... I want to take in this moment.

I am so scared, nervous, excited and anxious all at the same time. I will be the intern for CONAN! Not just the show, but specific to the Talent and Casting department! CRAZY! I will be dealing with all the celebrities, musical guests, talent, etc that you will see on the show. I will be interacting with the executives of this department, which I am sooo interested in. It could not have been a better department. The girls I will work with are really young and bubbly. They looked so happy working there. I just hope to be one of them some day.

For now, I may be the lowest on the totem pole, but hey, I will be there! So check it out everyone. Watch CONAN on Nov. 8th on TBS!!!

Normal vs. Extraordinary

(written on Tuesday 10/13/10)

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have superpowers? Or to have influence like Oprah to accomplish things? Have you ever wanted a "super" job? I have to all of the above.

I have been thinking a lot this week about success as most people do, and it has occurred to me, I do not want to be normal or average. I want to excel in all that I apply myself too; I want to achieve. No, I am not seeking fame or celebrity, but I am seeking the ability to influence others on a large scale. I seek the opportunity to be important to my family, community, and others beyond our boundaries. I wish for an extraordinary career.

Now, this may seem a bit cocky, and I assure you it is not. I am just putting my confidence out there for I want to be heard. There is nothing wrong with being normal in this world. It's just I want to stand out. I want to go beyond what is expected of myself. Maybe I am an overambitious girl, but I feel like all this ambition has no outlet. It has been kept inside for years, and no way out since I have not had the opportunity to apply it elsewhere but my imagination.

The other day, I was walking in a really nice Hollywood house. I drive by them a lot as well. It gets me thinking... is this at all possible for me? Will I ever be that successful to live the way I have dreamed? Is it in the cards for me?

That is why I love meeting and learning about those who are. I love talking to executives for that reason. I want to learn their journey to success. If they can do it, how am I any different? Just because I want something so badly does not mean I will ever get it.

When people ask me what my dream career is, I think of people like Jerry Bruckheimer, Don Hahn, Julie Andrews, and more. I know I will not be the next Jerry Bruckheimer, but I want to strive for a sliver of the amount of success he has had. I do not just want to be content with my own bubble. I want to inspire others, to lead them, to make them believe that they are better than they think, that we all have untapped potential to go anywhere in life. I want inspiration to be my superpower (aside from being invisible or flying of course).

To me, I want to become a successful television executive that has an eye for talent and powerful messages in my programming. I want to start a new idea that family entertainment is the strongest form of entertainment around. I want to push for political and social issues I believe in. I hope to one day make a public speech at a college or university for women or other students. I mean, I ran for student council President every single year since sixth grade and never won. I want to lead.

I am so driven by my idea of helping others and being successful in my career, that I have even started a "Future Wall" in my room. I want to visualize my future. Yes, I have some superficial things on there like Ralph Lauren clothing and a castle to own in France, but it also has strong women leaders, public speeches, a large family in a nice home, and donation to a charity taped on my wall.

Maybe I will never get here, but I at least want to say I tried to get there. I dreamt it, and I went for it. In fact, I may never get there. That thought has crossed my mind, and it is a slight reservation, but I am determined to make a life for myself and others. I want a life to look back upon and be proud and say I have done a lot, seen a lot, and meant a lot to others. It is not A-list celebrity I seek, but the financial means to contribute to all of my passions, interests and issues at heart. I want an extraordinary career in hopes that one day an intern will want to ask me, "How did you make it?"

I wonder what my explanation will be?

Weekly Dilemma... Smoothest or Hardest Course?

(written Wednesday 10/7- Sunday 10/10/10)

Alright, I have calmed down from my last post yesterday. Sorry, I just had to vent and this seemed a great platform to do so. How are you, my followers, doing? I hope you are all doing alright. The weather here is LA has been so strange lately. Always foggy, and not even around 70 degrees; just like Fall! YAY!

Well, like always, I have had a few thoughts running through my head this week, and I am not sure what to do. I have been struggling a bit over the last six months to find a job as you know. I seem to know a lot of people, and yet, nothing has landed. I know something will soon, but that is not the point. Throughout this process, I feel as if I have been open minded to where I land for the first job. Yes, I have an ideal start, but that is not the only thing I am pursuing. I have had interviews for all sorts of jobs, but lately, I have been thinking, maybe I am too picky? Have a been blind to what is right in front of me?

A few weeks ago, I gave a friend of mine a connection that led to a job. I acutally was able to give someone else a job. She was the second person I did that too. How am I able to help others but not myself? Funny, right? Well, I had an hour talk with her the other night about where she is currently working. She is working as a PA in an animation studio that does straight to DVD projects. She told me to not be picky and look into this. She absolutely loves her job, and the best part is: it's with Disney. She is so happy there. Her enthusiasm has made me second guess my process out here, hence my weekly dilemma.

Should I seriously consider working where I could have an easy in, even though it is not at all what I want to do, and still look for something else? Or, should I just work there, grin and bear it, and get experience knowing I will leave it soon? If I go to this department, would it be surrendering on pursuing my path for live television? Am I stupid for not going where I have this contact?

My arguement for taking it:

* It keeps me with Disney and making contacts, which is my ultimate goal for my career.

* I get production experience despite the medium

* Solves the "lack of experience" part of why I have not yet been hired

*Full benefits: health, dental, vision, and good salary

* Great influence and involvement in the creative process

Argument against:

* I love animation, but I am not into it as a career choice; I am one to push full force for what I want

* Once in animation, I hear it is hard to get out of it.

* Projects are years long, so I would be there for a while as a PA and not get other experiences

* I am not passionate at all about their projects

* Animation is all an office job, and I want to be moving around and not inside all day.

So what would you choose? I feel like I am walking a fine line and coming to a fork in the road. Do I take the unexpected and not really desired, but easily accessible, path? Or do I walk the unpredictable path in a direction I am unfamiliar with without knowing the promise it will take me to my desired destination? Am I closed minded for not wanting to take animation?

Depending on this decision, my job hunt will be severely affected. I am not bribed by money, or else this would be a simple choice, go with the animation job. However, I would not be true to my heart. In fact, I wrote an email referring another friend to my contact, and wrote a whole paragraph about how I would need a job too. I put the mouse on the "send" button, but I could not get myself to send it. I could not ask for a job in animation. I deleted the post and just referred my friend.

Is not pursuing that smart or stupid? Am I not logical for not taking it? I don't know, but one friend told me I am not that desperate yet, so I should keep going after what I want. I think I will take that advice for now. But that makes my wallet and stress a bit anxious!! I have been praying about this issue all week, but this is a hard one. I am just afraid of making the wrong decision.

Also, I have not heard from the temp agency since I last finished in Production over a month ago now. I am starting to feel the urgency of finding something soon. In fact, I applied to 24 jobs today. I hope to hear back from some of them soon. This unemployed game is really an emotional roller coaster! Plus being cursed with an over active/worried mind does not help my situation.

What are your thoughts? What path would you take? I hope your decision is as confident as I wish mine could be. I just feel at this point in time, I feel a calling for me beyond the animation/smoothest course path. I feel it is down the unpredictable one of live television with the hopes there will be something someday. Until then... I am trying to figure out my path. Enough thinking for tonight.

Night!

Second Place is Not the Best

(written Tuesday 10/5/10)

Once again, I have come second in another job offer. I was soooo close to it, I felt I had it! This was such a great opportunity, maybe it was too good to be true. It was as close to my dream start as I could get! Ugh, I am sooo....sooo.... I don't know. I feel like I should be mad, but it seems this is how life has gone lately. I shouldn't be surprised I got another rejection, but I am surprised it was so close to what I wanted. What makes it worse was that I came second. Not last, not 5th, but I was the next in line to get it. Just shy of first place. It's like I was out touched by a hair during a swimming race. Can anyone guess the reason? You bettcha! "I am not experienced enough!" Number of times I have heard that excuse: 285 (give or take a few.)

Let me back up and explain. I was in Orlando yesterday, and I had a 2pm flight leaving MCO to LAX. While I was at home last week, I got an email asking for an interview on Monday at 11am. There was no way I could make it because I was in Orlando. I asked for Tuesday, but if I did not come on Monday, I would no longer be considered a candidate. We arranged for a 6pm interview. The job was working on a television talk show as a booker/researcher. I will explain more in a minute.

So.... I left MCO at 2pm, flew into LAX at 4:35pm, and drove straight to the interview. Talk about crazy! Of course, on this day it was actually cloudy and rainy in LA! Not only did the weather suck, but LA people react to rain as if the world is ending, it is so foreign to them. So the drivers were panicky, but to make matters worse, all the highway exits but one were closed leaving the airport. What?! It took us 20 minutes to go .5 miles.

Talk about a nightmare. Eventually getting onto the highway, we faced tons of traffic. Eventually, we gave up and drove through the city. It was now 5:30pm. Rush hour, downtown, raining... there could not have been a worse combination to get to this interview. It took us an hour and a half to go 8 miles. We made it at 6:30pm. I wanted to cry I was so late, but the lack or time management for LAers worked with me on this because the executive was not free until I got there. Awesome.

The interview went well, and I really wanted it. I would be in charge of researching and putting together segment ideas for the show. I came up with about seven on my own and pitched it to them. Working on this show would be an amazing start because it combined my love for tv, with my EMT background, in a talk show where I would get a lot of responsibility with room to grow. I left feeling really good about it.

So today, the next day, I was on my way to the lot to drop off my thank you card for the executive, but she called me and said don't bother. They hired someone else who has more experience. However, they really liked me, I will be on the top of their list to hire throughout the season, I will go far in this industry, I am meant for daytime tv, yadda yadda yadda, and I should go buy myself some coffee. All I took from it was: I came second.

Sometimes I wish our childhood rhymes of "First is the worst, second is the best, and third is the one with the hairy chest" actually applied to real life. Second is not the best. It is just shy of the best. Just shy of an opportunity. Just shy of being employed.

I cannot wait to be first! To come first someday, oh how that will feel great! These last six months have been filled with so much competition, and I almost win. Almost. I just need to keep working hard for that finish! I think I will take what my brother said, and write down all my rejections and put them in a box. Collect them so when I do when the marathon, I can look at how many individual races I lost to build my endurance and eventually come first.

At least I can say I am making head way. I almost landed a dream start. Maybe this is a sign I am getting closer. I am still determined and focused. My race will come, and my finish will be great! Until then, I am still a close second.

One Moment: A Life-Changing Instant

I know this is late, but I mean to publish this on Friday, however, life's events got in the way. Let me explain.

This past week since my last entry, was one week of random events. Each of these random events were strong reminders to me that life can change on a moment's notice. All you need is one instananeous moment to change the very direction of your life. It seemed to come in good and bad forms for me this week. Nothing happened to me personally, it was affected by those around me.

One moment would be relating to a distant friend of mine whom I have only worked with for 2 months last fall. She was in a dreadful car accident that shattered her pelvis. For months, she is confined to the walls of her house, and the world of her family where she has to learn to walk again and stand. This accident, although 1.5 months ago, has made me realize that no one is able to predict the future. My friend's strength, courage and faith has been sooo inspiring to me, I do not wake up a day without praying for her recovery. I can only compare it to how I would handle it, I really don't think I could. It made me realize that I have to be so grateful for what I have and those around me.

The second moment related to my roommate. This past Wednesday night, my roommate got really sick and went to the hospital. Apparently, she had an unrepairable infected gall bladder, and had emergency surgery to remove it. I have been trying to take care of her as best I could over the last few days, but her mother flew in to do just that. Her incident was so fast to develop it blew my mind. All you need is that one moment for your life to change whether it is a week or months to your entire destiny.

There were also a few other events with friends throughout the country. One had a performed as Darth Maul in front of George Lucas, another got a phone call answering the prayer for a leadership position, etc. Personally, I have not been able to get the idea of an earthquake out of my head as they have been in my dreams the last few nights.

With all of these outside events happening around me, I have come to terms that life can/will change. All you need is one simple moment. That is it. Our very existence can come down to one split second. Depending on how you view the world, you can take this as pure positivity, meaning the world has so many possibilities that something miraculous can happen. Or, you can see it as purely negative: it is just a moment for your life to be ruined.

Personally, I would like to think I am the positive one. Although there seems to be more bad stuff than good in the world these days from crimes, accidents, you name it, there also seems to be tons of good: travel anywhere on a moment's notice, your big break, winning the lottery, finding your true love, etc. There can be so much that can happen.

What I am getting at is never underestimate the potential of your day to day life. Each day can become something amazing or something you never expected.

I will apply this to my temp job and every aspect of my life. I am waiting for my moment. My Big Break. I am praying for the day my current department says, "You're hired." I cannot wait to hear those words from anybody. The day I do, I think I will just cry tears of happiness.

By looking at how those who face hardships are so grateful and genuine, I have come to realize that my life, as sometimes boring as it can be, is actually amazing. I will take the cons of this position and make them positive. I cannot dweal and worry so much on the tiny details. While others are needing help to walk, I can at least walk into the Walt Disney Studios, as I have imagined in my room as a teenager, and say I am here. By seeing that perspective, my life is awesome.

I will take every moment of my day and fill it with something. I can never predict what is coming around the corner, but I sure hope that I remain grateful for my life, my friends, and my family. Only I can make it worthwhile... even on a moment's notice. I cannot wait for my moment to arrive.

A Generic Title

There really is not anything big I have to talk about in this post, so I have a title that reflects just that point. Deal with it, IKE!

It has been really quiet on the work front. Most of the execs are gone on vacation, and when they are gone, so are the assistants. I end up being the only one in my corner for half the day. I don't mind it, but it is a bit boring. However, this week, I am so physically exhausted despite my bosses not being here.

I have undertaken the task of cleaning out the entire supply closet. This was no easy feat. I knew two months ago, I would be the one to organize this massive monster of a project. It literally looked like the room was going to cave in on itself because nothing was put away, so it was all stacked on each other.

It took me all week to get through it, but about 3 bruised knuckles, 10 papercuts, 100 squats, 200 dead lifts later, I officially finished it today! YAY! The room was about 20x60 ft, basically a large rectangle. I had to go through all the supplies, some were over 15 years old, and decide to toss, donate or keep. I have touched so many dirty, jagged boxes, that my hands are all cracked from the dryness. There were some supplies I never knew existed in there such as typewriter label attachments or video cassette tape refills.

Anyway, that was my huge project this week, so I did not blog much on this or my other random blog, so I apologize. I actually wish I took before and after pictures of this project, because I am quite proud of the outcome.

This leads me to my next thought. I have always been a super strong organizer. If I had taken pictures of all the projects I have done, I would have a large portfolio. I always thought in my 30s I would start my own business, and it could be a bakery or, my new thought, a professional organizing service. Why not? I feel most productive when I am planning and organizing, not sitting at a computer, and being able to see the results of my work. I think it could happen!

So what I am going to try to do is make a flyer for my business and send it out to friends or small businesses and see if they need any personal re-organizing for a small fee. My plan would be not to charge until they see the improvements and are proud of my work. That way it is always making me honest to work my hardest. Thoughts? It could be a side of small income I guess. I am really serious about this too.

On a side note, I have been trying to go to the gym everyday. So far, I have gone everyday but one this week. I have attended my training session as well as the body workout classes. I really hope I can see a difference soon, but I know it takes time. In terms of my recent goal of weight loss, I thought I would have all 12 pounds gone by now, I only have four. I will just keep plugging away. I will be fit real soon.

Oh! Also a new update. I bought my ticket to Orlando a few weeks ago! I will be there from Oct 23-31st! I hope to get my seasonal hours done soon, plus I will be there during my favorite time of year. I cannot wait to see Mickey's Not so Scary! If you are in the area then, let me know, I want to see my friends again!

I guess the last update I have for you is... still no news on the job front. I have one interview on the 20th for Disney Toon Studios, but not sure if I really want it, and a call back for Dick Clark Productions, but they may not have budget yet to hire me. We will see. This position, the staff position, I interviewed for has not told me their results yet. I am temping until Sept 3rd, so that is all I can count on. I will let you know if anything changes.

My life for the last two weeks has literally been: wake up 9:25am, go to work 9:30am, work till 7pm, gym till 10:30ish, shower, eat, So You Think You Can Dance DVR, and bed.

That is it! I have a busy weekend coming up with my roommate's Feel Good Film Festival (check it out online...it's legit!), and a possible day at Disneyland on Sunday for a friend who is leaving town.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

A Change in Attitude...Again?

Aside from my money rant, I had a really good weekend. My friend Fernando was in town from Orlando, and he stayed with me. We had so many great times, I was sad to see him go. It felt great having someone come and visit you when you are far away from what you know.

One of the events that I was originally going to do with Fernando was an ABC promo taping on Saturday. He ended up not going, and I did; it was well worth it. ABC had invited me to attend a "fake red carpet" event they were filming to air as a 30 minute promo on the network this fall. I assume they were trying to highlight their comedies by having it look like there was an awards ceremony they were attending.

In reality, there was no awards session, but a red carpet set up of about 50 feet. Most of the actors you will see were extras or background workers dressed to look like celebrities. I was given the role to play "paparazzi reporter" on the media side of the carpet. I was given a notebook and a pen to make it look as if I were interviewing the stars as they stopped in front of me. I was stationed right behind the hosts' corner where Nancy O'Dell hosted with her male co-host Cameron (don't know last name). I am pretty sure you will be able to see me on this promo when it airs because I was so close the entire time to all the cameras.

This whole experience was a blast. I met some really cool people, such as Rodolfo, a fake celebrity who is actually a professional dancer from Cuba, or Ann Marie, a Disneyland CP hoping to break into the biz like myself.

What was great about the event, was I watched the people who put it on, and I asked everyone and anyone questions about how they got this gig. The extras told me I should join LA Casting or Central Casting if I am intersted in background work (which I am). I talked to Mr. "Look-a-like Tom Cruise" from England, who has made his career in look a likes.

Then we also talked to the host Cameron about his experiences. It is funny to me how people end up where they never thought they would. Cameron was a model who turned Soap Opera star, now hosting on live television. It occured to me, I want a career like that. I want to be able to do many projects and not have a necessarily straight path.

It also led me to realize that I do not want an office job. I must take them now, but eventually, I want to be on my own schedule and be active and around everywhere. If average people can do it, why can't I? Why can't I have the super career I was looking for? I was a bit down on Friday because I was really questioning whether this current temp position is something I want full time, and I realized on Saturday, it is.

Just because I am a Staff Assistant for a year does not mean I have carved only one path for myself. I can use it to make contacts, build my resume, allow me to have time to better myself physically, and do some side projects on the weekends. Then after this position, I may become something more than just a 1st assistant, like the girl before me and the girl before her, and actually have job with more responsibility. Maybe I have been looking at this the wrong way.

Also, I have never wanted to pursue acting or modeling in Hollywood because everyone does it. I hate being like everyone else, that is why I have resisted it. However, after Saturday, I was told over and over again I should at least try. They were right. I do not want to be a top model, but maybe try a catalogue model or hair model. If I ever had the talent to act, I would like to be an action actress or in a romantic comedy. But that is just a dream. But why could it not happen? I am in the epicenter of it all, so I should at least try once. Who knows what can happen from it.

So in all, the event on Saturday made me re-evaluate where I am. I am in a good spot for a job. It may be a lot lower on the totem pole than I want, but I can learn and grow from it. I now have the ambition to try other things like the hair modeling, but I need to get in shape first (hence the real reason/push for the gym). I also have the desire to prusue event production because I could see myself working behind the scenes under pressure during a live shoot, and I think I would be good at it.

I like this new perspective I gained, and it was really needed. Plus, it was also fun seeing some real celebrities on the red carpet like Patricia Heaton, Matthew Perry and the man who played Rev. Camedon on 7th Heaven. I love to look at them because they have made it. All of them are normal people, so if they can do it, why can't I? I feel reassured once again for at least a little bit, and I want to change my attitude in the way I see my definition as Staff Assistant. It is actually a great start.

Time and Choices

Time and Choices. They are simple concepts that truly dictate how we run our lives. I have been wondering a lot about these two words within the last few weeks. This is a post I have been meaning to write for the whole month of July, but I am just now getting to it.

Throughout this month, I have spent some unplanned time watching movies that deal a lot with traveling through time, or seeing the consequences of our actions. Movies I have seen this month include: Back to the Future 1 and 2, Pirates 1,2, and 3,Valley Girl, Hot Tub Time Machine, Titanic, She's Out of My League, and Enchanted. These films are so different, yet they all have a connecting thread: each of the characters make life-altering decisions based on their given circumstances (okay...maybe not Valley Girl, but still interesting).

Anyway, it got me to thinking, how much of my life is planned and how much of it is based on my individual decisions? I am not trying to get too deep into this philosophical arguement, but I have been trying to really see and understand if any of my choices for a job either send me on the wrong direction or the way to a grand career.

I am having some serious thoughts come up as I see this staff position is being pushed to hire as we speak. First of many, should I accept it if it is offered? If you asked me this question 2 months ago, I would have said, "Yes!" Now, I am starting to question if this is really for me. I am tired of being bored. I want to be used. It is meant for a year to year and a half, but by that time I will be 24.5 years old going on 25, and since I am not a first assistant, that would probably be my next job for 1.5 years, and then I will be 26.5 and just finishing being an assistant. Do I want that!? I feel like time is ticking, and I need a bigger position.

Secondly, do I go freelance or stay studio side? Freelance scares the bejeezus out of me because there is a lack of stability. Then on the other hand, there is the freedom of your schedule. I can pick and choose my projects, and I can do other things on the side. I am a well rounded person, and I do not just want to be defined by my work. I have other aspects of my life I want to pursue.

Next, I have had some offers with Reveille come and pass me by in terms of a job. I was asked to be considered for the Executive Producers' assistants as three of them were leaving within one week. I said no to the first for being unsure if reality television is where I want to be and also because it is the job from the underground. These execs are top profile and among top 10 reality producers in Hollywood. If I accepted, I would have no life, and you would never hear from me again for the year, probably, haha. So I said no, then I said yes I wanted to be considered for the other just to see what would happen. It turns out they said no to me because they want someone with agency experience, which I do not have.

Dispite all of these questions, there is still one that lingers on in my mind that bothers me the most -Do I choose television or film as my career path? I have been told by others I am too young to decide this decision, but I disagree. If I know this answer, then I can make a set career path for myself and go without feeling like I am wasting time or afraid to make the wrong decision. I have been meeting people in both the television and film world, and I am sooo intrigued by television, but I have ended up working in film. I don't know where to go from here, and this is freaking me out.

It may not sound like it, but I have calmed down considerably about worrying over every single aspect of my life, but I am still nervous about this whole move to LA. I am still scared I am not going to get to where I need to be if I do not start now.

How am I sure I will make the right decision? I think another reason why I am so antsy to get my first job done as soon as possible is because I still do not see myself staying in LA. How much time do I give it? I see all the execs who have lived here for 20+ years and never wanted to return home. I feel different than that. See, I love the weather, but I miss those most important to me, and I am not comfortable with the decision of settling in LA. So, I just don't want to take my time getting somewhere, because I feel rushed to get out.

Another point that needs to be made...last week Disney had some bad press published about a film we are having issues with. Well, it turns out the project will take some time off to fix things, which essentially means, the people on the film have lost their job until things pick back up. If I had gotten the assistant position I interviewed for in May, then I would be in that boat. I would be out of work for a month maybe more. Everything happens for a reason right? Now I am thankful that was not me and I have an office position.

So based on all of these choices, timing is everything. How dependent are we on these factors and how much of it is in our control? I was upset with not getting the assistant position, but now I am thankful, so was timing on my side or not? Timing is usually not on my side, for example, with the Reveille positions, and when pilots were hiring PAs and I missed the hiring period by a few weeks both last year and this year, and temping when offered an assistant position within my first week here. Does everything come down to timing and choices?

Which leads me to another point. I talked about how I wanted to be a doctor most of my childhood to a co-worker, and I admitted that by doing this staff position I am unsure if I am putting my best skills and strengths to use. My decision to not pursue medical school was a decision I made my senior year in high school. Was that the right decision? I hope so, but I will use that as a backup career plan I think.

Anyway, this post is long enough, so I will conclude here. This month has really had me on my toes about how every small decision affects another. There is still a lot of possibilties and unknown choices I know are coming, and I am ready. I just hope I make the right ones and I get to live the life I imagined for myself someday. But that too depends on timing and choices...

Some Changes This Way Come

So now that my update is done... I do have some issues I want to discuss. This post will be dedicated to the upcoming changes at work as well as personal life.

Working at the Studios has been an interesting experience. I won't say I am having fun, but I will say I am liking where I am. I have noticed within the last few weeks I have become situated with my position. I enjoy who I work for, who I work with, and how I can get good contacts for personal networking as well by meeting others on the floor. For the first time, I can see myself staying in this position for the year it would be used for. I have been thinking about it, and I have already been at the Studios for 4 months and it has gone fast, so what would be another 8-10 or so?

My only question is, would they hire me if I knew I was leaving in the year or so? Not sure, but based how I am getting used to the floor and getting compliments from my presence in the office, I think I am a really good candidate for staying as the Staff Assistant.

Speaking of which, HR approached me this week, and my position is now open on the internet for others to apply. I had no idea, so I know now they are really looking to fill this seat sooner rather than later. I have a feeling that this position will be filled by the end of the summer. So if you are interested, apply! I won't mind, honest.

I have noticed that with this position open again, the people around me have been pretty secretive about the process. I don't like how my relationship has to change for this, but oh well. I just want to be hired! So that is change number 1: the position is open and will be hiring sooner or later. I am prepared!

Change Number 2: I cannot tell you all of the details, but there is another position that opened up online that is a new positions because the "New Regime" is doing some executive shuffling with creating some new positions. It seems it will be an interesting shift.

Change #3: This is brand new as of today. I was called in for an interview for an exec assistant with another television production company. I will take it, but what if I get it? What to decide? I guess this is more of a change in choice.

Change #4: My relationship with one of my bosses is changing for the better in a professional manner. I guess he has gotten used to me, so he keeps teasing me about some of the crappy assignments he gives me. haha. At least I know he is comfortable with me as an assistant, and I feel that I can really work here.

Now here are some of the personal changes that I am trying to go through in my life.

1. Eat Better! I am trying to make it a good habit of eating fruits especially during the summer months here in LA. I have made it a point this week to eat yogurt with raisins and peanuts or eat cereal with raisins and bananas. For dinner tonight, I had my strawberries with brown sugar and yogurt with fruit again. I want to get healthier and this is one thing I can control.

2. I want to lose weight. I hate the feeling of getting out of shape or just gaining "flab". Although I am pretty well proportioned for being tall, I would say I am top heavy, meaning I gain the weight in my stomach area. This has always been my least favorite part of my body. I gain weight here, and I can never seem to lose it. I have set a goal for myself to lost 12 pounds in one month, but it may be by the end of the summer. I have weight to shed in my bulbous arms as stomach/hip area. It is not that I want to be skinny, but I want to look fit and toned. I have to do it, and only I can do it!

3. I need to exercise! I started running this week, except I did not do it today...oops. I have been running everyday last week up until Tuesday this week. It feels soo good, but then I have quickly lost it. I think I found a gym that I may join for 35 bucks a month with a pool and weights. Otherwise, I have been running about 2 or 3 miles around my neighborhood from 7:30ish for an hour. Come the winter, I know I cannot do this anymore, but for now, I am enjoying running in the summer heat at this time of twilight.

4. I finally bought boots! I now have a small change in clothing! I have been needing boots for over 2 years now, and I just bought 2 pairs at Charlotte Russe. Buy One pair and get a second for 10 bucks! I got a black and a brown pair.

I feel like with my new attention on how I present myself in clothes, my new makeup look, and now boots, I am finally accomplishing my New Years Resolution about bettering my appearance. Looking and feeling good. I got the look, now I need to feel it. Let's go exercise. I will try to wake up earlier in the mornings to run, but we will see how well that works.

Anyway, here's to the upcoming changes... Changes at work, personal, and family (quick recap: sis now at college, brother moving to NYC, parents becoming empty nesters), I guess things are looking brighter? Who knows, but it will be an interesting few weeks. Until then... goodnight!

Temping for a Temp

(written on 6/18)

I am going home tomorrow, which means it is the end of another week. I do not mean to have a gap between these entries, but honestly, the offices have not been that busy as I learn more about the floor each day. The production offices are in this transition of time because there are not many projects coming out and the “New Regime” has not said “yes” or greenlit anything as of yet.

However this week was a bit ridiculous for the fact that I am not going to be here at all next week. I am going home to NJ for the week to see my family for various events. This is where the lines and rules of being a temp are a bit hazy. Because I am a temp, does that mean I can take time off whenever I really need, or because I am working, I need to make sure I am there all the time and not ask for time off? It is not like I have vacation days. I am not sure, but at least I am going home! I am so excited I can barely contain it!

So this week… well, tonight was the longest night I had to work since I started. I was given the lovely task putting together a party for the floor for Monday, and it was Thursday. That was not the proper amount of time I thought I would need. Not only that, but I was given very few instructions about what was needed. I thought this would be a great opportunity since I have a passion for throwing themed parties and events.

Anyway, this afternoon, I had to pretty much put everything together. I left work to go to Target and get all of the various drinks, plates, silverware, decorations, etc. Then I ordered food from a local Mexican restaurant for Monday, and made sure I was able to get a catering service come in and give ice, serve, and rent receptacles. I have no idea what the budget was, but I tried my best to make it manageable. By the end of the day, I was sweating as I carried everything by myself and set it up as well. I just hope it comes together on time. Too bad I will not be there to celebrate it.

So aside from that mini adventure, I typed the instructions for my replacement temp, so he would know just how the office operates. It was the first time I was now the one needing replacing. It felt great! I gave him all the instructions of how the floor worked and his responsibilities. I showed myself just how much I have come within the last 2 weeks, and I am quite proud. I am adjusting fine and okay. I am proud. Of course I still have my insecurities about the future and what I want to do, but I will go home, leave LA behind and clear my head. It is amazing what a good week away will do.

I am so excited to see my family. I miss them so much. Not seeing them makes this move a lot harder, so I am thankful for the chance to go. I will let you know what happens. But for now, there is no place like home.

Change of Circumstance

(written for 6/2-6/4)

Today was my the end of my three day assignment covering the desk of the assistant to the exec in charge of Special Effects. I was not sure what to expect, but it been a relatively stress-free assignment. I would have written more, but not much happened.

The exec was actually away in Hawaii for the start of Pirates 4, which starts production next week. I just had to wait for calls to come in and relay the messages via email, but I think 2 people called a day. So I basically hung out in the office, and the exec was really nice. I think I did a good job.

It seems like P4 is under way nicely, but that is just what I have heard through the grapevine. I really follow Jerry Bruckheimer on Twitter, and he posts a lot of P4 scenery, so it looks beautiful.

Anyway, I do have more news to tell you though! This is a lot more exciting. Outside of work, this week has been really an emotional rollercoaster. I am so tried as I write this because I have had very little sleep.

Okay, so I will back up a few days to last week. I don’t think I mentioned, but while covering on of the desks I met the Unit Production Manager (UPM) for one of our upcoming shows, and he asked me all sorts of questions: where I’m from, what I’m doing, how long I’ve been here, etc… I didn’t think anything of it, and I have seen him every single day since then. However, on Wednesday, he called me and asked me to meet with him. He asked if I would be interested in interviewing for an assistant postion that would start next week for the line producer of the film. Of course I said yes!!

The interview happened yesterday, Thursday, and it went really, really well. It was more of a conversation than interview. The man was so happy, bubbly, and just really interesting. He has been in this industry for more than 25 years. I felt like I had a HUGE chance.

Then I found out that the girl I temped for interviewed for the same position, and it was down to me and her. I was so nervous that I would get I would get it based on availability, but she has the experience. I would feel terrible if I took it from her, but also happy for me. It was a emotionally torn situation. We were told they would choose that night, but did not. Basically, I could not sleep at all last night because I really wanted to position. It is a great opportunity and a way to make great contacts.

I came to work today, and waited for them to tell me the results…alllllll dayyyyy looooong. Finally right before the end of the day, the UPM talked to me and told me they went with the other girl, but he wanted to tell me in person. Since then, it has all worked out. I was really bummed for myself, because it is just another rejection on top of a really hard year. But also, I was really happy for the girl because she has been waiting for two years to move on, and she has the proper experience.

I was honored just to be considered. If I had not been temping last week, this would not have happened, none of these contacts, any of it. I am just really proud of myself because I feel like I am making headway, slowly but surely…

But that is not it! Because her job starts on Monday, they need to fill her spot. So guess who takes it? Me!! That’s right, I will now be perm temping until they fill the position. I was told that can be a month or up to a year. So I have no idea when I will not be working, but I am! It is not a hire, but I am definitely here to stay for a while. Basically, I am doing the same thing I did with Marketing but for Production, in the department I want to be in. How much more can I ask? I am doing it! So, Disney, I am here, like it or not. One thing I ask, can you hire me?

Haha, seriously. I am really proud of myself. Who knew that in 2.5 months I would be in Production? I know I want to be in more of the creative end of it, but this is a great starting place. If I have this for up to a year, then I won’t need to be hired for that position, I can move up and on. So, as for now, I am the permanent Temp Staff Assistant for Walt Disney Pictures Motion Pictures Physical Production. Yea? Yea!

I look forward to what has to come, the adjustment to a whole new department, and the involvement on the upcoming films and projects as we enter a new regime of leadership within the company. Things can only move up. Plus, I don’t have to intern anymore, or at least for a while! Extra Bonus!

Plus (what more can there be right?), one of my best friends from high school has decided to visit LA for a few days. So I am going to pick her up in a few, and then drive to OC tonight. Big day tomorrow…even though it is the weekend…I don’t stop.

End of rollercoaster ride…for now. I think I am a bit dizzy.

Needed: Emergency Temp!

(written on 5/19/10)

Wow, you would not believe what has happened today, and it feels so good! I still cannot believe it! After being down on my luck yesterday after that hard realization, I think God reached out to me and changed my luck. I was called in this morning to an emergency temp coverage for a girl I met over a month ago.

Let me back up. I got in contact with this girl from a former M&G contact in the talent department who forwarded me her information. We met for lunch one afternoon, and we realized just how similar we are. Both tall, blonde haired girl with blue eyes, a passion for Disney, and who were both Tourguides for the Theme Parks (I was WDW as she was DLR). We have the same story with the same ambitions, just that she is graduated in 2008 and has had her position for almost 2 years.

She is the Staff Assistant to the Physical Production offices for Walt Disney Pictures. :) In short, she carries the hats of multiple roles for the department. First, she serves as the 2nd assistant to two different executives: the EVP and SVP of Physical Production. Second, she is also the floor "kitchen keeper" and assistant to the productions on the floor.

I am not sure if I told you, but most of my Meet & Greets over the last two months have been on the same floor of one of the lot buildings. This floor carries the execs for Physical Production, meaning the logistical side of production like budgets, travel, schedules, post production, etc (the "non-creative" side). But not just those execs are there, but the production offices for the new films starting or currently in production. Usually, there are about 3-4 films located on this floor at all times. So to me, this floor is exactly where I need to be!

Therefore, when I received the call to come in for the girl for just the day, of course I said, "yes!".

It turns out that the executives I was working for, were some I had made plans in the upcoming weeks to meet with, so this was perfect! I was able to talk to them while temp and get paid! The day went pretty well, I did not need to cover much but answer phones, send some emails, and make paper deliveries around the floor. I could not believe at all that I was here. I just wanted it to last.

Although this floor is very corporate, meaning white walls, cubicles everywhere, and silent hallways, I felt like I could see myself here for a while. The people were nice for the most part, but all are so busy I could not really sit and chat with many. The funny thing was I am constantly being called by the girl's name because people think we look identical. Ironically enough, that is also my sister's name.

The day came and went, and by the end of it, I had a nice surprise. The girl will be going out of town for three days before Memorial Weekend next weekend, and they want to request me to cover. YES! OF COURSE! So starting next Wednesday, I will be back! I am on cloud nine. Then on top of that, I am invited to her themed 1940s party on Friday! Awesome!

So to treat myself and get ready for the party, I went to H&M, and had my first ever shopping spree! If you know me, you know I am not one to shop, but I do enjoy my summer dresses. H&M was perfect for this 1940s party, I bought about 10 pieces of clothing for it, knowing that i could wear all of it currently. I spent more than I wanted too, but for the first time, instead of freaking out about it, I could actually afford it! Is this what making money feels like? If so, I love this feeling.

Part of me misses those WDW minimum wage, penny-pinching days, but I will enjoy making and saving what I can, because this economy has taught me that it all can change in a second.

To that... I had a great day today! One of the best. I look forward to next week for work, and tomorrow for DLR because my friend from FL is in town! Until then...goodnight!

A Look Back: A Year in Retrospect

So I just realized today is my One Year Anniversary from when I graduated from Boston University. I cannot believe how fast this day has come. I mean, it was slow when I lived it day by day, but it does not feel I have come to this monumental point quite yet. I always thought this day would be filled with happiness or accomplishment, but I am actaully surprised at my reaction. I am perplexed and indifferent.

I have been dreading this moment for quite sometime within the last few months because it marks one of unachieved goals. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot that I am happy for: a healthy family, strong friendships, moving out west to pursue my career, finding some work... list goes on.

However, I cannot help and also look at what I have failed to accomplish during this time. I remember a talk I had with a great friend of mine in FL who graduated a year before I did. When he hit his year anniversary last year, he was in a similar boat and we analyzed his life, where he was, and where he thought he would be. He found some of what he was looking for, but I remember thinking I would have accomplished more when my year anniversary comes around. Wrong! I am far from it. Let me explain...

A little over a year ago, I was completing my 6th internship, and applying for as many jobs as possible. I have been whole-heartedly applying for full time positions since February 2009. By the time graduation came around, I still had nada. I had several promising leads that I would have to wait out for till the end of the summer. So I did. I moved to Orlando, and made money to support my future move wherever the job came from. August came and went, and the leads I had fell through. I was devastated! Since then, I have been feeling the pressure to get started with my career.

At this time last year, I knew I didn't have a job, but I was exploring all my possibilities. I was actually relieved I was not hired out of college. Ideally, if God would grant it, I wanted a year off as my "gap year" between school and work. I wanted to travel! So I was exploring working on a cruise line for 6 months with a friend, and I also dedicated myself to work abroad as an intern. I had a lead to work in London in the Fall on the Harry Potter set, but that also fell through.

Let's just say. This has been a year of a lot of rejection. I promised myself a year ago, I would travel in the spring of 2010. I thought I would go on a month trip through Europe and see all of the places I have wanted to see for so long. Well that quickly went out the door because I knew I would not be able to move out if I traveled. I have postponed my dream of living abroad for a while, and that was really hard to admit, and a blow to my pride.

While this was happening, I was in Orlando working at Walt Disney World, and that soon became harder for me too. I was forced out of my work area of 3 years in July for BS reasons and poor management, moved to the water park, boat marina, and I felt I was losing my potential as a person. As a driven and ambitious person, I could not take the feeling of being unproductive anymore. Then in December, my grandfather, who lives down the street from me, passed away. That devastated me, and it forced me to move back home to NJ.

I stayed there for three months feeling like I failed, and I had to get out So I bought my ticket and made the move. The move has not been unbearable, but it has had its challenges and definite ups and downs.

I did not ask to graduate in the WORST economy ever, that just happened. On top of having some personal losses, I have also had a very challenging year in my faith. I have been shakin' and stirred in what feels like a tornado sometimes.

Now over 250 job applications later (no joke), and 4 written and re-written resumes, I still find myself in the same position: unemployed. I look back at the year, and I am sad to know that I did not do the traveling I wanted, I did not really accomplish my basic goals. I thought I would be a year into being an assistant at a production company or a television show, havig found my social scene, and really enjoying the greatness of life. I have however, had my "gap year", but not by choice.

Now that the next year of graduates are entering the work force, I have more competition. I feel that I am starting with the same circumstances as they. I did not think this was where I was going to be a year later. In ways, I feel really behind, in others I don't. I know my career is a marathon, not a sprint, but I just want to get started already, and I feel time and pressure ticking.

Yes, I have only been out here for 2 months yesterday, and it takes 3 months to find on average your fist job, but it has been ONE YEAR! Out of all of this, my greatest lession is learning patience. I am also learning a new definition of faith, as I have done the ins and outs of soul searching. Maybe that was how I will define this year: complete Soul Searching.

Anyway, I am here. I am alive. I have graduated, and I have moved to LA. That is where I am and I will deal with those circumstances. I look forward to this next year, but if I have learned anything, that is: I have no idea where I will end up. I just hope it's up!

Finding My Niche?

So this weekend (5/15-5/16), I felt as if I may be finding LA to be a little bit more comfortable. Is it that I am slowly adjusting? Perhaps, but I would like to think of it as, I am closer to finding my niche.

First, Thursday and Friday afternoon, I went to the tapings of the new Disney XD show premiering in September, Pair of Kings, and Suite Life on Deck respectively. I must say, I really loved seeing these shows come together. I was just an audience member, but I got the tickets through a contact. It made me think more about pursuing a career in Television on an actual show/set. I watched the interaction of the actors and the crew between and during takes, and I felt the urge of "that's where I want to be." I want to be involved in a team environment with a specific role. The live action was great. I think I want to pursue live action over animation, but that does not mean I like animation any less.

The crews, although both really different for each show, both worked well together, and you can tell they love their jobs. Pair of Kings was actually really funny, and I think that will do well. I understand these shows are for kids, but adults were in the audience too, and all enjoyed it. That's what I want to be a part of, an industry that brings the family together, even if just for a moment. It unites us. Okay, sorry for the corniness, but I am happy to be finding a new direction for me.

What I want is tangible and definitely do able, but I just have to find out how. I want to make it a goal within the next two weeks to find a contact within these shows and meet with them. I would love to be a PA (prod. assistant) if they are hiring. I should take advantage of the fact it is pilot season in the industry, meaning they are assembling crew this summer to film the series, so they should be looking for new hires. I have been so focused on film at disney, I now need to brach out and fast. I hope something will come of that. I just love the fact I have found a possible new direction.

Then on both Saturday and Sunday, I played beach volleyball. I am trying hard to find a team/league to play on. I found some people who just like to play for the heck of it on Saturday afternoons. It is fun, but I am looking for something more. When I am there, I cannot deny how good it feels to be on the beach court again.

Sunday happened yesterday, and it was a lot better than Saturday. Despite gloomy beach weather this weekend, Santa Monica was still perfect. I found a team from an online site saying they were more competitive, which they were, but still filled with beginners. I thought because I am new to the Beach Vball world, I would not be that good, but from them, I was still one of their top players. I did play a 2v2 game, and that was the best! It was soooo hard because I was not used to it, and man is it a workout!! Now I see why those women are so buff! At the end of the afternoon, the better half of the players stayed and played and intense 4v4. It felt so good to finally get some great rallies and plays!

I cannot help but want to compete. Volleyball has never been a recreational activity for me, it has defined my identity as an athlete, and always been a serious competition. I played in high school and college to win. So to switch the competitive side off, it is not possible. Recreational league is hard to sit and take when I want to win and everyone else goofs off.

This makes me realize, I want to compete. I want to be in tournaments with a partner and strive to win. I can sign up for the CBVA, California Beach Volleyball Association, but I need a partner. I hope to find one soon. Any idea on how to get one? I'm open for suggestions. I will wait for my sister, but that will take 4 or 5 years. ugh. Come on, Casey!

So now I know I want to be an athlete again as a serious hobby, I see that I may be starting to find my niche. Even-though I have not found the people I want to be near, that will come once I dedicate myself to the activity. One of my favorite parts of yesterday was looking around the beach court, seeing the palm trees, good looking people all around on the courts, bike riding, and roller-skating. It was a very big, "pinch me" moment, because I was actually playing hard on my sport, outside, with people, in Santa Monica! Now, that is awesome! That could be my life, or is it already? I think I found one big aspect I love about living in LA.

With 2 show tapings, and 7 hours of volleyball later, I am feeling my guard coming down little by little, adjusting a tiny bit more each day, and finding what I really want to pursue with intent. I hope I find it, but I think I am slowly finding my niche.

Getting Antsy... What is my Path?

I am finally caught up on my blog and up to the current day!! This is a big accomplishment! Well done, Ashley! I just hope I can stay on top of it again.

Okay, so I am writing this as I am sitting behind my desk at work temping, and I am finding it soooo hard to concentrate on the computer screen. I am getting so antsy just by sitting here, I cannot sit still. I have so much energy, and all I want to do is walk around the office and get outside. Instead, I am in the lower level (considered the basement), with no windows and no way out. It is a gorgeous 80 degrees today, and I cannot even tell if it were night or day outside. I feel soo couped up and stifled in here. I want to be outside! I want to be productive.

For years now, all I have ever wanted is to be a part of the Disney Studios, in some capacity, in the offices, hoping to work towards becoming a Studio Executive. Now, a lot of that has been coming into question.

That has been my sole goal for many years now, and look, I am in the right spot. I am so proud of myself. But as I am doing these temp jobs, I am starting to learn a lot about the business and the possible careers with Disney or another company. I have come to learn, there are so many paths, and I am not sure which one is meant for me.

In Hollywood, to become a producer, there are 2 types of paths, either as a Production Assistant on set or an Executive Assistant in the offices. I have wanted to do the executive assistant path, because the administrative work involves all of my strengths from organization, multi-tasking, detail orientation, etc. It seemed the most logical, and that is what I have been pushing for with these temp positions and meet and greets.

However, now, I am completely switching my perspectives. I miss being creative sooo much, and being an assistant has none of that. There is nothing creative. I hate sitting in front of the computer screen all day, and as you can tell, I get so antsy I start to freak out. I just want to walk around and be outside. I love talking to people, but talking to them via the phone and computer/emails are not my idea of meeting and being social. Then when I come home at the end of the day, the last thing I want is to be on the computer, which is why my blogging has dramatically decreased.

It is so weird to me to question whether or not an office job is meant for me, because that is all I have ever wanted for so long, and now that I am in it, I want out of it. Is there a way to be outside or active with my job in production but still have the job stability? That is another reason I wanted to be a studio executive, jobs are stable. If you are on a set, you just have to go from project to project not knowing if it is your last.

In all, I am really questioning whether the office is for me. I look back and I see that this is just another way working at WDW has changed me. I was outside working for 8 months, to now be inside all the time. I miss the activity, the interaction with people. If I had stayed with my childhood goal of being a doctor, I would have had the no office and physical aspect I like. Interesting.

It seems like I should work back in the theme parks, but I don't want too as a career unless it is through production. At this point, I just miss the way I felt when I was active in my day, and not sitting in a chair. 9-6 has never felt so long and daunting before, and those are not even hard hours! I look forward to the days that are busy and fast.

It is good that I am learning this about myself, but it makes it harder to find a job that I want here in LA. All the people I know are office people, not project/set members. How do I even get there now?

That brings up my next set of points. I am even starting to question what path to take in regards to a career. Like I said, I always wanted Disney Studios, studio film producer, but now I am still not sure.

I am really missing the pace of television. I love the over turning of projects, the length of a season, the hiatus of the summer, and more. When I interned on a previous talk show, I felt like I was in more of the right place at the right time. So now, I am starting to think that Television is where I want to go.

But do I want to do family entertainment, like Disney Channel, or more talk? Disney is great, but I am realizing how political it is to move somewhere. A lot of the secretaries have been there for 2+ years, and are finding it hard to move up. Is that my fate? I do not want to be on an entry level position for so long that I get stuck, and in such a large company, there are many ways to get stuck.

Talk is still great television, and it one of my favorite genres. I have always wanted to host a tv show as a secret fantasy, but now, I would love to do that for a job. I love segment producing, which is creating the 5-10 minute "chapters" or topic of discussion during the show's broadcast. I really want to get my hands on developing what goes on the tv screen. I have said it before, if I were to work in NYC, I would love to work for Today or GMA. That is talk without being too journalistic. I know I am not meant for journalism, but I believe in being a reliable show that can still provide great entertainment.

I also love late night comedy. I am so bummed Conan is not on NBC anymore, as I applied over 10 times to that show. Knowing his return to TBS will be remarkable, I would love the chance to work on his show too. Jimmy Kimmel is also another good show. I would love to be in the production of that talk format as well.

So aside from my possible talk path, I was also thinking about TV Event production. When I was in NZ last year, I interned on their Music Awards, which was like their version of the Grammy's. I realized at the actual night how I felt like I was in the absolute right place and the right time. I loved seeing the whole event come together, and I have not felt that feeling again.

Which has got me to thinking, what if I were to pursue producing events like the Grammy's, Emmy's, Oscars, Golden Globes, Kids Choice Awards, etc. I love that development because you are dealing with live tv, and you have an absolute make-it or break-it deadline. I love the intensity of that behind-the-scenes show. I have no idea where to even start to look to get involved in that.

One other path I have been recently considering is Script Supervisor. That person is all about the details of the script to how it was shot on camera. For example, if the screen calls for the actor to wave their hand, the Script Sup. makes sure that for each take the actor continues to wave with the same hand. They follow was it the right or left? were the fingers straight or curled? Were there bracelets or a watch on the wrist? That is the person who is in charge of set continuity throughout the project. It seems great, especially for my meticulous nature, but I don't like how there is not a position you can continue to move up and grow in. Once you are a script supervisor, you cannot really be promoted except onto a larger project.

Even if I follow that path, event production or talk, it means that I may not be able to be with Disney. I will not be involved like I have always imagined. There is a possibility to stay with ABC or ESPN, but these shows are not directly involved with them. The fact that I may not want what I have always wanted scares me. Am I maturing, growing, or failing and being more confused than ever?

What is my path? Where am I meant to go? These questions still linger and will have no end. I do have a starting place though. Starting next week, when my temp position is over, I will make it my week goal to reach out to those involved in my favorite shows, send resumes, and see if there is a way I can become a Production Assistant on a particular show. It seems I have some re-evaluation to do. Oh life... so confusing, nothing is simple anymore.

I feel like Pocahontas asking to Grandmother Willow, "What is my path? How am I ever going to find it?" Just listen. I am listening to my heart, my instincts, and trying to listen to God as well, but they are all hard to hear at the moment. Hoping it will all become clear soon.

Okay, it is almost lunch... I cannot wait to get out of this office and eat outside. I am even surprised I concentrated this long to type this entry, but then again, my foot is tapping wildly as if it is having an epileptic seizure as I type. okay, until next time! Bye!

Worst Day Ever

(written 4.19.10)

I am starting to look back at these posts and I realize I am coming across as almost bipolar. I am sorry to those of you who read this, not sure why you would, but to inform you, I am not bipolar. I just have some really good days and then some really bad ones. I tell you how I see it, feel it, and how it is.

Today, unfortunately was one of the worst. I will leave out the details for confidential reasons, but let's just say, it was not a good day. I know this is LA, and this happens all the time, and for goodness sake, this is just a temp position. But still, it still hurt. I did not see my last day coming to an end like that. I thought for sure it would have been better.

I called my parents to tell them how upset I was and how awful my day was. The tears finally flowed. I felt like such an idiot. I can handle this, I can be tough, but at that moment, i felt anything but.

I know this week will get better, and that time will tell where I go next. I know, too, that this was a blessing in disguise because I was truly not meant to be there full time. Everything happens for a reason, and I need to trust that. I need to trust God, and this is a trying moment for me.

I gave God my future out here, and I know this all must be part of the plan, but it is so hard to trust the unknown. I am scared, and I feel so inadequate. I don't want this obstacle to change me or lead me to questioning the dream out here, but it is hard to stay positive today.

Why did I come out here? I don't have much to fall back on. More than anything, I want my family here to hug me and tell me it is alright. Where did I go wrong? Is this dream worth it? Is this idea I have of my life worth leaving my friends and family for over 3000 miles to work towards? Why can I not just be happy by living at home? I am never satisfied. When I am at home, I want to be somewhere else. When I am in FL, I know I am leaving and work there is not enough. When I am in LA, I want to be home. What am I not content with where I am!? Why?!

Why is it for every step forward I feel there is another leap back? I do not want to second guess myself or my abilities, but it is really hard not too right now. Am I that inadequate I lasted a month? Are my dreams bigger than what I can actually achieve? Why is it that I am never content?

I will stop with the self pity, but today just escalated these doubts that have been on my mind anyway. Randy Pausch, of the Last Lecture, summarizes it perfectly, "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough." Is this really what I want? I am trying hard to penetrate this wall of the Studios, and I look forward to when it breaks.I know I will come out stronger and laugh at this, but right now it is not that funny.

The only humor I could find with this situation, is that it actually parallels Conan's late-night Jay Leno/NBC situation. Think about it...

- I take over a new role for someone who wasn't working out and going on to something new.
- I was told I would be there for a longer period of time.
- Then suddenly, due to "business" reasons, I am being let go early.
- Not only that, but the person to fill my spot was the original person who held this position (like Jay coming back for 11:30).
- In the end, I have to leave the company all together in hopes of finding another path.

Does that make sense? I feel you Conan!

Right now, everything seems so confusing and cloudy, but I hope it will one day become clear. Until then, I will leave you with Randy Pausch's quote, which perfectly summarizes the situation. I am leaving here with experience, so I have not failed. To that I am completely grateful. Sorry for the downtrodden entry, but I had to get it out.

"Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted." -Randy Pausch

The Biggest Let Down

This was written on Monday and Tuesday 4/12 and 4/13th. Not published until now for when the blog was in chronological order...

The Biggest Letdown

Today can go down as the worst day since I got here. I did not even see this coming. I feel so upset, angry, disappointed, everything. I feel like my plan just came to a screeching halt, and there is nothing I can do about it! Where did I go wrong?

"What happened," you ask? Well, I will just get straight to it. I was let go. I have not even had it yet for a month! 3 weeks! How embarrassing. I am so embarrassed that I did could not even call my parents and tell them. Who loses their job after 3 measly weeks? This will definitely go down in the record books! Am I just supposed to sit there and take it, or can I stand up for myself? I just took it and said I understood that she was looking for more experience, but I had no idea that she would be cutting me off within the week! I still have 2.5 months left. What about June!?

I left work with my head held high, and tried not to cry. It was so hard to stay professional when all I wanted to do was scream and run into solitude. I feel like I have been hit by a large anvil that is crushing me from the weight. Is this what it feels like to have your heart broken? If so, I never want to experience this again.

All I want to do tonight is curl up in a ball and cry. I feel like I have completely and utterly failed. I have let myself down, my family down, and my co-workers down. But what is worst of all is, I have no idea where I went wrong! I can tell you it was not based on performance, but the rest is confidential.

I know this is LA, and this is the business, but I feel like I am just getting started. I was just gaining momentum in networking, in trying to accomplish my goal to get on Pirates 4, but now, that momentum has come to a screeching halt. I feel like I just got my feet warm and was about to dive in, but now the chance has ended. I hate the feeling that I didn't have time to prove myself, I did not have time to live up to my potential. With that concept, I feel like I failed.

I know I should not second guess myself and why I came out here, because that will not change anything, but it is hard not to look back and wonder. This is definitely making me question my dream, but I don't even want to go that far into it. It is just too painful. Some of the questions that arise from that are: "Am I meant for this?", "What made me think I could do this?", "Are my dreams bigger than what is actually possible?" I won't explore those thoughts now, but they are definitely coming.

Maybe I am being to sorry for myself, but I cannot help but feel really disappointed. Is this one of those life tests to see if I can make it in the real world? If so, I don't like it, but I know I will be okay... eventually. I will take this last week at work, and work it really hard in networking and getting contacts. That will be my new goal. I have to stay focused on the task at hand, and accomplish what I came here to do. I will take this and run with it.

Who knows, maybe I do not see it now, but this could be a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason, right? Right, God?! I think this is just another one of those tests not just in life, but in faith. That is another entry, though. Let's just say I am not looking forward to my last day, which is now 2.5 months early.

okay, I am going to go try and eat dinner. Goodnight.

One Small Step at a Time

So I am taking you back to my first week or two in LA (dates 3/22-3/26/10) This is what I felt and what I wrote. Take it as you will. Sorry for the length ahead of time...

Small Steps, Small Questions

The next chapter has begun, and I am taking it slowly day by day. I have now been working for a week at the Walt Disney Studios, and it has gone by so fast. Sometimes, I feel like I am on top of the world and nothing can stop me, and others, I feel completely inadequate for the smallest tasks.

Making this move to LA, I have realized I have to approach it completely different than I have any other move. I actually have to take it day by day, and adjust slowly rather than dive into it and expect things to happen automatically. All my previous moves throughout the country were different than this move, I had family, or I had provided roommates and an environment with limited time experiences (semesters at school, abroad or WDW). This, unlike the others, has no "end date" and no given set of circumstances, I must make it on my own. So in order to get myself situated, I need to take my time and build my own world around me slowly and surely.

"Slowly and surely." I feel that has been my motto for everything that I say or do lately. At work, I say it for when people ask, "How are you adjusting?" or "How is is going?" I even say it to myself when I start to feel things click and I understand something new for the first time. It is a lot like that feeling in Math class when you are given a new equation and you finally "get it" and are able to solve the problem. It is with those small "clicks" I feel I am able to start adjusting.

I am trying to adjust to one new thing at a time. Right now, it is adjusting to the new work environment. Next week, it will be adjusting to the roads, and trying to find an apartment to move into. Then the week after that, I will move in, and then I can start looking for recreational activities, like joining a volleyball team. As you can see, it is one new aspect at a time. I cannot push it any faster than that. "Slowly but surely," I will make my adjustments.

However, as of now, I feel like it is coming along. I have not been able to blog at all because my life has become so regimented this week. Here is my routine: Wake 6am, leave for work 6:30am, arrive near 9am, work till 6:30pm, drive back through traffic, end back at family's house near 8:30pm, talk to family, dinner @ 9:15, ready for bed, in bed at 10:30pm, start all over!

For those of you who know me, I am NOT an early to bed, early to rise, but when I come back from work, I am sooo exhausted, by 9pm I can barely stay awake. I have not felt this tired in a really long time. I had no idea that sitting down all day would exhaust me that much. I think more so right now, I am more mentally exhausted, as I am trying to adjust to a lot of things. I know once I get the routine, it will be better. But the low point is the 2 hour commute through bad traffic, but for some reason, I feel strangely independent and grown up being a part of the adult commute. So, I actually do not mind it all the time. It's towards the 2+ hour mark when I get antsy to get out of the car.

Anyway, that was a tangent. I just wanted to talk about how work is going mainly, since that is what i came out here to do. Well, it is going really well. I think as some of you know, when you first meet me, I am really reserved and a bit shy, especially if I have the pressure of trying to impress someone in a professional environment. I am not naturally loud, and as I get used to the group dynamic, then I become more outgoing. That is where I am now. I am the most quiet of the group, but they are all nice. I want to make sure that I am understanding everything they tell me, and I do it correctly. So far, I am doing pretty well I think.

I am jumping right on into it. On my first day, I started planning meetings, organized the travel itineraries and "manned the phones." My boss' desk is quite busy, that's fine, but the part that I feel most insecure about is all the small tiny questions I need to ask regarding the small details I do not know.

For example, I do not know who the assistants are to what executives, I do not know who is priority person to talk to or meet with when 5 other people are trying to schedule a meeting at the same time. I do not know simple things, like the UPS packaging process as it is different for each company or the extensions to offices, where the copy machine is... the list goes on. The hardest part is not knowing who people are. I am now keeping a cheat sheet of what assistants go to what executives, and who does what. That I know will take time, and my boss will need patience with me as I also need it with myself.

Luckily, I have been well received by the other folks within the company. I am so surprised on how friendly everyone is here, which is not what I was expecting of LA. I have found an ally or two to ask the smallest questions, such as "what is the copier password? The fax number? Where is the kitchen? Supply room? How do you change this on the calendar?" etc...

I love the people I work with on the floor. I am neighboring the offices that create the billboards, ads, and movie posters for all of the Disney films coming out. Then on my other side, I have the guys who make and edit the movie trailers. So lately, I have heard the Sorcerer's Apprentice trailer and Miley Cyrus' Last Song trailer about 200 times. Although I am not doing anything creative yet, I am around people who are, and it is wonderful! I love the energy of the company and the work environment.

Like I said, there are days where I feel on top of the world and I cannot stop smiling walking in the Halls of Giants, but then there are others where I really feel out of place not knowing the necessary details; which is why, I need to take this adjustment one step at a time. Starting with the small questions, small "clicks", to small achievements. I look forward to what is coming next week. Until then, I hope everyone else at home is doing well! Miss you all.