Adolescent 20s?

(written May 8^th)

A few days have past since I lost my “job”, and I am feeling a lot better. I am nowhere near healed and upbeat, but I am starting to get out of my depressing state of mind. I am sorry to all who so that side of me, especially Chris and those at BJs.

I know I can only grow from this experience and become stronger. I told me family that being out here has really made me learn a lot about myself. In some cases, especially now, I feel like I am weaker than I originally thought. I thought I could handle being out here and thought I could break in the industry by now. However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that is the wrong way to thing about things.

Taking a step back from the situation, I can see that I am actually a lot stronger than I thought I was. I have been out here for over a year without work, and somehow able to survive. It may not be pretty being a host at a restaurant, but I have been able to make it work. I have stood up for myself in several occasions within the last week, and I can finally say I have developed that “thick skin” everyone talks about.

If there is anything I have learned this week, it is that I am no longer going to put up with crap! I don’t want to admit I am a pushover, but I do let others take advantage of me. NO MORE! This last week has triggered something inside me that is refusing to put up with more crap than I already have to being out here. I am now going to raise my opinions, say what’s on my mind, and really fight for everything. Something inside he has mentally changed.

I also want to address something that has come to my attention. Working last night, I explained myself to a new fellow host. Unfortunately for him, he has only seen me really stressed and a bit sad about life. I realized within the last two weeks, I have vented to him about things that are wrong in my life, and that needs to change! My very mentality needs to change. It is fine to be stressed and worried about life, but this unemployment stage of life has been dominating my psyche. I explained to him that I am not a depressed person by nature. I love life, and I have a passion for it. I am usually happy and upbeat. He just has not seen that because this has been a hard few weeks for me.

Realizing it now and looking back on my previous posts, it looks and feels like I am going through my adolescence again. Crazy mood swings, one minute I am on top of the world and the next I am digging my own grave. It feels like I am on more of an emotional rollercoaster than I was when I was 16. Therefore, I would like to call this phase of my life: My Adolescent 20s.

It seems that almost every post is about me complaining or about me worrying about the same thing over and over. As much as that is true, I want you to know that is not me at all. I am a very positive, enthusiastic person who has a great outlook on life. There is so much I want to do with my life, so having to wait for a job or some form of accomplishment to happen is really emotionally tough (as you all have read).

I think many people can relate to this. Everything is unstable in your 20s, and that is the part about school and growing up that society fails to teach you about. I feel like I was not prepared with the understanding of just how hard graduating in this economy was going to be. I never would have guessed that laying my foundation of being independent and starting my own life for myself was going to be this hard. Am I crazy to have thought it would have been easier (notice I did not say easy, but easier)?

Even just a generation ago, life was completely different for people my age. I just talked to my parents about this. Just 25 years ago, when they were both my age, they were already married, had their own apartment, and both had their careers started right out of school. It seems like that concept is so far out of this world today, but it was one generation ago! What’s happened, America?

Talking to a few of my friends in the past few days, I know that I am not the only one experiencing their Adolescent 20s. Many of us thought life would have been different for us than what it currently is. As disturbingly true as that is, it’s simultaneously, a comforting thought. It sucks that other people are in the same boat as me, but then again I am glad other people are there with me.

As one of my fellow BJs hosts said, “I cannot wait to look back at this stage of my life and know that I got through it somehow.” Well said. Well said.

So, fellow Bloggers, I am sorry for my depressing tone that dominates each entry. I want you to know that is not really me on the outside. You will just have to excuse and bear with me for the next few months (or possible years), until I grow out of my Adolescent 20s.

Until then… goodnight.

The Strangest Interview

(written on May 4^th)

Okay, so I just need to write about this interview I had today; I am not quite sure how I feel about it. It caused a spiral web of thoughts and emotions and nothing at the same time. It was just… strange.

I was called in to interview for this marketing/broadcast television company in the Valley. I did not know much more than that going into the interview. Once I got there, I met with the CEO of the company and he was just full of energy and got right to the point.

“Jersey, huh?” he asked (he was from PA originally). “I use these interviews to get down to a deep level. I am going to ask you tough questions and I expect you to do the same.”

I was chosen out of 650+ applicants to be one of the four to interview for the position. I guess that is an achievement in itself. Anyway, the questions came and went. He was asking me about my experiences, why I have not been able to land a job in a year, etc.; questions I hate getting asked.

Halfway through the interview he got serious. He mentioned how my resume and cover letter were excellent.

“On paper, you are very driven, forward and strong.” He said my resume was the best he has seen in a long time. “However, I am not getting that in person. There is a huge disconnect between what I see on paper and how I see you in person. You look like you are from the Midwest… “ (I have never even been in the Midwest) At this point, I knew things were going to get interesting, and I was slightly irritated.

“I am going to be rude now.”

“Go for it,” I said.

“You literally look like you are a farm girl from small town Mid-West Ohio who thought she’d move and try to make it in the big city, and frankly, I don’t think you can do it. What do you have to say to that?”

Really!? In my mind, I was about to go off. Does he know who he was dealing with? I have gone through so many interviews the past few months and I am tired of putting up with crap. So what did I do? I went off…. In a professional manner of course.

“First, thank you for pointing that out. BUT…What part of me screams “farm girl? To you. Yes, I am tall and blonde and nice-mannered, but I believe that one can be a morally good person and not lose themselves in order to make it in this industry. I refuse to become the antithesis of who I want to work for. I do not believe I need to become jaded, and I am sick of having people doubt me for my niceness. Nice does not mean incapable! Secondly, I have grown up outside Manhattan, went to school in Boston and moved to LA. How does that equate to farm girl? Thirdly, what have I done to you in the last ten minutes that gave you reasoning to believe I cannot do this? I am a goal-oriented person, and I go after what I want when I want. My resume and cover letter is my voice me in “business” tone. Why does being a blonde girl or nice girl mean I cannot handle this?! I get along with most anyone; I just need to know how you work so we don’t collide in conflict. I assure you, a nice “farm girl” can handle it!”

That was the jist. I just refuse to put of with people telling me “no” and not believing in me. I know I can do this. If anything, I would think people would want to hire a nice person so it represents their business in a good light. Perhaps I am wrong?

It was my time to grill him in return for all he was worth, so I asked him really tough questions just to try and get back at him with no fear. “Are you happy?” “Why do you not already have an assistant if you have needed one for so long?” “Did you accomplish all you wanted in your career?” “What are your faults as an executive that I would need to cover in order for you to get through the day?” etc…

After the interview was over, he told me I make a really great interview. Really? I am still unsure if that means we ended it on good terms or if it was awkward.

I called my mom shortly after because I was so confused about mentally. Is this the reason why I have not been hired? Because I look nice? I refuse to believe this! But this interview does raise to light a possible explanation for why I have not gotten a job. I have told a few others the story, and got reactions saying, “That guy is an idiot.” I hope they are right. I do not take it personally, but he may have a point that is worth considering: maybe there is a disconnect between my strength on paper and myself in person. It is something I need to be more aware of each time I meet with someone. I believe I represent myself well in interviews, being all bubbly, enthusiastic and professional.

This interview was just such a strange experience, I really do not know what else to say. It did however leave me feeling I need to stand up for myself more and tell potential employers that I may be nice, but that does not mean I am incapable. In fact, I wrote and email to the executives for the dream job I wanted about the situation. It was a forward email, but I feel I need to be more aggressive and really say how I feel about the situation.

I just wanted to share this crazy LA experience #357 with you all. The email I wrote is posted below. Feel free to read it if you want. Thanks for letting me blow off some steam. I cannot wait to prove this man wrong! Guess I won’t be getting the job.

Until the next job interview… hopefully tomorrow will be better.

EMAIL:

Hi _______,

Hope you don't mind me emailing you again, but I wanted to let you know that I am still here and highly interested in the assistant position. I know no decision has been made yet, and may not be for a while, but I wanted to give you an update from my end with a strange event that happened today.

I had an interview with a company for an assistant to three execs. The one exec I met was very forward and pushed some tough questions… The interview was very intense… but it made me realize a few things, and this is why I tell you this story. I wanted to let you know that I am aware how I come across in person: polite, energetic, nice, etc. But I wanted to take this chance and say please do not underestimate my politeness as a reason for why I cannot do my job. I am a firm believer that business, no matter how cutthroat, can be done in a civilized and genuine manner. I do not believe you have to be jaded to make it in this industry, and I know you are an excellent example of this. Nice does not equal incapable.

I would not normally email this type of message to you, but at this point, I have nothing to lose. You know I want to be a part of your team, and I am unsure of how your decision will sway, and that is out of my hands, but regardless, I just wanted to chance to tell you to please understand that me being polite in business does not infringe on my capability of my performance. I hope you do not mind me being forward with you on this, but it has become a hot topic for me over the last year.

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well…I look forward to talking to you soon!

Ashley

Osama's Death - My Take

We all know Osama is gone, and I must say, "Good riddance!" It was about time we found him and we caught him.

Writing about this makes me a little uneasy because I know the reaction to Osama's death has been very mixed. NYC and DC celebrated with cheers when the news broke out, and if I were back East when the news broke out, I would have gone to ground zero to be a part of the moment. However, being out here in LA, it seems that society has granted a different type of feeling, rather one of indifference.

It seemed that with the news of Osama, not many people out here cared. In fact, with a few of the other blogs I follow and a few people I talked with, it seemed people were sad we were celebrating the death of one man. I understand that point, but I guess I feel a lot stronger about his death than most people would because of how close we were to the actual event.

I don't talk about it much, and I still hate seeing footage of 9/11, but I still can get a bit emotional about the events of that day. I have supported to war effort in the Middle East because I knew we would not be safe otherwise, and plus, I wanted the man, who caused such a horrific accident and altered the world in which I live, gone. He hurt my friends, their families, and killed people in my town. How can I not take it personally?

It's not that I want revenge, because one man is never going to make up for the 3,000 lives lost on that tragic day that is forever seared into my memory. I just want the threat gone. Osama was our generation's Hitler, and he needed to be stopped. The war is far from over, but the leader is gone.

I had ice cream with two of my BU friends the other night because we all felt the same about Osama's death. It felt like no one out here cared. To prove that point, here are a few instances I personally witnessed. The news was on at work during the day. It seemed I was the only one informed or aware of the details of how the operation went down. When I asked others about it, they had nothing but an appeasing "umhmm" reply.

At work, I wanted to watch the news, but unfortunately a few guests complained that they wanted the Lakers game or Ducks game on instead, so within 30 seconds, the National headlines was gone and the sports were full screen. Sports overtook the biggest national news we have had in nearly a decade. Ugh!

Secondly, another instance that frustrated me was while hosting, some actor that I did not recognize entered the bar area. he was from One Tree Hill or something. I was in the middle of a conversation when he sat, and I lost the focus with the person I was talking too. I turn the corner and I see all 7 girl waitresses staring at him from that back of the restaurant all huddled together talking about whether he will notice them or not. Would no one talk to me about it? He is the murderer of my friend's family, my neighbors! It seemed they could care less. It frustrates me that people out here really cannot hold a good conversation other than what's happening in the industry out here.

The three of us discussed this issue because it really bothered us on how there was such a lack of response from LAers about Osama. Maybe because we were so close to the events, and Calfiornians really have no concept of the events of 9/11, but it is still disturbing how news of a world-wide massive murderer can go unchecked.

I hope that is not the future for our world. I hope by Osama being gone that the world's future is altered for the better.

Sorry is this is really strong, but I had to relay how I felt about it. Osama is gone, as are he lives he took, but I will never forget. Good job, President Obama, on executing such a top operation with no American casualties. I just hope the rest of the country cares as much as I.

One Year Anniversary

Can you believe it? I have now been in LA for over a year! On March 16th, my one year anniversary date passed. Congratulations.... to myself, I guess? Sometimes I cannot believe that I have made it this long, and other times it seems like it was just yesterday when I moved.

As I look back upon my year, I see that this year has been anything but stable. Emotionally, it has been the hardest year of my life. Mentally, I have found myself to be stronger than I originally thought, and weaker in others areas simultaneously. Physically, my body has been through a lot of ups and downs, and spiritually, I have had a lot of bumps as well. Now that I think about it, there has not been anything stable about this year at all.

Let's review... within the last 12 months, I have worked for top companies - Walt Disney Pictures, Disney Animation, Conan, Scott Rudin Productions, ABC- as well as gained some personal PA experiences - Kids Choice Awards, Hall of Game Awards, a short film and web series, etc. I guess I need to give myself more credit, because it seems on paper I have accomplished a lot, but I can feel quite the opposite majority of the time.

Some of the top experiences that have stood out in my mind range from my various work environments, to entering my first relationship. That's right, I have now entered the crazy world of dating. About time this came, right? Well, I won't say much because I want to keep it all private, but the guy is really great. He is tall, handsome, generous, and genuine. I feel so lucky to find someone out here so far away from home to connect with. Not sure what the future holds, but I am learning to take life one day at a time, and just enjoy the ride (a LOT easier said than done).

Looking back on the year though, other experiences that stand out.... hmmm.... I remember meeting my friend who ended up buying me over 600 dollars of makeup! It was my own Pretty Woman story. I think I wrote about it. If not, its on my other blog: http://ashleyread.tumblr.com/. I remember meeting a great group of friends, hosting my Fall Fiesta, attending the Tangled Wrap Party at the Chinese Theater, and attending my first concert as well as several others hosted by Conan's house band: Jimmy Vivino and the BCB. But probably one of the best experiences was having my family come and visit me during the Holidays. I could not afford to leave LA, so my family came to me. It was amazing.

I have to sometimes wake up and pinch myself realizing this is my life! Who knew that attending a holiday party with one of Time's most influential people and the industry's top writers would be in the cards for me? I feel so close to so many people, that I can't believe this is my life.

However, there is the other side to this story, that I am afraid to say, has dominated most of my emotions - the job hunt. This process has been one long and difficult road, harder than I ever thought it could be. I have never had to deal with this much rejection my whole life. As someone who accomplishes anything I put my mind to and usually gets it, not getting where I want when I want has been one tough pill to swallow.

If there is one word in summary that could define the professional aspect of my year out here, it would be: Networking! I have never hustled to meet new people as much as I have in the last year. Being unemployed and working various places has allowed me access to contacts I never thought I'd reach. I meet with 2-3 executives a week just to get their story of where they're from and how they got there.

I am a pro-networker and interviewee! If there is one thing I can do, it is network. I understand the value of a connection. Despite LA's "What can you do for me?" attitude towards life, I have found myself to be surprisingly un-jaded by the industry.

I will elaborate more on the job search in an upcoming post, but you can tell this has been one turbulent year. I look forward to the time in my life where I can look back and appreciate the risks I took to get here.

So emotionally and mentally, yes, it has been one turbulent year to say the least. Spiritually, I realize how much being a Christian means to me, and just how much I cannot handle life on my own. I know there is a divine plan for me, but the path to finding it has been so hard. I don't even know if I am on the right path most of the time. I just have to learn to trust God, and life will work itself out. I wish I could be more involved with Church, but I am not settled enough in life to do that yet. Someday, yes. Same with working for charities or volunteering. I want to become more involved with that, but I am just not there yet in life. I have to remain patient that it will come.

Now that leaves physically. Well, as I posted months back, I joined a gym and incorporated it into my daily life. By the holidays, I had lost 18 pounds, and I was in the best shape of my life. I reached my goal weight, not ideal, but goal, and I felt so good! Unfortunately, that was short lived because my back acted up again, and I lost feeling in my left leg. My exercise routine after the holidays, never returned as strong. I still have a net-weight-loss that fluctuates from 10-14 pounds. I seem to be at a stand still with losing wight, but I am happy that I am a lot more toned than I was a year ago, which was the real goal. I am definitely learning to really love my body the way it is, but it is annoying that I cannot shake the remaining 8ish pounds I lost a few months ago.

Overall, I know I am really lucky to have the life I have. Although it is nowhere near easy, I have been able to survive in LA for a year. Not many people can say that. Knowing that only 1% of the world that dreams of being in this business actually moves out here to do it, keeps me going. I am so lucky to have the family and support that I have, and I miss them all. This year, although turbulent, has brought me some unexpected, and unplanned, surprises. Hopefully a job will just follow soon, but until then... goodnight.

Tangled Wrap Party: First Hollywood Event!

written on Sunday 10/17

I do not have much time, as I am planning a Fall Fiesta today and my pies are in the oven, but I wanted to tell you all about last night!

I had my first real Hollywood party! My roommate works for Disney Animation on the Winnie the Pooh film, and she had an extra ticket for the Tangled Wrap party. That means, I was able to attend the party that celebrated the end of making "Tangled" the new Disney animation movie being released in November.

I had no idea what I was in for, but I knew it was going to be a good night. I got all dressed up and curled my whole head, which did not stay, but oh well. At 4pm, my roommate and I went to our neighbor's apt, who worked on Tangled, and there we had some champagne and appetizers. Delicious! I love champagne. The girls looked so gorgeous. I was floored! I asked where they each got their dresses, and it was a reality check for me that I am no longer in high school. Each of their dresses were over 100 dollars, and were designer made. I am so used to hearing cheap names like Charlotte Russe or H&M with prices under 75 dollars. Boy was I wrong. I had to remember: this is adult world!

We all took a taxi to the famous Roosevelt hotel where we arrived at the Pool Bar for some pre-game drinks. That was when people trickled in for what looked like the Oscars. Women were in all sorts of colors, long and short gowns, hair done; it was essentially adult prom. I noticed I was the odd one out, because I was the only one wearing tights, even panty-hose for that matter. I guess that is not the LA thing to do this time of year. All the women were bare-legged, and I wore black tights. Oops. Fashion mistake 15532. haha.

While at the pool, I noticed some rugged guy wearing jeans, and realized that was Colin Ferrel! I don't like him, but it was neat to see some random celebrity at the hang out with us. He had nothing to do with the event, but he was just there. Still a cool sighting.

After the Roosevelt, we walked to the screening. The people who made the film were in one theater, the El Capitain, and those who were Disney Employees or guests, like me, were in the Chinese Theater. We had free popcorn and soda upon arrival. I have never been in the theater, and it was gorgeous! I could only feel like I was walking into history because that theater is legend in its role in Hollywood.

Before we saw the film, John Lasseter (Disney COO) spoke to introduce the film to us. He discussed the vision of the film, the audience response, and what he hopes it would do in theaters. Then Ed Catmull also spoke (Pres. of Animation) about his opinion of the film. Finally, the producer, Roy Conli, and directors, Byron and Nathan, also spoke. Their speech was about 35 minutes long as they said all their Thank Yous for the film. Glad that was not an Oscar speech. After hearing them, we watched the film.

Note to Everyone: GO SEE TANGLED! It is a beautiful film with a great storyline. I was really hesitant about it because of the od marketing campaign, but honestly, this is great. It was funny, quirky, light hearted, and theatrical. Mandy Moore was perfect for the role as was the villain. The colors are outstanding. Make sure you see it at least once. It is truly beautiful.

After the film, we all went upstairs to the top floor club that overlooked Sunset Blvd and partied the night away. They had catered food, amazing desserts, open bar, lots of music, and even an aerial acrobatic performing in hanging fabric like Cirque Du Soleil. What I was most in shock with was the fact I was eating two tables way from John Lasseter! I wanted to approach him so badly and ask, "So how did you go from the theme parks to the Studios? I need advice!" I never did. Next time! I also introduced myself to Ed Catmull, since I now know his daughter. On top of that, Mandy Moore was there, stunning as always, Zac Levi (I didn't see him) as well as Andrew Millstein (EVP of Production).

I could not believe I partied with John Lasseter! hahaha! I was in shock for a while. I was so happy I wanted to get emotional about it, because this was it. This was a culmination of what happens once you complete such a large project for the world to experience. Plus, the making of Tangled was anything but easy, so everyone wanted to party to celebrate its ending.

After dinner, the tables were moved for the dance floor, and we all just had fun. People were wasted of course, but it was great to see all people out of their shell. I loved seeing the security guard dance to Britney Spears. Classic!

It was great feeling a part of something again, even though I did not have any influence in the film. It made me realize that I can have the same thing. I cannot wait to go to one of those and celebrate something I actually influenced. How rewarding. But the most rewarding part was after the movie we all stayed for the credits. It occurred to me I was sitting with the people whose names were on the credits! That was it for them. They all got to see their name in lights on a large screen, and every department was acknowledged including the Cast Member who ran the Caffeination Department (aka the Caffeine Patch at work).

It was just a wonderful night and a job well done. It was my first of many Hollywood Wrap parties to come I hope. I cannot wait to be involved on the project when it happens. So everyone, GO SEE TANGLED!! Until then... that's a wrap!

A Breakthrough to Risk It All!

(written on Friday 10/15/10)

I heard back, and I have good news! I got the CONAN Internship!!!! YAYAYAYYAY!!

Okay, bringing it back down to earth. I got the internship!! I am sooo excited! This is a breakthrough for me. I have had my first yes in months! I am so excited. Did I say that already?

Breathe in.... breath out.... phew.... okay!

Now that my sanity is back, let me explain what this means. As many of you know, Conan O'Brian was kicked out of NBC last winter for some ridiculous reasons. He has not been on television since, but has signed a deal to start his own show on TBS. This new show, cleverly named, CONAN, will air on November 8th at 11pm.

Since Conan's disappearance, his popularity has skyrocketed. He is now one of the "untouchables" in Hollywood. His is being treated as if he is a movie star these days, and has such a huge following. Aside from that, working for him is even harder than talking to him. He brought over his staff from NYC when he moved to LA last year, so there have been few openings to work for him.

Now over the last 2 years, I have been applying to him in whichever way I could. I have been a Coco fan for years. He combines everything that I love: silly humor, great entertainment, variety of guests, live television audience, etc. Plus, I would watch him at night before I went to sleep in college. He is my entertainment when nothing else is on tv and I am always up at that hour. I never thought working for him would be possible.

BUT IT IS! His show is the beginning of something big. Even though he is not yet on the air, he will be around for years to come. He is not going anywhere; I am quite sure of that. For that reason alone, I am going to be taking a giant leap of faith and accept this internship. No brainer right? Well, this is going to cause a lot more extra work and struggle for me.

Internships are unpaid in this industry. Not only will I be working for free for 3 days a week for the show, I also need to get college credit. I need to prove I am a student in order to get this internship. So now, I need to enroll back into school (lose money), like a community college, in order for me to start. Back to school I go! (Isn't it funny? I am not qualified enough for an entry level job, but over qualified for an internship. Where is the middle ground?) Enrolling in a class will be my task for next week.

So aside from school credit, I also need to find another source of income to survive. I will need a job the other 4 days a week (say Thursday-Sunday) to pay rent, bills, gas, etc. Now what job will allow me to do that? I need to find a flexible part time job, and I am assuming it will not be in the industry. Perhaps waiting tables, babysitting, theme parks, etc. It is not ideal for me, but it is in hopes I will be getting in the industry soon.

I am also halting my job search for a bit. I am only going through with this internship, not because I need it ( I have 7 already), but because there is the slightest hope I may grow with the show. Conan is entering its first season, of hopefully many. I asked the girl I interviewed with if there was a possibility of me staying on full time, and she could not promise for there is always that chance of being cancelled. However, she was an intern three years ago, and now she is a producer for the Casting department. Do I need anymore proof?

In total, I will be risking it all for this internship. I will be risking my career job search, my savings to enroll in school, my chances of finding part time work to cover rent, everything I have come out here with, just for the smallest chance I can grow into the show. Crazy?!?!

I think I need a reality check! Still here. okay...

That is the story. That is my new direction: backwards! haha. Seriously though, I am going backwards to hopefully move forward for something that is practically my dream job. I think this is the smartest risk I am taking, but also the steepest. Everything is on the line because nothing is guaranteed. All or nothing. As my mom said, "No risk, no reward." I just hope it leads to reward and not ruin. I am taking it as the biggest investment of my career thus far. That is my approach to this internship.

It is strange to be leaving Disney for a while, but I am still seasonal in FL, so I am just leaving the Studios for a while. This is an answer to my prayers. I just pray I can find the income through odd jobs just to survive out here. I will worry about that next week. But for now... I want to take in this moment.

I am so scared, nervous, excited and anxious all at the same time. I will be the intern for CONAN! Not just the show, but specific to the Talent and Casting department! CRAZY! I will be dealing with all the celebrities, musical guests, talent, etc that you will see on the show. I will be interacting with the executives of this department, which I am sooo interested in. It could not have been a better department. The girls I will work with are really young and bubbly. They looked so happy working there. I just hope to be one of them some day.

For now, I may be the lowest on the totem pole, but hey, I will be there! So check it out everyone. Watch CONAN on Nov. 8th on TBS!!!