Shattered Glass

(written May 6^th)

Let me just say I am feel like a piece of glass on the verge of shattering into a thousand pieces. You know that feeling of tons of pressure on your chest that you can barely breathe? I feel like if I inhale even one more breath I will pop like an overinflated balloon. I am on the delicate edge from falling and I am drowning in my own sadness.

I can barely breathe as I write this, but I need to get this out… or what I can.

This week has just been the worst week emotionally for me. I want to cry it out, but I just can’t. I feel like if I cry and breakdown, this negative world wins.

“What’s happened?” you ask. In short, it’s a mixture of everything, but the cherry on top is I got rejected from my dream job today. The one position I fought to interview for and I thought I had. I got a hint of that possibility yesterday when HR called me and said they may offer it someone else, but they were not sure. I refused to believe it. I continued to go on another interview with Nickelodeon, but my emotions and bubbly personality were really not there. All I want is to go home.

I went to the gym yesterday and ran. I ran for an hour nonstop, which I never do. I was running everything, every emotion, every experience, out. I listened to Evanescence (great angry music btw), and it was in that moment. My friend, Lauren, showed up and I could barely hold it together. I just felt like I was about to shatter. I mentioned going home for a second, and even the thought of that got me teary-eyed.

Then today, I just wasn’t having it. It was hard to wake up because I didn’t want to face the potential bad news. I went on another interview, which like all others, seems to go well, but I emotionally just was not there. I bought my ticket to go home last week, and right now that is the only place I want to be.

After the interview, I got the official word from my dream job executive, and he said they offered it to another person. I asked why I didn’t get it, and they said they really liked me and I did nothing wrong. Of course, those are the words a broken heart really does not want to hear after the news is out.

An hour later, my good friend, Chris, came to hang out with me, and we went to the DMV. In the car, I could barely speak because I was so upset with losing this job. That job represented everything for which I had moved out here, and I really thought I had it. The fact that I got rejected from over 5 jobs this week alone and now this one, plus being really homesick, missing Easter, and just being in a depressed state of mind… I can’t hold it all in anymore.

“I AM MAD AS HELL AND I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” SERIOUSLY!

When I got to the DMV, the clerk was a real jerk. I couldn’t concentrate on getting my license plates because I was mentally checked out. He told me I owed him more money for the value of the car or something like that and … I just lost it. I started crying in front of the guy.

Chris came over and helped me, but I could not stop crying in front of both of them. Chris took me out to ice cream, but even during the ride I was crying. I just can’t breathe.

Even as I write this, I still get teary eyed. I feel like my heart has shattered into thousands of pieces. I feel like I am letting my family down once again. This trip home cannot come soon enough.

To make matters even better, I have to work BJs tonight. I am not in a state of mind at all to be in front of people. I just want to sit in. My emotions are gone, and mentally I am home in NJ. Just two more weeks… God get me there faster.

Right now, I am just in a spiral of depression and disappointment. What more do I need to do to get in?! Why am I sacrificing being away from my friends and family?! Is this all worth it? I just keep praying that I will be guided in the right direction. Today it feels like… feels like nothing. I cannot feel anymore.

I am going to go because if I write anymore I am going to breakdown and shatter.

Dear Home- you could not feel further away from me right now in time and distance.

This will take some time to get over… until then. Bye.

P.S. Sorry Mom and Dad for crying over the phone to tell you the news. I will make you proud one day.

One Year Anniversary

Can you believe it? I have now been in LA for over a year! On March 16th, my one year anniversary date passed. Congratulations.... to myself, I guess? Sometimes I cannot believe that I have made it this long, and other times it seems like it was just yesterday when I moved.

As I look back upon my year, I see that this year has been anything but stable. Emotionally, it has been the hardest year of my life. Mentally, I have found myself to be stronger than I originally thought, and weaker in others areas simultaneously. Physically, my body has been through a lot of ups and downs, and spiritually, I have had a lot of bumps as well. Now that I think about it, there has not been anything stable about this year at all.

Let's review... within the last 12 months, I have worked for top companies - Walt Disney Pictures, Disney Animation, Conan, Scott Rudin Productions, ABC- as well as gained some personal PA experiences - Kids Choice Awards, Hall of Game Awards, a short film and web series, etc. I guess I need to give myself more credit, because it seems on paper I have accomplished a lot, but I can feel quite the opposite majority of the time.

Some of the top experiences that have stood out in my mind range from my various work environments, to entering my first relationship. That's right, I have now entered the crazy world of dating. About time this came, right? Well, I won't say much because I want to keep it all private, but the guy is really great. He is tall, handsome, generous, and genuine. I feel so lucky to find someone out here so far away from home to connect with. Not sure what the future holds, but I am learning to take life one day at a time, and just enjoy the ride (a LOT easier said than done).

Looking back on the year though, other experiences that stand out.... hmmm.... I remember meeting my friend who ended up buying me over 600 dollars of makeup! It was my own Pretty Woman story. I think I wrote about it. If not, its on my other blog: http://ashleyread.tumblr.com/. I remember meeting a great group of friends, hosting my Fall Fiesta, attending the Tangled Wrap Party at the Chinese Theater, and attending my first concert as well as several others hosted by Conan's house band: Jimmy Vivino and the BCB. But probably one of the best experiences was having my family come and visit me during the Holidays. I could not afford to leave LA, so my family came to me. It was amazing.

I have to sometimes wake up and pinch myself realizing this is my life! Who knew that attending a holiday party with one of Time's most influential people and the industry's top writers would be in the cards for me? I feel so close to so many people, that I can't believe this is my life.

However, there is the other side to this story, that I am afraid to say, has dominated most of my emotions - the job hunt. This process has been one long and difficult road, harder than I ever thought it could be. I have never had to deal with this much rejection my whole life. As someone who accomplishes anything I put my mind to and usually gets it, not getting where I want when I want has been one tough pill to swallow.

If there is one word in summary that could define the professional aspect of my year out here, it would be: Networking! I have never hustled to meet new people as much as I have in the last year. Being unemployed and working various places has allowed me access to contacts I never thought I'd reach. I meet with 2-3 executives a week just to get their story of where they're from and how they got there.

I am a pro-networker and interviewee! If there is one thing I can do, it is network. I understand the value of a connection. Despite LA's "What can you do for me?" attitude towards life, I have found myself to be surprisingly un-jaded by the industry.

I will elaborate more on the job search in an upcoming post, but you can tell this has been one turbulent year. I look forward to the time in my life where I can look back and appreciate the risks I took to get here.

So emotionally and mentally, yes, it has been one turbulent year to say the least. Spiritually, I realize how much being a Christian means to me, and just how much I cannot handle life on my own. I know there is a divine plan for me, but the path to finding it has been so hard. I don't even know if I am on the right path most of the time. I just have to learn to trust God, and life will work itself out. I wish I could be more involved with Church, but I am not settled enough in life to do that yet. Someday, yes. Same with working for charities or volunteering. I want to become more involved with that, but I am just not there yet in life. I have to remain patient that it will come.

Now that leaves physically. Well, as I posted months back, I joined a gym and incorporated it into my daily life. By the holidays, I had lost 18 pounds, and I was in the best shape of my life. I reached my goal weight, not ideal, but goal, and I felt so good! Unfortunately, that was short lived because my back acted up again, and I lost feeling in my left leg. My exercise routine after the holidays, never returned as strong. I still have a net-weight-loss that fluctuates from 10-14 pounds. I seem to be at a stand still with losing wight, but I am happy that I am a lot more toned than I was a year ago, which was the real goal. I am definitely learning to really love my body the way it is, but it is annoying that I cannot shake the remaining 8ish pounds I lost a few months ago.

Overall, I know I am really lucky to have the life I have. Although it is nowhere near easy, I have been able to survive in LA for a year. Not many people can say that. Knowing that only 1% of the world that dreams of being in this business actually moves out here to do it, keeps me going. I am so lucky to have the family and support that I have, and I miss them all. This year, although turbulent, has brought me some unexpected, and unplanned, surprises. Hopefully a job will just follow soon, but until then... goodnight.