Shattered Glass

(written May 6^th)

Let me just say I am feel like a piece of glass on the verge of shattering into a thousand pieces. You know that feeling of tons of pressure on your chest that you can barely breathe? I feel like if I inhale even one more breath I will pop like an overinflated balloon. I am on the delicate edge from falling and I am drowning in my own sadness.

I can barely breathe as I write this, but I need to get this out… or what I can.

This week has just been the worst week emotionally for me. I want to cry it out, but I just can’t. I feel like if I cry and breakdown, this negative world wins.

“What’s happened?” you ask. In short, it’s a mixture of everything, but the cherry on top is I got rejected from my dream job today. The one position I fought to interview for and I thought I had. I got a hint of that possibility yesterday when HR called me and said they may offer it someone else, but they were not sure. I refused to believe it. I continued to go on another interview with Nickelodeon, but my emotions and bubbly personality were really not there. All I want is to go home.

I went to the gym yesterday and ran. I ran for an hour nonstop, which I never do. I was running everything, every emotion, every experience, out. I listened to Evanescence (great angry music btw), and it was in that moment. My friend, Lauren, showed up and I could barely hold it together. I just felt like I was about to shatter. I mentioned going home for a second, and even the thought of that got me teary-eyed.

Then today, I just wasn’t having it. It was hard to wake up because I didn’t want to face the potential bad news. I went on another interview, which like all others, seems to go well, but I emotionally just was not there. I bought my ticket to go home last week, and right now that is the only place I want to be.

After the interview, I got the official word from my dream job executive, and he said they offered it to another person. I asked why I didn’t get it, and they said they really liked me and I did nothing wrong. Of course, those are the words a broken heart really does not want to hear after the news is out.

An hour later, my good friend, Chris, came to hang out with me, and we went to the DMV. In the car, I could barely speak because I was so upset with losing this job. That job represented everything for which I had moved out here, and I really thought I had it. The fact that I got rejected from over 5 jobs this week alone and now this one, plus being really homesick, missing Easter, and just being in a depressed state of mind… I can’t hold it all in anymore.

“I AM MAD AS HELL AND I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” SERIOUSLY!

When I got to the DMV, the clerk was a real jerk. I couldn’t concentrate on getting my license plates because I was mentally checked out. He told me I owed him more money for the value of the car or something like that and … I just lost it. I started crying in front of the guy.

Chris came over and helped me, but I could not stop crying in front of both of them. Chris took me out to ice cream, but even during the ride I was crying. I just can’t breathe.

Even as I write this, I still get teary eyed. I feel like my heart has shattered into thousands of pieces. I feel like I am letting my family down once again. This trip home cannot come soon enough.

To make matters even better, I have to work BJs tonight. I am not in a state of mind at all to be in front of people. I just want to sit in. My emotions are gone, and mentally I am home in NJ. Just two more weeks… God get me there faster.

Right now, I am just in a spiral of depression and disappointment. What more do I need to do to get in?! Why am I sacrificing being away from my friends and family?! Is this all worth it? I just keep praying that I will be guided in the right direction. Today it feels like… feels like nothing. I cannot feel anymore.

I am going to go because if I write anymore I am going to breakdown and shatter.

Dear Home- you could not feel further away from me right now in time and distance.

This will take some time to get over… until then. Bye.

P.S. Sorry Mom and Dad for crying over the phone to tell you the news. I will make you proud one day.

A Breakthrough to Risk It All!

(written on Friday 10/15/10)

I heard back, and I have good news! I got the CONAN Internship!!!! YAYAYAYYAY!!

Okay, bringing it back down to earth. I got the internship!! I am sooo excited! This is a breakthrough for me. I have had my first yes in months! I am so excited. Did I say that already?

Breathe in.... breath out.... phew.... okay!

Now that my sanity is back, let me explain what this means. As many of you know, Conan O'Brian was kicked out of NBC last winter for some ridiculous reasons. He has not been on television since, but has signed a deal to start his own show on TBS. This new show, cleverly named, CONAN, will air on November 8th at 11pm.

Since Conan's disappearance, his popularity has skyrocketed. He is now one of the "untouchables" in Hollywood. His is being treated as if he is a movie star these days, and has such a huge following. Aside from that, working for him is even harder than talking to him. He brought over his staff from NYC when he moved to LA last year, so there have been few openings to work for him.

Now over the last 2 years, I have been applying to him in whichever way I could. I have been a Coco fan for years. He combines everything that I love: silly humor, great entertainment, variety of guests, live television audience, etc. Plus, I would watch him at night before I went to sleep in college. He is my entertainment when nothing else is on tv and I am always up at that hour. I never thought working for him would be possible.

BUT IT IS! His show is the beginning of something big. Even though he is not yet on the air, he will be around for years to come. He is not going anywhere; I am quite sure of that. For that reason alone, I am going to be taking a giant leap of faith and accept this internship. No brainer right? Well, this is going to cause a lot more extra work and struggle for me.

Internships are unpaid in this industry. Not only will I be working for free for 3 days a week for the show, I also need to get college credit. I need to prove I am a student in order to get this internship. So now, I need to enroll back into school (lose money), like a community college, in order for me to start. Back to school I go! (Isn't it funny? I am not qualified enough for an entry level job, but over qualified for an internship. Where is the middle ground?) Enrolling in a class will be my task for next week.

So aside from school credit, I also need to find another source of income to survive. I will need a job the other 4 days a week (say Thursday-Sunday) to pay rent, bills, gas, etc. Now what job will allow me to do that? I need to find a flexible part time job, and I am assuming it will not be in the industry. Perhaps waiting tables, babysitting, theme parks, etc. It is not ideal for me, but it is in hopes I will be getting in the industry soon.

I am also halting my job search for a bit. I am only going through with this internship, not because I need it ( I have 7 already), but because there is the slightest hope I may grow with the show. Conan is entering its first season, of hopefully many. I asked the girl I interviewed with if there was a possibility of me staying on full time, and she could not promise for there is always that chance of being cancelled. However, she was an intern three years ago, and now she is a producer for the Casting department. Do I need anymore proof?

In total, I will be risking it all for this internship. I will be risking my career job search, my savings to enroll in school, my chances of finding part time work to cover rent, everything I have come out here with, just for the smallest chance I can grow into the show. Crazy?!?!

I think I need a reality check! Still here. okay...

That is the story. That is my new direction: backwards! haha. Seriously though, I am going backwards to hopefully move forward for something that is practically my dream job. I think this is the smartest risk I am taking, but also the steepest. Everything is on the line because nothing is guaranteed. All or nothing. As my mom said, "No risk, no reward." I just hope it leads to reward and not ruin. I am taking it as the biggest investment of my career thus far. That is my approach to this internship.

It is strange to be leaving Disney for a while, but I am still seasonal in FL, so I am just leaving the Studios for a while. This is an answer to my prayers. I just pray I can find the income through odd jobs just to survive out here. I will worry about that next week. But for now... I want to take in this moment.

I am so scared, nervous, excited and anxious all at the same time. I will be the intern for CONAN! Not just the show, but specific to the Talent and Casting department! CRAZY! I will be dealing with all the celebrities, musical guests, talent, etc that you will see on the show. I will be interacting with the executives of this department, which I am sooo interested in. It could not have been a better department. The girls I will work with are really young and bubbly. They looked so happy working there. I just hope to be one of them some day.

For now, I may be the lowest on the totem pole, but hey, I will be there! So check it out everyone. Watch CONAN on Nov. 8th on TBS!!!

Weekly Dilemma... Smoothest or Hardest Course?

(written Wednesday 10/7- Sunday 10/10/10)

Alright, I have calmed down from my last post yesterday. Sorry, I just had to vent and this seemed a great platform to do so. How are you, my followers, doing? I hope you are all doing alright. The weather here is LA has been so strange lately. Always foggy, and not even around 70 degrees; just like Fall! YAY!

Well, like always, I have had a few thoughts running through my head this week, and I am not sure what to do. I have been struggling a bit over the last six months to find a job as you know. I seem to know a lot of people, and yet, nothing has landed. I know something will soon, but that is not the point. Throughout this process, I feel as if I have been open minded to where I land for the first job. Yes, I have an ideal start, but that is not the only thing I am pursuing. I have had interviews for all sorts of jobs, but lately, I have been thinking, maybe I am too picky? Have a been blind to what is right in front of me?

A few weeks ago, I gave a friend of mine a connection that led to a job. I acutally was able to give someone else a job. She was the second person I did that too. How am I able to help others but not myself? Funny, right? Well, I had an hour talk with her the other night about where she is currently working. She is working as a PA in an animation studio that does straight to DVD projects. She told me to not be picky and look into this. She absolutely loves her job, and the best part is: it's with Disney. She is so happy there. Her enthusiasm has made me second guess my process out here, hence my weekly dilemma.

Should I seriously consider working where I could have an easy in, even though it is not at all what I want to do, and still look for something else? Or, should I just work there, grin and bear it, and get experience knowing I will leave it soon? If I go to this department, would it be surrendering on pursuing my path for live television? Am I stupid for not going where I have this contact?

My arguement for taking it:

* It keeps me with Disney and making contacts, which is my ultimate goal for my career.

* I get production experience despite the medium

* Solves the "lack of experience" part of why I have not yet been hired

*Full benefits: health, dental, vision, and good salary

* Great influence and involvement in the creative process

Argument against:

* I love animation, but I am not into it as a career choice; I am one to push full force for what I want

* Once in animation, I hear it is hard to get out of it.

* Projects are years long, so I would be there for a while as a PA and not get other experiences

* I am not passionate at all about their projects

* Animation is all an office job, and I want to be moving around and not inside all day.

So what would you choose? I feel like I am walking a fine line and coming to a fork in the road. Do I take the unexpected and not really desired, but easily accessible, path? Or do I walk the unpredictable path in a direction I am unfamiliar with without knowing the promise it will take me to my desired destination? Am I closed minded for not wanting to take animation?

Depending on this decision, my job hunt will be severely affected. I am not bribed by money, or else this would be a simple choice, go with the animation job. However, I would not be true to my heart. In fact, I wrote an email referring another friend to my contact, and wrote a whole paragraph about how I would need a job too. I put the mouse on the "send" button, but I could not get myself to send it. I could not ask for a job in animation. I deleted the post and just referred my friend.

Is not pursuing that smart or stupid? Am I not logical for not taking it? I don't know, but one friend told me I am not that desperate yet, so I should keep going after what I want. I think I will take that advice for now. But that makes my wallet and stress a bit anxious!! I have been praying about this issue all week, but this is a hard one. I am just afraid of making the wrong decision.

Also, I have not heard from the temp agency since I last finished in Production over a month ago now. I am starting to feel the urgency of finding something soon. In fact, I applied to 24 jobs today. I hope to hear back from some of them soon. This unemployed game is really an emotional roller coaster! Plus being cursed with an over active/worried mind does not help my situation.

What are your thoughts? What path would you take? I hope your decision is as confident as I wish mine could be. I just feel at this point in time, I feel a calling for me beyond the animation/smoothest course path. I feel it is down the unpredictable one of live television with the hopes there will be something someday. Until then... I am trying to figure out my path. Enough thinking for tonight.

Night!

A Generic Title

There really is not anything big I have to talk about in this post, so I have a title that reflects just that point. Deal with it, IKE!

It has been really quiet on the work front. Most of the execs are gone on vacation, and when they are gone, so are the assistants. I end up being the only one in my corner for half the day. I don't mind it, but it is a bit boring. However, this week, I am so physically exhausted despite my bosses not being here.

I have undertaken the task of cleaning out the entire supply closet. This was no easy feat. I knew two months ago, I would be the one to organize this massive monster of a project. It literally looked like the room was going to cave in on itself because nothing was put away, so it was all stacked on each other.

It took me all week to get through it, but about 3 bruised knuckles, 10 papercuts, 100 squats, 200 dead lifts later, I officially finished it today! YAY! The room was about 20x60 ft, basically a large rectangle. I had to go through all the supplies, some were over 15 years old, and decide to toss, donate or keep. I have touched so many dirty, jagged boxes, that my hands are all cracked from the dryness. There were some supplies I never knew existed in there such as typewriter label attachments or video cassette tape refills.

Anyway, that was my huge project this week, so I did not blog much on this or my other random blog, so I apologize. I actually wish I took before and after pictures of this project, because I am quite proud of the outcome.

This leads me to my next thought. I have always been a super strong organizer. If I had taken pictures of all the projects I have done, I would have a large portfolio. I always thought in my 30s I would start my own business, and it could be a bakery or, my new thought, a professional organizing service. Why not? I feel most productive when I am planning and organizing, not sitting at a computer, and being able to see the results of my work. I think it could happen!

So what I am going to try to do is make a flyer for my business and send it out to friends or small businesses and see if they need any personal re-organizing for a small fee. My plan would be not to charge until they see the improvements and are proud of my work. That way it is always making me honest to work my hardest. Thoughts? It could be a side of small income I guess. I am really serious about this too.

On a side note, I have been trying to go to the gym everyday. So far, I have gone everyday but one this week. I have attended my training session as well as the body workout classes. I really hope I can see a difference soon, but I know it takes time. In terms of my recent goal of weight loss, I thought I would have all 12 pounds gone by now, I only have four. I will just keep plugging away. I will be fit real soon.

Oh! Also a new update. I bought my ticket to Orlando a few weeks ago! I will be there from Oct 23-31st! I hope to get my seasonal hours done soon, plus I will be there during my favorite time of year. I cannot wait to see Mickey's Not so Scary! If you are in the area then, let me know, I want to see my friends again!

I guess the last update I have for you is... still no news on the job front. I have one interview on the 20th for Disney Toon Studios, but not sure if I really want it, and a call back for Dick Clark Productions, but they may not have budget yet to hire me. We will see. This position, the staff position, I interviewed for has not told me their results yet. I am temping until Sept 3rd, so that is all I can count on. I will let you know if anything changes.

My life for the last two weeks has literally been: wake up 9:25am, go to work 9:30am, work till 7pm, gym till 10:30ish, shower, eat, So You Think You Can Dance DVR, and bed.

That is it! I have a busy weekend coming up with my roommate's Feel Good Film Festival (check it out online...it's legit!), and a possible day at Disneyland on Sunday for a friend who is leaving town.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

A Change in Attitude...Again?

Aside from my money rant, I had a really good weekend. My friend Fernando was in town from Orlando, and he stayed with me. We had so many great times, I was sad to see him go. It felt great having someone come and visit you when you are far away from what you know.

One of the events that I was originally going to do with Fernando was an ABC promo taping on Saturday. He ended up not going, and I did; it was well worth it. ABC had invited me to attend a "fake red carpet" event they were filming to air as a 30 minute promo on the network this fall. I assume they were trying to highlight their comedies by having it look like there was an awards ceremony they were attending.

In reality, there was no awards session, but a red carpet set up of about 50 feet. Most of the actors you will see were extras or background workers dressed to look like celebrities. I was given the role to play "paparazzi reporter" on the media side of the carpet. I was given a notebook and a pen to make it look as if I were interviewing the stars as they stopped in front of me. I was stationed right behind the hosts' corner where Nancy O'Dell hosted with her male co-host Cameron (don't know last name). I am pretty sure you will be able to see me on this promo when it airs because I was so close the entire time to all the cameras.

This whole experience was a blast. I met some really cool people, such as Rodolfo, a fake celebrity who is actually a professional dancer from Cuba, or Ann Marie, a Disneyland CP hoping to break into the biz like myself.

What was great about the event, was I watched the people who put it on, and I asked everyone and anyone questions about how they got this gig. The extras told me I should join LA Casting or Central Casting if I am intersted in background work (which I am). I talked to Mr. "Look-a-like Tom Cruise" from England, who has made his career in look a likes.

Then we also talked to the host Cameron about his experiences. It is funny to me how people end up where they never thought they would. Cameron was a model who turned Soap Opera star, now hosting on live television. It occured to me, I want a career like that. I want to be able to do many projects and not have a necessarily straight path.

It also led me to realize that I do not want an office job. I must take them now, but eventually, I want to be on my own schedule and be active and around everywhere. If average people can do it, why can't I? Why can't I have the super career I was looking for? I was a bit down on Friday because I was really questioning whether this current temp position is something I want full time, and I realized on Saturday, it is.

Just because I am a Staff Assistant for a year does not mean I have carved only one path for myself. I can use it to make contacts, build my resume, allow me to have time to better myself physically, and do some side projects on the weekends. Then after this position, I may become something more than just a 1st assistant, like the girl before me and the girl before her, and actually have job with more responsibility. Maybe I have been looking at this the wrong way.

Also, I have never wanted to pursue acting or modeling in Hollywood because everyone does it. I hate being like everyone else, that is why I have resisted it. However, after Saturday, I was told over and over again I should at least try. They were right. I do not want to be a top model, but maybe try a catalogue model or hair model. If I ever had the talent to act, I would like to be an action actress or in a romantic comedy. But that is just a dream. But why could it not happen? I am in the epicenter of it all, so I should at least try once. Who knows what can happen from it.

So in all, the event on Saturday made me re-evaluate where I am. I am in a good spot for a job. It may be a lot lower on the totem pole than I want, but I can learn and grow from it. I now have the ambition to try other things like the hair modeling, but I need to get in shape first (hence the real reason/push for the gym). I also have the desire to prusue event production because I could see myself working behind the scenes under pressure during a live shoot, and I think I would be good at it.

I like this new perspective I gained, and it was really needed. Plus, it was also fun seeing some real celebrities on the red carpet like Patricia Heaton, Matthew Perry and the man who played Rev. Camedon on 7th Heaven. I love to look at them because they have made it. All of them are normal people, so if they can do it, why can't I? I feel reassured once again for at least a little bit, and I want to change my attitude in the way I see my definition as Staff Assistant. It is actually a great start.

Time and Choices

Time and Choices. They are simple concepts that truly dictate how we run our lives. I have been wondering a lot about these two words within the last few weeks. This is a post I have been meaning to write for the whole month of July, but I am just now getting to it.

Throughout this month, I have spent some unplanned time watching movies that deal a lot with traveling through time, or seeing the consequences of our actions. Movies I have seen this month include: Back to the Future 1 and 2, Pirates 1,2, and 3,Valley Girl, Hot Tub Time Machine, Titanic, She's Out of My League, and Enchanted. These films are so different, yet they all have a connecting thread: each of the characters make life-altering decisions based on their given circumstances (okay...maybe not Valley Girl, but still interesting).

Anyway, it got me to thinking, how much of my life is planned and how much of it is based on my individual decisions? I am not trying to get too deep into this philosophical arguement, but I have been trying to really see and understand if any of my choices for a job either send me on the wrong direction or the way to a grand career.

I am having some serious thoughts come up as I see this staff position is being pushed to hire as we speak. First of many, should I accept it if it is offered? If you asked me this question 2 months ago, I would have said, "Yes!" Now, I am starting to question if this is really for me. I am tired of being bored. I want to be used. It is meant for a year to year and a half, but by that time I will be 24.5 years old going on 25, and since I am not a first assistant, that would probably be my next job for 1.5 years, and then I will be 26.5 and just finishing being an assistant. Do I want that!? I feel like time is ticking, and I need a bigger position.

Secondly, do I go freelance or stay studio side? Freelance scares the bejeezus out of me because there is a lack of stability. Then on the other hand, there is the freedom of your schedule. I can pick and choose my projects, and I can do other things on the side. I am a well rounded person, and I do not just want to be defined by my work. I have other aspects of my life I want to pursue.

Next, I have had some offers with Reveille come and pass me by in terms of a job. I was asked to be considered for the Executive Producers' assistants as three of them were leaving within one week. I said no to the first for being unsure if reality television is where I want to be and also because it is the job from the underground. These execs are top profile and among top 10 reality producers in Hollywood. If I accepted, I would have no life, and you would never hear from me again for the year, probably, haha. So I said no, then I said yes I wanted to be considered for the other just to see what would happen. It turns out they said no to me because they want someone with agency experience, which I do not have.

Dispite all of these questions, there is still one that lingers on in my mind that bothers me the most -Do I choose television or film as my career path? I have been told by others I am too young to decide this decision, but I disagree. If I know this answer, then I can make a set career path for myself and go without feeling like I am wasting time or afraid to make the wrong decision. I have been meeting people in both the television and film world, and I am sooo intrigued by television, but I have ended up working in film. I don't know where to go from here, and this is freaking me out.

It may not sound like it, but I have calmed down considerably about worrying over every single aspect of my life, but I am still nervous about this whole move to LA. I am still scared I am not going to get to where I need to be if I do not start now.

How am I sure I will make the right decision? I think another reason why I am so antsy to get my first job done as soon as possible is because I still do not see myself staying in LA. How much time do I give it? I see all the execs who have lived here for 20+ years and never wanted to return home. I feel different than that. See, I love the weather, but I miss those most important to me, and I am not comfortable with the decision of settling in LA. So, I just don't want to take my time getting somewhere, because I feel rushed to get out.

Another point that needs to be made...last week Disney had some bad press published about a film we are having issues with. Well, it turns out the project will take some time off to fix things, which essentially means, the people on the film have lost their job until things pick back up. If I had gotten the assistant position I interviewed for in May, then I would be in that boat. I would be out of work for a month maybe more. Everything happens for a reason right? Now I am thankful that was not me and I have an office position.

So based on all of these choices, timing is everything. How dependent are we on these factors and how much of it is in our control? I was upset with not getting the assistant position, but now I am thankful, so was timing on my side or not? Timing is usually not on my side, for example, with the Reveille positions, and when pilots were hiring PAs and I missed the hiring period by a few weeks both last year and this year, and temping when offered an assistant position within my first week here. Does everything come down to timing and choices?

Which leads me to another point. I talked about how I wanted to be a doctor most of my childhood to a co-worker, and I admitted that by doing this staff position I am unsure if I am putting my best skills and strengths to use. My decision to not pursue medical school was a decision I made my senior year in high school. Was that the right decision? I hope so, but I will use that as a backup career plan I think.

Anyway, this post is long enough, so I will conclude here. This month has really had me on my toes about how every small decision affects another. There is still a lot of possibilties and unknown choices I know are coming, and I am ready. I just hope I make the right ones and I get to live the life I imagined for myself someday. But that too depends on timing and choices...

A Sentence from God

Haha, I crack myself up. I am really going to sound bi-polar...yet again. I promise you I am not!! I can be a bit emotional at times, but never in public, only in my private mind and room. For those who do not know me, I hope you do not think I am crazy. I am really level headed, but I worry an extra lot; that is the way I have ALWAYS been! I hope I do not across in any bad light.

Okay. Got that off my chest.

Today was actually a good day. Nothing spectacular happened, in fact, it was the same old at work. Walked in, was told to run to Trader Joes for some groceries, returned, and in the afternoon, I filed a little bit. Overall... that is it. Really chill, and yes, a bit boring. I know there needs to be more to this job than just the groceries. Have I just come during a really bizzare funk time of transition I guess.

But what made today good were the small things. I feel like I got some signs that I am okay. First, I was included in watching a presentation with my boss that had Rich Ross and Sean Bailey speaking about the film slate for the next year or so. There was nothing there I was not already aware of, but I was happy to hear the leaders speak. I was also happy to remind myself that yes, I do know the Studios inside and out. In fact, I know more than some execs. There was one exec on the live action side that had no idea Tangled is coming out in Novemeber. Really? Someday I will be on top of this Studio, and the awareness of each department will be better.

The video was nice, and I think it shows an interesting future for our future. However, most of our films coming out were by the affiliates we have: Marvel, Miramax, and Touchstone. It may seem like we have 14-16 movies within the next year or so, but Disney Studios, as a production company, does not have much after Tron. I would tell you about what projects are starting, but it is confidential.

Anyway, the video was a great reminder to me that I am in the Studios that really value family entertainment. This is what I want to work for. So, I am in the right spot despite my bitching yesterday. Still don't know if that is film or TV, but I am in the right area for now.

Secondly, I had sent some emails to contacts yesterday. Well today, I got those responses, and they were most certainly needed. One producer in NYC will be happy to talk to me about his experiences. The local assistant to the EVP of Creative Production and I will have lunch sometime next week to offically meet instead of talk on the phone. The HR rep from the GMA job I applied for said she would be happy to help me find I job if I see an opening and to let her know. Awesome. Those are great supportive situations there.

Finally, I got an email from one of the execs I formally temped for two months ago. I had reached out to him to catch up and say I saw his name in the credits of TS3. He responded:

"Great to hear from you, and thanks for the kind words on TS3. Glad you found something on the lot...I like to think we are much more civilized over here. I'll keep you in mind for other opportunities, but hang in there as you've got talent and the right temperament and will find what you are looking for. Hope to see you soon."

Could he have phrased that any better? I HAVE TALENT! I cannot believe those words came from his mouth, or fingers as it was an email. He must have heard what I was complaining about yesterday. I seriously take this as a sign from God. How could I not? As I was really bummed last night, I prayed really hard telling God to give me a sign for some support and direction. This may not be a lead of direction, but this was support. What also gets me about this is, how does the exec know that about me when I only temped for him for 2 DAYS! He was the shortest assigment I had, and yet he knew that about me. Remember when I said in a previous entry that the smallest details really make the difference? This is one of those smallest details.

That small email and one specific sentence really meant a lot to me. It was just the little pick me up I needed today, and for that, my day was good. My back is still hurting pretty badly, but it is improving. Social life is pretty lonely, but maybe July 4th weekend will be busy. Overall, I am still taking it one day at a time...slowly...but surely... I can rest with that.

Change of Circumstance

(written for 6/2-6/4)

Today was my the end of my three day assignment covering the desk of the assistant to the exec in charge of Special Effects. I was not sure what to expect, but it been a relatively stress-free assignment. I would have written more, but not much happened.

The exec was actually away in Hawaii for the start of Pirates 4, which starts production next week. I just had to wait for calls to come in and relay the messages via email, but I think 2 people called a day. So I basically hung out in the office, and the exec was really nice. I think I did a good job.

It seems like P4 is under way nicely, but that is just what I have heard through the grapevine. I really follow Jerry Bruckheimer on Twitter, and he posts a lot of P4 scenery, so it looks beautiful.

Anyway, I do have more news to tell you though! This is a lot more exciting. Outside of work, this week has been really an emotional rollercoaster. I am so tried as I write this because I have had very little sleep.

Okay, so I will back up a few days to last week. I don’t think I mentioned, but while covering on of the desks I met the Unit Production Manager (UPM) for one of our upcoming shows, and he asked me all sorts of questions: where I’m from, what I’m doing, how long I’ve been here, etc… I didn’t think anything of it, and I have seen him every single day since then. However, on Wednesday, he called me and asked me to meet with him. He asked if I would be interested in interviewing for an assistant postion that would start next week for the line producer of the film. Of course I said yes!!

The interview happened yesterday, Thursday, and it went really, really well. It was more of a conversation than interview. The man was so happy, bubbly, and just really interesting. He has been in this industry for more than 25 years. I felt like I had a HUGE chance.

Then I found out that the girl I temped for interviewed for the same position, and it was down to me and her. I was so nervous that I would get I would get it based on availability, but she has the experience. I would feel terrible if I took it from her, but also happy for me. It was a emotionally torn situation. We were told they would choose that night, but did not. Basically, I could not sleep at all last night because I really wanted to position. It is a great opportunity and a way to make great contacts.

I came to work today, and waited for them to tell me the results…alllllll dayyyyy looooong. Finally right before the end of the day, the UPM talked to me and told me they went with the other girl, but he wanted to tell me in person. Since then, it has all worked out. I was really bummed for myself, because it is just another rejection on top of a really hard year. But also, I was really happy for the girl because she has been waiting for two years to move on, and she has the proper experience.

I was honored just to be considered. If I had not been temping last week, this would not have happened, none of these contacts, any of it. I am just really proud of myself because I feel like I am making headway, slowly but surely…

But that is not it! Because her job starts on Monday, they need to fill her spot. So guess who takes it? Me!! That’s right, I will now be perm temping until they fill the position. I was told that can be a month or up to a year. So I have no idea when I will not be working, but I am! It is not a hire, but I am definitely here to stay for a while. Basically, I am doing the same thing I did with Marketing but for Production, in the department I want to be in. How much more can I ask? I am doing it! So, Disney, I am here, like it or not. One thing I ask, can you hire me?

Haha, seriously. I am really proud of myself. Who knew that in 2.5 months I would be in Production? I know I want to be in more of the creative end of it, but this is a great starting place. If I have this for up to a year, then I won’t need to be hired for that position, I can move up and on. So, as for now, I am the permanent Temp Staff Assistant for Walt Disney Pictures Motion Pictures Physical Production. Yea? Yea!

I look forward to what has to come, the adjustment to a whole new department, and the involvement on the upcoming films and projects as we enter a new regime of leadership within the company. Things can only move up. Plus, I don’t have to intern anymore, or at least for a while! Extra Bonus!

Plus (what more can there be right?), one of my best friends from high school has decided to visit LA for a few days. So I am going to pick her up in a few, and then drive to OC tonight. Big day tomorrow…even though it is the weekend…I don’t stop.

End of rollercoaster ride…for now. I think I am a bit dizzy.

Worst Day Ever

(written 4.19.10)

I am starting to look back at these posts and I realize I am coming across as almost bipolar. I am sorry to those of you who read this, not sure why you would, but to inform you, I am not bipolar. I just have some really good days and then some really bad ones. I tell you how I see it, feel it, and how it is.

Today, unfortunately was one of the worst. I will leave out the details for confidential reasons, but let's just say, it was not a good day. I know this is LA, and this happens all the time, and for goodness sake, this is just a temp position. But still, it still hurt. I did not see my last day coming to an end like that. I thought for sure it would have been better.

I called my parents to tell them how upset I was and how awful my day was. The tears finally flowed. I felt like such an idiot. I can handle this, I can be tough, but at that moment, i felt anything but.

I know this week will get better, and that time will tell where I go next. I know, too, that this was a blessing in disguise because I was truly not meant to be there full time. Everything happens for a reason, and I need to trust that. I need to trust God, and this is a trying moment for me.

I gave God my future out here, and I know this all must be part of the plan, but it is so hard to trust the unknown. I am scared, and I feel so inadequate. I don't want this obstacle to change me or lead me to questioning the dream out here, but it is hard to stay positive today.

Why did I come out here? I don't have much to fall back on. More than anything, I want my family here to hug me and tell me it is alright. Where did I go wrong? Is this dream worth it? Is this idea I have of my life worth leaving my friends and family for over 3000 miles to work towards? Why can I not just be happy by living at home? I am never satisfied. When I am at home, I want to be somewhere else. When I am in FL, I know I am leaving and work there is not enough. When I am in LA, I want to be home. What am I not content with where I am!? Why?!

Why is it for every step forward I feel there is another leap back? I do not want to second guess myself or my abilities, but it is really hard not too right now. Am I that inadequate I lasted a month? Are my dreams bigger than what I can actually achieve? Why is it that I am never content?

I will stop with the self pity, but today just escalated these doubts that have been on my mind anyway. Randy Pausch, of the Last Lecture, summarizes it perfectly, "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough." Is this really what I want? I am trying hard to penetrate this wall of the Studios, and I look forward to when it breaks.I know I will come out stronger and laugh at this, but right now it is not that funny.

The only humor I could find with this situation, is that it actually parallels Conan's late-night Jay Leno/NBC situation. Think about it...

- I take over a new role for someone who wasn't working out and going on to something new.
- I was told I would be there for a longer period of time.
- Then suddenly, due to "business" reasons, I am being let go early.
- Not only that, but the person to fill my spot was the original person who held this position (like Jay coming back for 11:30).
- In the end, I have to leave the company all together in hopes of finding another path.

Does that make sense? I feel you Conan!

Right now, everything seems so confusing and cloudy, but I hope it will one day become clear. Until then, I will leave you with Randy Pausch's quote, which perfectly summarizes the situation. I am leaving here with experience, so I have not failed. To that I am completely grateful. Sorry for the downtrodden entry, but I had to get it out.

"Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted." -Randy Pausch

My Meaning Behind Easter Sunday

Easter has come and gone, but I have yet to discuss what I want on the topic. So here is my chance.

As I have previously written, it is no secret that I am going through some serious religious questioning now in my life. No, I am not denouncing God, and no, I am not trying to convert. I am seriously taking what I have grown up with and trying to put in into my own personal terms, my own opinions, my own beliefs. I want to make sure that I believe what I believe because it's true and I choose to do it, not because I have grown up on it. I greatly admire those who live their lives with conviction, and I want do do the same. Live life with certainty.

Anyway, Easter is the most important holiday in the Christian calendar; the Holiest of days. Usually this holiday is spent with family, well, since I have been in college, I don't think I have been home for Easter in the last 5 years. Luckily, in LA, I have some family out here. I was looking forward to spending the time and holiday with them; but I couldn't help but feel like a complete stranger at some point.

In terms of attending church, I come from a very traditional and colonial background. My church is serious and not always uplifting; it is the message for why we attend, not entertainment. Well, in CA, that is quite opposite. Going to church out here is like attending a concert. There is a full band, stage, no pulpit, no formal robes, casual dress, and tv monitors within the sanctuary to broadcast the service like a tv event.

Nothing is wrong with that at all, but it is quite opposite of what I am used too. Also, my aunt and uncle attend church on Saturday evenings. So for both Palm Sunday and Easter, we went in the afternoon on Saturdays. I felt like I was completely out of my element and it scared me. Then the actual service was intimating too. Everyone spoke or worshiped with such energy and passion. I admired their ability to be so open about their faith, and it bothered me that I wasn't.

Then I got to thinking... maybe I am intimidated by this openness because I am not sure what I believe as much as I thought. They all had the absolute certainty in what they believed and how they worshipped, and I am having issues with that at the moment. During the Easter service, it was so energetic and uplifting, but I responded in quite a different fashion. The fact that I am having doubts and constantly second guessing has struck me to my core. It has got me so off guard that when Easter was so certain, and I was not, I felt like an idiot for not feeling the same way, as if I have gone wrong somewhere, so i started to cry small tears in church. To some, I guess it looked like I was celebrating, but little did they know.

I have no idea what I am expecting to happen to me or what is to come out of this. I am so rattled by the fact I am insecure about my faith, on top of my move to LA, work, a new apt, no immediate family, no friends... it all came on top of me. Church seemed like the cherry on top of a growing pile of uncertainty.

As a result of my questions and insecurities, I called my high school friend who is super religious. She gave me some good perspective, and it felt great to talk that openly about something so personal to me. That was big for me, because I have never been able to do that. I feel awful and guilty even questioning anything about God, but I know He will listen.

Anyway, I have started to take it upon myself to do some research into more of Christianity and compare it to other faiths like Judiasm. I want to know why Christians are so certain Jesus is the Savior, and Judiasm is so certain he is not. Why? I don't understand. If the Jews are certain Jesus is not the Savior, then what are they waiting for? Why not Jesus? And for Christians, how are we so sure ourselves? Then the bigger issue is can you surrender your life to the Ultimate power? That is really gutsy! I have prayed many, many nights about this subject asking that God reveal the truth to me. Sometimes I feel he doesn't answer, but then I know he does because each morning when I wake, I feel more and more certain he is around me. It is so strange, but comforting. There is this energy that I just feel really close too when I go through my day, and I have to believe it is Him.

So that is where I am at in terms of my beliefs. Where is the proof or what are the circumstances, and how strongly do I show this belief? I am not one to rub it in people's faces, I think that is wrong, but I try to show it through the way I practice and live my life: my values, qualities, behavior , etc. I will let you know what I discover as I run into it.

Let me get back to Easter. Although we had church on Saturday, I still had an interesting Sunday. The Easter Bunny came and got me some treats! We died Easter eggs and had an Easter Egg Hunt (despite the strong opposition to it). We had an amazing Ham dinner with corn, potato casserole, and wine.

My favorite part of the day was talking to my family on the phone. It is when you are away from the family and on an important holiday tradition, you realize how important they are and how much you miss them. I talked to my cousins, my grandmothers, my aunt and uncles and then my siblings. When I talked to my parents, I got upset and cried, because I am such a family oriented person, and I was not with them and doing other traditions, that I felt lonely and isolated. I wanted to be near what was familiar to me, but instead I find myself in a new environment with new people. I was just homesick for what was familiar.

Easter this year was very insightful for me. I learned a lot of what I do NOT know rather than what I do. I am pushing myself spiritually and intellectually to find what is right to me. I love my extended family out here, and without them this move would not be possible, but it doesn't diminish the fact I miss home.

Oh! I forgot the biggest part! There was an earthquake that shook the whole southern California. It was perfect timing, because in service, we talked how the "earth shook" when Jesus arose from the dead. Suddenly, on Easter afternoon there was an Earthquake that was the largest in 17 years. I was coming out of the shower, and I thought I lost my balance when I realized it was an earthquake! The funny thing was, just a moment before that happened, I looked out the window to the sky by the shower and said to God, "I hope you are with me." Then the earth shook. Coincidence? Maybe, but I would like to think not.

After it happened, I thought just how quickly life could turn on you like that. If that earthquake was like Haiti's or Chile's, my life could have been snatched away in an instant. It was the first time in a long time, I felt small and completely out of control. As much as we like to think we are the greatest power on Earth, we lose sight just how much we are in the hands of Mother Nature, or in my beliefs, God's power.

That was my initiation to California, and the complete recollection of my Easter Sunday, and what it meant to me. I feel this is the most personal post I have ever written. I feel really vulnerable typing this, just like the girl in the picture above. I do feel Overexposed, but that is the point, isn't it?

Expect to Much?

One of the greatest relationships in my life, or the most sacred to me, are my friendships. I have been blessed to have many friends in my life, although that was never the case in my early childhood. I moved around many times before settling in NJ. By the age of ten, I moved 8 times, including Japan, and went to 15 different schools. Crazy I know, but that was my life. That is why my family is so close, and that is also a reason why I value friendships.

It was so hard to make friends for me because I knew I was going to leave them at some point. I know that being an independent and slightly odd kid never helped, but it was really hard to make and keep a friend. Luckily we settled in NJ, and I was really able to find a select core of girl friends. Some last till this day, others do not. In college, I made a handful of friends, but only one or two that are lasting friendships. Then of course, Disney, happened. I have a core group of 20 or so people that I talk to on a regular basis, and they have all enriched my lives tremendously. It amazes me within the last 3 years, my friends' geographical locations have spread from Chatham, NJ all the way into international borders in Brazil, Dominican Republic, Germany, Norway, New Zealand and Australia. That amazes me, I am truly blessed.

However, despite how rich in location I am with friends, I would really only say I have 5 core, best friends, who are my closest confidants (you know who you are). I am unsure if these 5 people are aware, but I keep my friendships at a high level because I never take a friendship for granted. To be a best friend comes with responsibility as well as exciting times and great joy. I would be lost without my best friends, I owe them everything. I would definitely not be the person I am today were it not for those who have stuck by me.

Having that be said, I have come to realize that maybe I am expecting way too much from my friends. I come from a family of high expectations and I have carried that into my relationships. I don't mean for it to happen, it's just automatic.

I feel I am a really good friend. I deeply care for them, and I would do anything for them. I make my affections known fairly often, especially in times of great distance, and I try hard to keep in touch as often as possible. I know that I make a good friend, and I feel that is one of my life's greatest duties. I just hope that my friends would do that for me in return.

Lately, I have been having a lot of excessive thought about my friendships. I think the move to LA is getting me really, really nervous because I am leaving my best friends and family behind for the unknown future. I just want to make sure that everything at home is good and stable before I leave, because if my core foundation is solid, then I can be solid away from home.

I have been realizing just how different each of my core friendships are from one another. I was told recently that "each friendship fills a different role in our lives", so naturally, each one varies. I must agree with this. One friend is the goofy, silly person to laugh with, as another is based on guidance and helps evaluate life's situations, while another is a friendship of venting about family, issues etc. And since each one has a different role, the frequency of which I talk to them also varies. With some of my best friends, I can go a few weeks to two months without talking. It doesn't mean anything is wrong, it just means we are balanced and alright with where we stand.

I don't have to talk to some person every single day, yet, with other friendships, it really bothers me if I do not talk to them at least once a week. One of my most cherished friendships is just that. I get mad if I don't hear from that person after a few days. And I get mad that I get mad! It shouldn't bother me if I don't hear from someone as often as I would like; but it does. I guess I just get scared of the distance, especially when I know there was no distance in the past. I don't like the idea of not knowing what is going on in my friend's life, not matter who it is.

This also brings up another point... The difference between girl and guy friends is something I am still learning. I never really had any real guy friends, so when I found some in college, I treated them with the same expectations I had with any of my girl friendships. Was this wrong? I still don't know. I have come to realize that boys are just wayyyyy more private than girls are, and guys don't like to chat about stuff. For a girl, this is the core of the friendship...being able to confide in one another. I am still learning that guys usually just want someone to hang with rather than respond too. Does that seem accurate?

If that is true, then I cannot help but get insecure of how the friendship will last if I move away. If I am no longer physically near my guy friends, are they going to stop talking to me? I hope not, that is why I like to hear exactly how they feel about the situation. Is that asking too much?

I think I do have expectations that are really high for my friendships, because I know I would be that person in return. If I would be there for someone, I would expect they do the same. Maybe I should just hope. I have gotten burned in the past a lot with this issue. Keeping in touch, which I am awesome at, and others are not. When do I become overbearing or too intrusive? For a girl, it is really hard to be too intrusive or trying too hard to keep in touch. However, with a guy... I think that anything can almost be taken as too intrusive. I am struggling to find this balance.

One of the hardest things for me to admit to myself is that I cannot make someone change. I cannot make them be friends with me. I have learned this the hard way many times through trying to befriend the popular click in middle school, the theater click in high school, trying to get my hs crush to be a meaningful friendship today, etc.

If I lose a friend, I need to learn to just let it go, and I can't. I cannot let people leave or exit my life. They have come into it, so naturally, they must stay. I cannot let things go. When I feel a friend becomes more distant, I do not accept it and give them space, I try everything in my power to fix the situation. This includes phone calls, texts, emails, anything to keep them close.

It is the worst feeling knowing someone is slipping away, and I am powerless to stop it. This powerless feeling is what I fear, it is what I want to avoid. Thus, I try stay active in my friend's life. I fear being alone and friendless.

I know this may be a bit possessive, and I am working on it. As of right now, I am trying really hard to keep my friendships at a balanced level. It is hard with temptations like FB, and Twitter, and Gchat, AIM and others. It is so easy to follow what is going on in your life electronically, but I miss hearing your voice. The voice is the best and truest form of communication. For my girls, we have a mutual understanding that is implied in our relationship of when to talk. I am not concerned for my girl friendships to last.

As for my guys, I am trying to relax and not be all up in your business. I do not want to lose you at all, but it makes it hard not knowing how you feel about the situation. If I am overbearing, I am sorry; I am not as uptight as I used to be. I send the occasional text, but that's it. Please know that I do not mean any harm, I am just trying to look out for you like any friend would. My friendships are sooo important to me, that I do not want them to end. I hate knowing that things change, people change, and life changes, but if the friendship is true, it will last through anything. I just hate not being around you all the time because friends are my family, and I always miss you.

Based on that, do I have high expectations? I guess I do. The expectation to keep in touch, to talk, to update me when something big happens, yea i guess that is a lot. I just like to know that I am important to someone. I like being the one you confide in. I love the idea of knowing someone so well that they eventually know you better than you know yourself. Obviously, I could talk about this for hours, but I will spare you.

I miss you all. I miss my 5 closest friends, who range in location from RI, AL, FL, and MA, at all times. As for my other friends, Thank you for everything. One of my favorite songs from Wicked reflects on friendship, and I feel it is very fitting. I have left the lyrics for you to read.

Wicked - For Good

(Elphaba) I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...

(Glinda) I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda) Because I knew you

(Both) I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda) Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba) Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both) Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda) And because I knew you...

(Elphaba) Because I knew you...

(Both) Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

Body Types

I was doing some body research the other day, and I came across a quiz to discover my personal body type. I completed it and came up with these results: Mesomorph Body Type. There are three body types: mesomorph, endomorph and ectomorph. Each mean different things. However, I am not one to really look into personal appearance, heck, I don't even wear makeup unless I have too, but I am not alone when I say I am trying to understand how I look. I am not an insecure person, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have some insecurities.

We live in a society where appearance seems to be everything. You cannot go through the grocery store without seeing bikini body magazines or read the newspaper without mentioning childhood obesity. Face it, we are in the middle of a strong body image crisis in the country. It is a struggle, especially for girls, to accept your body despite its flaws because we have constant imagery telling us what is meant to be beautiful. Although things are starting to change, like ad campaigns from Dove, it doesn't mean the implications are any less severe.

Okay, done preaching. I was really just curious as to what my body type was so I could understand why I am different than some of my friends. I am tall, curvy and athletic. I am proud to say, that I am NOT a size 2, but a size 10. Take it or leave it, I have come to terms that I will never be super skinny, nor do I want to be. I like being athletic because it is a HEALTHY body type. A mesomorph body type just that... healthy. I am proud of that.

I know that my eating habits are different than my friends'. I eat pretty much whatever I like. I do not like to reject foods that I like for the sake of trying to be skinny. I eat what I like and I eat it often. However, when I am in Florida for example, my friends feel I do not eat enough at one sitting. I like to snack and pace how I eat. I do not like to over stuff myself. Then when I am in New Jersey, my friends believe I eat a lot when we are together, although the amount I eat is exactly the same! It is funny how people perceive things differently.

That is exactly the point. Since everyone sees something differently, it is up to you and only you to be okay with your body. I am not very food conscious because I like to work it off. Luckily my body type is lean and more meaty, so I do not gain or lose weight too easily (which stinks if I do want to lose weight, it is hard for me to do so.). I was heavier when I was younger, but I always knew I was never going to be a model. The only modeling I have ever wanted to do is Hair Modeling. I think the industry could use some natural blondes! :D

I also hate jean shopping! I like to shop for dresses and shirts, but not jeans. So many choices, but jeans today are not made with the curvy, tall, hipped girl in mind. It's all skinny this, low rise that, no hip this. ugh. It makes me so depressed sometimes. I think one of the lowest points for me and body was with Abercrombie and Fitch my senior year in high school. I went into the store with, at the time my best friend, who was 5'2" and SUPER skinny, like a string bean, and she knew it. Anyway, I was standing next to her at the check out line when she was told she could model for A&F.

I soon said, "Well I am tall, I could do this too."

"Uhh, noo. You are too big and heavy. You are not what we want to represent us," they retorted.

I couldn't believe it! I don't think you are allowed to talk to a consumer like that. I have never been back since. As if growing up tall doesn't make you feel like a freak already as a kid, being told that made it worse. I am completely over it, and I am proud to say that I would never want to be stick skinny. This is why I love sports. I am surrounded by girls who are healthy and all shapes and sizes. I have found my identity in sports for that reason, especially volleyball. All girls in that sport are over 6' and athletic. I am on the small side in my world in sport and in family ( I am the shortest in my family).

I think accepting who or what you look like is a part of growing older. As long as the advertising and image promotions are around, I know this issue will never go away, and heck, I am sure I will have the same insecurities my whole life, but it just matters how you deal with them.

So my goal for my body... be healthy. I want to be toned and fit rather than skinny. Although getting toned is a hard task, it is what my body type needs. I could care less about my weight as a number (163 if you wanted to know), because the number doesn't show how healthy you are for your particular body. If I could have my ideal body, I would be 150-155 lbs and toned. I am thinking of starting to pick up yoga or dancing; something different other than weights. That I will decide later.

Point is, be happy and comfortable with who you are. I am not perfect, and I still have insecurities. I found a notebook entry I wrote when I was 13, which stated what I loved and hated about myself. Funny enough, the results were exactly the same as they are today. For example, you will not see me in a bikini on the beach because I feel so uncomfortable in one. I do not like my upper body, especially my stomach. I know that my dreams of six pack abs are probably not in the cards for me (thanks genetics) as they are my sister. I really like my lower body, including my legs and feet, as well as my facial features and hair color. My hair separates me from others. When I was little, I got teased pretty badly about my differences (especially living in Japan), and I would come home saying I was going to dye my hair black when I got older. Now, you will never see me dye it! I own it, and I love it.

I am just happy to say that I do understand a little more, based on the results, why I am the way I am in terms of a physical body. I just wish that society will start to accept even tall, athletic girls in the mainstream. Many don't know, but Marilyn Monroe was actually a size 10 going to 16 at times! Time to bring that back. Athletica is a clothing catalogue made for athletic girls and modeled by athletic women. Check it out. Look at Lindsay Vonn, the Olympic skier. I could guarantee you she is not size 2, but curvy, athletic, and beautiful!

Anyway... longer entry than I anticipated. This is to all my fellow tall girls out there! Forget the media! Size 10 all the way!