My Meaning Behind Easter Sunday

Easter has come and gone, but I have yet to discuss what I want on the topic. So here is my chance.

As I have previously written, it is no secret that I am going through some serious religious questioning now in my life. No, I am not denouncing God, and no, I am not trying to convert. I am seriously taking what I have grown up with and trying to put in into my own personal terms, my own opinions, my own beliefs. I want to make sure that I believe what I believe because it's true and I choose to do it, not because I have grown up on it. I greatly admire those who live their lives with conviction, and I want do do the same. Live life with certainty.

Anyway, Easter is the most important holiday in the Christian calendar; the Holiest of days. Usually this holiday is spent with family, well, since I have been in college, I don't think I have been home for Easter in the last 5 years. Luckily, in LA, I have some family out here. I was looking forward to spending the time and holiday with them; but I couldn't help but feel like a complete stranger at some point.

In terms of attending church, I come from a very traditional and colonial background. My church is serious and not always uplifting; it is the message for why we attend, not entertainment. Well, in CA, that is quite opposite. Going to church out here is like attending a concert. There is a full band, stage, no pulpit, no formal robes, casual dress, and tv monitors within the sanctuary to broadcast the service like a tv event.

Nothing is wrong with that at all, but it is quite opposite of what I am used too. Also, my aunt and uncle attend church on Saturday evenings. So for both Palm Sunday and Easter, we went in the afternoon on Saturdays. I felt like I was completely out of my element and it scared me. Then the actual service was intimating too. Everyone spoke or worshiped with such energy and passion. I admired their ability to be so open about their faith, and it bothered me that I wasn't.

Then I got to thinking... maybe I am intimidated by this openness because I am not sure what I believe as much as I thought. They all had the absolute certainty in what they believed and how they worshipped, and I am having issues with that at the moment. During the Easter service, it was so energetic and uplifting, but I responded in quite a different fashion. The fact that I am having doubts and constantly second guessing has struck me to my core. It has got me so off guard that when Easter was so certain, and I was not, I felt like an idiot for not feeling the same way, as if I have gone wrong somewhere, so i started to cry small tears in church. To some, I guess it looked like I was celebrating, but little did they know.

I have no idea what I am expecting to happen to me or what is to come out of this. I am so rattled by the fact I am insecure about my faith, on top of my move to LA, work, a new apt, no immediate family, no friends... it all came on top of me. Church seemed like the cherry on top of a growing pile of uncertainty.

As a result of my questions and insecurities, I called my high school friend who is super religious. She gave me some good perspective, and it felt great to talk that openly about something so personal to me. That was big for me, because I have never been able to do that. I feel awful and guilty even questioning anything about God, but I know He will listen.

Anyway, I have started to take it upon myself to do some research into more of Christianity and compare it to other faiths like Judiasm. I want to know why Christians are so certain Jesus is the Savior, and Judiasm is so certain he is not. Why? I don't understand. If the Jews are certain Jesus is not the Savior, then what are they waiting for? Why not Jesus? And for Christians, how are we so sure ourselves? Then the bigger issue is can you surrender your life to the Ultimate power? That is really gutsy! I have prayed many, many nights about this subject asking that God reveal the truth to me. Sometimes I feel he doesn't answer, but then I know he does because each morning when I wake, I feel more and more certain he is around me. It is so strange, but comforting. There is this energy that I just feel really close too when I go through my day, and I have to believe it is Him.

So that is where I am at in terms of my beliefs. Where is the proof or what are the circumstances, and how strongly do I show this belief? I am not one to rub it in people's faces, I think that is wrong, but I try to show it through the way I practice and live my life: my values, qualities, behavior , etc. I will let you know what I discover as I run into it.

Let me get back to Easter. Although we had church on Saturday, I still had an interesting Sunday. The Easter Bunny came and got me some treats! We died Easter eggs and had an Easter Egg Hunt (despite the strong opposition to it). We had an amazing Ham dinner with corn, potato casserole, and wine.

My favorite part of the day was talking to my family on the phone. It is when you are away from the family and on an important holiday tradition, you realize how important they are and how much you miss them. I talked to my cousins, my grandmothers, my aunt and uncles and then my siblings. When I talked to my parents, I got upset and cried, because I am such a family oriented person, and I was not with them and doing other traditions, that I felt lonely and isolated. I wanted to be near what was familiar to me, but instead I find myself in a new environment with new people. I was just homesick for what was familiar.

Easter this year was very insightful for me. I learned a lot of what I do NOT know rather than what I do. I am pushing myself spiritually and intellectually to find what is right to me. I love my extended family out here, and without them this move would not be possible, but it doesn't diminish the fact I miss home.

Oh! I forgot the biggest part! There was an earthquake that shook the whole southern California. It was perfect timing, because in service, we talked how the "earth shook" when Jesus arose from the dead. Suddenly, on Easter afternoon there was an Earthquake that was the largest in 17 years. I was coming out of the shower, and I thought I lost my balance when I realized it was an earthquake! The funny thing was, just a moment before that happened, I looked out the window to the sky by the shower and said to God, "I hope you are with me." Then the earth shook. Coincidence? Maybe, but I would like to think not.

After it happened, I thought just how quickly life could turn on you like that. If that earthquake was like Haiti's or Chile's, my life could have been snatched away in an instant. It was the first time in a long time, I felt small and completely out of control. As much as we like to think we are the greatest power on Earth, we lose sight just how much we are in the hands of Mother Nature, or in my beliefs, God's power.

That was my initiation to California, and the complete recollection of my Easter Sunday, and what it meant to me. I feel this is the most personal post I have ever written. I feel really vulnerable typing this, just like the girl in the picture above. I do feel Overexposed, but that is the point, isn't it?

Finding My Purpose

As you know, I have been going through some times of questioning everything. As I know this is a lifetime quest, I am really starting to feel I am gaining some ground in the religious aspect of my life.

I have been raised to have a core faith in God, and I do, but like everyone else, sometimes I struggle in maintaining a strong relationship with Him. Well, to help me with this journey I have been reading a book meant to help me find my purpose in life called The Purpose Driven Life. I didn't have the intention of reading it, but I found it on my book case after I published one of my previous entries, so I took it as a sign to read. I opened it, and I saw that my Dad left notes in it from my 18th birthday. It was some encouragement that I needed.

Although it is very Christian and sometimes a bit much in its message, it has some really great points. You are supposed to read a chapter/lesson a day (only about 5 pages) to help you really question and ponder about its points. So far, I am in chapter 12, and it has been going well. I gain more insight from some and less from others, but overall, I already feel like I am back on track.

One of the lessons that I believe is that nothing is an accident. Everything is planned or has a purpose. As much as I want to admit that I am in control of my life, just look at it. Look at what I great job I am doing then. No job, stuck, trying to find a direction...basically lost. I have come to terms that if I want to succeed I need to trust. Trust that everything happens for a reason. I tell that to my friends, so why should it not be true for me?

For example, I need to trust that I went to BU for a reason. I didn't want to stay there when I was an actual student, but there was obviously a reason for why I was there. Although I do not understand it now, I will see it in due course. One quote says, "You may choose your career, your spouse, your hobbies, and many others parts of your life, but you don't get to choose your purpose." (page 21). I believe that is true. My purpose is what I am trying to find. It is just hard to do this because we live in a society that says you are defined by what you do; your purpose is a label that stems from how you occupy your time. Right? I am a carpenter, I am a businessman. We often lose sight that our jobs are not our only purpose, so we should not define ourselves by that. It is just part of who we are, not what we are.

Perhaps one of the biggest breakthroughs I have had is with the fact "you are always being tested." The book further states, "Sometimes god intentionally draws back, and we don't sense his closeness." Isn't that what I complained about in the past? Maybe this whole loss for direction is all a test I didn't realize it. Perhaps it is a test of my character, maybe to reveal a weakness, and to be prepared for more responsibility. If faith is a foundation in which all of life's principles rest, and I am having doubts or a shaky foundation, then how can I possibly be successful with life? I need to fix myself first, I need to strengthen my core. I was tested to get to that point. This was a big breakthrough for me.

Even just by realizing this, I feel as if I am getting back on track. I hate failing at anything in life, any challenge, any test. I will study till I pass! I also know that God would not give me a test greater than my ability to handle it. I know I can overcome what comes my way despite how tough it may be. For the first time in a while, I feel like I am moving forward in some aspect of my life. Thank goodness... or thank God (literally).

Religious Questioning

As I previously stated, I seem to be going through a phase in life where I am questioning everything. It is not that I doubt a lot of my beliefs, I just want to make sure that I stand strong in them. This even includes my religion.

I was confirmed in the Presbyterian Church in 2002. It was a good moment in my life, and I was confident in my decision, especially after my specific experience or what I interpreted it as my "encounter" with God several months before. That was during my freshman year in high school, and it was a tough year. Some events from that year included: beginning high school, Sept 11th, family member diagnosed with leukemia, and becoming a serious athlete. So naturally during this time, I questioned my religion, more of what my relationship with God truly was. I often resented my classmates who were just going through the motions because it was expected by their parents. It was for me too, but I really tried to challenge myself. By the time of my confirmation, I felt so strong and set in my faith.

Since then, yes, faith has always been a core aspect to my life. I think of it as a glue, without it, I would fall apart. Without faith how can one get through the tough times or rejoice in the glorious? However, faith can mean all different kinds of things to various people. Faith does not associate you to a set religious organization, but defines you as more spiritual. As I have gone through college, I have learned that there is a difference between spirituality and religion. I never knew of this because of my home town being mostly Catholic, and being Christian was just part of the norm.

In college, I took an Eastern Religions class where I learned about Taoism, Confucianism, Hinduism, Muslim, and Buddhism. I was totally intrigued by this. Not that I am denying my own beliefs, but I was excited to know there are so many other ways to feel a greater purpose in life. In this class, our semester's purpose, was to define what the "ultimate purpose" was. To this day, it is something I constantly think about.

I am proud to be a Christian because I believe in its moral code, the goodness in people, the way we respect one another. What I do not like about the religion is how strict, closed-minded, rigid, and imposing it can be. I am open to exploring and understanding other beliefs because it gives me a sense of confidence in what I believe.

However, lately, I seem to have lost a sense of confidence in my faith. Maybe it is just due to the crazy, unpredictable times I am currently facing in life, or maybe it's something else I have yet to understand. Not one event has made me feel this way, but just a bunch of small things. One being, when I was in FL, many of my friends are either, A. not that religious, or B. of a different belief system. For the first time, I really felt like I was a minority. I have never been comfortable talking about my relationship with God because I take it personally, and I do not believe on imposing my ideas on others. I believe that most of being a Christian is defined through the way you live your life, not a matter of what you say to others. So I kept a lot of this doubt to myself, and it seems to have gotten worse, especially when I left FL.

Another reason for questioning is when I went church in FL, I did not agree with everything that was being said. I am not sure if this was due to a geological difference or not, but just because I viewed something differently, does that mean I am any less of a Christian? I do not believe so.

I also cannot stand the negative stereotype that comes with being religious. I hate it being used against me. No, I do not attend or have attended a Bible study every night where we sit around the campfire and pray. So just get that intense practice image out of your head. It isn't me. Just because I try to live my life with a good foundation does not mean I am not open to other ideas. I believe I am more flexible and open to interpretation with my spirituality. I even thought about going to various religious leaders and asking them about their faith i.e. a Rabbi for Judiasm.

Speaking of Judiasm, I have become more and more intrigued about this religion. I am trying to understand it as much as possible. I know it is one set by rules, and expectations, but for it being the "parent" of the Christian faith, I find it a bit ignorant to one not explore its message.

Can I be honest for a sec? This is hard for me to admit, but that is what this blog is for, right? Well even as I write about this sensitive subject, I am afraid to mention Jesus. It is taking a lot for me not to delete his name from this entry, and I have no idea why. I am unsure of him at the moment, I guess. Is it wrong to feel closer to God rather than Jesus? Or does Jesus come first? Why? I hope to get this all figured out.

Anyway, I know that I have a firm belief in God, and every relationship has ups and downs. Some of these other "down" factors have been deaths in the family, a loss for direction in my current life, losing jobs, and just being in a time of uncertainty; all of these naturally lead to religious questioning.

I believe faith is a very personal journey, and it is often hard for me to talk about it openly. However, I just want to make sure my faith remains strong with conviction, and that I find my purpose or my life's destined path sooner rather than later. And as I go through this period, I do not want anyone to think negatively of me, I hope others would form their opinion of me from all various aspects of my life as I do them.

Sorry if I rambled, it just helps to say it all as I feel. So for now, I am soul searching... searching for explanations, answers, confirmation, and God's voice.

Questioning Everything

As we grow older it is only natural that we question the world that we live in. For many people, this time of questioning is during their teenage years. For me, well, I think I am going through it now. I am not sure why now, but for some reason, I have been questioning anything and everything.

Growing up, I have had a very curious mind. I love to understand the details of life from psychology to weather. I have always been the one to ask the questions in class above everyone else. Even currently, my friends call me 20Q because of the frequency I question things. "I am thirsty for knowledge," says my mom, but what I think I am really after is the truth. Not to get all XFiles on you, but I want to know what is the right way to perceive the world.

That may sound like an impossible task as there is no one way to see the world. But, I want to form a very educated pov so as I grow older, I know I am making the most informed decisions. This approach will cover every topic from religion, politics, friendship, science, leisure, and more.

I am not sure why this questioning is coming about now, in this time of my life, this time of year, but it has. As a teenager, I have always been very obedient accepting that the truth comes from those who are older than me. I never tried to prove it wrong, whether that was my mother and her political beliefs, or confirmation class in church. Parents, teachers, pastors... they are my main source of opinions, well, were.

I think that because I have been going through a very strong soul searching period in my life, if I am going to question my future, I have to challenge everything I know. Since graduation in May, I have been struggling to form my own opinion on issues such as gay marriage, christianity, and conservatism. I have always had an answer to those topics, but for the first time, I am unsure if I think that way because I want/choose too, or if it is because of my upbringing. That thought has sent a chill down my spine, because I do NOT want to go through life knowing that my opinion was formed solely by others. I need to know that I feel that way because I CHOSE to do it. Thus, to escape the sheltered box of my upbringing, I am now questioning everything.

I get a lot of crap about how I was brought up sometimes from others because it was very conservative, small town minded. I know that concept creates a stereotype of who I am, how others will see me when we meet for the first time. It is an image that I am not comfortable with, especially if that is the way people perceive me.

I do not want to be known as the sheltered girl anymore. I want to break free from it. It sucks knowing that a lot of life has been experienced through an invisible cage. There are many that see this in me, and turn it into a huge fault, and use it as a reason to not help me out, to ignore me, to not like me. If I ever saw someone like that, I would love to teach them about life. I take it personally when people use my background against me.

I am trying to shatter this image without sacrificing the values that I believe. I want to form my own opinions, and I want to find my own voice. BUT, I cannot do this alone. I have been lucky enough to have some true individuals in my life. They live the life the way they want, and I learn from them. I do not want to be around the same cookie-cutter image of Chatham, NJ. That is why I have friends like Allan and James, who are unique individuals, and I love them. That is what I want to become: my own individual.

I think that all of this is challenging life is a direct result from the stage of uncertainty I am currently living. With tough economic times, I am not sure what the future holds, or where I am going. The only thing I have control over is how I choose to see the world. I guess I am going through my teenage angst rather late in life, but later is better than never.

I cannot break free of this sheltered image without help, so if you know me, please know that I am open to learn. I want people to understand that I have a very open mind, and that I love to listen about other ways of life. If we do not have things in common, then what better way to learn about each other? Please do not see me for my past, but for what I am trying to become.

Here is to finding my new voice, my new opinions... here is to questioning everything.