Different People, All the Same Questions

I went home at the end of July and I met up with some of my high school friends. I had a great time, but I am starting to feel the difference in time and distance spent away from them. Usually it used to feel like when I saw them, it was just like old times. Now, as we come into our own people, I am realizing that I do not know them as much as I used too. So when I met up with them this one night, I realized that even though we are different people, we were all going through the same things in different ways.

Our girl's night ended up bringing up they usual topics: boys, school, family, etc.. But what surprised me about this night was just how much we are starting to really contemplate our futures. No longer are the decision we make just because we want too. I feel like all of us are really starting to think about the future, and being young women, what do we choose for jobs, our future families, and where we want to settle.

I was surprised on how we all connected on trying to figure out where we want to settle. This is as much a mystery as it is to them. Personally, I have no clue where I want to end up, but definitely not California. I have been thinking a lot lately about the East Coast all the way to the South, but especially abroad. For the girls, some of them were also thinking the south as well as places they have never been too before. I was surprised at this because I always thought they would want to stay NorthEast forever and ever, guess not. The idea that I am not the only one trying to figure things out was comforting and really good to know. It was nice to know we are all considering many of the same things.

Of course the "boy relationship" conversations came up, and that was interesting. Some were starting to contemplate engagement, others were not. Regardless of our relationship status, we all were thinking about our futures as women. Do we want a career vs. stay at home mom? Do we want the best of both worlds? Is it really possible to have it all? I of course would love to say, yes to this, but seeing how much of a balance I have with it just being me, I can't imagine trying it with a family.

We all want a family of our own, there is no denying that. I am just shocked as to how much this matters in my decision making process because 5 years ago, I never really considered it. Now, what will happen in our futures are huge deals for us, and obviously life changers. Personally, I want a career more than anything right now. I want to go up the ladder and make a name for myself. But that is only until I want/have a family of my own. I know I want kids, and a big family, but I am unsure of what I will do in terms of a career. Deep down, I have a feeling that I will become a stay-at-home mom, like my mother was, but maybe just have a side business or projects to work on as well. I want to have a great family that is close, settled, and rooted in a good neighborhood lifestyle. I obviously cannot make this decision now, but just starting to even think about it seriously is a huge deal in all of our minds.

I guess overall, the thing that us as young women are dealing with are all the same. We know that life is ours for the taking now, and we can do what we want. But what we struggle with is how much do we let the unknown future affect our decision making process? That is one tough question, but I am glad I am not facing it alone.

It was also great to understand that even though we come from the same background, town, high school, group of friends, etc, we have such different lives. Not one of our lives are the same. That is so exciting. I look forward to what the future brings, but I am also scared to see it come true. We go forwards with no idea of what will come, but we have our dreams, and we have our questions. Hopefully we will find answers on the way.

Can you Outgrow Your Dreams?

(Monday 913- Sunday 9/19)

I do not want this post to sound sad or depressing, but this has been a thought on my mind for quite some time. I guess with the natural string of events the last few weeks of not getting into the Studios as I wanted and adjusting to my new routine of not going to the office for the first time in six months, it makes me wonder about a lot of issues.

About two or three posts ago, I wrote a question and said it would be a new post. This is it. The question I wrote was: Is what I wanted still what I want? This is such a key question in my thought process and it does make me wonder. Do we ever outgrow our dreams?

I would like to say the answer is "no" to the later, but I would like to sit on this for a minute. When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was be a doctor. In high school, I became an EMT for five years, and I realized as much as I love anatomy, psychology and medicine, it was not what I was passionate about. I could be good at it, but not great. My next passion was entertainment. I pursued it in college and I fell in love with it. I felt right at home in the studio sets and new I had an act for it. What I am getting to is... I did not outgrow my doctor dream, I just matured from it and chose a different path.

In terms of me working for Disney, this is where it gets tricky. I have loved Disney since childhood, and have not had a passion working for any other company since. It has always been my goal to get to Burbank and work for the Studios. With a lot of work and opportunity, I was able to do so over the last 6 months, but it has still been an up and down roller coaster. I have realized working at the Studios is not all I thought it could be. I loved working in Production, but I felt my talents were not being used. I have been told by HR in order to work for the studios, I need to leave Disney, get experience and come back. I tend to do that, but I almost feel like I am betraying the company by looking elsewhere.

Should I consider working in another department of the company just because it is Disney even though it may not be what I ultimately want to do, or, do I go after what I want with another company and return? Still playing with this question.

Anyway, I feel like I accomplished some of my dreams within the last few months. I worked at the studios. I accomplished working in Production, and I accomplished getting to my #1 Hollywood goal: the Pirates set. Now what? Have I outgrown my dream of working at the Studios since I see little opportunity of getting in? Or do I still see that as the end goal, but I need to find another way around it to get in?

I also have noticed a change in what I ultimately want to do. I first came out here in hopes to become a Studio Executive for Disney. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Now... I am more confused about my direction, but I am itching to get back into live television. I see my self becoming an executive producer for a show or sitcom that is owned by Disney, either on ABC for shows like GMA, Regis and Kelly, etc, or even on Disney Channel. I love the new show, "Good Luck Charlie", because it contains all the elements I love: family, disney, humor, live audience, etc.

I guess to sum all things up... no we do not outgrow our dreams. I think they just evolve over time. Although my goal of being a Studio exec has changed, my current executive producer dream still upholds the same characteristics.

What do you think? Is it possible to outgrow your ultimate dream? Sure, over time we tend to realize we won't become our childhood dream of a firefighter, a ballerina, or a doctor, but I do not think we abandon our dreams all together. Heck, I am working for the company of dreams, and I believe fully in the power of going after what you want. The idea of outgrowing our dreams was a new thought to me, and because I am afraid of growing up, I know I will never let go of mine; they will just evolve with me.

Time and Choices

Time and Choices. They are simple concepts that truly dictate how we run our lives. I have been wondering a lot about these two words within the last few weeks. This is a post I have been meaning to write for the whole month of July, but I am just now getting to it.

Throughout this month, I have spent some unplanned time watching movies that deal a lot with traveling through time, or seeing the consequences of our actions. Movies I have seen this month include: Back to the Future 1 and 2, Pirates 1,2, and 3,Valley Girl, Hot Tub Time Machine, Titanic, She's Out of My League, and Enchanted. These films are so different, yet they all have a connecting thread: each of the characters make life-altering decisions based on their given circumstances (okay...maybe not Valley Girl, but still interesting).

Anyway, it got me to thinking, how much of my life is planned and how much of it is based on my individual decisions? I am not trying to get too deep into this philosophical arguement, but I have been trying to really see and understand if any of my choices for a job either send me on the wrong direction or the way to a grand career.

I am having some serious thoughts come up as I see this staff position is being pushed to hire as we speak. First of many, should I accept it if it is offered? If you asked me this question 2 months ago, I would have said, "Yes!" Now, I am starting to question if this is really for me. I am tired of being bored. I want to be used. It is meant for a year to year and a half, but by that time I will be 24.5 years old going on 25, and since I am not a first assistant, that would probably be my next job for 1.5 years, and then I will be 26.5 and just finishing being an assistant. Do I want that!? I feel like time is ticking, and I need a bigger position.

Secondly, do I go freelance or stay studio side? Freelance scares the bejeezus out of me because there is a lack of stability. Then on the other hand, there is the freedom of your schedule. I can pick and choose my projects, and I can do other things on the side. I am a well rounded person, and I do not just want to be defined by my work. I have other aspects of my life I want to pursue.

Next, I have had some offers with Reveille come and pass me by in terms of a job. I was asked to be considered for the Executive Producers' assistants as three of them were leaving within one week. I said no to the first for being unsure if reality television is where I want to be and also because it is the job from the underground. These execs are top profile and among top 10 reality producers in Hollywood. If I accepted, I would have no life, and you would never hear from me again for the year, probably, haha. So I said no, then I said yes I wanted to be considered for the other just to see what would happen. It turns out they said no to me because they want someone with agency experience, which I do not have.

Dispite all of these questions, there is still one that lingers on in my mind that bothers me the most -Do I choose television or film as my career path? I have been told by others I am too young to decide this decision, but I disagree. If I know this answer, then I can make a set career path for myself and go without feeling like I am wasting time or afraid to make the wrong decision. I have been meeting people in both the television and film world, and I am sooo intrigued by television, but I have ended up working in film. I don't know where to go from here, and this is freaking me out.

It may not sound like it, but I have calmed down considerably about worrying over every single aspect of my life, but I am still nervous about this whole move to LA. I am still scared I am not going to get to where I need to be if I do not start now.

How am I sure I will make the right decision? I think another reason why I am so antsy to get my first job done as soon as possible is because I still do not see myself staying in LA. How much time do I give it? I see all the execs who have lived here for 20+ years and never wanted to return home. I feel different than that. See, I love the weather, but I miss those most important to me, and I am not comfortable with the decision of settling in LA. So, I just don't want to take my time getting somewhere, because I feel rushed to get out.

Another point that needs to be made...last week Disney had some bad press published about a film we are having issues with. Well, it turns out the project will take some time off to fix things, which essentially means, the people on the film have lost their job until things pick back up. If I had gotten the assistant position I interviewed for in May, then I would be in that boat. I would be out of work for a month maybe more. Everything happens for a reason right? Now I am thankful that was not me and I have an office position.

So based on all of these choices, timing is everything. How dependent are we on these factors and how much of it is in our control? I was upset with not getting the assistant position, but now I am thankful, so was timing on my side or not? Timing is usually not on my side, for example, with the Reveille positions, and when pilots were hiring PAs and I missed the hiring period by a few weeks both last year and this year, and temping when offered an assistant position within my first week here. Does everything come down to timing and choices?

Which leads me to another point. I talked about how I wanted to be a doctor most of my childhood to a co-worker, and I admitted that by doing this staff position I am unsure if I am putting my best skills and strengths to use. My decision to not pursue medical school was a decision I made my senior year in high school. Was that the right decision? I hope so, but I will use that as a backup career plan I think.

Anyway, this post is long enough, so I will conclude here. This month has really had me on my toes about how every small decision affects another. There is still a lot of possibilties and unknown choices I know are coming, and I am ready. I just hope I make the right ones and I get to live the life I imagined for myself someday. But that too depends on timing and choices...

The Magical World of Corporate Culture Shock

Oh! So one of my bigggesssttt updates I need to address from the previous entry and forgot to do so is about the company’s corporate culture here at the Studios. I have been talking a lot lately with my roommate and several young co-workers about the environment and direction of the company, and it has always lead to some serious debate about future improvements. We talked about writing an email to the head of Walt Disney Pictures, the newly appointed Sean Bailey.

Not sure if you readers are aware, but the company is entering a new and interesting phase. I call it “The New Regime”. Back in October, the leaders and heads of the Studios stepped down after 30+ years of service, and then followed those closest to him. So for the last 8 months, Disney has been in a deep mode of transition trying to find new leadership and great projects. With a new President of the Studios, Rich Ross, President of WDPics, Sean Bailey, and President of Marketing, MT Carney, I think this company will face many new changes.

I have my own ideas as to what will happen and what could happen, but in this entry, I am writing a mockup email to Sean Bailey, President of Walt Disney Pictures. He will be the one responsible for what movies Disney creates for the next several years. From what I hear, he will do great and get this company back on track. While I have been temping, one of the biggest issues for me has been the contrast between the theme parks and corporate environment. I must say, the Studios is no where near as magical as I think it could be to work, and if I had any voice, I want him to be aware and listen to the youth of this growing company; this is what I would say…

Dear Mr. President,

I am writing you this letter today because, as you start your position as leader of the Walt Disney Studios, I want to make you aware of some areas I suggest that need improvement.

To start, “Congratulations” on your newly appointed role within the most astounding company on the planet. As the new President of the WDSMPG, I hope you will turn this company around and bring it back to the right track, which we seemed to have lost.

I have been a member of this company for almost 4 years now, and I do not dream of working anywhere else. I started working in the theme parks as a tour guide hoping it would get me into the company and I could make my way to the Studios. As of March this year, I have been doing just that. I would like to say that it is everything I have imagined, but I am saddened to say, I am going through a bit of Corporate Culture Shock.

I know I have been with the Studios a very short time, as have you, and I want to see this company reach its potential. I am not here to tell you how to do your job, but I want you to see it from the ground up. I want to represent the voice of the lower hierarchy, and I hope you listen.

First, I have started to notice that there is very little communication between the various facets of the company aside from the given Synergy department. I am talking about daily interaction and life on the lot. For example, Feature Animation does not talk too or really communicate with Live Action. We work across the street from one another, yet the work environments are two separate worlds. I am shocked to learn top execs from Live Action never heard of top execs at Animation. Isn’t this company built on the strength of synergy? How is it when a screening happens, say for Animation, the Live Action Cast Members never hear of it and vice versa? Or, how come one production department does not talk to another? We need this to change. We must communicate and be aware of each others’ presence in order to strengthen our projects, resources, knowledge and company.

Second, the physical work environment themselves are not in sync. How is it that Animation seems to uphold the tradition and passion of the heritage of this company and live action does not? For example, Animation has characters and drawings of Disney classic heritage all over the walls, celebrating where we came from. One instantly feels the connection and honor of the company just by walking into the building. However, Live Action has no sign of connection or brand loyalty. If judged from the outside, one would have no idea we worked for Disney unless he or she looked at my email signature. Where is the homage to our past, present, and future productions? We are built on a strong legacy, where is that pride?

If I have learned one thing from the theme parks, it would be to show brand loyalty and show it proud. Why do the Studios not uphold that? I want to see the characters from which this company was so strongly built. I want to see and feel a connection of happiness and pride with my fellow co-workers.

I was asked to through a party this week for work, and I was hoping to find pictures of the classic characters in a database to use as decorations and theming for the occasion. I was immensely disappointed to find this did not exist and no one wanted the characters in order to preserve its “professionalism.” Since when did the demeanor of our leaders become so unenthusiastic and indifferent? Mr. Bailey, we need more spirit; no ifs, ands or buts.

How are we to get that back? I think you know that answer; that is why you were chosen for you position. We need to go back to the basics. We don’t just need good films and projects, we need to remember where we came from and bring back the same classic stories we once made. That is where you come in. You are going to be the new voice of the company. I pray you find great content and great stories that will make our brand come alive again both on the screen and within its office walls. The Studios need to be reignited!

Lastly, I had read in the trades a few weeks back a quote between you and Rich Ross stating you want to bring new, young producers onto the lot. Well, I admire this concept, and I want you to know, some are already here, it is just they have no voice. I do not see the older generation of leaders mentoring and molding the youth of this company as much as they could. It seems the youth have no voice, which is quite the opposite from the theme parks. I would like to see the upper level executives work together more with those just starting their career. Our company has a renowned reputation on honing new leaders and pushing youth to work together as offered College Program, which I am an alumni. I think it is about time the Studios take responsibility for some of the leaders it has already branded through that program and young outside wannabes and teach as much as possible.

I know I may be a bit naïve and young, and who am I to voice such an opinion? Then I think who am I not too? I feel this company is so full of promise, and as it is taught in the theme parks, we need to respect the heritage and traditions where hence we came. Especially coming from the Studios, the Mecca of our company’s reputation, if we do not preserve the brand loyalty, communicate together on the principles of which we were founded, and maintain the childish eye of the viewer, I am afraid we may fall short of our previous accomplishments.

Please take what I have said into consideration. I want to feel pride among my fellow Cast Members in the Studios as I have at work. Our Corporate Culture can use a good improvement, and you have that power. I hope you understand where I am coming from and see some room for great changes. I am fully available and would be honored to talk about these changes with you if you are ever so willing.

I wish you the best of luck as you start your new journey, and I look forward to where we are going, just as long as we keep moving forward. Thank you for your time,

Sincerely,

Me

My Meaning Behind Easter Sunday

Easter has come and gone, but I have yet to discuss what I want on the topic. So here is my chance.

As I have previously written, it is no secret that I am going through some serious religious questioning now in my life. No, I am not denouncing God, and no, I am not trying to convert. I am seriously taking what I have grown up with and trying to put in into my own personal terms, my own opinions, my own beliefs. I want to make sure that I believe what I believe because it's true and I choose to do it, not because I have grown up on it. I greatly admire those who live their lives with conviction, and I want do do the same. Live life with certainty.

Anyway, Easter is the most important holiday in the Christian calendar; the Holiest of days. Usually this holiday is spent with family, well, since I have been in college, I don't think I have been home for Easter in the last 5 years. Luckily, in LA, I have some family out here. I was looking forward to spending the time and holiday with them; but I couldn't help but feel like a complete stranger at some point.

In terms of attending church, I come from a very traditional and colonial background. My church is serious and not always uplifting; it is the message for why we attend, not entertainment. Well, in CA, that is quite opposite. Going to church out here is like attending a concert. There is a full band, stage, no pulpit, no formal robes, casual dress, and tv monitors within the sanctuary to broadcast the service like a tv event.

Nothing is wrong with that at all, but it is quite opposite of what I am used too. Also, my aunt and uncle attend church on Saturday evenings. So for both Palm Sunday and Easter, we went in the afternoon on Saturdays. I felt like I was completely out of my element and it scared me. Then the actual service was intimating too. Everyone spoke or worshiped with such energy and passion. I admired their ability to be so open about their faith, and it bothered me that I wasn't.

Then I got to thinking... maybe I am intimidated by this openness because I am not sure what I believe as much as I thought. They all had the absolute certainty in what they believed and how they worshipped, and I am having issues with that at the moment. During the Easter service, it was so energetic and uplifting, but I responded in quite a different fashion. The fact that I am having doubts and constantly second guessing has struck me to my core. It has got me so off guard that when Easter was so certain, and I was not, I felt like an idiot for not feeling the same way, as if I have gone wrong somewhere, so i started to cry small tears in church. To some, I guess it looked like I was celebrating, but little did they know.

I have no idea what I am expecting to happen to me or what is to come out of this. I am so rattled by the fact I am insecure about my faith, on top of my move to LA, work, a new apt, no immediate family, no friends... it all came on top of me. Church seemed like the cherry on top of a growing pile of uncertainty.

As a result of my questions and insecurities, I called my high school friend who is super religious. She gave me some good perspective, and it felt great to talk that openly about something so personal to me. That was big for me, because I have never been able to do that. I feel awful and guilty even questioning anything about God, but I know He will listen.

Anyway, I have started to take it upon myself to do some research into more of Christianity and compare it to other faiths like Judiasm. I want to know why Christians are so certain Jesus is the Savior, and Judiasm is so certain he is not. Why? I don't understand. If the Jews are certain Jesus is not the Savior, then what are they waiting for? Why not Jesus? And for Christians, how are we so sure ourselves? Then the bigger issue is can you surrender your life to the Ultimate power? That is really gutsy! I have prayed many, many nights about this subject asking that God reveal the truth to me. Sometimes I feel he doesn't answer, but then I know he does because each morning when I wake, I feel more and more certain he is around me. It is so strange, but comforting. There is this energy that I just feel really close too when I go through my day, and I have to believe it is Him.

So that is where I am at in terms of my beliefs. Where is the proof or what are the circumstances, and how strongly do I show this belief? I am not one to rub it in people's faces, I think that is wrong, but I try to show it through the way I practice and live my life: my values, qualities, behavior , etc. I will let you know what I discover as I run into it.

Let me get back to Easter. Although we had church on Saturday, I still had an interesting Sunday. The Easter Bunny came and got me some treats! We died Easter eggs and had an Easter Egg Hunt (despite the strong opposition to it). We had an amazing Ham dinner with corn, potato casserole, and wine.

My favorite part of the day was talking to my family on the phone. It is when you are away from the family and on an important holiday tradition, you realize how important they are and how much you miss them. I talked to my cousins, my grandmothers, my aunt and uncles and then my siblings. When I talked to my parents, I got upset and cried, because I am such a family oriented person, and I was not with them and doing other traditions, that I felt lonely and isolated. I wanted to be near what was familiar to me, but instead I find myself in a new environment with new people. I was just homesick for what was familiar.

Easter this year was very insightful for me. I learned a lot of what I do NOT know rather than what I do. I am pushing myself spiritually and intellectually to find what is right to me. I love my extended family out here, and without them this move would not be possible, but it doesn't diminish the fact I miss home.

Oh! I forgot the biggest part! There was an earthquake that shook the whole southern California. It was perfect timing, because in service, we talked how the "earth shook" when Jesus arose from the dead. Suddenly, on Easter afternoon there was an Earthquake that was the largest in 17 years. I was coming out of the shower, and I thought I lost my balance when I realized it was an earthquake! The funny thing was, just a moment before that happened, I looked out the window to the sky by the shower and said to God, "I hope you are with me." Then the earth shook. Coincidence? Maybe, but I would like to think not.

After it happened, I thought just how quickly life could turn on you like that. If that earthquake was like Haiti's or Chile's, my life could have been snatched away in an instant. It was the first time in a long time, I felt small and completely out of control. As much as we like to think we are the greatest power on Earth, we lose sight just how much we are in the hands of Mother Nature, or in my beliefs, God's power.

That was my initiation to California, and the complete recollection of my Easter Sunday, and what it meant to me. I feel this is the most personal post I have ever written. I feel really vulnerable typing this, just like the girl in the picture above. I do feel Overexposed, but that is the point, isn't it?

Questioning Everything

As we grow older it is only natural that we question the world that we live in. For many people, this time of questioning is during their teenage years. For me, well, I think I am going through it now. I am not sure why now, but for some reason, I have been questioning anything and everything.

Growing up, I have had a very curious mind. I love to understand the details of life from psychology to weather. I have always been the one to ask the questions in class above everyone else. Even currently, my friends call me 20Q because of the frequency I question things. "I am thirsty for knowledge," says my mom, but what I think I am really after is the truth. Not to get all XFiles on you, but I want to know what is the right way to perceive the world.

That may sound like an impossible task as there is no one way to see the world. But, I want to form a very educated pov so as I grow older, I know I am making the most informed decisions. This approach will cover every topic from religion, politics, friendship, science, leisure, and more.

I am not sure why this questioning is coming about now, in this time of my life, this time of year, but it has. As a teenager, I have always been very obedient accepting that the truth comes from those who are older than me. I never tried to prove it wrong, whether that was my mother and her political beliefs, or confirmation class in church. Parents, teachers, pastors... they are my main source of opinions, well, were.

I think that because I have been going through a very strong soul searching period in my life, if I am going to question my future, I have to challenge everything I know. Since graduation in May, I have been struggling to form my own opinion on issues such as gay marriage, christianity, and conservatism. I have always had an answer to those topics, but for the first time, I am unsure if I think that way because I want/choose too, or if it is because of my upbringing. That thought has sent a chill down my spine, because I do NOT want to go through life knowing that my opinion was formed solely by others. I need to know that I feel that way because I CHOSE to do it. Thus, to escape the sheltered box of my upbringing, I am now questioning everything.

I get a lot of crap about how I was brought up sometimes from others because it was very conservative, small town minded. I know that concept creates a stereotype of who I am, how others will see me when we meet for the first time. It is an image that I am not comfortable with, especially if that is the way people perceive me.

I do not want to be known as the sheltered girl anymore. I want to break free from it. It sucks knowing that a lot of life has been experienced through an invisible cage. There are many that see this in me, and turn it into a huge fault, and use it as a reason to not help me out, to ignore me, to not like me. If I ever saw someone like that, I would love to teach them about life. I take it personally when people use my background against me.

I am trying to shatter this image without sacrificing the values that I believe. I want to form my own opinions, and I want to find my own voice. BUT, I cannot do this alone. I have been lucky enough to have some true individuals in my life. They live the life the way they want, and I learn from them. I do not want to be around the same cookie-cutter image of Chatham, NJ. That is why I have friends like Allan and James, who are unique individuals, and I love them. That is what I want to become: my own individual.

I think that all of this is challenging life is a direct result from the stage of uncertainty I am currently living. With tough economic times, I am not sure what the future holds, or where I am going. The only thing I have control over is how I choose to see the world. I guess I am going through my teenage angst rather late in life, but later is better than never.

I cannot break free of this sheltered image without help, so if you know me, please know that I am open to learn. I want people to understand that I have a very open mind, and that I love to listen about other ways of life. If we do not have things in common, then what better way to learn about each other? Please do not see me for my past, but for what I am trying to become.

Here is to finding my new voice, my new opinions... here is to questioning everything.