Different People, All the Same Questions

I went home at the end of July and I met up with some of my high school friends. I had a great time, but I am starting to feel the difference in time and distance spent away from them. Usually it used to feel like when I saw them, it was just like old times. Now, as we come into our own people, I am realizing that I do not know them as much as I used too. So when I met up with them this one night, I realized that even though we are different people, we were all going through the same things in different ways.

Our girl's night ended up bringing up they usual topics: boys, school, family, etc.. But what surprised me about this night was just how much we are starting to really contemplate our futures. No longer are the decision we make just because we want too. I feel like all of us are really starting to think about the future, and being young women, what do we choose for jobs, our future families, and where we want to settle.

I was surprised on how we all connected on trying to figure out where we want to settle. This is as much a mystery as it is to them. Personally, I have no clue where I want to end up, but definitely not California. I have been thinking a lot lately about the East Coast all the way to the South, but especially abroad. For the girls, some of them were also thinking the south as well as places they have never been too before. I was surprised at this because I always thought they would want to stay NorthEast forever and ever, guess not. The idea that I am not the only one trying to figure things out was comforting and really good to know. It was nice to know we are all considering many of the same things.

Of course the "boy relationship" conversations came up, and that was interesting. Some were starting to contemplate engagement, others were not. Regardless of our relationship status, we all were thinking about our futures as women. Do we want a career vs. stay at home mom? Do we want the best of both worlds? Is it really possible to have it all? I of course would love to say, yes to this, but seeing how much of a balance I have with it just being me, I can't imagine trying it with a family.

We all want a family of our own, there is no denying that. I am just shocked as to how much this matters in my decision making process because 5 years ago, I never really considered it. Now, what will happen in our futures are huge deals for us, and obviously life changers. Personally, I want a career more than anything right now. I want to go up the ladder and make a name for myself. But that is only until I want/have a family of my own. I know I want kids, and a big family, but I am unsure of what I will do in terms of a career. Deep down, I have a feeling that I will become a stay-at-home mom, like my mother was, but maybe just have a side business or projects to work on as well. I want to have a great family that is close, settled, and rooted in a good neighborhood lifestyle. I obviously cannot make this decision now, but just starting to even think about it seriously is a huge deal in all of our minds.

I guess overall, the thing that us as young women are dealing with are all the same. We know that life is ours for the taking now, and we can do what we want. But what we struggle with is how much do we let the unknown future affect our decision making process? That is one tough question, but I am glad I am not facing it alone.

It was also great to understand that even though we come from the same background, town, high school, group of friends, etc, we have such different lives. Not one of our lives are the same. That is so exciting. I look forward to what the future brings, but I am also scared to see it come true. We go forwards with no idea of what will come, but we have our dreams, and we have our questions. Hopefully we will find answers on the way.

Letters to My 35 Year Old Self

I think about my future a lot, as every person does. I worry about it, I stress about it, and most importantly, I dream about it.

Well, with life being as crazy as it is at times, I often question, as I did in the last post, what my future will look like. I do not want to know the answer, but I wish I knew if I turned out fine or if life was worth all the worry it is now.

People ask me in interviews, “Where do you see yourself in ten years?” It is an interesting topic to thing about, but what is even more interesting is what will the 35 year old version of me be like? Will I still look and act the same? Will I have it all? Will I have nothing?

Despite these questions, I think one of the most interesting questions to ask is “What would my 35 year old self say to me in present day?” What advice would you have given yourself when you were younger? Would you have told yourself to be more confient? Be more outgoing? Be more cautious? What advice would you have given yourself knowing how you turn out?

Personally, I think the 35 year old version of myself would say to present-day me: don’t worry so much, and relax to enjoy the journey. I think these are the hardest two concepts for me to attempt. As you know, I am a hardcore worrywart! It is engrained in me; I was born this way. I worry about every step I take, every career path I choose. I am afraid to make a mistake, and because I am like that… (That leads me to point Number 2. )

…I need to enjoy the journey. Because I do worry so much, and I plan the future way further than I have control, I cannot enjoy the moment. I need to embrace my youth and have the time of my life. I need to let go and just be present.

Of course that is much easier said than done. Fortunately, these are the two concepts I am learning through my boyfriend. He has been telling me to relax and stop worrying since I met him. We are opposites in many ways, but this is how an opposite becomes a strength. He has shown me how to chill and enjoy each day as if it were our last. Who knows what the future holds, so how can we plan for it? As far as making a mistake goes, he repeats his newly adopted life motto: there is no right or wrong. Just A or B.

This new perspective does holds a lot of insight. I think if I can see the world through those lenses, maybe I will be able to strengthen my greatest weaknesses – patience and remaining calm.

Think about it…What would your 10 year old, older self say to you in present day? OR, what would your current self say to your future-self 10 years from now?

Dear 35-Year-Old Ashley,

I hope that when I meet you, I am able to look back upon my youth and be proud of how I survived, and hopefully be surrounded by great accomplishments and stories to share with you. I hope to be a happy and strong woman. I may not be near any version of you yet, but I hope to make you proud. I hope we turn out alright.

Until then… see you in 10 years.

PS. Any tips on how to stop worrying?

What I Want in Life

(written May 9^th)

Hey Bloggers,

Thanks for continuing to read with me over the last few posts. I have so many issues and topics I want to talk about, I can’t believe I went 7 months without posting. This post is one that I have been thinking about a lot, and it really stems from my time over Easter.

I want to use this post to look towards my future. By struggling trying to find a job, I can’t help but wonder what is in store for me 20 years from now. Sometimes I feel like a real failure for being almost 2 years out of school with no job, no money, depending on my parents to help out with some of my bills, and being so far away from them.

Then again, I can see my life as heavenly blessed, and it really is. I have such an amazing family that supports my cause out here. I have strong friendships that carry me through tough issues. I have been able to make a life out here for myself pursuing my dream of becoming a top television producer. I am rich in quality people in my life, I have a loving boyfriend who has been there for the last 7 months, and I have had so many great working experiences. I know I am doing pretty well out here.

But seeing my life now, I can see great room for improvement. Personally, I want to be a better community servant. I want to find and fight for an important cause, I want to contribute to a church or volunteer at a hospital. I just know that my time to commit is not there yet. I need my own life settled first before I can help others.

Professionally – well no need to talk about it. We know what I want…

I want to live a good life. I want to work hard for my success, but what I eventually want is a good, big family and a loving husband in a strong and stable home. I want to be able to host parties with my close family and friends in my nice house. I want to share my family traditions with my kids. I want to share everything with others, even including making finger sandwiches for Easter brunch.

I want a life full of great surprises, accomplishments and travel. I hope to be a world traveler and live abroad. I hope to accomplish a lot from my “Life Goals Book” (yes, I made one for myself).

But with the rate life has been happening, or lack of happening depending on how you look at it, I sometimes question if this is ever going to happen. Right now, it seems like it will never come to pass, but I refuse to give up. I want to be able to provide a great life for my family through a successful career and smart investments.

I do not know what my path will be and how I will get there, but I really hope what I want for my future will happen. I know it is all in God’s timing, but I am not getting any younger! :D In fact, based on what society expects of where I should be 2 years out of school at 24 years old, I am not doing to well… darn economy.

Anyway, despite my long term goals being out 20 years from now, the most immediate goal I look forward to coming true is having my own room. I cannot tell you how badly I want to buy my dream bed with pillows, and design the room to make my room my own personal sanctuary. I look forward to being able to say that I provided that for myself. Just not yet…

I just have to keep my head up. As my Dad continues to say, “You’re time is coming.”

Until then… I will continue to work hard and dream about what I want from life.

Normal vs. Extraordinary

(written on Tuesday 10/13/10)

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have superpowers? Or to have influence like Oprah to accomplish things? Have you ever wanted a "super" job? I have to all of the above.

I have been thinking a lot this week about success as most people do, and it has occurred to me, I do not want to be normal or average. I want to excel in all that I apply myself too; I want to achieve. No, I am not seeking fame or celebrity, but I am seeking the ability to influence others on a large scale. I seek the opportunity to be important to my family, community, and others beyond our boundaries. I wish for an extraordinary career.

Now, this may seem a bit cocky, and I assure you it is not. I am just putting my confidence out there for I want to be heard. There is nothing wrong with being normal in this world. It's just I want to stand out. I want to go beyond what is expected of myself. Maybe I am an overambitious girl, but I feel like all this ambition has no outlet. It has been kept inside for years, and no way out since I have not had the opportunity to apply it elsewhere but my imagination.

The other day, I was walking in a really nice Hollywood house. I drive by them a lot as well. It gets me thinking... is this at all possible for me? Will I ever be that successful to live the way I have dreamed? Is it in the cards for me?

That is why I love meeting and learning about those who are. I love talking to executives for that reason. I want to learn their journey to success. If they can do it, how am I any different? Just because I want something so badly does not mean I will ever get it.

When people ask me what my dream career is, I think of people like Jerry Bruckheimer, Don Hahn, Julie Andrews, and more. I know I will not be the next Jerry Bruckheimer, but I want to strive for a sliver of the amount of success he has had. I do not just want to be content with my own bubble. I want to inspire others, to lead them, to make them believe that they are better than they think, that we all have untapped potential to go anywhere in life. I want inspiration to be my superpower (aside from being invisible or flying of course).

To me, I want to become a successful television executive that has an eye for talent and powerful messages in my programming. I want to start a new idea that family entertainment is the strongest form of entertainment around. I want to push for political and social issues I believe in. I hope to one day make a public speech at a college or university for women or other students. I mean, I ran for student council President every single year since sixth grade and never won. I want to lead.

I am so driven by my idea of helping others and being successful in my career, that I have even started a "Future Wall" in my room. I want to visualize my future. Yes, I have some superficial things on there like Ralph Lauren clothing and a castle to own in France, but it also has strong women leaders, public speeches, a large family in a nice home, and donation to a charity taped on my wall.

Maybe I will never get here, but I at least want to say I tried to get there. I dreamt it, and I went for it. In fact, I may never get there. That thought has crossed my mind, and it is a slight reservation, but I am determined to make a life for myself and others. I want a life to look back upon and be proud and say I have done a lot, seen a lot, and meant a lot to others. It is not A-list celebrity I seek, but the financial means to contribute to all of my passions, interests and issues at heart. I want an extraordinary career in hopes that one day an intern will want to ask me, "How did you make it?"

I wonder what my explanation will be?

Can you Outgrow Your Dreams?

(Monday 913- Sunday 9/19)

I do not want this post to sound sad or depressing, but this has been a thought on my mind for quite some time. I guess with the natural string of events the last few weeks of not getting into the Studios as I wanted and adjusting to my new routine of not going to the office for the first time in six months, it makes me wonder about a lot of issues.

About two or three posts ago, I wrote a question and said it would be a new post. This is it. The question I wrote was: Is what I wanted still what I want? This is such a key question in my thought process and it does make me wonder. Do we ever outgrow our dreams?

I would like to say the answer is "no" to the later, but I would like to sit on this for a minute. When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was be a doctor. In high school, I became an EMT for five years, and I realized as much as I love anatomy, psychology and medicine, it was not what I was passionate about. I could be good at it, but not great. My next passion was entertainment. I pursued it in college and I fell in love with it. I felt right at home in the studio sets and new I had an act for it. What I am getting to is... I did not outgrow my doctor dream, I just matured from it and chose a different path.

In terms of me working for Disney, this is where it gets tricky. I have loved Disney since childhood, and have not had a passion working for any other company since. It has always been my goal to get to Burbank and work for the Studios. With a lot of work and opportunity, I was able to do so over the last 6 months, but it has still been an up and down roller coaster. I have realized working at the Studios is not all I thought it could be. I loved working in Production, but I felt my talents were not being used. I have been told by HR in order to work for the studios, I need to leave Disney, get experience and come back. I tend to do that, but I almost feel like I am betraying the company by looking elsewhere.

Should I consider working in another department of the company just because it is Disney even though it may not be what I ultimately want to do, or, do I go after what I want with another company and return? Still playing with this question.

Anyway, I feel like I accomplished some of my dreams within the last few months. I worked at the studios. I accomplished working in Production, and I accomplished getting to my #1 Hollywood goal: the Pirates set. Now what? Have I outgrown my dream of working at the Studios since I see little opportunity of getting in? Or do I still see that as the end goal, but I need to find another way around it to get in?

I also have noticed a change in what I ultimately want to do. I first came out here in hopes to become a Studio Executive for Disney. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Now... I am more confused about my direction, but I am itching to get back into live television. I see my self becoming an executive producer for a show or sitcom that is owned by Disney, either on ABC for shows like GMA, Regis and Kelly, etc, or even on Disney Channel. I love the new show, "Good Luck Charlie", because it contains all the elements I love: family, disney, humor, live audience, etc.

I guess to sum all things up... no we do not outgrow our dreams. I think they just evolve over time. Although my goal of being a Studio exec has changed, my current executive producer dream still upholds the same characteristics.

What do you think? Is it possible to outgrow your ultimate dream? Sure, over time we tend to realize we won't become our childhood dream of a firefighter, a ballerina, or a doctor, but I do not think we abandon our dreams all together. Heck, I am working for the company of dreams, and I believe fully in the power of going after what you want. The idea of outgrowing our dreams was a new thought to me, and because I am afraid of growing up, I know I will never let go of mine; they will just evolve with me.