A Little Girl vs. Woman

So by now, I am sure you realize that I am a big analyzer on almost every subject in life. I try not to be, but I cannot help it. I feel like I can never turn off my brain, and it is maddening in many ways.

Well, anyway, one of the major things that I have been considering is where I am as a person. I feel like I am such a girl at heart, but the world doesn't always like that. But I feel so far from a woman because I know I have a lot of growing up to do.

I guess a lot of this comes from my first relationship, where I realize that I was not as prepared to handle certain situations the right way. Looking at it now, I see that how I act a lot of times around people is how I think they want me to react. I don't always react based on how I feel nor do I really say how I feel.

I remember last year I wrote in my other blog (Tumblr) an entry on how being brave is one trait I wish to have. This is a great example of how I don't have it. Being able to tell someone how I really feel on a situation, especially if it involves them, is not easy for me to do. So what I do instead is hold my tongue, act cool and try to remain level headed. I had the idea that no conflict means nothing is wrong, and this so isn't true. I never want to be the one to rock the boat because of how I am feeling, but I guess in the long run, holding things in is ultimately causing issues. I think realizing this is one way I have grown in the last year.

It seems like an obvious concept, but saying how you feel to someone seems like such an adult way of behaving. The kid inside of my, or the unexperienced girl in life, just wants to hide from dealing with this, but the adult side of me knows I need to face it head on. I am just afraid too.

That is just one example of how I feel torn on where I am as a person. I want to remain a kid at heart for the rest of my life. Yes, I enjoy kids activities: coloring, painting, mini-golfing, disneyland, building forts, getting ice cream, making crafts, etc. I pray that there is never a day I don't enjoy them. But does liking/participating in kid's activities make me less of a "woman"?

To be honest, I don't even like calling myself a "woman" because it sounds old, and I am really insecure about it. Just in my last post, I refer to my friends and I as "young women" for the first time ever. I like the idea of being considered young and enthusiastic about life. I just don't see myself as an adult quite yet.

That leads me to my next question, what is it that defines a woman as a woman? Is it having a husband, house and kids? Is it having her own career, being an independent person in life? Is it defined on age alone? If it is, what age is it? In this country age 18 is when you are an adult, but yet, I was never called a woman at age 18. I was called "young lady", even today this holds true. Back 200 years ago, age 14 or 15 was basically a woman because girls were expected to marry.

I guess I am lost in what I feel a true woman is. In my mind, I think being a woman involves being of a certain maturity with decent life experience under your belt where you know how you believe, think, and feel about certain situations. She knows how to truly be herself but also not just keep herself together but hold a family/friends together as well. A true woman is confident and strong, and knows how to read, interpret, and reach out to those she knows best without talking.

I can honestly say, that I am not there. Nor am I certain I will ever be there, but in our society, how do we know someone has crossed that bridge? This may be a side note, but I just wish our society really had great women roles models in pop culture. I hate seeing all the "women fighting" shows like Real Housewives or Bad Girl's Club, etc. That is such a conflicting message where grown women act like middle schoolers. I know as a future woman, that is nothing I aspire too, and I wish young girls also realize that. Maybe that contributes to why I feel confused myself.

Alright I think I made my point. I have been doing a lot of thinking about where I am on the "growing up" scale of life. I know I am a girl in many, many ways, but I am also becoming my own person. I still remain innocent about a lot of the ways of the world but at the same time, I am starting to understand how this world works or doesn't work. Girl or woman, I am liking who I am becoming, and I hope others see that. But when I return home for now, I know a few of my family members will call me a grown "woman" and I just at the thought of that, I shrink into a ball like a little girl, thus disproving their point on the spot. Sometimes I just wish Peter Pan would come and wisk me away right now towards Neverland and away from the adult world. :D

Until then... keep dreaming!

Late Life Bloomer

Looking at my life, I guess like many people my age, I say how I am not as far as I would like to be in life. I thought that by the time I was 24, I would have completed two years of working experience, finished my first job and looking for a promotion, I would be living abroad studying for my business degree in London, and hopefully in a serious relationship and traveling the world/Europe.

Well, as you know, none of those hopes and dreams for myself have come true. I am not sad, but I am disappointed. Many say it's the economy, it's the job market, it's school competition or whatever. Say what you want of it, but I have just come to realize that it may be some or all of that, but in the midst of trying to put the blame somewhere, I have discovered that I am a late bloomer in life. I just need to accept that.

Think about it. First, the job. 2.5 years out of school, I am now just starting my first job. I have two years of work experience, but not consistent enough to get me a job promotion. I just landed my first real job - entry level job. Don't get me wrong, this is not a bad thing. It was just the cards I have been dealt. I was not meant to get a job with the economy until now. As I look at Facebook and LinkedIn, I see there are several high school and college classmates that are now into their second or third jobs. Some have gotten great promotions and are making good money. Me... I just started. I feel somewhat behind I guess, but that is just what I was meant to be.

Second, apartment living... Many of my close friends as well as family members are more settled than I am. For example, my brother has had his own apartment fully furnished and decorated for over a year. As for me? I do not own a single piece of furniture. I don't even own the pillows that I sleep on. I am 24 years old, and at my age, my parents were already married and moved into their own apartment. I am no where near that stage in my life. Most of my friends who are living in other cities have their places/apartments, and some are now getting married and moving into a nice house. I just look forward to the day that I decorate my own room and have a place to call mine. I cannot wait!! But for now, I am still living in someone's place... a late bloomer for settling into my own space

Boys, Relationships & Marriage- Being that I am 24, I know I should not be really looking into getting married right now, but enjoying life as it comes. Well this is much easier said than done. At this stage in my life, I thought I would be in a serious relationship that was possibly close to engagement or at least heading there. I am no where near there.

I am just a late bloomer with any boy experience. In high school, I never dated. I had a few crushes, sure, but they went rejected and unnoticed. I couldn't get any boy's attention. Maybe it was because I was super busy, they were immature, or whatever, but it just didn't happen. I didn't have a boy friend in college either, and I didn't have my first kiss until I was 21 just because I gave up on the idea of making it special and was just curious about that part of life. Boys were just never a part of my life that I have experienced.

So coming back to relationships, I am also realize a late bloomer for this too. When majority of my high school friends have been in a 2-3 year relationship or are close to engagement, I have just had my first relationship of 8 months. He and I broke up for various reasons in August, and it was really hard for me. Guess I am also a late bloomer when dealing with your first heart-break. Go figure. My point was that at an age when my parents were already married, I am just entering the world of dating.

Anyway, I just wanted to highlight some of the ways I feel like I am either behind or just starting to come into my own. I am not trying to compare my life to anyone else's because I love my life. It is just I cannot help but to feel behind in several ways in terms of where society expects you to be, where I expected myself to be, and where I hope to be. I know my time is slowly coming just because I am starting to be able to settle now that I have the job. It just took two years to get there.

So to all my fellow late bloomers, don't rush life. I am trying not to sprint through it as I had been. Take the fact that in time you will become your own person with pride. It is something I am working on, and I am growing at my own pace. For that I am proud of myself.

Can you Outgrow Your Dreams?

(Monday 913- Sunday 9/19)

I do not want this post to sound sad or depressing, but this has been a thought on my mind for quite some time. I guess with the natural string of events the last few weeks of not getting into the Studios as I wanted and adjusting to my new routine of not going to the office for the first time in six months, it makes me wonder about a lot of issues.

About two or three posts ago, I wrote a question and said it would be a new post. This is it. The question I wrote was: Is what I wanted still what I want? This is such a key question in my thought process and it does make me wonder. Do we ever outgrow our dreams?

I would like to say the answer is "no" to the later, but I would like to sit on this for a minute. When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was be a doctor. In high school, I became an EMT for five years, and I realized as much as I love anatomy, psychology and medicine, it was not what I was passionate about. I could be good at it, but not great. My next passion was entertainment. I pursued it in college and I fell in love with it. I felt right at home in the studio sets and new I had an act for it. What I am getting to is... I did not outgrow my doctor dream, I just matured from it and chose a different path.

In terms of me working for Disney, this is where it gets tricky. I have loved Disney since childhood, and have not had a passion working for any other company since. It has always been my goal to get to Burbank and work for the Studios. With a lot of work and opportunity, I was able to do so over the last 6 months, but it has still been an up and down roller coaster. I have realized working at the Studios is not all I thought it could be. I loved working in Production, but I felt my talents were not being used. I have been told by HR in order to work for the studios, I need to leave Disney, get experience and come back. I tend to do that, but I almost feel like I am betraying the company by looking elsewhere.

Should I consider working in another department of the company just because it is Disney even though it may not be what I ultimately want to do, or, do I go after what I want with another company and return? Still playing with this question.

Anyway, I feel like I accomplished some of my dreams within the last few months. I worked at the studios. I accomplished working in Production, and I accomplished getting to my #1 Hollywood goal: the Pirates set. Now what? Have I outgrown my dream of working at the Studios since I see little opportunity of getting in? Or do I still see that as the end goal, but I need to find another way around it to get in?

I also have noticed a change in what I ultimately want to do. I first came out here in hopes to become a Studio Executive for Disney. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Now... I am more confused about my direction, but I am itching to get back into live television. I see my self becoming an executive producer for a show or sitcom that is owned by Disney, either on ABC for shows like GMA, Regis and Kelly, etc, or even on Disney Channel. I love the new show, "Good Luck Charlie", because it contains all the elements I love: family, disney, humor, live audience, etc.

I guess to sum all things up... no we do not outgrow our dreams. I think they just evolve over time. Although my goal of being a Studio exec has changed, my current executive producer dream still upholds the same characteristics.

What do you think? Is it possible to outgrow your ultimate dream? Sure, over time we tend to realize we won't become our childhood dream of a firefighter, a ballerina, or a doctor, but I do not think we abandon our dreams all together. Heck, I am working for the company of dreams, and I believe fully in the power of going after what you want. The idea of outgrowing our dreams was a new thought to me, and because I am afraid of growing up, I know I will never let go of mine; they will just evolve with me.

The Biggest Let Down

This was written on Monday and Tuesday 4/12 and 4/13th. Not published until now for when the blog was in chronological order...

The Biggest Letdown

Today can go down as the worst day since I got here. I did not even see this coming. I feel so upset, angry, disappointed, everything. I feel like my plan just came to a screeching halt, and there is nothing I can do about it! Where did I go wrong?

"What happened," you ask? Well, I will just get straight to it. I was let go. I have not even had it yet for a month! 3 weeks! How embarrassing. I am so embarrassed that I did could not even call my parents and tell them. Who loses their job after 3 measly weeks? This will definitely go down in the record books! Am I just supposed to sit there and take it, or can I stand up for myself? I just took it and said I understood that she was looking for more experience, but I had no idea that she would be cutting me off within the week! I still have 2.5 months left. What about June!?

I left work with my head held high, and tried not to cry. It was so hard to stay professional when all I wanted to do was scream and run into solitude. I feel like I have been hit by a large anvil that is crushing me from the weight. Is this what it feels like to have your heart broken? If so, I never want to experience this again.

All I want to do tonight is curl up in a ball and cry. I feel like I have completely and utterly failed. I have let myself down, my family down, and my co-workers down. But what is worst of all is, I have no idea where I went wrong! I can tell you it was not based on performance, but the rest is confidential.

I know this is LA, and this is the business, but I feel like I am just getting started. I was just gaining momentum in networking, in trying to accomplish my goal to get on Pirates 4, but now, that momentum has come to a screeching halt. I feel like I just got my feet warm and was about to dive in, but now the chance has ended. I hate the feeling that I didn't have time to prove myself, I did not have time to live up to my potential. With that concept, I feel like I failed.

I know I should not second guess myself and why I came out here, because that will not change anything, but it is hard not to look back and wonder. This is definitely making me question my dream, but I don't even want to go that far into it. It is just too painful. Some of the questions that arise from that are: "Am I meant for this?", "What made me think I could do this?", "Are my dreams bigger than what is actually possible?" I won't explore those thoughts now, but they are definitely coming.

Maybe I am being to sorry for myself, but I cannot help but feel really disappointed. Is this one of those life tests to see if I can make it in the real world? If so, I don't like it, but I know I will be okay... eventually. I will take this last week at work, and work it really hard in networking and getting contacts. That will be my new goal. I have to stay focused on the task at hand, and accomplish what I came here to do. I will take this and run with it.

Who knows, maybe I do not see it now, but this could be a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason, right? Right, God?! I think this is just another one of those tests not just in life, but in faith. That is another entry, though. Let's just say I am not looking forward to my last day, which is now 2.5 months early.

okay, I am going to go try and eat dinner. Goodnight.

Where is my Peter Pan?

Alright, so maybe I have not been completely fair. I realize that my last post was a bit strong, and I seemed to complain a lot. I do not want to come across as spoiled or ungrateful to anyone. So if I do, I am sorry; that was not my intention. I just wanted to get over what I was feeling.

Anyway, as I looked back at my posts, not just yesterday's, but all posts, it seems that it may not be illustrating myself in the best light. I know that what I say is mostly about my anxiety, frustration, and inpatience with life. I just want to say, that I am not all negative. Yes, I let negative thoughts or energies rule me perhaps more than they should, but I am generally a really positive person. I believe things all happen for a reason, and politeness should be used by all human beings. As much as I am frustrated with being home and unable to get started on my career, I know that something big is coming. I keep a positive attitude because for every minute you spend upset, is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. I don't like to get upset, and I don't like people to see me get that way. It is a side of me that may not be my brightest colors.

Okay, excuse that rant. My point is, I see what I have written, and I realize... when did I finally decide to grow up? As far as I know, I don't think I have had a deciding moment in life to where I became an adult. Like in Finding Neverland, Mr. Barrie's character tells the oldest son, George, "The boy is gone. In the last 30 seconds, you became a grown up." Have a had my moment? We always hear of a "coming of age" story, such as Catcher In the Rye or in a movie like "Now and Then". But outside of theatrical life, is there such a defining moment? Or does the transition just happen over time?

As I sit here in my room typing this, I look around. Although my room is painted like a teenage room, I believe there are elements of sophistication, and proof that I have gotten older.; whether it is through my pictures of my time in Florida or my Boston University Diploma hanging on my bookshelf. But overall, I still see so many remants of my girlhood. I have about 30 pillows I made in middle school, the stuffed animals I slept with when I was five, the rediculous pastels and pinks that really just conflict with the rest of my room. Looking at this, I realize that I do not want that anymore. I want to either donate my stuff or throw it out. This is what gets me, I have NEVER thought those thoughts before. When did I finally outgrow my room, my stuff, my childhood? I don't need this items, and I do not necessarily want them. Never have a felt such a disconnect to my childhood or my room. When did home become so unfamiliar?

I know that this is the "you are becoming an adult" stage in my life. Yay, I have made it! But... I am not so happy. I have loved my childhood. I love everything about being young, discovering who you are, and dreaming. Although I rarely divuldged in normal kids acitvities (I have always been more mature for my age and a rather serious kid), I still feel like I am a kid at heart. When I am happy, you know that I am happy! I still feel I have the same curiosity for the world as I did when I was six. Heck, I still have the same dreams from when I was six.

Luckily, I have never been told by my parents, "It's time to grow up." They never pressured me into finding a serious, more respectable profession. To that, I am eternally grateful. I remember my first job, I worked at my local one room theater. I was so happy to be working somewhat in the "film" industry, I guess I was smiling a bit to much as they walked out.

One of the guests made it a point to come up to me and said, "I have never seen a smile so bright. You are a kid at heart. Never, ever lose that. The world needs that."

"I won't. I promise," I said. I will make it a duty of mine not too.

So here I am at the verge of adulthood, and saying goodbye to my childhood as I am about to leave the nest in the upcoming weeks. I have always feared getting older because I love the spirit of being young, and I never want it to end. So I am waiting by my window every night, waiting for him to arrive. Where is Peter Pan when you need him most?! Am I like Wendy, who has to grow up because society expects her too? Even when she does, she never stops believing in her past. I guess being Wendy would not be such a bad thing afterall.

As much as I want to remain young, I know I need to make a life for my own. I just wish Peter would come and save me, even if it is only for a short time. I feel as if I am not ready for such a big step, then simultaneously, I feel as if the world is mine to own.

I don't think I will have a defining moment to prove I have become an adult. Or maybe I did and just don't know it. Or, maybe that will be they day I move out. Not sure. I know I could never say goodbye to my youth, but then I have also never felt so strangely distant from it. I just hope this distance actually diminishes rather than grow over my lifetime. I never want to regret.

I guess change has come, is coming, and will come. I just need to take it one step at a time. I look at my life and see so much potential. I get so excited I want to scream with excitement at times, but then I also have my hesitations and fears like anyone else.

So until I actually decide I am an adult, here I am... a kid of 23... in my childhood room...holding onto my teddy... waiting for Peter to come through my window.