Late Life Bloomer

Looking at my life, I guess like many people my age, I say how I am not as far as I would like to be in life. I thought that by the time I was 24, I would have completed two years of working experience, finished my first job and looking for a promotion, I would be living abroad studying for my business degree in London, and hopefully in a serious relationship and traveling the world/Europe.

Well, as you know, none of those hopes and dreams for myself have come true. I am not sad, but I am disappointed. Many say it's the economy, it's the job market, it's school competition or whatever. Say what you want of it, but I have just come to realize that it may be some or all of that, but in the midst of trying to put the blame somewhere, I have discovered that I am a late bloomer in life. I just need to accept that.

Think about it. First, the job. 2.5 years out of school, I am now just starting my first job. I have two years of work experience, but not consistent enough to get me a job promotion. I just landed my first real job - entry level job. Don't get me wrong, this is not a bad thing. It was just the cards I have been dealt. I was not meant to get a job with the economy until now. As I look at Facebook and LinkedIn, I see there are several high school and college classmates that are now into their second or third jobs. Some have gotten great promotions and are making good money. Me... I just started. I feel somewhat behind I guess, but that is just what I was meant to be.

Second, apartment living... Many of my close friends as well as family members are more settled than I am. For example, my brother has had his own apartment fully furnished and decorated for over a year. As for me? I do not own a single piece of furniture. I don't even own the pillows that I sleep on. I am 24 years old, and at my age, my parents were already married and moved into their own apartment. I am no where near that stage in my life. Most of my friends who are living in other cities have their places/apartments, and some are now getting married and moving into a nice house. I just look forward to the day that I decorate my own room and have a place to call mine. I cannot wait!! But for now, I am still living in someone's place... a late bloomer for settling into my own space

Boys, Relationships & Marriage- Being that I am 24, I know I should not be really looking into getting married right now, but enjoying life as it comes. Well this is much easier said than done. At this stage in my life, I thought I would be in a serious relationship that was possibly close to engagement or at least heading there. I am no where near there.

I am just a late bloomer with any boy experience. In high school, I never dated. I had a few crushes, sure, but they went rejected and unnoticed. I couldn't get any boy's attention. Maybe it was because I was super busy, they were immature, or whatever, but it just didn't happen. I didn't have a boy friend in college either, and I didn't have my first kiss until I was 21 just because I gave up on the idea of making it special and was just curious about that part of life. Boys were just never a part of my life that I have experienced.

So coming back to relationships, I am also realize a late bloomer for this too. When majority of my high school friends have been in a 2-3 year relationship or are close to engagement, I have just had my first relationship of 8 months. He and I broke up for various reasons in August, and it was really hard for me. Guess I am also a late bloomer when dealing with your first heart-break. Go figure. My point was that at an age when my parents were already married, I am just entering the world of dating.

Anyway, I just wanted to highlight some of the ways I feel like I am either behind or just starting to come into my own. I am not trying to compare my life to anyone else's because I love my life. It is just I cannot help but to feel behind in several ways in terms of where society expects you to be, where I expected myself to be, and where I hope to be. I know my time is slowly coming just because I am starting to be able to settle now that I have the job. It just took two years to get there.

So to all my fellow late bloomers, don't rush life. I am trying not to sprint through it as I had been. Take the fact that in time you will become your own person with pride. It is something I am working on, and I am growing at my own pace. For that I am proud of myself.

Family Reassurance... I am Actually Ok.

(written for the week May 14th)

Has it really been over a week since my last post? Time just seems to go by so fast sometimes, even when there are times where I feel it goes sooo slow. Funny thing, time.

Well, I am back, and I would like to say I have a lot going on, but unfortunately, I do not. I did not have a temporary assignment this past week, and I ended my animation studios assignment last Friday. It was a great day to end on also.

It was the rededication ceremony for the Animation Building. They were changing it to the "Roy E. Disney Animation" building. I was able to attend the meeting where Bob Iger spoke, as well as successful producer Don Hahn, and Roy Disney's son. All of Walt's remaining family was also present along side with 320 D23 winners to attend the event. Music played, talking about Roy's legacy, and then Mickey came out to the Fantasmic theme to unveil the new building name. I have some pitcures on my other blog, Fair Vanity. It was a great event that solidified another reason why I love to work here, despite it being my last day, yet again. I really liked working in the department I was in this past week and a half, but it wasn't overwhelming to the point where I said, "I want to be here." I am still keeping my options open.

Anyway, to this past week since then was not one about work, but one about family. I was in between temping jobs, but the timing worked out great because my paternal grandmother was in town. I stayed with her and my aunt, uncle and cousins for most of the week to be with them. I don't get to see my grandmother that much, and she only comes out here every 3-4 years, so this was a great treat. I wanted to show her my current living situation and work life.

She came in on Sunday, Mother's Day, and we just hung out, had a family dinner, and planned our next few days. I called my mom to make sure she felt appreciated. My aunt got U2 tickets! That was a great gift.

Monday, I took my aunt and my grandmother to Disneyland. It is great getting in for free! My grandmother hadn't been there for 20 years, and my aunt about 5, despite living so close. It was fun, but they liked the slower rides, so I had to resist the TOT and Splash. We only stayed for half the day though, but it was all we needed. There were few crowds and only about 10-15 min waits. So by 3pm, we were basically all done with Disneyland. It was great to go on Jungle Cruise, Pirates, Haunted Mansion, Small World, and the Matterhorn with them. We took only one picture the whole time, but it was a good one. (also see my Fair Vanity for that). I will remember that for a long time.

Tuesday, I took both of them to my area: Burbank. I drove them to my apartment and showed them around. Then we went on the lot for lunch in the ABC commissary. It was the first time my aunt had been in a corporate setting, so this was a new experience for her. After lunch, I took them around the lot and told them some trivia based on what little I really know. I walked them by the stages, the Disney Legacy handprint section, and then headed over to Animation. In there, I met with my roommate and we gave them the tour of the building. They saw everything from the process of the Winnie The Pooh movie, some of Tangled, and some of the cool perks (i.e. cereal bar). They also saw a sequence in the making for WTP, and it was an eye opening experience for them. They looked like they discovered hidden treasure; they were so happy.

I had to leave Wednesday for a meeting, but we enjoyed our last 24 hours together. My grandmother explained to me how proud she was of me. She had no idea what this industry was like, and the type of people that work in it. It was so nice to hear her understand where I have been coming from for the longest time. It made sense.

I must say too, that hearing her reaction to everything, was definitely needed. I have always been my toughest critic. I am so hard on myself and I have no idea why. So when I look at my life here now, I say, "It's okay, but I don't have a job, not sure I want to live here forever...", but seeing it through my grandmother, it made me appreciate what I have.

She was right, I have a lot to be proud of myself for. I am in the world that I have wanted to be in, I am in the company I want to work for, I know people (more than I thought), and it will just take time. I really need a good dose of patience. I am so antsy, but like gma said, I am doing alright. I looked at what I have done in so little time, and yes, I am proud of myself! People recognized me in almost every hallway it felt, I knew my way around town, I have a great place to live with a great roommate. Those are all valid points, but they get lost once I am on my "antsy" train of thought.

Another reason why I know I am doing okay, is because I am never still. I am always busy! I have meet with somebody every single day for the last three weeks, and this week is the first time I have had a "lapse in employment" since I started. People tell me I am doing the right thing, and something will come. I just need to be more Patience.

So after such a rewarding trip with my grandmother, when I returned to my apartment, and I found my first package! I got a package from my mother. Perfect timing. It had some small surprises, clothes, volleyball stuff, but most of all, it had a short note saying I am doing a good job.

So with that, I realize I need to slow down for a second and reflect. I will continue to pray for patience, but I really needed this week to re-evaluate where I am in life. With my recent family reassurance and support, I now see what I have accomplished in 6-7 weeks, and yes, for the first time I can say, yes, I am okay. That is true reassurance, and a sigh of relief. Praise be to God.

One Month Down

(written yesterday, 5/4)

Wow. It has been one month since I moved to my apt. Yes, I have been here for a month and a half, but only in my apt for a month. It went by fast and slow at the same time. I am happy to say that the rooming situation is working out at the moment. My roommate is sincere, laid back, and knowledgeable. I guess it really is a good thing to have a roommate that is older than I am, so I can get a difference perspective. I am not used to talking to an older person who is not related to me, as I have always been the oldest.

I have gotten used to sleeping in my room. It has a few decorations, but not much. The shadows and creaky floor do not creep me out as much as they used too.

I am also finally into my nightly sleeping habits. I am back onto staying up late and getting up early. Which is good. I think I am finally used to working the hours again. I am not as tired as I used to be, but still exhausted around midnight. It is good to have that routine back.

Now outside of the rooming situation, I am still adjusting to LA life. I was hoping at this point I would be able to say that yes, I like LA and this is where I want to stay. But unfortunately, I sitl can't. I don't know if it is I do not like it, or if I am just lonely, or what the issue is, but I am not connected to it yet. It will take time, especially to find the social life I am looking for, but I don't see myself staying here for long.

I love the weather and the outdoor activities around the area. I like the people in general, and I like the different forms of entertainment. But overall, this is not my city, and I cannot call it home yet.

LA is a funny place actually. Nothing here makes sense. For example, one minute you are downtown in a hard urban street, and then you drive two blocks in, and you are in the suburbs. Fashion is based on accessories rather than the actual outfit you have on. There is more emphasis on the possessions rather than the living space, like a car or dog rather than the front yard or room decor. Honestly, if LA spent more time on the living spaces, then the roads would be a lot nicer than the cars that drive on them.

One thing I cannot stand about LA is how inconvenient it is. Everyone has a car, and thus no parking. Valet is a must, and it sucks to pay. You get tickets all the time, because the state is so broke, so they are super expensive. I just got one for 50 bucks. Nasty! There is no parking anywhere! I have had to leave and give up attending some of the parties or houses because I could not find a place to park. I do not want to park a mile away from my destination as a girl in an area I do know understand. I really have no idea how businesses survive when the customer's cannot park at their stores! How do they make money?

Then to make things worse, there is real no public transportation. Taxis are so expensive, buses are slow, and subway is not convenient enough to use to get around. This needs to change. Coming from NYC and Boston, I definitely have high expectations on this. In addition, there is no central "downtown" busy hub life of the city. Downtown is full of banks, and becomes a ghost town after dark. The night life is not in one central location, so you have to choose where to go for the night and hope it is busy.

LA is so full of different groups of people for all sorts of lifestyles, and I have no idea where I fit in. LA has beaches, mountains, the artsy culture, the corporate culture, the glamour culture... you name it, it is here. I am not the independent artsy type, so I would not live in that section of town. I want to be in a big downtown area like NYC, but that is a desert town at night. The corporate culture is full of banks and is pretty straightforward but uninvolved. Then the film/industry culture, which seems to involve everyone, is artsy and laid back. We wear jeans to work and work long hours with lots of time being unproductive.

I like the beach, but I am not a beachy person. I want to play volleyball really badly, but I would not say I am the right "beach" culture person to live there. Then there is Hollywood. I am not into the heavy party scene that is a bit trashy and sluty. Sorry, just not happening.

In all, I need to find my niche. There is a lot to be offered here, but I don't know what group to connect myself too, especially to live. I hope that comes in time.

That brings up my next point. How long do I want to stay here? I am not sure. How long is adequate time to say I tried it and move on? I am assuming a year, but I cannot even see myself waiting for a job that long. I know I need to start my career here, but I miss my family, I miss being in a historic culture. More than anything, I want to be abroad.

I thought by moving here, I would be over the travel bug and the desire to work in another country. Nope. Last night, I got a text from my high school friend saying she got a job in China, and will move there for a year in two weeks! What? She has never even studied abroad, and now she is leaving for a foreign culture just like that? I always thought that would be my adventure. Instead, I am here in LA trying to find a job not traveling.

I think I will get back into looking abroad for working possibilities. I have always pictured myself working in London for two years between the ages of 24-26. That time has almost come, and I want to o through with it. I see myself there in a year from now even if I get a job here in LA. I do not want to miss out on a time in life where I could have traveled and didn't. One thing is for certain, I cannot get this desire to be abroad to leave me, so maybe that is a possible calling. Starting next week, I will look to see what there is.

I just want to get started on accomplishing my life goals, and waiting around for a job is not cutting it. I want to travel in my down time, I want to write my children's book, I want to be accomplishing something despite the economy.

I have no idea how long I will be in LA. I see myself here for a few months, but then abroad come the fall if I do not have a job. I know this is where I need to start my career, but not sure if it is where I want to keep it. I just want to see more of the world that I have not seen. I should not just focus myself as to what is here in LA. Keep my options open. With that concept, I will also keep my options open to find my niche here too. I don't know if I fit any of the LA "labels" as I call them, but I think I need to give it more time.

The Next Chapter Begins

So Thursday 3/18, was a big day for me. I had meetings set up throughout the day, so I spent the entire day in LA. I had to make a meeting at 10:30am, which is a good time, but when the commute is 60 miles and on the worst highway for congested traffic in the nation, time is really against you. I left at 8:15am, after dropping my aunt off at work, and drove of highway 5. I had to take that from Laguna Beach to Burbank. I thought I had time, but traffic was obviously an obstacle. My aunt lent me her car for the day, which was great, but it was hard driving an unfamiliar car on unfamiliar roads with intense conditions. Anyway, I made it at 10:15am, and that wasn’t even bad traffic, just the tail end of rush hour.

My meeting went well. It was an informal interview or meeting with two contacts I met previously in April. I maintained contact with them every month since, and it looks like it has led to a job. Although it is not full time, it is a temporary position that will last through June. I will work Monday-Friday, 9-6, until then. I am so blessed because it is literally a dream come true! Not only do I have a way to survive for a few months in LA, I get a chance to save by making decent money, I get a job before I moved out there (I have known about this for almost a month), AND it is working for my dream company! I guess I can officially say it now:

Although it is temporary, I am the new employed Cast Member for Walt Disney Studios!!!

Ahhh! I have worked so hard to get a chance, and I got it. I got it all on my own. No one helped me, and I was told it wasn’t going to happen. I am so proud of myself. It felt great walking on the Disney lot with all the other executives that I have wanted to be and knowing that I belong there just as much as they do. I just hope it leads to more opportunities.

I feel very comfortable with this chance; I could not have asked for more. I guess the last 10 months since graduation may have paid off. Although I must remind you it is only through June, unless they get approval to go full time. We will see I guess. That is the biggest news of the day.

The rest of the day was wonderful. I drove around the city for a bit, and I didn’t realize just how much I have forgotten. I could not remember street names or directions. I just knew what they looked like visually, but not enough to know my way around. I was actually overwhelmed, because it scared me how out of place I felt. It was like returning home for the first time in months, and you cannot remember the exact locations of what you used to be familiar. I guess it will take time, and I have that.

After driving around (I was actually beyond lost for almost an hour), I went to meet up with an email contact I have had for three months. He runs a top make up and special effects studio. I walked in not knowing what to expect, but it was actually a pleasant trip. It made me realize just how different artistic and business people operate. These guys were artists. First, the office was a mess, pets were all throughout the building, and their “to do list” was written in their heads. They were so laid back, it amazes me they get things done. Their business seems to be run by “whatever happens happens” motto. Also, there were bloody horror masks and body parts all over the walls, along with posters of which they worked. My favorite touch was the Pirates posters, since he worked on the make up of those films, and of course, the Emmy.

He took me into the back of his studio where the artists were working on bullet wounds in clay and bulging intestines of puddy. Hundreds of heads were around and finished gruesome creatures. Crazy work though! I could not imagine making something like that. They are gifted.

Anyway, my conversation with my contact was pleasantly nice. He was open to my questions and explaining his way of life. He even said that if I were to ever get bored, just to come over to the studio. If I needed a friend, he offered himself as well as his staff as people to lean on. “We are family now,” he said. If I wanted to hang out after work and get a drink with them, I very easily could. His friendliness was not what I would expect from a veteran LAer. He even said that if I ever got lost, needed anything, had car trouble, whatever, to call him and let him know. He would look out for me. How much of that is true, I don’t know, but it was wonderful to be welcomed by a someone.

He also talked about opportunities to work with him this summer on some films he is working on developing. He may give me the chance to produce, meet the top producers he works with, etc. He even told me he would help me try to get on Pirates 4 (since he is working on the make up)!! I just hope he really follows through with his word. I will take it if it comes, I remain skeptical, but I hope for the best.

Then after meeting with him, I drove back to my old internship on the Universal lot. I met with those I worked with before to see how they were doing. I was so surprised on how happy people were to see me. I had dinner planned with my friend who is an executive assistant now, but I had to wait 1.5 hours for her to finish work. So I just talked to everyone. I was welcomed back by them all, even the ones I had a hard time working for.

I felt so much support from them it was amazing. They all asked me what my current situation was, and I said job hunting but working temporarily. They offered all of their resources to help me out because I was a stand out intern and one of the best. They even went as far to say that the first available position that comes up, I will be the first hired. I don’t know if that is true, but just the notion that they said that was amazing. I was also involved in some confidential discussions, and all I can say is “wow” to many of their projects. I guess working for one of the top TV Production companies in America has its perks.

It made me realize, I am so glad and happy I never burned any bridges. Ever. Even to those I did not like, I just put up with the work last year, and now, I have their full support. I know have contacts I didn’t know I had. This makes me really excited for the future.

The dinner I had with my friend was really nice. I learned just how hectic her life became, but enjoyed every moment. We ate up at Universal City walk in the Panda Garden, I think, it was Chinese. I didn’t finish eating till 9:15pm!

It was a full day. I left straight after that to Orange County. What took me 2 hours that morning, took less than an hour at night. I am just grateful I made it back.

Overall, this day was overwhelming with support and kindness. I landed a job (temporary) to start on Monday for my dream company, met with new contacts, saw LA, met with old contacts, and caught up with friends. What more could I ask for? What a great way to come back to LA.

I just feel like I can actually get somewhere now. At least I have the time too, and a gig that will buy me some time to survive. I just hope I make my parents proud. In fact I texted my mom telling her she would be proud of me today. I did everything on my own: endured the worst commute, get around unfamiliar areas, meet with people I pursued to network with, and landed a job with no one’s help but my own. To my happiness my mom responded, “I am very proud of U! U r well on ur way!” I guess that is true, it is my way, and I guess this is what true independence is beginning to feel like. It is good to have it back.

I have no idea how long I will stay in LA, but that is not to worry about now. It may not be my ideal living situation (like Orlando), but it has the opportunities I need at the moment. It is in God’s hands, and it seems my prayers and dreams are beginning to come true. What a good feeling.

Now I may be over exaggerating, but I haven’t felt this positive about something in a loooong time, so I will take in the moment. Well done, Ashley! 10 months of waiting post grad are over, and now, as my friend said perfectly, “The next chapter begins…”

I am worried about the commute on Monday, because I may have to leave at 6am to get there by 9am. I am exploring the idea of taking the train, but LA’s train system is not well developed. For that, I miss NYC. However, it may be the least stressful method until I get my car out here, and move into my own apartment, but it would take up the same amount of time. We will see. That is for another discussion.

It just seems like things are starting to fall into place a little bit. I praise God for that. What a wonderful start. For the first time, I realized it was like my mom’s other text, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” To that, here it goes… “The Next Chapter Begins…”

Orlando, a place called home

It is the end of another day, another day where I am not sure what I accomplished.  Each day feels like the one before it, and each weekday feels like a weekend, where no real significant events separate and define the days.  Some would call this a vacation, but I consider it the longest transition ever.

As of tonight, I left Orlando, Florida a month ago today. For those who do not know me, I work during breaks at Walt Disney World, but I recently had to leave.  The circumstances for why I left are insignificant now other than they were really out of my control.  Yes, I knew I was eventually going to leave soon, and I really just needed life to tell me when that time was.  That happened.  I left.  Honestly, if life didn't take control like I prayed it would, I don't think I would have left.  

I am the type of person who just wants to feel comfortable and like I fit in to my environment.  I never got that feeling with Boston (which will be explained in a later entry), and I never really felt that with my high school buddies.  Sure, I was liked and got along with others, but I never felt a coherent part of a group.  Of the group of girls I hung out with in high school, I don't see them that much because my dreams, goals, and personalities have always been different than others.  I have always been a bit of an outsider.  I don't mind it now, but it was awful during those middle school years.

Anyway, Orlando is basically the only place where I feel I can be totally me.  Totally free.  I explain to those who know me that I have two sides: my serious/northeastern side and my silly side.  I LOVE the person who I am when my silly side dominates.  In Orlando, I laugh as if I have never laughed before, act as if I am the super star in my own play, and honestly, I don't care who sees me.  When I am in NJ, I am expected to be serious, ambitious, professional, and well...reserved.  It is just the northeast way of life. 

Maybe it's the difference in culture, lifestyle, whatever; but I don't think so, for most of my friends I have in Orlando are not originally from Orlando.  They cross the whole span of the USA.  It is not the area that makes me love my life in Orlando, it is the people, the friendships.

These friendships are hard to explain to others outside of the Disney area, but there is just a strong and undeniable bond you have with any person you meet there.  People meet so easily because we all have given up a life back at home to be here, all here for the same reason: we all felt an urge to be there.  This bond becomes so strong, what would take 5 years in a friendship to know someone would take 5 weeks here.  This bond of everyone having to work together, live together, hang together, you actually HAVE to become friends or else you will be miserable.  People here come in and out so quickly, but we always find a way to come back.

This strong connection that I have with these people, is what many go without in a lifetime, and I am so lucky that I have experienced.  Looking back at it now, I can say that Orlando was where I became an adult.  I never felt so happy with myself, I learned so much of my good and bad qualities.  It has brought out the good in me.  It was my coming of age story.

This is why I have been going back for 3.5 years.  This is why I went back for 7 months after graduation. The friendships that I have feel as if they are unbreakable.  I wish I could take my friends with me wherever I go in life, but I know that cannot happen.

Orlando itself is not an area I would ever want to live life permanently, it is where I escape from it.  It is hard for my friends and family to get why I leave so often, and it is hard to tell my FL friends why I don't stay.  I just hope they get it eventually. 

But all good things come to an end.  I left a month ago today, and this day became the hardest day of my, young adult life.  Not an inch of my body and heart wanted to leave what is my home, but duty called.  It is hard to say that I am moving on, because I know it will never officially end for me.  As long as my friends are there, then I have a home to go back too, and how long can one deny returning home?

I believe whole heartedly that things happen for a reason.  I may not have been ready to leave a month ago, but there was a purpose to why I did.  I may not ever understand it, but it is all part of the plan.

This last month has been full of emotions.  Sadness, loneliness, fear, hope, happiness, anger, excitement... you name it I have felt it and still feel it.   

If you ask me "How am I doing?" Well...I am doing a LOT better. The days are getting easier.  At first I could barely hold back tears as I realized my move back home meant no independence. I felt as if I failed. I failed and came back with nothing more than 30 bucks to show for it.  Now the days go by with little to no excitement.  I wake up at 11.30, do sudoku, ride the excercise bike, go on the computer and apply for jobs.  That is my day.  There are days I get sad, but I realize that something bigger is coming.  I do not have tears anymore, but just the occasional sadness filled with great anxiousness.

I am realizing the fact that life is not meant to be planned and predictable, it's just the opposite. I am just glad I finally found the place and the people that I just click with, even if it was only meant to be temporary.  

I miss FL, Disney, my friends, my apt...my roommate especially.  I just cannot wait to return one day.  I just hope life points me in the right direction again because I surrender all control.

Thank you Orlando for your hospitality.  

It has been a month back in NJ.  Only God knows how much longer.