I am afraid I am about to sound a bit bi-polar in this entry compared to the last one with more excitement, but I think you are all used to that by now.
I guess I have hit another funk today, and it seems to be affecting my mood. I think it has a large part to do with my broken back this week (I have a slipped disk and it's really killing me at this very moment.). Even with a broken back, I seem to feel lost for a direction again.
I really feel I have slowed down the pace of my life since Ihave returned from NJ a great deal. It is nice to just take life one day at a time. However, I am now borderlining boredom! I hate, hate, hate boredom. There are so many other things I want to do with my life, and being bored just unnerves me.
Work has been super, super slow, which is unusual for a production office, and when I do work it is all the straight forward filing, copy, scan. It is all intern work except for the $$$. I am fine with it, but I am feeling stifled. I am feeling underused and not reaching my full potential.
I WANT A JOB THAT USES MY TALENTS!! I want to be a leader, I want to be used for my strengths. I am a STRONG organizer, strong multi-tasker who is very meticulous to every details. I love being in charge of the puzzle and making all the pieces fit. I am creative and I need a fast apced-creative work enviornment.
I want to be important and have lots of responsibilities. I am not searching for fame, that is dumb, but I am looking to be important to others for what I do at work. This is the "super career" I have previsouly mentioned. I want to move up the ranks, USE MY BRAIN to solve issues. I want to be challenged in a creative way. I am always proud of my work, so I want to be important and the best at what I do, darn it!! Why is this so hard to find a job?!
I know I need to start from the ground up, and I am. But i feel I am not getting anywhere once again. I am not producing, I am not getting the basic ground work done that I need. I just applied for a job that would allow me to start the ground work for Good Morning America, and I was just told they closed the position.
Temping is great, but I feel like I am putting all of my eggs into one basket. I am not being challenged intellectually; it is all straight forward. I am tired of asking the smallest question which seems to undermine my true intelligence. They are not going to just hand me a job. I need to start pushing and meeting again, so within the last few hours, I have reached out to about 5 new execs with no responses as of yet.
I feel like my brain is rotting. I am a girl who's identity was through excelling in academics as a kid and in college. I want to be known for being smart, and have people want to use me for those issues.
Due to my stifled conditions, I have had the notion I cannot trust the world to do anything for me no matter how hard I try. I need to take actions into my own hands. I have had the idea of starting an organizing service as a way to make money for clients who need that. I have thought of starting my own production company, but I have no collateral for that. I have had the ideas of children's story books for me to write which have popped into my head. I was even thinking of hair modeling since this is the talent capital of the world.
I feel lost for a direction in my career, and really bummed in the fact that I am no where near landing a job again. Why can I not find a job? I am just soooo frustrated because I feel like I am missing my chance to get the foundation set for a great career. Am I not going to get there? How can I be successful when this much time has elapsed and I don't have much to show for it?
Maybe I was not meant for a career and the idea of being a stong leader/businesswoman is just silly. I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer for anyone, but I am really low in spirit this week, which is not like me. It sucks being in a funk.
I have to trust God that it will all work out, but I am in real need of company. I am in need of a friend and a hug today. I feel so far away from everything that I want, love and need. Please tell me it will all work out. I feel so lost again, and I want to just get to where I was meant to be. What is my calling?!!? Why can I not find it yet after all this year has put me through?!
Okay, I am going to go cool off. Sorry for this really morbid note. I just want to use my talents and not feel so bored. Does anyone have an opening for talent? I am available.
Showing posts with label angry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label angry. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Worst Day Ever
(written 4.19.10)
I am starting to look back at these posts and I realize I am coming across as almost bipolar. I am sorry to those of you who read this, not sure why you would, but to inform you, I am not bipolar. I just have some really good days and then some really bad ones. I tell you how I see it, feel it, and how it is.
Today, unfortunately was one of the worst. I will leave out the details for confidential reasons, but let's just say, it was not a good day. I know this is LA, and this happens all the time, and for goodness sake, this is just a temp position. But still, it still hurt. I did not see my last day coming to an end like that. I thought for sure it would have been better.
I called my parents to tell them how upset I was and how awful my day was. The tears finally flowed. I felt like such an idiot. I can handle this, I can be tough, but at that moment, i felt anything but.
I know this week will get better, and that time will tell where I go next. I know, too, that this was a blessing in disguise because I was truly not meant to be there full time. Everything happens for a reason, and I need to trust that. I need to trust God, and this is a trying moment for me.
I gave God my future out here, and I know this all must be part of the plan, but it is so hard to trust the unknown. I am scared, and I feel so inadequate. I don't want this obstacle to change me or lead me to questioning the dream out here, but it is hard to stay positive today.
Why did I come out here? I don't have much to fall back on. More than anything, I want my family here to hug me and tell me it is alright. Where did I go wrong? Is this dream worth it? Is this idea I have of my life worth leaving my friends and family for over 3000 miles to work towards? Why can I not just be happy by living at home? I am never satisfied. When I am at home, I want to be somewhere else. When I am in FL, I know I am leaving and work there is not enough. When I am in LA, I want to be home. What am I not content with where I am!? Why?!
Why is it for every step forward I feel there is another leap back? I do not want to second guess myself or my abilities, but it is really hard not too right now. Am I that inadequate I lasted a month? Are my dreams bigger than what I can actually achieve? Why is it that I am never content?
I will stop with the self pity, but today just escalated these doubts that have been on my mind anyway. Randy Pausch, of the Last Lecture, summarizes it perfectly, "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough." Is this really what I want? I am trying hard to penetrate this wall of the Studios, and I look forward to when it breaks.I know I will come out stronger and laugh at this, but right now it is not that funny.
The only humor I could find with this situation, is that it actually parallels Conan's late-night Jay Leno/NBC situation. Think about it...
- I take over a new role for someone who wasn't working out and going on to something new.
- I was told I would be there for a longer period of time.
- Then suddenly, due to "business" reasons, I am being let go early.
- Not only that, but the person to fill my spot was the original person who held this position (like Jay coming back for 11:30).
- In the end, I have to leave the company all together in hopes of finding another path.
Does that make sense? I feel you Conan!
Right now, everything seems so confusing and cloudy, but I hope it will one day become clear. Until then, I will leave you with Randy Pausch's quote, which perfectly summarizes the situation. I am leaving here with experience, so I have not failed. To that I am completely grateful. Sorry for the downtrodden entry, but I had to get it out.
"Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted." -Randy Pausch
I am starting to look back at these posts and I realize I am coming across as almost bipolar. I am sorry to those of you who read this, not sure why you would, but to inform you, I am not bipolar. I just have some really good days and then some really bad ones. I tell you how I see it, feel it, and how it is.
Today, unfortunately was one of the worst. I will leave out the details for confidential reasons, but let's just say, it was not a good day. I know this is LA, and this happens all the time, and for goodness sake, this is just a temp position. But still, it still hurt. I did not see my last day coming to an end like that. I thought for sure it would have been better.
I called my parents to tell them how upset I was and how awful my day was. The tears finally flowed. I felt like such an idiot. I can handle this, I can be tough, but at that moment, i felt anything but.
I know this week will get better, and that time will tell where I go next. I know, too, that this was a blessing in disguise because I was truly not meant to be there full time. Everything happens for a reason, and I need to trust that. I need to trust God, and this is a trying moment for me.
I gave God my future out here, and I know this all must be part of the plan, but it is so hard to trust the unknown. I am scared, and I feel so inadequate. I don't want this obstacle to change me or lead me to questioning the dream out here, but it is hard to stay positive today.
Why did I come out here? I don't have much to fall back on. More than anything, I want my family here to hug me and tell me it is alright. Where did I go wrong? Is this dream worth it? Is this idea I have of my life worth leaving my friends and family for over 3000 miles to work towards? Why can I not just be happy by living at home? I am never satisfied. When I am at home, I want to be somewhere else. When I am in FL, I know I am leaving and work there is not enough. When I am in LA, I want to be home. What am I not content with where I am!? Why?!
Why is it for every step forward I feel there is another leap back? I do not want to second guess myself or my abilities, but it is really hard not too right now. Am I that inadequate I lasted a month? Are my dreams bigger than what I can actually achieve? Why is it that I am never content?
I will stop with the self pity, but today just escalated these doubts that have been on my mind anyway. Randy Pausch, of the Last Lecture, summarizes it perfectly, "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough." Is this really what I want? I am trying hard to penetrate this wall of the Studios, and I look forward to when it breaks.I know I will come out stronger and laugh at this, but right now it is not that funny.
The only humor I could find with this situation, is that it actually parallels Conan's late-night Jay Leno/NBC situation. Think about it...
- I take over a new role for someone who wasn't working out and going on to something new.
- I was told I would be there for a longer period of time.
- Then suddenly, due to "business" reasons, I am being let go early.
- Not only that, but the person to fill my spot was the original person who held this position (like Jay coming back for 11:30).
- In the end, I have to leave the company all together in hopes of finding another path.
Does that make sense? I feel you Conan!
Right now, everything seems so confusing and cloudy, but I hope it will one day become clear. Until then, I will leave you with Randy Pausch's quote, which perfectly summarizes the situation. I am leaving here with experience, so I have not failed. To that I am completely grateful. Sorry for the downtrodden entry, but I had to get it out.
"Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted." -Randy Pausch
Friday, April 30, 2010
The Biggest Let Down
This was written on Monday and Tuesday 4/12 and 4/13th. Not published until now for when the blog was in chronological order...
The Biggest Letdown
Today can go down as the worst day since I got here. I did not even see this coming. I feel so upset, angry, disappointed, everything. I feel like my plan just came to a screeching halt, and there is nothing I can do about it! Where did I go wrong?
"What happened," you ask? Well, I will just get straight to it. I was let go. I have not even had it yet for a month! 3 weeks! How embarrassing. I am so embarrassed that I did could not even call my parents and tell them. Who loses their job after 3 measly weeks? This will definitely go down in the record books! Am I just supposed to sit there and take it, or can I stand up for myself? I just took it and said I understood that she was looking for more experience, but I had no idea that she would be cutting me off within the week! I still have 2.5 months left. What about June!?
I left work with my head held high, and tried not to cry. It was so hard to stay professional when all I wanted to do was scream and run into solitude. I feel like I have been hit by a large anvil that is crushing me from the weight. Is this what it feels like to have your heart broken? If so, I never want to experience this again.
All I want to do tonight is curl up in a ball and cry. I feel like I have completely and utterly failed. I have let myself down, my family down, and my co-workers down. But what is worst of all is, I have no idea where I went wrong! I can tell you it was not based on performance, but the rest is confidential.
I know this is LA, and this is the business, but I feel like I am just getting started. I was just gaining momentum in networking, in trying to accomplish my goal to get on Pirates 4, but now, that momentum has come to a screeching halt. I feel like I just got my feet warm and was about to dive in, but now the chance has ended. I hate the feeling that I didn't have time to prove myself, I did not have time to live up to my potential. With that concept, I feel like I failed.
I know I should not second guess myself and why I came out here, because that will not change anything, but it is hard not to look back and wonder. This is definitely making me question my dream, but I don't even want to go that far into it. It is just too painful. Some of the questions that arise from that are: "Am I meant for this?", "What made me think I could do this?", "Are my dreams bigger than what is actually possible?" I won't explore those thoughts now, but they are definitely coming.
Maybe I am being to sorry for myself, but I cannot help but feel really disappointed. Is this one of those life tests to see if I can make it in the real world? If so, I don't like it, but I know I will be okay... eventually. I will take this last week at work, and work it really hard in networking and getting contacts. That will be my new goal. I have to stay focused on the task at hand, and accomplish what I came here to do. I will take this and run with it.
Who knows, maybe I do not see it now, but this could be a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason, right? Right, God?! I think this is just another one of those tests not just in life, but in faith. That is another entry, though. Let's just say I am not looking forward to my last day, which is now 2.5 months early.
okay, I am going to go try and eat dinner. Goodnight.
"What happened," you ask? Well, I will just get straight to it. I was let go. I have not even had it yet for a month! 3 weeks! How embarrassing. I am so embarrassed that I did could not even call my parents and tell them. Who loses their job after 3 measly weeks? This will definitely go down in the record books! Am I just supposed to sit there and take it, or can I stand up for myself? I just took it and said I understood that she was looking for more experience, but I had no idea that she would be cutting me off within the week! I still have 2.5 months left. What about June!?
I left work with my head held high, and tried not to cry. It was so hard to stay professional when all I wanted to do was scream and run into solitude. I feel like I have been hit by a large anvil that is crushing me from the weight. Is this what it feels like to have your heart broken? If so, I never want to experience this again.
All I want to do tonight is curl up in a ball and cry. I feel like I have completely and utterly failed. I have let myself down, my family down, and my co-workers down. But what is worst of all is, I have no idea where I went wrong! I can tell you it was not based on performance, but the rest is confidential.
I know this is LA, and this is the business, but I feel like I am just getting started. I was just gaining momentum in networking, in trying to accomplish my goal to get on Pirates 4, but now, that momentum has come to a screeching halt. I feel like I just got my feet warm and was about to dive in, but now the chance has ended. I hate the feeling that I didn't have time to prove myself, I did not have time to live up to my potential. With that concept, I feel like I failed.
I know I should not second guess myself and why I came out here, because that will not change anything, but it is hard not to look back and wonder. This is definitely making me question my dream, but I don't even want to go that far into it. It is just too painful. Some of the questions that arise from that are: "Am I meant for this?", "What made me think I could do this?", "Are my dreams bigger than what is actually possible?" I won't explore those thoughts now, but they are definitely coming.
Maybe I am being to sorry for myself, but I cannot help but feel really disappointed. Is this one of those life tests to see if I can make it in the real world? If so, I don't like it, but I know I will be okay... eventually. I will take this last week at work, and work it really hard in networking and getting contacts. That will be my new goal. I have to stay focused on the task at hand, and accomplish what I came here to do. I will take this and run with it.
Who knows, maybe I do not see it now, but this could be a blessing in disguise. Everything happens for a reason, right? Right, God?! I think this is just another one of those tests not just in life, but in faith. That is another entry, though. Let's just say I am not looking forward to my last day, which is now 2.5 months early.
okay, I am going to go try and eat dinner. Goodnight.
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