Different People, All the Same Questions

I went home at the end of July and I met up with some of my high school friends. I had a great time, but I am starting to feel the difference in time and distance spent away from them. Usually it used to feel like when I saw them, it was just like old times. Now, as we come into our own people, I am realizing that I do not know them as much as I used too. So when I met up with them this one night, I realized that even though we are different people, we were all going through the same things in different ways.

Our girl's night ended up bringing up they usual topics: boys, school, family, etc.. But what surprised me about this night was just how much we are starting to really contemplate our futures. No longer are the decision we make just because we want too. I feel like all of us are really starting to think about the future, and being young women, what do we choose for jobs, our future families, and where we want to settle.

I was surprised on how we all connected on trying to figure out where we want to settle. This is as much a mystery as it is to them. Personally, I have no clue where I want to end up, but definitely not California. I have been thinking a lot lately about the East Coast all the way to the South, but especially abroad. For the girls, some of them were also thinking the south as well as places they have never been too before. I was surprised at this because I always thought they would want to stay NorthEast forever and ever, guess not. The idea that I am not the only one trying to figure things out was comforting and really good to know. It was nice to know we are all considering many of the same things.

Of course the "boy relationship" conversations came up, and that was interesting. Some were starting to contemplate engagement, others were not. Regardless of our relationship status, we all were thinking about our futures as women. Do we want a career vs. stay at home mom? Do we want the best of both worlds? Is it really possible to have it all? I of course would love to say, yes to this, but seeing how much of a balance I have with it just being me, I can't imagine trying it with a family.

We all want a family of our own, there is no denying that. I am just shocked as to how much this matters in my decision making process because 5 years ago, I never really considered it. Now, what will happen in our futures are huge deals for us, and obviously life changers. Personally, I want a career more than anything right now. I want to go up the ladder and make a name for myself. But that is only until I want/have a family of my own. I know I want kids, and a big family, but I am unsure of what I will do in terms of a career. Deep down, I have a feeling that I will become a stay-at-home mom, like my mother was, but maybe just have a side business or projects to work on as well. I want to have a great family that is close, settled, and rooted in a good neighborhood lifestyle. I obviously cannot make this decision now, but just starting to even think about it seriously is a huge deal in all of our minds.

I guess overall, the thing that us as young women are dealing with are all the same. We know that life is ours for the taking now, and we can do what we want. But what we struggle with is how much do we let the unknown future affect our decision making process? That is one tough question, but I am glad I am not facing it alone.

It was also great to understand that even though we come from the same background, town, high school, group of friends, etc, we have such different lives. Not one of our lives are the same. That is so exciting. I look forward to what the future brings, but I am also scared to see it come true. We go forwards with no idea of what will come, but we have our dreams, and we have our questions. Hopefully we will find answers on the way.

HOME… Definitely Where the Heart Is!

(written Monday, May 23^rd)

So I am back on the EAST COAST!!! I cannot believe it has been 9 months! I have been waiting for this day to come. A chance to just clear my head, and relax being home. I cannot tell you how good this feels!

Winter is gone, but the weather is still ADD. I landed at 1:30am on Saturday. The country has been filled with rough storms, including record # of tornadoes, so I face a few delays. We made an emergency stop 100 miles away from my first destination because we were running out of fuel and could not wait in the air for the weather to clear up. Anyway, the weather at home has been chilly. Only a high of near 60, so I am back in my pants and sweaters for now. The sun has not shown in 3 days. Just cloudy rain clouds without the rain. I will take it because I really miss thunderstorms!! I hope to hear thunder while I am here.

My first day home was great. I spent time with my sister peppering the volleyball in the backyard (it’s our old pastime). We also had a good heart-to-heart chat about her upcoming year playing for Marquette Volleyball. I am so proud of her and all she has done! Stay with it, Casey!

After playing for a few hours, our brother and father joined in! Our dad likes to see how high he can hit the ball in the air, and he can hit the top of the trees!! The afternoon was just family time in the backyard until dinner. The five of us plus our grandmother went out to Outback Steakhouse for some good steak dinners. It was delicious!

I am so happy to see my grandmother. She means the world to me, and she is what coming home is all about. It was almost surreal knowing I was in Monterey just yesterday and now I am eating with my family in Jersey! Nuts!

Saturday was supposedly the day of Rapture…the end of the world. Although it was a crazy idea, there were some really dark clouds that formed over head just a few minutes before 6pm! If I was going to die, and least I was with my family! Luckily, no Rapture happened, but now it won’t until October, so who knows!

After dinner, we all went out to Red Mango for dessert. Delicious! Our night soon turned out to be movie night. We were all in our food comas, so we watched the commercial-free movie of PIRATES: At World’s End on tv. Then after that, we also watched Tangled. YAY Disney Family night! Corny as it sounds, it was an ideal night to have during the end of the world.

Sunday, yesterday, I said goodbye to Casey. I know she is going to do well this summer and season for school. After she was gone, we just relaxed! I saw my cousins for about 15 minutes as they stopped by, and I watched tv with my parents. At night, we had Taylor Pork Roll sandwiches!! This is by far one of the biggest things I miss!!! Delicious!

After dinner, I played Scrabble with my parents. I lost of course, but they will “always” be a lot smarter than me. :D It was a great game.

That takes us to today, Monday. I cleaned out my entire room! I went through all my clothes, junk, and papers. I am so proud of all everything I threw out. I know some charity will be really happy. It feels great to be in such a clean room and comfy bed once again.

There really is no substitute for sleeping in your own bed. It is just a priceless commodity that tells you everything is okay.

What a great first weekend home! Taylor pork roll, steak dinner, BAGELS, family games, seeing grandma and cousins, and no agenda!! Perfect!

I hope tomorrow is just as grand. Until then… night!

Weekend of Figuring it Out

(written for weekend 4/9-4/11)

This was my first true weekend in LA, since I moved out here. It was great. I tried some new activities that I normally would not do.

First, I went to a Michael Buble concert on Friday night. I was on the fence about it because of the expensive ticket price, but I went after some convincing. I went with a former co-intern. It was great to see her again. The concert was good, not sure if it was worth the 100 bucks, but glad I went.

My friend then drove me around the actual downtown city of LA. There is absolutely no night life there. It is all corporate banks, but becomes a ghost town after hours. You would think the "downtown" section would have life, but not here.

On Saturday, I literally just worked on my computer for hours updating contacts, researching, and procrastinating too. I wanted a good day off. I spent it in my room, but then I thought about it, and where else would I go? What to do on a Saturday? I plan on doing more next weekend.

Saturday night, I met up with a friend of mine and we drove around to Pasadena. That is a really nice suburb outside of LA. We caught up with two others and had dinner in Hollywood at a local cafe area. Food was great. These are the people I interned with last year, so it was great to see them again. After dinner, we went to our favorite tradition after class, and went to Millions of Milkshakes. Now there is a great store!

Then after that, we were invited to a house party somewhere a few blocks over. I knew I was in LA because the party had a castle float in the backyard! Wow, they are crazy. About 50 drunk people running into an inflatable castle was quite the scene.

Then on Sunday, I tried going to a local Presbyterian Church, but I did not like it at all. There was no life, no youth. It smelt old, and was full of people I could not relate too. I just wanted to get out of there so quickly. The message too, was not to my liking, so I will not be going back. But hey, I tried right?

After church I drove to the Rose Bowl trying to find the guys I know play ultimate Frisbee. I was expecting no one to be there. To my astonishment, there was a giant flea market with thousands of people! I was just trying to find random guys playing Frisbee, not trying to get lost in the crowds. I eventually found them, but I was so lost!

The Frisbee game consisted of about 20 random assortment of guys from middle age to college. Most were nice, but when they consisted I play with them, I could not say no. I knew I would get some exercise too.

It has been so hard to exercise since I have been here. I commuted every day for almost 4 hours, so no exercise. I work at a desk, no exercise. I don't know the streets well enough to run at night after work, so no exercise. There is a gym at work, but there is a waiting list, and I am technically not hired full time, so no exercise. It just doesn't happen. I miss my vball team for that reason. So how could I not take advantage of this?

It was great fun. I was a bit off, but the guys were impressed. I body checked one of them by accident. eek.

After the game we went to eat at Oinkers, a slow fast-food place. They had a great Pastrami sandwich. Then at night, we went to see Date Night with Tina Fey and Steve Carell.

Overall, it was a great and busy weekend. I hung out with the same 3 people the whole time, but hey, I need them. Here is to a good and busy first weekend in LA. Let's see how this upcoming week goes!

A New Place, A New Phase

I consider myself to now be in the "second phase" of adjusting to LA life. My first phase was "initiation". It lasted two weeks. I stayed with my aunt and uncle, waited for my car, apt shopped, and had my first real earthquake. Initiation ended the day after Easter because... I moved into my new Temporary apartment!

I am now living in a new apt, which is in a more urban area, but it has no tall buildings. LA is weird like that. There are no buildings taller than the streets are wide.

I am not sure what to call this new phase, other than temporary. I have agreed to sign the three month lease on this apartment until end of June, in case I do not have a job by then. The apartment is great. Cozy and country feeling.

I am not sure what is going to happen come June, but I am trying to look into maybe moving to a house with others. Just a thought at the moment. I like my current room, but I still look forward to calling a room my own. Subletting just does not give you that chance.

My first night in the new room was alright. The floor creeks like no other! The paintings on the wall freak me out a bit, and I have tree branches swaying outside my window, which creates interesting shadows in the room. Sleeping in a bed other than your own is always a different experience. You may sleep well, but you just don't feel rejuvenated as if you were home. This will take some getting used too.

As this week has moved on, I have come to realize just how isolated I can feel sometimes. My day consists of working, and then back to the apt. I should be living an LA lifestyle, but I don't know many people to go out with. My social life is not there. My roommate does her own thing, so my nights are just me and the tv or computer in my room. It's not bad, but it is just lonely.

I noticed that I felt this way a lot at home in Jersey. It just seems I am never socially okay. I don't like the isolation, and feeling away from everyone else, but life has me here. I miss being able to drive 5 blocks to grandma's house, or 5 miles to a friend's. The time difference is making it hard to call people after work. By the time I get home and had dinner, it is now 11pm or later back on the East coast. The only time I have to talk is usually during the lunch hour. Or when my best friends are off at work, I am at work. This time difference just feels like it is enhancing the isolation even more, and when isolation grows, so does the homesickness and loneliness.

I look forward to the day where I find a volleyball team or a league/club to be a part of. I look forward to the day where I have some friends, although they will never live up to my current friends, to have a social life. I do not want to sound depressed, because I am not. It is what it is. I chose this move, so I have to deal with being lonely for a while. If only I could combine my family in Jersey, friends and enviornment in FL and move them here to the weather and work in California, then I would be really happy. But that is a dream, and not realistic. I know this "isolation" phase is temporary, but so is the living situation.

It seems everything is temporary until June. Welcome to the three month "temporary" phase of figuring everything out. Let's see where life goes. Here is to my family and friends! I miss you all so much.