Letters to My 35 Year Old Self

I think about my future a lot, as every person does. I worry about it, I stress about it, and most importantly, I dream about it.

Well, with life being as crazy as it is at times, I often question, as I did in the last post, what my future will look like. I do not want to know the answer, but I wish I knew if I turned out fine or if life was worth all the worry it is now.

People ask me in interviews, “Where do you see yourself in ten years?” It is an interesting topic to thing about, but what is even more interesting is what will the 35 year old version of me be like? Will I still look and act the same? Will I have it all? Will I have nothing?

Despite these questions, I think one of the most interesting questions to ask is “What would my 35 year old self say to me in present day?” What advice would you have given yourself when you were younger? Would you have told yourself to be more confient? Be more outgoing? Be more cautious? What advice would you have given yourself knowing how you turn out?

Personally, I think the 35 year old version of myself would say to present-day me: don’t worry so much, and relax to enjoy the journey. I think these are the hardest two concepts for me to attempt. As you know, I am a hardcore worrywart! It is engrained in me; I was born this way. I worry about every step I take, every career path I choose. I am afraid to make a mistake, and because I am like that… (That leads me to point Number 2. )

…I need to enjoy the journey. Because I do worry so much, and I plan the future way further than I have control, I cannot enjoy the moment. I need to embrace my youth and have the time of my life. I need to let go and just be present.

Of course that is much easier said than done. Fortunately, these are the two concepts I am learning through my boyfriend. He has been telling me to relax and stop worrying since I met him. We are opposites in many ways, but this is how an opposite becomes a strength. He has shown me how to chill and enjoy each day as if it were our last. Who knows what the future holds, so how can we plan for it? As far as making a mistake goes, he repeats his newly adopted life motto: there is no right or wrong. Just A or B.

This new perspective does holds a lot of insight. I think if I can see the world through those lenses, maybe I will be able to strengthen my greatest weaknesses – patience and remaining calm.

Think about it…What would your 10 year old, older self say to you in present day? OR, what would your current self say to your future-self 10 years from now?

Dear 35-Year-Old Ashley,

I hope that when I meet you, I am able to look back upon my youth and be proud of how I survived, and hopefully be surrounded by great accomplishments and stories to share with you. I hope to be a happy and strong woman. I may not be near any version of you yet, but I hope to make you proud. I hope we turn out alright.

Until then… see you in 10 years.

PS. Any tips on how to stop worrying?

Shattered Glass

(written May 6^th)

Let me just say I am feel like a piece of glass on the verge of shattering into a thousand pieces. You know that feeling of tons of pressure on your chest that you can barely breathe? I feel like if I inhale even one more breath I will pop like an overinflated balloon. I am on the delicate edge from falling and I am drowning in my own sadness.

I can barely breathe as I write this, but I need to get this out… or what I can.

This week has just been the worst week emotionally for me. I want to cry it out, but I just can’t. I feel like if I cry and breakdown, this negative world wins.

“What’s happened?” you ask. In short, it’s a mixture of everything, but the cherry on top is I got rejected from my dream job today. The one position I fought to interview for and I thought I had. I got a hint of that possibility yesterday when HR called me and said they may offer it someone else, but they were not sure. I refused to believe it. I continued to go on another interview with Nickelodeon, but my emotions and bubbly personality were really not there. All I want is to go home.

I went to the gym yesterday and ran. I ran for an hour nonstop, which I never do. I was running everything, every emotion, every experience, out. I listened to Evanescence (great angry music btw), and it was in that moment. My friend, Lauren, showed up and I could barely hold it together. I just felt like I was about to shatter. I mentioned going home for a second, and even the thought of that got me teary-eyed.

Then today, I just wasn’t having it. It was hard to wake up because I didn’t want to face the potential bad news. I went on another interview, which like all others, seems to go well, but I emotionally just was not there. I bought my ticket to go home last week, and right now that is the only place I want to be.

After the interview, I got the official word from my dream job executive, and he said they offered it to another person. I asked why I didn’t get it, and they said they really liked me and I did nothing wrong. Of course, those are the words a broken heart really does not want to hear after the news is out.

An hour later, my good friend, Chris, came to hang out with me, and we went to the DMV. In the car, I could barely speak because I was so upset with losing this job. That job represented everything for which I had moved out here, and I really thought I had it. The fact that I got rejected from over 5 jobs this week alone and now this one, plus being really homesick, missing Easter, and just being in a depressed state of mind… I can’t hold it all in anymore.

“I AM MAD AS HELL AND I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” SERIOUSLY!

When I got to the DMV, the clerk was a real jerk. I couldn’t concentrate on getting my license plates because I was mentally checked out. He told me I owed him more money for the value of the car or something like that and … I just lost it. I started crying in front of the guy.

Chris came over and helped me, but I could not stop crying in front of both of them. Chris took me out to ice cream, but even during the ride I was crying. I just can’t breathe.

Even as I write this, I still get teary eyed. I feel like my heart has shattered into thousands of pieces. I feel like I am letting my family down once again. This trip home cannot come soon enough.

To make matters even better, I have to work BJs tonight. I am not in a state of mind at all to be in front of people. I just want to sit in. My emotions are gone, and mentally I am home in NJ. Just two more weeks… God get me there faster.

Right now, I am just in a spiral of depression and disappointment. What more do I need to do to get in?! Why am I sacrificing being away from my friends and family?! Is this all worth it? I just keep praying that I will be guided in the right direction. Today it feels like… feels like nothing. I cannot feel anymore.

I am going to go because if I write anymore I am going to breakdown and shatter.

Dear Home- you could not feel further away from me right now in time and distance.

This will take some time to get over… until then. Bye.

P.S. Sorry Mom and Dad for crying over the phone to tell you the news. I will make you proud one day.

Mind My Worst Enemy

Usually, I am a pretty good sleeper. I go to bed and tend to pass out within a few minutes and sleep without waking up. I love to get about 8-9 hours of sleep a day, but lately, my mind has become my worst enemy.

It seems my brain doesn't get the memo that night time is when you are supposed to calm down. Instead, my mind seems to race once the lights turn off. It is quite annoying actually. I guess instead of dreaming, I end up day dreaming... at night... quite intensely. I don't mean too, it just happens.

This isn't anything new either. It really started back about a month and a half ago, when I was really starting to get stressed about life and its direction. I would think about everything and anything. Then it really sped up once I bought my ticket in February to move to LA. I would start thinking about where I would live, who I would stay with and then the future of my apartment.

That sounds all healthy and good, but I can get carried away, like excessively.

For example, about my future apartment, I start thinking about the wall colors, the cover rug and the plates. I want a queen size bed for the first time with the comforter from the Sheraton Inn with a few pillows to make it fluffy and soft. Soft enough for a cat to sleep on. So now, I want a cat! What kind? I was thinking a handicapped tabby of some sort calling it Angel. I want it to be near me because I miss my cats so much at home. Oh back to the rug. I was thinking the purple one from PB Teen with the white polka dots. That would cover enough floor space to make it feel like I have a carpet.

Oh, I have some pots and things my grandmother gave me in boxes since she moved from her condo. Those would be great to use. But how am I going to get those shipped out west without breaking them, since they are all ceramic? I could pay for shipping, or maybe my brother would want to do a road trip this summer, but with what car? Our van is breaking, I have the other, my mom needs the Murano to drive our sister, and Dad has a company car. Ooooo.... cars, I want to buy a new car someday. What to get? I really want the ice blue color on a small car. It should also have a sun roof and non leather seats. I like carpeted seats. Speaking of carpet, I really want that PB Teen rug! I also want the mattress that James has because you feel like you are floating on a cloud! I need to look into that. I wonder what it is like to float in a cloud? I should go sky diving! That way I can figure it out and accomplish a life goal! Oh, I have to finish that life goal project.....

ANYWAY, you see how it keeps going? There is no stop! Sometimes it keeps me up for around 3 hours. That is the downside.

I know I am a big worrier as it is, but this doesn't help. Where is my off switch? I guess it is a good thing to be aware of what is going on, and to have a plan, but it's crazy! I should do that during daylight hours. I keep a notepad by my bed just in case I remember something I need to do or look up in the morning.

Lately though, it has gotten better. I made the move to Cali, so that got rid of some worry. However, now I am always thinking about work, a future job, and what my apt will look like. Also, I have been thinking about the roommate possibilities, how I still need to make it to Savannah for my borther's college graduation, NJ for my sister's high school graduation, and about my friends in FL and how I can remain seasonal at WDW. I hope I can remain seasonal there, because it is important to me.

So you see, my mind is always going. I remember a friend of mine told me I need to take an actual "chill pill" and there is medicine for that. Anyway, does anyone else have this problem? My mind is my own worst enemy. I just need to find the off switch.

Okay, this post took a lot of energy. I need to go take a nap.... if my mind will let me.