Weekly Dilemma... Smoothest or Hardest Course?

(written Wednesday 10/7- Sunday 10/10/10)

Alright, I have calmed down from my last post yesterday. Sorry, I just had to vent and this seemed a great platform to do so. How are you, my followers, doing? I hope you are all doing alright. The weather here is LA has been so strange lately. Always foggy, and not even around 70 degrees; just like Fall! YAY!

Well, like always, I have had a few thoughts running through my head this week, and I am not sure what to do. I have been struggling a bit over the last six months to find a job as you know. I seem to know a lot of people, and yet, nothing has landed. I know something will soon, but that is not the point. Throughout this process, I feel as if I have been open minded to where I land for the first job. Yes, I have an ideal start, but that is not the only thing I am pursuing. I have had interviews for all sorts of jobs, but lately, I have been thinking, maybe I am too picky? Have a been blind to what is right in front of me?

A few weeks ago, I gave a friend of mine a connection that led to a job. I acutally was able to give someone else a job. She was the second person I did that too. How am I able to help others but not myself? Funny, right? Well, I had an hour talk with her the other night about where she is currently working. She is working as a PA in an animation studio that does straight to DVD projects. She told me to not be picky and look into this. She absolutely loves her job, and the best part is: it's with Disney. She is so happy there. Her enthusiasm has made me second guess my process out here, hence my weekly dilemma.

Should I seriously consider working where I could have an easy in, even though it is not at all what I want to do, and still look for something else? Or, should I just work there, grin and bear it, and get experience knowing I will leave it soon? If I go to this department, would it be surrendering on pursuing my path for live television? Am I stupid for not going where I have this contact?

My arguement for taking it:

* It keeps me with Disney and making contacts, which is my ultimate goal for my career.

* I get production experience despite the medium

* Solves the "lack of experience" part of why I have not yet been hired

*Full benefits: health, dental, vision, and good salary

* Great influence and involvement in the creative process

Argument against:

* I love animation, but I am not into it as a career choice; I am one to push full force for what I want

* Once in animation, I hear it is hard to get out of it.

* Projects are years long, so I would be there for a while as a PA and not get other experiences

* I am not passionate at all about their projects

* Animation is all an office job, and I want to be moving around and not inside all day.

So what would you choose? I feel like I am walking a fine line and coming to a fork in the road. Do I take the unexpected and not really desired, but easily accessible, path? Or do I walk the unpredictable path in a direction I am unfamiliar with without knowing the promise it will take me to my desired destination? Am I closed minded for not wanting to take animation?

Depending on this decision, my job hunt will be severely affected. I am not bribed by money, or else this would be a simple choice, go with the animation job. However, I would not be true to my heart. In fact, I wrote an email referring another friend to my contact, and wrote a whole paragraph about how I would need a job too. I put the mouse on the "send" button, but I could not get myself to send it. I could not ask for a job in animation. I deleted the post and just referred my friend.

Is not pursuing that smart or stupid? Am I not logical for not taking it? I don't know, but one friend told me I am not that desperate yet, so I should keep going after what I want. I think I will take that advice for now. But that makes my wallet and stress a bit anxious!! I have been praying about this issue all week, but this is a hard one. I am just afraid of making the wrong decision.

Also, I have not heard from the temp agency since I last finished in Production over a month ago now. I am starting to feel the urgency of finding something soon. In fact, I applied to 24 jobs today. I hope to hear back from some of them soon. This unemployed game is really an emotional roller coaster! Plus being cursed with an over active/worried mind does not help my situation.

What are your thoughts? What path would you take? I hope your decision is as confident as I wish mine could be. I just feel at this point in time, I feel a calling for me beyond the animation/smoothest course path. I feel it is down the unpredictable one of live television with the hopes there will be something someday. Until then... I am trying to figure out my path. Enough thinking for tonight.

Night!

Time and Choices

Time and Choices. They are simple concepts that truly dictate how we run our lives. I have been wondering a lot about these two words within the last few weeks. This is a post I have been meaning to write for the whole month of July, but I am just now getting to it.

Throughout this month, I have spent some unplanned time watching movies that deal a lot with traveling through time, or seeing the consequences of our actions. Movies I have seen this month include: Back to the Future 1 and 2, Pirates 1,2, and 3,Valley Girl, Hot Tub Time Machine, Titanic, She's Out of My League, and Enchanted. These films are so different, yet they all have a connecting thread: each of the characters make life-altering decisions based on their given circumstances (okay...maybe not Valley Girl, but still interesting).

Anyway, it got me to thinking, how much of my life is planned and how much of it is based on my individual decisions? I am not trying to get too deep into this philosophical arguement, but I have been trying to really see and understand if any of my choices for a job either send me on the wrong direction or the way to a grand career.

I am having some serious thoughts come up as I see this staff position is being pushed to hire as we speak. First of many, should I accept it if it is offered? If you asked me this question 2 months ago, I would have said, "Yes!" Now, I am starting to question if this is really for me. I am tired of being bored. I want to be used. It is meant for a year to year and a half, but by that time I will be 24.5 years old going on 25, and since I am not a first assistant, that would probably be my next job for 1.5 years, and then I will be 26.5 and just finishing being an assistant. Do I want that!? I feel like time is ticking, and I need a bigger position.

Secondly, do I go freelance or stay studio side? Freelance scares the bejeezus out of me because there is a lack of stability. Then on the other hand, there is the freedom of your schedule. I can pick and choose my projects, and I can do other things on the side. I am a well rounded person, and I do not just want to be defined by my work. I have other aspects of my life I want to pursue.

Next, I have had some offers with Reveille come and pass me by in terms of a job. I was asked to be considered for the Executive Producers' assistants as three of them were leaving within one week. I said no to the first for being unsure if reality television is where I want to be and also because it is the job from the underground. These execs are top profile and among top 10 reality producers in Hollywood. If I accepted, I would have no life, and you would never hear from me again for the year, probably, haha. So I said no, then I said yes I wanted to be considered for the other just to see what would happen. It turns out they said no to me because they want someone with agency experience, which I do not have.

Dispite all of these questions, there is still one that lingers on in my mind that bothers me the most -Do I choose television or film as my career path? I have been told by others I am too young to decide this decision, but I disagree. If I know this answer, then I can make a set career path for myself and go without feeling like I am wasting time or afraid to make the wrong decision. I have been meeting people in both the television and film world, and I am sooo intrigued by television, but I have ended up working in film. I don't know where to go from here, and this is freaking me out.

It may not sound like it, but I have calmed down considerably about worrying over every single aspect of my life, but I am still nervous about this whole move to LA. I am still scared I am not going to get to where I need to be if I do not start now.

How am I sure I will make the right decision? I think another reason why I am so antsy to get my first job done as soon as possible is because I still do not see myself staying in LA. How much time do I give it? I see all the execs who have lived here for 20+ years and never wanted to return home. I feel different than that. See, I love the weather, but I miss those most important to me, and I am not comfortable with the decision of settling in LA. So, I just don't want to take my time getting somewhere, because I feel rushed to get out.

Another point that needs to be made...last week Disney had some bad press published about a film we are having issues with. Well, it turns out the project will take some time off to fix things, which essentially means, the people on the film have lost their job until things pick back up. If I had gotten the assistant position I interviewed for in May, then I would be in that boat. I would be out of work for a month maybe more. Everything happens for a reason right? Now I am thankful that was not me and I have an office position.

So based on all of these choices, timing is everything. How dependent are we on these factors and how much of it is in our control? I was upset with not getting the assistant position, but now I am thankful, so was timing on my side or not? Timing is usually not on my side, for example, with the Reveille positions, and when pilots were hiring PAs and I missed the hiring period by a few weeks both last year and this year, and temping when offered an assistant position within my first week here. Does everything come down to timing and choices?

Which leads me to another point. I talked about how I wanted to be a doctor most of my childhood to a co-worker, and I admitted that by doing this staff position I am unsure if I am putting my best skills and strengths to use. My decision to not pursue medical school was a decision I made my senior year in high school. Was that the right decision? I hope so, but I will use that as a backup career plan I think.

Anyway, this post is long enough, so I will conclude here. This month has really had me on my toes about how every small decision affects another. There is still a lot of possibilties and unknown choices I know are coming, and I am ready. I just hope I make the right ones and I get to live the life I imagined for myself someday. But that too depends on timing and choices...

Getting Antsy... What is my Path?

I am finally caught up on my blog and up to the current day!! This is a big accomplishment! Well done, Ashley! I just hope I can stay on top of it again.

Okay, so I am writing this as I am sitting behind my desk at work temping, and I am finding it soooo hard to concentrate on the computer screen. I am getting so antsy just by sitting here, I cannot sit still. I have so much energy, and all I want to do is walk around the office and get outside. Instead, I am in the lower level (considered the basement), with no windows and no way out. It is a gorgeous 80 degrees today, and I cannot even tell if it were night or day outside. I feel soo couped up and stifled in here. I want to be outside! I want to be productive.

For years now, all I have ever wanted is to be a part of the Disney Studios, in some capacity, in the offices, hoping to work towards becoming a Studio Executive. Now, a lot of that has been coming into question.

That has been my sole goal for many years now, and look, I am in the right spot. I am so proud of myself. But as I am doing these temp jobs, I am starting to learn a lot about the business and the possible careers with Disney or another company. I have come to learn, there are so many paths, and I am not sure which one is meant for me.

In Hollywood, to become a producer, there are 2 types of paths, either as a Production Assistant on set or an Executive Assistant in the offices. I have wanted to do the executive assistant path, because the administrative work involves all of my strengths from organization, multi-tasking, detail orientation, etc. It seemed the most logical, and that is what I have been pushing for with these temp positions and meet and greets.

However, now, I am completely switching my perspectives. I miss being creative sooo much, and being an assistant has none of that. There is nothing creative. I hate sitting in front of the computer screen all day, and as you can tell, I get so antsy I start to freak out. I just want to walk around and be outside. I love talking to people, but talking to them via the phone and computer/emails are not my idea of meeting and being social. Then when I come home at the end of the day, the last thing I want is to be on the computer, which is why my blogging has dramatically decreased.

It is so weird to me to question whether or not an office job is meant for me, because that is all I have ever wanted for so long, and now that I am in it, I want out of it. Is there a way to be outside or active with my job in production but still have the job stability? That is another reason I wanted to be a studio executive, jobs are stable. If you are on a set, you just have to go from project to project not knowing if it is your last.

In all, I am really questioning whether the office is for me. I look back and I see that this is just another way working at WDW has changed me. I was outside working for 8 months, to now be inside all the time. I miss the activity, the interaction with people. If I had stayed with my childhood goal of being a doctor, I would have had the no office and physical aspect I like. Interesting.

It seems like I should work back in the theme parks, but I don't want too as a career unless it is through production. At this point, I just miss the way I felt when I was active in my day, and not sitting in a chair. 9-6 has never felt so long and daunting before, and those are not even hard hours! I look forward to the days that are busy and fast.

It is good that I am learning this about myself, but it makes it harder to find a job that I want here in LA. All the people I know are office people, not project/set members. How do I even get there now?

That brings up my next set of points. I am even starting to question what path to take in regards to a career. Like I said, I always wanted Disney Studios, studio film producer, but now I am still not sure.

I am really missing the pace of television. I love the over turning of projects, the length of a season, the hiatus of the summer, and more. When I interned on a previous talk show, I felt like I was in more of the right place at the right time. So now, I am starting to think that Television is where I want to go.

But do I want to do family entertainment, like Disney Channel, or more talk? Disney is great, but I am realizing how political it is to move somewhere. A lot of the secretaries have been there for 2+ years, and are finding it hard to move up. Is that my fate? I do not want to be on an entry level position for so long that I get stuck, and in such a large company, there are many ways to get stuck.

Talk is still great television, and it one of my favorite genres. I have always wanted to host a tv show as a secret fantasy, but now, I would love to do that for a job. I love segment producing, which is creating the 5-10 minute "chapters" or topic of discussion during the show's broadcast. I really want to get my hands on developing what goes on the tv screen. I have said it before, if I were to work in NYC, I would love to work for Today or GMA. That is talk without being too journalistic. I know I am not meant for journalism, but I believe in being a reliable show that can still provide great entertainment.

I also love late night comedy. I am so bummed Conan is not on NBC anymore, as I applied over 10 times to that show. Knowing his return to TBS will be remarkable, I would love the chance to work on his show too. Jimmy Kimmel is also another good show. I would love to be in the production of that talk format as well.

So aside from my possible talk path, I was also thinking about TV Event production. When I was in NZ last year, I interned on their Music Awards, which was like their version of the Grammy's. I realized at the actual night how I felt like I was in the absolute right place and the right time. I loved seeing the whole event come together, and I have not felt that feeling again.

Which has got me to thinking, what if I were to pursue producing events like the Grammy's, Emmy's, Oscars, Golden Globes, Kids Choice Awards, etc. I love that development because you are dealing with live tv, and you have an absolute make-it or break-it deadline. I love the intensity of that behind-the-scenes show. I have no idea where to even start to look to get involved in that.

One other path I have been recently considering is Script Supervisor. That person is all about the details of the script to how it was shot on camera. For example, if the screen calls for the actor to wave their hand, the Script Sup. makes sure that for each take the actor continues to wave with the same hand. They follow was it the right or left? were the fingers straight or curled? Were there bracelets or a watch on the wrist? That is the person who is in charge of set continuity throughout the project. It seems great, especially for my meticulous nature, but I don't like how there is not a position you can continue to move up and grow in. Once you are a script supervisor, you cannot really be promoted except onto a larger project.

Even if I follow that path, event production or talk, it means that I may not be able to be with Disney. I will not be involved like I have always imagined. There is a possibility to stay with ABC or ESPN, but these shows are not directly involved with them. The fact that I may not want what I have always wanted scares me. Am I maturing, growing, or failing and being more confused than ever?

What is my path? Where am I meant to go? These questions still linger and will have no end. I do have a starting place though. Starting next week, when my temp position is over, I will make it my week goal to reach out to those involved in my favorite shows, send resumes, and see if there is a way I can become a Production Assistant on a particular show. It seems I have some re-evaluation to do. Oh life... so confusing, nothing is simple anymore.

I feel like Pocahontas asking to Grandmother Willow, "What is my path? How am I ever going to find it?" Just listen. I am listening to my heart, my instincts, and trying to listen to God as well, but they are all hard to hear at the moment. Hoping it will all become clear soon.

Okay, it is almost lunch... I cannot wait to get out of this office and eat outside. I am even surprised I concentrated this long to type this entry, but then again, my foot is tapping wildly as if it is having an epileptic seizure as I type. okay, until next time! Bye!