The Waiting Game... again

(written on Thursday 10/14/10)

I cannot remember if I wrote a post on the "Waiting Game" before I moved to LA in the winter, but it seems very Deja-Vu to me.

Anyway, I am posting a few more posts this week because I can. As you can tell by the title, I am trying to sit still and wait for some answers that I hope will come by tomorrow. This week was actually quite productive and unexpected.

I had about 5 interviews this week! I know! Apparently, 3 of them were from the jobs I had applied for last week (of the 24 I chose). I had two phone calls from ESPN, and one from Conan O'Brian's internship program. The internship interview went really well, and I really hope I get it. It would be specific to their talent and casting department, however, it is unpaid.

The other interview I had was through a friend referral to be Jillian Michael's business partner's assistant. It turns out there were some complications with that interview, but I am the top choice for Michael's 2nd assistant.

The final interview came randomly as well. I applied to a generic post online for an non-descriptive inquiry for a personal assistant to a producer some months ago. I never heard back until this week. It turns out, they still needed a personal assistant and it was for Judd Apatow and family! No way! The other assistants were really nice, but there would be no future in growth. I am there only as the personal assistant meaning: household manager, kitchen keeper, glorified babysitter. If I didn't want a big career, this would be great, but still not sure if it is for me. We will see.

Those were the five interviews. All great opportunities with great potential. I hope one of them comes through!

So... here I am... waiting...typing... blogging... not doing much. Just waiting for an answer, waiting for a direction. I was here months ago, and it is a strange feeling. Knowing something could change or it couldn't. I am in this weird limbo.

Oh well, here is to waiting! Hope to return with good news. Until then... have a great rest of your week. I will just be waiting.. right here... haha. Oh my life!

So Close, Yet So Far.... Networking Galore

(written from 4/14-4/16)

I have started the process of being mentally ready for my last day at work. The week has been rather fine, but it still upsets me knowing that I am leaving. I love my desk and the people on the floor and it doesn't seem real quite yet. I must say, that despite my future impending doom on Monday, I am still remaining dedicated to my work. I am still treating this as my job and I remain focused with the task at hand.

Speaking of task at hand, my last gloomy entry (sorry about my depression), I wrote about networking. This has become my sole goal in life right now. I am still here at the studios, and it is here I want to be. I am going to take the time I have left and work it to meet as many people as possible. I am not afraid to meet others and ask them about themselves, in fact, it is a great strength of mine. I know how to work contacts, the only problem is getting them.

Due to the short nature of my time left, I am trying to meet with as many people in production as possible. More specifically, my new goal in life is to get onto the production of Pirates 4. For those of you that don't know me, I am an obsessive Pirates fan. This movie franchise is one of my main inspirations as to why I chose to be in this industry. It upholds everything I believe in family entertainment: a great story, great characters, remerable moments that transcends all ages, great production value, and positive messages that reach out to everyone (such as a strong female protagonist, go after what you want and don't look back, live life on your own merit, etc...)

For the last few days and the next coming up, I have lunches with someone every single day in the production department. That is the only lead I have at the moment. It is not much, but it is something. I contacted a few others involved, reaching out to as many as I can, but nothing is grabbing.

Looking back at this, I feel like I am getting some momentum going. I feel like I am getting myself exposure to the execs that I need too. I feel SO CLOSE, yet so far from where I want to be. They start pre-production in one week, and start filming in June. I see the set decoration fabric on the walls of the floor the production is on. It gives me the chills seeing the sign above the fabric "Barbosa's lair"! Then as I walk further down the hallway, I see the actual location pictures hanging around! I must tell you, it is so hard not to squeal like a little girl when I see these! The locations are amazing. Huge trees with hug roots, gritty beaches. This will be a different feel than the former stories. I am so excited!!

Just seeing this makes me cringe even more, because I am sooooo close. I can almost taste it! I am walking with them, and seeing the people... but it is not enough to get hired. AHHH! I am on the floor I need to be visiting, talking to the people I need to talk too, but nothing is biting. If I had been involved from months before, maybe I could have had a place. I am not giving up though. I am going into this with all the energy and determination I can get. I just personally do not know the people who can pull strings for me. I pray to God that something will give.

Overall, I am so close, yet so far. It is almost torture. I need to just keep going. Push what I can... who knows where it will take me.

This week has been networking galore. I am proud of myself, but I won't slow down until something breaks. This is when I can say life is exciting, but also nerve-racking. I have extreme highs of emotion to real lows. It is funny how I am back to square one of not having a lead, but I keep challenging myself to stay busy. I am making headway though, I feel it. That is promising. Like Walt Disney says, "just keep moving forward."

(thought you disney fans would like that one.)

Expect to Much?

One of the greatest relationships in my life, or the most sacred to me, are my friendships. I have been blessed to have many friends in my life, although that was never the case in my early childhood. I moved around many times before settling in NJ. By the age of ten, I moved 8 times, including Japan, and went to 15 different schools. Crazy I know, but that was my life. That is why my family is so close, and that is also a reason why I value friendships.

It was so hard to make friends for me because I knew I was going to leave them at some point. I know that being an independent and slightly odd kid never helped, but it was really hard to make and keep a friend. Luckily we settled in NJ, and I was really able to find a select core of girl friends. Some last till this day, others do not. In college, I made a handful of friends, but only one or two that are lasting friendships. Then of course, Disney, happened. I have a core group of 20 or so people that I talk to on a regular basis, and they have all enriched my lives tremendously. It amazes me within the last 3 years, my friends' geographical locations have spread from Chatham, NJ all the way into international borders in Brazil, Dominican Republic, Germany, Norway, New Zealand and Australia. That amazes me, I am truly blessed.

However, despite how rich in location I am with friends, I would really only say I have 5 core, best friends, who are my closest confidants (you know who you are). I am unsure if these 5 people are aware, but I keep my friendships at a high level because I never take a friendship for granted. To be a best friend comes with responsibility as well as exciting times and great joy. I would be lost without my best friends, I owe them everything. I would definitely not be the person I am today were it not for those who have stuck by me.

Having that be said, I have come to realize that maybe I am expecting way too much from my friends. I come from a family of high expectations and I have carried that into my relationships. I don't mean for it to happen, it's just automatic.

I feel I am a really good friend. I deeply care for them, and I would do anything for them. I make my affections known fairly often, especially in times of great distance, and I try hard to keep in touch as often as possible. I know that I make a good friend, and I feel that is one of my life's greatest duties. I just hope that my friends would do that for me in return.

Lately, I have been having a lot of excessive thought about my friendships. I think the move to LA is getting me really, really nervous because I am leaving my best friends and family behind for the unknown future. I just want to make sure that everything at home is good and stable before I leave, because if my core foundation is solid, then I can be solid away from home.

I have been realizing just how different each of my core friendships are from one another. I was told recently that "each friendship fills a different role in our lives", so naturally, each one varies. I must agree with this. One friend is the goofy, silly person to laugh with, as another is based on guidance and helps evaluate life's situations, while another is a friendship of venting about family, issues etc. And since each one has a different role, the frequency of which I talk to them also varies. With some of my best friends, I can go a few weeks to two months without talking. It doesn't mean anything is wrong, it just means we are balanced and alright with where we stand.

I don't have to talk to some person every single day, yet, with other friendships, it really bothers me if I do not talk to them at least once a week. One of my most cherished friendships is just that. I get mad if I don't hear from that person after a few days. And I get mad that I get mad! It shouldn't bother me if I don't hear from someone as often as I would like; but it does. I guess I just get scared of the distance, especially when I know there was no distance in the past. I don't like the idea of not knowing what is going on in my friend's life, not matter who it is.

This also brings up another point... The difference between girl and guy friends is something I am still learning. I never really had any real guy friends, so when I found some in college, I treated them with the same expectations I had with any of my girl friendships. Was this wrong? I still don't know. I have come to realize that boys are just wayyyyy more private than girls are, and guys don't like to chat about stuff. For a girl, this is the core of the friendship...being able to confide in one another. I am still learning that guys usually just want someone to hang with rather than respond too. Does that seem accurate?

If that is true, then I cannot help but get insecure of how the friendship will last if I move away. If I am no longer physically near my guy friends, are they going to stop talking to me? I hope not, that is why I like to hear exactly how they feel about the situation. Is that asking too much?

I think I do have expectations that are really high for my friendships, because I know I would be that person in return. If I would be there for someone, I would expect they do the same. Maybe I should just hope. I have gotten burned in the past a lot with this issue. Keeping in touch, which I am awesome at, and others are not. When do I become overbearing or too intrusive? For a girl, it is really hard to be too intrusive or trying too hard to keep in touch. However, with a guy... I think that anything can almost be taken as too intrusive. I am struggling to find this balance.

One of the hardest things for me to admit to myself is that I cannot make someone change. I cannot make them be friends with me. I have learned this the hard way many times through trying to befriend the popular click in middle school, the theater click in high school, trying to get my hs crush to be a meaningful friendship today, etc.

If I lose a friend, I need to learn to just let it go, and I can't. I cannot let people leave or exit my life. They have come into it, so naturally, they must stay. I cannot let things go. When I feel a friend becomes more distant, I do not accept it and give them space, I try everything in my power to fix the situation. This includes phone calls, texts, emails, anything to keep them close.

It is the worst feeling knowing someone is slipping away, and I am powerless to stop it. This powerless feeling is what I fear, it is what I want to avoid. Thus, I try stay active in my friend's life. I fear being alone and friendless.

I know this may be a bit possessive, and I am working on it. As of right now, I am trying really hard to keep my friendships at a balanced level. It is hard with temptations like FB, and Twitter, and Gchat, AIM and others. It is so easy to follow what is going on in your life electronically, but I miss hearing your voice. The voice is the best and truest form of communication. For my girls, we have a mutual understanding that is implied in our relationship of when to talk. I am not concerned for my girl friendships to last.

As for my guys, I am trying to relax and not be all up in your business. I do not want to lose you at all, but it makes it hard not knowing how you feel about the situation. If I am overbearing, I am sorry; I am not as uptight as I used to be. I send the occasional text, but that's it. Please know that I do not mean any harm, I am just trying to look out for you like any friend would. My friendships are sooo important to me, that I do not want them to end. I hate knowing that things change, people change, and life changes, but if the friendship is true, it will last through anything. I just hate not being around you all the time because friends are my family, and I always miss you.

Based on that, do I have high expectations? I guess I do. The expectation to keep in touch, to talk, to update me when something big happens, yea i guess that is a lot. I just like to know that I am important to someone. I like being the one you confide in. I love the idea of knowing someone so well that they eventually know you better than you know yourself. Obviously, I could talk about this for hours, but I will spare you.

I miss you all. I miss my 5 closest friends, who range in location from RI, AL, FL, and MA, at all times. As for my other friends, Thank you for everything. One of my favorite songs from Wicked reflects on friendship, and I feel it is very fitting. I have left the lyrics for you to read.

Wicked - For Good

(Elphaba) I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...

(Glinda) I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda) Because I knew you

(Both) I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda) Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba) Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both) Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda) And because I knew you...

(Elphaba) Because I knew you...

(Both) Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

Step in the Right Direction?

It seems my blog posts have started to slow down a bit. I don't intend for that to happen, but sometimes it takes a lot to sit here and just type, especially if I don't feel like it. I am trying to get it back to once a day or twice a day, but it hasn't been that easy. Just take that as a disclaimer I guess.

Now for the post. I have been having a few more solemn emotions running through my head the last few days because I think reality is starting to come into the picture. I know that I have less than two weeks today till I go out west. That is still some time, but I am starting to realize the pressure of the move and I am getting a bit nervous and anxious.

Am I really sure this is the right move? Am I being crazy or is this what is supposed to happen? I believe everything happens for a reason, but it still does not account for some doubt. And by doing this, am I going in the right direction or is this the first step on the road to disaster? I know that I need to make this move, but I am not as sure about it as I was when I bought the ticket. I blame my conscience.

It seemed last week that all of the pieces came together in terms of transportation, housing and a potential job, but now it is a bit shaky. Regardless as to what happens in the job world, I see it as a stepping stone to where I want to go and an experience to meet other contacts. However, what if I fail at getting to where I want to be? Ugh. The thoughts just keep on going. I will leave that for another blog post.

Anyway, I am just starting to question the very move of getting me out of redundant suburbian life. I am soooo excited one day, and that scared @#&*less the next. I cannot imagine what will come in the following few days.

Am I ready to struggle? I am using my life savings on this "adventure". My dad put it as I am "investing in myself to chase my dream." Yea, that sounds good. I am actually chasing my dream. How many people really get to say that in their lifetime? I never thought of it like that because I just felt it was the natural direction life was pulling me towards and I had to do it. I guess it is a choice.

With that said, my family is starting to get a little bit more sentimental about the move too. The other night, I made my dad watch Harry Potter 6, although not his favorite, I knew he secretly liked it. He ended up saying, "Thanks for the movie. I enjoyed it seeing it with you, because you know I won't be able to do that much longer." It's not like I am moving away forever. Who knows, I could just fail and then I will come back home. My mom sent me a text last night out of the blue saying "wuv woo." That is her own special code of being affectionate. I do not come from a very affectionate family, and my family keeps a lot of their close feelings private. So when I hear small things like that, they have bigger impact.

I never considered this move as "leaving the nest." In fact, I feel as if I have never left. I have always ended back at square one. I guess this is leaving the nest, but when you say that, you make it feel more epic than it needs to be. I come home every three months anyway, because I hate being away from my family that long. I am such a family oriented girl, and being away from them is hard. We definitely have our arguments and differences, but they are my family nonetheless. Even my grandmother told me last night that I am leaving for a long time because if I get a job, coming home for a weekend from 3,000 miles away is not that easy. I know she is right, I just don't want to admit it.

I will miss home, my pets, my family, my grandmother, but I have to do this. If I don't try, then what good was my life? I need to go after the "impossible", as many tell me. I am not one to just see life pass me by. It is also comforting to know, that if I do fail, I can come home, but also Orlando will always be there for me.

Who knows what is going to happen in the upcoming months, but I trust my faith, and I am looking forward to the unknown, unpredictable ride ahead. I just hope this ride takes me in the right direction. I have no map, no set destination, just the various roads that will take me there. Wish my GPS would work and give this journey a set path. Who knows, maybe there already is a set path, and I am just about to get in the car.