Shattered Glass

(written May 6^th)

Let me just say I am feel like a piece of glass on the verge of shattering into a thousand pieces. You know that feeling of tons of pressure on your chest that you can barely breathe? I feel like if I inhale even one more breath I will pop like an overinflated balloon. I am on the delicate edge from falling and I am drowning in my own sadness.

I can barely breathe as I write this, but I need to get this out… or what I can.

This week has just been the worst week emotionally for me. I want to cry it out, but I just can’t. I feel like if I cry and breakdown, this negative world wins.

“What’s happened?” you ask. In short, it’s a mixture of everything, but the cherry on top is I got rejected from my dream job today. The one position I fought to interview for and I thought I had. I got a hint of that possibility yesterday when HR called me and said they may offer it someone else, but they were not sure. I refused to believe it. I continued to go on another interview with Nickelodeon, but my emotions and bubbly personality were really not there. All I want is to go home.

I went to the gym yesterday and ran. I ran for an hour nonstop, which I never do. I was running everything, every emotion, every experience, out. I listened to Evanescence (great angry music btw), and it was in that moment. My friend, Lauren, showed up and I could barely hold it together. I just felt like I was about to shatter. I mentioned going home for a second, and even the thought of that got me teary-eyed.

Then today, I just wasn’t having it. It was hard to wake up because I didn’t want to face the potential bad news. I went on another interview, which like all others, seems to go well, but I emotionally just was not there. I bought my ticket to go home last week, and right now that is the only place I want to be.

After the interview, I got the official word from my dream job executive, and he said they offered it to another person. I asked why I didn’t get it, and they said they really liked me and I did nothing wrong. Of course, those are the words a broken heart really does not want to hear after the news is out.

An hour later, my good friend, Chris, came to hang out with me, and we went to the DMV. In the car, I could barely speak because I was so upset with losing this job. That job represented everything for which I had moved out here, and I really thought I had it. The fact that I got rejected from over 5 jobs this week alone and now this one, plus being really homesick, missing Easter, and just being in a depressed state of mind… I can’t hold it all in anymore.

“I AM MAD AS HELL AND I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” SERIOUSLY!

When I got to the DMV, the clerk was a real jerk. I couldn’t concentrate on getting my license plates because I was mentally checked out. He told me I owed him more money for the value of the car or something like that and … I just lost it. I started crying in front of the guy.

Chris came over and helped me, but I could not stop crying in front of both of them. Chris took me out to ice cream, but even during the ride I was crying. I just can’t breathe.

Even as I write this, I still get teary eyed. I feel like my heart has shattered into thousands of pieces. I feel like I am letting my family down once again. This trip home cannot come soon enough.

To make matters even better, I have to work BJs tonight. I am not in a state of mind at all to be in front of people. I just want to sit in. My emotions are gone, and mentally I am home in NJ. Just two more weeks… God get me there faster.

Right now, I am just in a spiral of depression and disappointment. What more do I need to do to get in?! Why am I sacrificing being away from my friends and family?! Is this all worth it? I just keep praying that I will be guided in the right direction. Today it feels like… feels like nothing. I cannot feel anymore.

I am going to go because if I write anymore I am going to breakdown and shatter.

Dear Home- you could not feel further away from me right now in time and distance.

This will take some time to get over… until then. Bye.

P.S. Sorry Mom and Dad for crying over the phone to tell you the news. I will make you proud one day.