Adolescent 20s?

(written May 8^th)

A few days have past since I lost my “job”, and I am feeling a lot better. I am nowhere near healed and upbeat, but I am starting to get out of my depressing state of mind. I am sorry to all who so that side of me, especially Chris and those at BJs.

I know I can only grow from this experience and become stronger. I told me family that being out here has really made me learn a lot about myself. In some cases, especially now, I feel like I am weaker than I originally thought. I thought I could handle being out here and thought I could break in the industry by now. However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that is the wrong way to thing about things.

Taking a step back from the situation, I can see that I am actually a lot stronger than I thought I was. I have been out here for over a year without work, and somehow able to survive. It may not be pretty being a host at a restaurant, but I have been able to make it work. I have stood up for myself in several occasions within the last week, and I can finally say I have developed that “thick skin” everyone talks about.

If there is anything I have learned this week, it is that I am no longer going to put up with crap! I don’t want to admit I am a pushover, but I do let others take advantage of me. NO MORE! This last week has triggered something inside me that is refusing to put up with more crap than I already have to being out here. I am now going to raise my opinions, say what’s on my mind, and really fight for everything. Something inside he has mentally changed.

I also want to address something that has come to my attention. Working last night, I explained myself to a new fellow host. Unfortunately for him, he has only seen me really stressed and a bit sad about life. I realized within the last two weeks, I have vented to him about things that are wrong in my life, and that needs to change! My very mentality needs to change. It is fine to be stressed and worried about life, but this unemployment stage of life has been dominating my psyche. I explained to him that I am not a depressed person by nature. I love life, and I have a passion for it. I am usually happy and upbeat. He just has not seen that because this has been a hard few weeks for me.

Realizing it now and looking back on my previous posts, it looks and feels like I am going through my adolescence again. Crazy mood swings, one minute I am on top of the world and the next I am digging my own grave. It feels like I am on more of an emotional rollercoaster than I was when I was 16. Therefore, I would like to call this phase of my life: My Adolescent 20s.

It seems that almost every post is about me complaining or about me worrying about the same thing over and over. As much as that is true, I want you to know that is not me at all. I am a very positive, enthusiastic person who has a great outlook on life. There is so much I want to do with my life, so having to wait for a job or some form of accomplishment to happen is really emotionally tough (as you all have read).

I think many people can relate to this. Everything is unstable in your 20s, and that is the part about school and growing up that society fails to teach you about. I feel like I was not prepared with the understanding of just how hard graduating in this economy was going to be. I never would have guessed that laying my foundation of being independent and starting my own life for myself was going to be this hard. Am I crazy to have thought it would have been easier (notice I did not say easy, but easier)?

Even just a generation ago, life was completely different for people my age. I just talked to my parents about this. Just 25 years ago, when they were both my age, they were already married, had their own apartment, and both had their careers started right out of school. It seems like that concept is so far out of this world today, but it was one generation ago! What’s happened, America?

Talking to a few of my friends in the past few days, I know that I am not the only one experiencing their Adolescent 20s. Many of us thought life would have been different for us than what it currently is. As disturbingly true as that is, it’s simultaneously, a comforting thought. It sucks that other people are in the same boat as me, but then again I am glad other people are there with me.

As one of my fellow BJs hosts said, “I cannot wait to look back at this stage of my life and know that I got through it somehow.” Well said. Well said.

So, fellow Bloggers, I am sorry for my depressing tone that dominates each entry. I want you to know that is not really me on the outside. You will just have to excuse and bear with me for the next few months (or possible years), until I grow out of my Adolescent 20s.

Until then… goodnight.