Home: Becoming CA but Missing NJ

(written at the end of April 2011)

One big change that has been happening within the last few weeks has been the conversion of my residency from NJ to California. It has been a year, and according to CA state law, one needs to convert license and registration within the first month of being in California. I have tried to resist it for so long because I honestly did not know if I would be here. I continue to apply to jobs throughout the country, so I never know if I will end up back in NYC or if I am out here for some time.

Well, it seems that doesn't even matter anymore, for it is official. I am now a California resident. I thought this would be a moment I would really cherish, but I am torn on the issue, and frankly, I am not sure I event want to be one.

I am really missing home, and it has been seven months since I have been back. I am just dying to get home and see my family. I would do anything to hug my mom and dad, and of course, my grandmother right now. I feel like my strength and endurance out here is dwindling, and I just need to recharge my batteries.

Luckily, I did just buy my flight home today!! I will officially be back in Jersey May 20th-June 4th. Buying the ticket was a crazy ordeal for me because I bought the ticket originally on the 19th, so I could be with my sister for an extra day before she leaves back for college. As soon as I bought it and was about to right it in my agenda, I saw it was my boyfriend's birthday!! I felt like the worst girlfriend ever!! What were the chances? I literally didn't think about the date, and so I had to immediately switch it so I will be here on the 19th. At least I will be with my sister for one whole day.

The more I think about being home, the more emotional I get. I guess that is why switching my driver's license is hard for me. I feel like I am letting go of my roots, and I guess that is growing up, but I am not sure I am ready to do that. I do not feel like CA is "home" yet, so to let go of the physical proof I belong in Jersey makes me feel like I am in a weird transition or limbo, if you will.

I know I am reading way too far into the symbolic side of the driver's license, but I wish I knew I had a reason to stay out here. I want to go home, and I want to have a home that I build for myself. I just cannot see myself staying in LA that long for it to be considered home, or where my heart is.

Home... you couldn't be any further away in distance, but you are so close in time! "I cannot wait to be home in Jersey", said the new CA resident.

Until then... goodnight.