Quick Realization

I think I just had a quick realization this afternoon that I cannot do journalistic news for a career. Today, there was a horrific accident at Sea World. My friend is a trainer there, so I texted her to make sure she was okay. Thank God, she is alright.

I know that this is a really hard time for everyone who works there, as these accidents never happen, if they do, they are extremely rare. The last thing I want to do is to push my friend for details about something that is so tragic, plus confidential, from the media. As of the first hour of the news break, the woman involved has not had her name released.

Knowing that my potential job is in Orlando, I emailed my job contact about the story saying I heard about it and I hope everyone is alright. Within seconds, I was asked to verify the details with my friend about whom was involved. I would be a second source. Whether this was meant to be or not, I saw this as my first test to see if I could do the job for which I am applying.

I asked my friend, but I felt really dirty and weird about it. It was as if I was using her for information that didn't benefit me but someone else. I didn't need to know the information. I realized right then, I cannot do journalistic reporting. I can do the work no problem, but it is the ethics behind it that rub me the wrong way. It is too intrusive. I felt guilty asking my friend for such sensitive information. For that one instance, I felt I was on the wrong side. I need to support her and respect her privacy, not go instigating for insensitive details. Even if I were just a source to confirm whatever facts they currently have, I didn't like the feeling of pushing and being insensitive during her time of grief. So it just occurred to me, if I cannot do investigate via text message in good conscience, then how can I do it on the job? Unfortunately, I don't think I can.

Thus, I found the answer to my question about the decision I would have to make about the job offer if I were to get it. No. I need to decline. I want to be proud of my work, not scared of it. I want people to embrace it, not get angry with it or fear it. That stands against all of my integrity as an employee and my ethics as a person. Guess I am not the next Barbara Walters.

It's hard to admit that I cannot do something. Oh well... sad.... Okay... over it! This is the final decision I need to confirm my career path. This is exactly what I needed. I don't have to wait on the answer anymore because I have my mind made up. It's like Pocahantas when she chooses the hardest path of the river. Moving to Orlando would have been really easy, and the job career path would have been smooth, but it's not the right path for me. The fork in the road is now a straight line, and it feels good. LA ENTERTAINMENT here I come! I feel that is the right direction.

My version of 24

24 hours. That's it. It completes a whole day. It is a whole television series. It is a short amount of time that has the possibility to change someone's life.

Well, I am happy to say that last week, 24 hours was all it took to change a big portion of my life. I cannot give away any specifics yet, but I am very excited.

What I can tell you is that I may have gotten the break of a lifetime! I wrote on thursday about my move to LA. I bought the ticket, sent out emails, then I returned downstairs to watch the Olympics for the night. I got ready for bed, but checked my email one last time, and I was floored.

I had a potential job offer in Los Angeles. It just happened to be timing that I am moving out there on the 16th, and the job may have me starting the Monday after I move out there! Could it be anymore perfect? It is only a temporary position till the end of June but has potential to go full time. Say it does not work out, I at least can buy some time to find something else and it allows me to survive LA for a few months instead of really struggle. Outside of that, I cannot say anymore until it is official.

But that is not the end of the good news. I happened to be calling my friends out west for possible housing, and one opportunity fell into my lap. A friend from high school is having roommate troubles as they are moving out of the 3 bedroom 2 bath apt. She called me coincidently saying she needed a roommate starting near April! No way!

I told her I was in need of a room, but for lower rent and near Burbank. It turns out this may well work. I would be paying an ideal rent, not on the lease, and it will last till September. It is a perfect trial to prove if I can make it out there. I have not completely agreed to the housing yet, as another opportunity arose, but I think I will take it.

So here is the new and updated plan. I am moving out to LA March 16th, using my aunt's car to get to LA and have some meetings. On the 19th, maybe to go Disneyland with my cousins. Stay with them until the end of March, maybe start working the week after I get there, and then move to the apt on April 1st. So by the looks of it, I may have the housing, transportation and maybe maybe maybe have a job (at least for a little bit).

All of that happened within 24 hours of me buying my ticket out there! That's wicked crazy! It's is like my own series of the show! Let's just hope it all works out and that this is the right direction for me. Crossing my fingers for good luck! Super excited!

LA Bound!

This is an entry I typed but forgot to release on Thursday 2/18. I have more to add to this, but I cannot say it yet. Anyhoo...here it is:

I have some exiting news! I am officially moving to LA!! I bought my ticket today, and I guess there is no going back now! I bought it for $170 for March 16th! It is a One Way ticket. Here we go...

It feels good to finally make the decision. I cannot sit around and wait anymore for life to change. I believe it is in God's hands, but I need to find some way to help myself get there.

Aside from the initial thrill of actually doing something about it. I come to realize that this is a big gamble, especially for me. I would like to think that I am a pretty spontaneous and risk taking person, but this is still a big deal. I am going out there to look for a job anywhere that is not guaranteed while couch hopping at various locations while potentially spending all of my savings! AHH! It is sooo exciting, but also very, very nerve racking.

I know that this is the way the industry works. Everyone moves out there without a job and very little $$ in their pocket. It is the typical "struggle" story that defines everyone in that town. I am curious as to what my story will be.

I know I will struggle, and I know I have no clue where life will take me, but that is part of the adventure. My parents do not fully understand it, but they are supporting it. That is all I ask. My dad told me this really is the "chasing my dream" period of my life. At least I am doing that, as many don't have the chance to try. I am not sure if I will emerge victorious, but I will try my hardest.

So here is the plan for now. I leave 10am March 16th and fly to Santa Ana, CA. I will stay with my Aunt and Uncle who live 1hr+ from LA. I may have to rent a car for two weeks, but while I am at their house, we are shipping the family's Camry out there for me to use for now. Once the camry comes in the end of march, I will apt hop at my friends' places.

I sent out emails to all of my contacts today as soon as I bought the ticket alerting them of my move. I cannot believe it is happening! I have no intention of living the rest of my life there, but I know it is where I need to start. I just hope my contacts are with me on this. I received some emails back already stating they will help me, and to come visit. good start so far!

I am almost jumping out of my chair knowing that I at least have a direction and time. I just have to fit all the other pieces together.

I am sad to be leaving my family, and especially my grandmother, but I need to do this. I need to try. I know they will always be with me and they are only a phone call away.

So here is to moving perhaps the furthest place away from home in the country...some 2800 miles. I am officially LA bound with endless possibilities. I just hope it comes together sooner rather than later. I have a month to prepare all ends, so I will be ready.

Until then... I am keeping the dream alive!

Legally Blonde!

As most of you know, I am BLONDE! I am not fake, highlighted or dyed blonde. I am an all natural B.L.O.N.D.E!

I mentioned before on my Body Types entry, that I had some insecurities of being yellow haired when I was a kid, but now I love it! It makes me stand out, and is the main description of how people remember me.

I do have the occasional blonde moments, especially when I am being silly. I don't mind, I can get away with them. But do not underestimate me! Unlike many of my fellow "fake" blondettes, I am a blonde full of ambition and drive. I am a blonde on a mission.

I identify fully with Elle Woods of Legally Blonde the movie. She was a leader of her sorority, liked by many, polite and sweet. She set her eyes on a goal to get into Law School and had a mission. The downside, not many people fully believed in her or took her seriously.

Although this is just a movie, I can definitely say that I have had my fair share of doubtful supporters. I am part of a minority in the world. Only 1-6% of all people are blonde, and that may extend to dirty blonde, strawberry blonde, and other mixes. I am a strawberry blonde in the winter, but in the summer I become super white like angel's hair. Anyway, I am in the 1-6%. That is smaller than many minority percentages. Being blonde comes with a stereotype of not being serious, being easy, and just floating through life. I take this as a giant challenge. I do not want to fall into that category or confirm others' doubts.

Like Elle, I need to and want to prove myself against the rest, and I feel that I have in many instances in my life. For example, at 15, I started EMT training. I was in a class of all adults, and I was often the brunt of a joke of varying topics (especially blonde jokes). After 6 months of classes, only 20% of my class survived the course, and only 50% of those left over passed the test. I did it. Not only that, I did basketball, track, school, volleyball, and maintained 4.0 gpa outside of the course. I was proud of myself. Other instances vary but include how I have ambitions to work for some top companies and get contacts that many people struggle too get (which I have done).

I think the biggest challenge for me is to get people to see beyond the blondeness at times. I understand it is their first impressions of me, but what I want people to know is that I am smart. Proving that I am smart is often harder than it seems, because some people are initially against it. How can a blonde be really smart? HA! Good joke!

Being called smart is really important to me because it tends to describe your ability to do a job or a talent. I would rather be known as the smart blonde than the other way around. Similar to Elle Woods, I am an intelligent person who happens to be blonde. She didn't get much credit about her intelligence, yet she finished top of her class (I do know it is also Hollywood, but it proves my point). I didn't graduate Magna Cume Laude in a top 50 school or graduate top 15% of my high school class based on how I looked. It was drive and discipline.

One instance where I ability and looks did not mesh was this summer. In FL, I interviewed with a restaurant. Although I had no restaurant experience, I wanted to host or waitress. I gave my resume and started to state why I could do it, but within 30 seconds the manager stopped me.

"You're hired." He said. "You look great, and you fit the body type we are looking for in our employees. So just come back for your official interview next week, but you are what we want just the way you are."

I never returned. It bothered me because he hired me only based on appearance... because I was blonde. He didn't care about work ethic or experience. Taking that job was against everything I believed in of proving myself. I know being blonde will probably help me in my career if we base things on looks, but I do not want that to be a reason why I get a job.

I am excited to work and prove everyone that I CAN do everything I set my mind too. At the moment, that is breaking into the entertainment industry. That alone is hard enough on its own. When I tell people that I want to work for the Disney Studios or become an Executive Producer, I get all sorts of reactions. "Oh that's really hard." "It's really competitive." "I have never heard someone who actually made it." "It's great to dream about it but realistically there are no jobs in that." The list goes on.

I do not shy away from the competition. I am already competitive, and I know this goal is realistic and practical. I hate cynicism, and I want to prove everybody wrong! I know what I am doing and I will not let their doubts get in my way. Watch me!

Like Elle Woods, who accomplishes everything she set her mind too, I know I can, no, WILL, do the same. I just happen to be blonde along the way. That is my mission. Take it or leave it, I will remain Legally Blonde!

Yours, Mine and Ours

Have you ever said something was yours when it really wasn't? Like, is that your car (when it's your parent's)? Yes. Is that your shirt (when it's your sister's)? Yes. Well, why do we do that? It's not lying, it is just possessing something you have that technically is not yours.

What I am trying to get at is, I still claim things are mine, even when they are clearly not. One clear example is my family's 2003 Camry. It is a car all six of us share; the family car. I have just been blessed enough to have used it for most of 2009. I had it in LA and FL. People would ask, "is that yours?"

"Yes." Well, it was. I was using it, so it was mine. The tiny details didn't matter. It's not lying, it is just the short answer.

Normally this stuff does not bother me, but one instance of this did yesterday. I was on the phone with my roommate in FL, well now, former roommate I guess, and we were talking about the apartment. I stated how it was "our" apartment, and talked about "my" room. We stopped the conversation to point out that it was not "mine" or "ours" but "his". He had a point!

Why do I still claim it was mine or that I was still involved in it? I still do that to my family. When I talk about the apt, I call it my apt, or my room, despite not living in it for almost 2 months now.

It's not a big deal, but I realize I still identify myself living in FL. Is this a good or bad thing? Change is always been one of the hardest things I have had to accept, but I really do not know why I do this.

I won't worry about it anymore, because it is not a big thing to worry about. I just don't get why I do it. Oh well. Just had to write about it. Cannot wait till I actually have a MY own place someday!

Till then... missing my FL apartment. Wait, ours. No, yours. ugh, whatever... NOT MINE! I'm working on it. :)

Body Types

I was doing some body research the other day, and I came across a quiz to discover my personal body type. I completed it and came up with these results: Mesomorph Body Type. There are three body types: mesomorph, endomorph and ectomorph. Each mean different things. However, I am not one to really look into personal appearance, heck, I don't even wear makeup unless I have too, but I am not alone when I say I am trying to understand how I look. I am not an insecure person, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have some insecurities.

We live in a society where appearance seems to be everything. You cannot go through the grocery store without seeing bikini body magazines or read the newspaper without mentioning childhood obesity. Face it, we are in the middle of a strong body image crisis in the country. It is a struggle, especially for girls, to accept your body despite its flaws because we have constant imagery telling us what is meant to be beautiful. Although things are starting to change, like ad campaigns from Dove, it doesn't mean the implications are any less severe.

Okay, done preaching. I was really just curious as to what my body type was so I could understand why I am different than some of my friends. I am tall, curvy and athletic. I am proud to say, that I am NOT a size 2, but a size 10. Take it or leave it, I have come to terms that I will never be super skinny, nor do I want to be. I like being athletic because it is a HEALTHY body type. A mesomorph body type just that... healthy. I am proud of that.

I know that my eating habits are different than my friends'. I eat pretty much whatever I like. I do not like to reject foods that I like for the sake of trying to be skinny. I eat what I like and I eat it often. However, when I am in Florida for example, my friends feel I do not eat enough at one sitting. I like to snack and pace how I eat. I do not like to over stuff myself. Then when I am in New Jersey, my friends believe I eat a lot when we are together, although the amount I eat is exactly the same! It is funny how people perceive things differently.

That is exactly the point. Since everyone sees something differently, it is up to you and only you to be okay with your body. I am not very food conscious because I like to work it off. Luckily my body type is lean and more meaty, so I do not gain or lose weight too easily (which stinks if I do want to lose weight, it is hard for me to do so.). I was heavier when I was younger, but I always knew I was never going to be a model. The only modeling I have ever wanted to do is Hair Modeling. I think the industry could use some natural blondes! :D

I also hate jean shopping! I like to shop for dresses and shirts, but not jeans. So many choices, but jeans today are not made with the curvy, tall, hipped girl in mind. It's all skinny this, low rise that, no hip this. ugh. It makes me so depressed sometimes. I think one of the lowest points for me and body was with Abercrombie and Fitch my senior year in high school. I went into the store with, at the time my best friend, who was 5'2" and SUPER skinny, like a string bean, and she knew it. Anyway, I was standing next to her at the check out line when she was told she could model for A&F.

I soon said, "Well I am tall, I could do this too."

"Uhh, noo. You are too big and heavy. You are not what we want to represent us," they retorted.

I couldn't believe it! I don't think you are allowed to talk to a consumer like that. I have never been back since. As if growing up tall doesn't make you feel like a freak already as a kid, being told that made it worse. I am completely over it, and I am proud to say that I would never want to be stick skinny. This is why I love sports. I am surrounded by girls who are healthy and all shapes and sizes. I have found my identity in sports for that reason, especially volleyball. All girls in that sport are over 6' and athletic. I am on the small side in my world in sport and in family ( I am the shortest in my family).

I think accepting who or what you look like is a part of growing older. As long as the advertising and image promotions are around, I know this issue will never go away, and heck, I am sure I will have the same insecurities my whole life, but it just matters how you deal with them.

So my goal for my body... be healthy. I want to be toned and fit rather than skinny. Although getting toned is a hard task, it is what my body type needs. I could care less about my weight as a number (163 if you wanted to know), because the number doesn't show how healthy you are for your particular body. If I could have my ideal body, I would be 150-155 lbs and toned. I am thinking of starting to pick up yoga or dancing; something different other than weights. That I will decide later.

Point is, be happy and comfortable with who you are. I am not perfect, and I still have insecurities. I found a notebook entry I wrote when I was 13, which stated what I loved and hated about myself. Funny enough, the results were exactly the same as they are today. For example, you will not see me in a bikini on the beach because I feel so uncomfortable in one. I do not like my upper body, especially my stomach. I know that my dreams of six pack abs are probably not in the cards for me (thanks genetics) as they are my sister. I really like my lower body, including my legs and feet, as well as my facial features and hair color. My hair separates me from others. When I was little, I got teased pretty badly about my differences (especially living in Japan), and I would come home saying I was going to dye my hair black when I got older. Now, you will never see me dye it! I own it, and I love it.

I am just happy to say that I do understand a little more, based on the results, why I am the way I am in terms of a physical body. I just wish that society will start to accept even tall, athletic girls in the mainstream. Many don't know, but Marilyn Monroe was actually a size 10 going to 16 at times! Time to bring that back. Athletica is a clothing catalogue made for athletic girls and modeled by athletic women. Check it out. Look at Lindsay Vonn, the Olympic skier. I could guarantee you she is not size 2, but curvy, athletic, and beautiful!

Anyway... longer entry than I anticipated. This is to all my fellow tall girls out there! Forget the media! Size 10 all the way!

What Motivates You?

What is it that makes you do what you want to do? Is it drive, desire, fear of failure, hope to make money... what? Every person is driven by something. In the Purpose book that I have been reading, one chapter that I have found pretty challenging is discovering what force drives me. To be honest, I really have no idea.

The chapter went on to say the top five forces that drive people: guilt, fear, anger, materialism and need for approval. Each of those five things are so simple, yet so true. Once you understand this, your approach to how you accomplish your goals changes. Knowing what drives you gives you a new sense of purpose. So what motivates you? Also, what would your family say that motivates you? You may have two different answers.

I thought these would be easily answered, but it's not. These questions really got to the core of me because it really defines how you approach life. I want to say that I am driven by my own self ambition, but I am sure my family would probably say I am driven by some form of approval. Being the oldest, you are expected to make a good example for the younger siblings. So your "example" is really approval by both parents and siblings; therefore, you are driven by getting approval. I am not going to deny this.

Yes, being approved and making my family proud is a big factor in my life, but I do not want to be solely defined by what others think of me. I am a unique individual, so I am okay with being not totally understood. If you were to ask me what drives me, my answer would be "to make a difference." I want to be able to influence and make someone's life better. That is why I wanted to be a doctor growing up and became an EMT at 16. That still hasn't change.

Going into entertainment still keeps up with my mission. I may not be able to personally change someone's life, but I will be able to create a product (movie, tv show, characters...) that people can identify with. That is why working at Walt Disney World has been great for me. Although my personal presence is not life changing, I am just part of a giant experience the guests go through. I was a part of something greater than myself. Even by saying hello directly enriched one's personal experience. Now working in entertainment, I can give people something that they will love and love to talk about. Movies, television and art are all massive influencers. I may not make influence one person directly, but rather I can be a part of something that influences people on a massive level. How many people would love to have that opportunity?

Anyway, that was a tangent. I hope that I am driven by my desire to make a difference, whether that be on a personal or massive scale. Furthermore, I want to experience everything in life. This fact drives me to travel, meet all sorts of people, and never say no to something I have never done.

I think that is a pretty good answer to that question. No? The book also states, "There is nothing quite as potent as a focused life, one lived on purpose..If you want your life to have impact, focus it!" (page 32) I feel that I am focusing it, especially trying to understand what drives me, and it is making me thirsty to get a job and a start on life again. I needed to feel this drive come back; it is giving me a new sense of direction. Afterall, the greatest tragedy is not dying, but living a life without purpose (page 30).

So I pose the same question to you. What motivates you? What do you want it to be? Knowing that answer, will you change the way you live your life? I would love to know your answer.

Finding My Purpose

As you know, I have been going through some times of questioning everything. As I know this is a lifetime quest, I am really starting to feel I am gaining some ground in the religious aspect of my life.

I have been raised to have a core faith in God, and I do, but like everyone else, sometimes I struggle in maintaining a strong relationship with Him. Well, to help me with this journey I have been reading a book meant to help me find my purpose in life called The Purpose Driven Life. I didn't have the intention of reading it, but I found it on my book case after I published one of my previous entries, so I took it as a sign to read. I opened it, and I saw that my Dad left notes in it from my 18th birthday. It was some encouragement that I needed.

Although it is very Christian and sometimes a bit much in its message, it has some really great points. You are supposed to read a chapter/lesson a day (only about 5 pages) to help you really question and ponder about its points. So far, I am in chapter 12, and it has been going well. I gain more insight from some and less from others, but overall, I already feel like I am back on track.

One of the lessons that I believe is that nothing is an accident. Everything is planned or has a purpose. As much as I want to admit that I am in control of my life, just look at it. Look at what I great job I am doing then. No job, stuck, trying to find a direction...basically lost. I have come to terms that if I want to succeed I need to trust. Trust that everything happens for a reason. I tell that to my friends, so why should it not be true for me?

For example, I need to trust that I went to BU for a reason. I didn't want to stay there when I was an actual student, but there was obviously a reason for why I was there. Although I do not understand it now, I will see it in due course. One quote says, "You may choose your career, your spouse, your hobbies, and many others parts of your life, but you don't get to choose your purpose." (page 21). I believe that is true. My purpose is what I am trying to find. It is just hard to do this because we live in a society that says you are defined by what you do; your purpose is a label that stems from how you occupy your time. Right? I am a carpenter, I am a businessman. We often lose sight that our jobs are not our only purpose, so we should not define ourselves by that. It is just part of who we are, not what we are.

Perhaps one of the biggest breakthroughs I have had is with the fact "you are always being tested." The book further states, "Sometimes god intentionally draws back, and we don't sense his closeness." Isn't that what I complained about in the past? Maybe this whole loss for direction is all a test I didn't realize it. Perhaps it is a test of my character, maybe to reveal a weakness, and to be prepared for more responsibility. If faith is a foundation in which all of life's principles rest, and I am having doubts or a shaky foundation, then how can I possibly be successful with life? I need to fix myself first, I need to strengthen my core. I was tested to get to that point. This was a big breakthrough for me.

Even just by realizing this, I feel as if I am getting back on track. I hate failing at anything in life, any challenge, any test. I will study till I pass! I also know that God would not give me a test greater than my ability to handle it. I know I can overcome what comes my way despite how tough it may be. For the first time in a while, I feel like I am moving forward in some aspect of my life. Thank goodness... or thank God (literally).

Economic Stats

Alright, it has been a while since I last posted something on this page. For that, I am sorry. It does not mean I have not written anything. In fact, quite the contrary. I have a lot that I have to say, and I am going to publish it all here in the upcoming posts.

First, I wanted to publish this last week, but I have an article I read in my Star Ledger newspaper on Feb 14th. I cannot find the link for it online, but there is a similar article of which I have linked at the bottom of this entry. The name of the article I want to comment on is: "Economic Downturn Could Trigger a 'Cultural Transformation' for U.S."

This article, in summary, talks about the current economic condition and how it will affect our current generation. We all know that we are in what is called the "Great Recession" being in contrast to the Great Depression. To many of us, we have taken a definite direct hit from this time. Either we are out of work, took work for lesser pay, graduated with no job, or just lost a lot of money. It affects all of us somehow.

Taking our current misfortunes and tough times will definitely change our "Millennials" generation and change the way we approach life. The papers states, "Research into past periods of bust, no matter how shallow or short, suggests many of today's young adults will be more cautious, cost-conscious and wary of the fast track -perhaps for a lifetime."

I agree with this. I know that I have lost a fair bit of faith in the stock market, and I think seeing our parents lose a lot is making us young adults really reevaluate how we will make our money. In polls across the nation, our generation is most concerned with the economy as our top political issue. Although we say making money is a big priority for our future well-being, I think we may not be so inclined to earn it as fast. Tortoise and the Hare for saving money.

The article goes on saying that this financial crisis is "actually leading to a cultural transformation. Something is definitely permanent about it." I think this recession in the early onset of our adult lives will cause us to change our indulgitory (is that a word?) spending habits. It was predicted years ago that we may be the first generation that does not raise the standard of living of our parents' generation. This may soon become a reality if we do not change our quick shopping trends. Maybe there is hope for us to go from a "ME" economy to a "WE" society.

Apparently we are in our impressionable years. Ages 18-25 are the years in which "most beliefs on how society and economy are formed." According to the article, in 1972, America was going through a very similar recession, and some lessons have come from that time:

1. "A long term tendency to invest more conservatively and choose safer jobs.

2. A belief that individual success is driven more by luck than by hard work

3. Support for the government redistribution of wealth to help those not so lucky.

4. Despite that value, a cynicism toward government's ability to deliver the help poor people need."

And it may be we continue to follow this trend. "At least for those in the 18-25 age group, who may have languished after graduation in search of jobs in their chosen fields, or perhaps any work, those feeling may never be worn away." Darn right! I think that statement summarizes how we will carry a bit of caution with our success as we move up in the world. I think our generation will grow stronger and be more cautious of an economic downturn than our parents were.

One of the final facts this article stated surprised me. "Unemployment among 20-24 year-olds stands at 15%, 5 percentage points higher than the national average." As much as this makes sense, I feel it may be a bit off. I would like to argue that our unemployment rate is actually higher. Most of my friends have entered grad school to avoid being stuck at home, and unemployment does not cover that. Most of my friends are unemployed from graduation, including myself. I feel that our unemployment rate is around 80%, but that is my exaggeration. Yet, "for each percentage point tacked on, salaries drop 6% for new graduates." We are getting jipped out of a lot of money.

The article further states, "Perhaps the smart money is on college graduates of 2010 switching careers, not just employers, several times in their lifetime." What I am taking from this is, our generation is suffering the most. At a time when the world is supposed to be at our feet, we have returned to square one. We are suppressed to just waiting out the Great Recession. Not only that, but after we have just discovered what we want to pursue and just studied for 4 years, we may now be forced to switch careers just to survive. Why should our dreams come at a cost or be postponed? What lesson is being taught there. I only hope 30 years from now, our generation won't be saying, "if only I had done this."

Maybe it already has. This is an article link just proving that point. http://www.theonion.com/content/node/30469?utm_source=EMTF_Onion

Overall, I am just really angry about the economy, and I know I am not alone. To my fellow Millennials, we will learn from this, and we will become more aware of money and its fragile existence. I also take this challenge as a wake up call for us. The only way things are going to change is if we take matters into our own hands. We must make the change. I refuse to be one of the 15% of those not getting ahead in life. I want this to change. Let's make a good name for our generation as we have a lot to overcome. Maybe it will be a Cultural Transformation!

Let's take this as our rallying cry! Millennials unite! :D

Similar article to the one used above:

http://www.mediapost.com/publications/index.cfmfa=Articles.showArticle&art_aid=114727

Where is my Peter Pan?

Alright, so maybe I have not been completely fair. I realize that my last post was a bit strong, and I seemed to complain a lot. I do not want to come across as spoiled or ungrateful to anyone. So if I do, I am sorry; that was not my intention. I just wanted to get over what I was feeling.

Anyway, as I looked back at my posts, not just yesterday's, but all posts, it seems that it may not be illustrating myself in the best light. I know that what I say is mostly about my anxiety, frustration, and inpatience with life. I just want to say, that I am not all negative. Yes, I let negative thoughts or energies rule me perhaps more than they should, but I am generally a really positive person. I believe things all happen for a reason, and politeness should be used by all human beings. As much as I am frustrated with being home and unable to get started on my career, I know that something big is coming. I keep a positive attitude because for every minute you spend upset, is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. I don't like to get upset, and I don't like people to see me get that way. It is a side of me that may not be my brightest colors.

Okay, excuse that rant. My point is, I see what I have written, and I realize... when did I finally decide to grow up? As far as I know, I don't think I have had a deciding moment in life to where I became an adult. Like in Finding Neverland, Mr. Barrie's character tells the oldest son, George, "The boy is gone. In the last 30 seconds, you became a grown up." Have a had my moment? We always hear of a "coming of age" story, such as Catcher In the Rye or in a movie like "Now and Then". But outside of theatrical life, is there such a defining moment? Or does the transition just happen over time?

As I sit here in my room typing this, I look around. Although my room is painted like a teenage room, I believe there are elements of sophistication, and proof that I have gotten older.; whether it is through my pictures of my time in Florida or my Boston University Diploma hanging on my bookshelf. But overall, I still see so many remants of my girlhood. I have about 30 pillows I made in middle school, the stuffed animals I slept with when I was five, the rediculous pastels and pinks that really just conflict with the rest of my room. Looking at this, I realize that I do not want that anymore. I want to either donate my stuff or throw it out. This is what gets me, I have NEVER thought those thoughts before. When did I finally outgrow my room, my stuff, my childhood? I don't need this items, and I do not necessarily want them. Never have a felt such a disconnect to my childhood or my room. When did home become so unfamiliar?

I know that this is the "you are becoming an adult" stage in my life. Yay, I have made it! But... I am not so happy. I have loved my childhood. I love everything about being young, discovering who you are, and dreaming. Although I rarely divuldged in normal kids acitvities (I have always been more mature for my age and a rather serious kid), I still feel like I am a kid at heart. When I am happy, you know that I am happy! I still feel I have the same curiosity for the world as I did when I was six. Heck, I still have the same dreams from when I was six.

Luckily, I have never been told by my parents, "It's time to grow up." They never pressured me into finding a serious, more respectable profession. To that, I am eternally grateful. I remember my first job, I worked at my local one room theater. I was so happy to be working somewhat in the "film" industry, I guess I was smiling a bit to much as they walked out.

One of the guests made it a point to come up to me and said, "I have never seen a smile so bright. You are a kid at heart. Never, ever lose that. The world needs that."

"I won't. I promise," I said. I will make it a duty of mine not too.

So here I am at the verge of adulthood, and saying goodbye to my childhood as I am about to leave the nest in the upcoming weeks. I have always feared getting older because I love the spirit of being young, and I never want it to end. So I am waiting by my window every night, waiting for him to arrive. Where is Peter Pan when you need him most?! Am I like Wendy, who has to grow up because society expects her too? Even when she does, she never stops believing in her past. I guess being Wendy would not be such a bad thing afterall.

As much as I want to remain young, I know I need to make a life for my own. I just wish Peter would come and save me, even if it is only for a short time. I feel as if I am not ready for such a big step, then simultaneously, I feel as if the world is mine to own.

I don't think I will have a defining moment to prove I have become an adult. Or maybe I did and just don't know it. Or, maybe that will be they day I move out. Not sure. I know I could never say goodbye to my youth, but then I have also never felt so strangely distant from it. I just hope this distance actually diminishes rather than grow over my lifetime. I never want to regret.

I guess change has come, is coming, and will come. I just need to take it one step at a time. I look at my life and see so much potential. I get so excited I want to scream with excitement at times, but then I also have my hesitations and fears like anyone else.

So until I actually decide I am an adult, here I am... a kid of 23... in my childhood room...holding onto my teddy... waiting for Peter to come through my window.

Timing not with Me

As much as I am trying to remain calm, I realize that life's timing is just not meshing with mine lately. Even now, I am on the verge of buying a ticket to Orlando for tomorrow. What has brought this on? Well, my cousins who live behind me are going to Disney for two days (tues and wed). Basically, I want to spoil them!! How is it that I finally have some family come to visit, but I am not there?! ugh not fair!

Anyway, I was up to 12.30am last night texting my uncle about how much I can save him if I were to meet him on property and maingate him in the parks. My cousins have never been to Disney, and I couldn't think of going there without them. So for the last few hours, we have been looking at plane flights to get me down there for two days. I found some deals, but those deals would be if I left tomorrow but stayed for 10 days. As much as this is possible, I am not sure what I would do for the week after they left. I could work, do my projects, swim, read... I would definitely find a way to occupy my time. The only thing preventing me from pressing "purchase" is a mode of transportation.

I have been lucky enough to go to FL and always find a way around with friends or what have you. This time, it is such short notice, that it may not be possible. This realization is KILLING me. For the last few hours, I have been texting friends to borrow a bike if they had one. I was contemplating biking 14 miles to the parks to get where i needed to go. Hey, where there is a will there is a way. I just don't care how, I want it to work.

This is where I realize just how strongly I want to be down there. Last entry, I mentioned how I cannot get FL out of my head. I mean look at me! I am possibly going to buy a 10 day ticket, ride a bike miles and miles, just to get around and be with my cousins for 2 days! That's it, 48 hours to spoil them with what I know. So why did the decision or discussion of not getting there tomorrow make me so mad? I don't know! I think it is the fact that I actually have a chance to help someone out on their vacation, and I have the power to do that. I have the ability to help, but life's variables are too much.

Too much planning and last minute scheduling is going into this, more than is necessary. But I just cannot let go of the fact that they are down there and I am up here. I can save them over $500 bucks, but I have to be there; and I am not.

What hold does FL have on me? I know it is not where I will be forever, but it the only place where life makes sense to me. Being that I am not doing anything in NJ makes it hard not to think about being in FL.

Tonight while I was out to dinner, it was brought up that I wasn't in Florida because I didn't have a car. To me, that is the main reason why I left FL, and why I am not there now. I guess that was how my parents saw it. A heated discussion came up saying that I am not in FL because I knew I wasn't going to go anywhere with the job I had, could search for jobs at home, and go into the city and interview them. True, but I could do all of that in FL, while having things to occupy my time. Plus, how many interviews have I had: one. Where? NYC? Nope! Ironically enough... in Orlando! hahaha. So really, to me, one of the main reasons I am not there is because of the car, but it is so obvious I still want to be there.

I told my mom that not being at Disney when I finally have someone to visit me is really just bad timing, and it sucks. Timing in life is not meshing right now. Timing with a trip to FL, timing with finding a job, timing with moving out. LIFE! When will it click? I know this may sound a bit depressing, but hey, I am just getting so frustrated and restless. I cannot even make a trip to FL, which is like second nature to me by now, work without problems. If I cannot do that, then what can I control in life at the moment? What is left? ugh!

Okay, tune down the drama, got it. I just need to get that out. I wish I was there, for ten days or not. I wish I was there with family, friends, and sunshine. I know that I need to move to LA, and that is why I am now home. However, I am unsure that by moving to LA, if I will ever be able to let FL go. Not sure. I just hope to find a job where I feel I found my place again, where I have a purpose.

Now to buy those tickets or not?

Moving to LA

So I am just going to write this article as I feel. Happy Valentine's Day. This is not a big holiday in my book, nor with my family. To celebrate? We went to our local Atlanta Bread Company (ABC here in town) for dinner with my parents, just us three.

This was anything but an ordinary V-day discussion. We actually sat and talked about my move to LA. This was a long time coming, but also a very heavy subject for me. I know my parents do not understand all the details as to why this move is necessary, but I appreciate them being on my side. They are really willing to work with me on getting our used camry out there with me. I cannot do this without them.

That is not to say that conversation was very easy. I am not sure why, but I got heavy-hearted, a bit emotional, and sad. I should be really excited for this move, but why am I not feeling that? It would be rediculous not to admit my nerves, fear, and anxiety about it. I am not second guessing it, because I know that is where I need to go, but why can't I get my heart to agree with me. I am still in Florida. Why does that place have such a huge hold on me?! I have no idea. But that is another entry. Back to LA, I am going out there with not a lot of money and not a lot of anything, other than connections. Those few connections are what will carry me through this move.

One big hurdle for me will be to confront my fear of spending money. Especially after going through this recession, I do not like the act of spending money. I enjoy doing it for good experience, but overall, I am a very frugal person. Maybe too frugal. So going out to LA and possibly spending all my savings, is a huge risk, and a huge fear. I am not sure how quickly I can get a job, but my money will need to last. I know that I will be investing in myself, and that is probably te best way to use money, but seeing how tough times are, I am just not comfortable with getting rid of it (especially since I spent my whole life saving it). Oh well... as a wise man once told me "follow your fear".

So as of now, I am going out in mid-march. Around the 16th! Between now and then, I have to find friends to stay with for hopefully 6 weeks, so I can go apt shopping till then, get access to my money, get the car from Savannah shipped to CA, and email everyone I know to set up interviews. great work. bring it on.

My parents don't really think I pursued NYC with all my power, and they are right. I didn't. I applied to over 30 jobs in NYC, but none got back to me. I only have one connection in NYC, and she didn't help too much. But what the main thing is, I just do not want to be in NYC. I love the city, but what I want to do is not here as much as it is in LA. My heart is not in it, so why go for it?

Anyway, I am so exited to finally have a plan of action. I just cannot sit here anymore and wait for something to happen. I just can't. I gave up my dream of backbacking Europe right now for this move. Maybe not giving up, but postponing it. I just would not be able to go to Europe and afford to move out when I returned. I also believe that if I want anything in this life, I must pursue it with all I got, and if I fail, then I will return back here... or FL. I just cannot stand still and be okay with it. Something has got to change.

LA...I am coming soon. Cannot wait! Hope it works out, but it is all in God's hands.

Waiting on the Answer

Isn't it funny when time decides to move ever so slowly when you really don't want it too? And just the opposite when you don't need it too? Such a riddle. Well, I have been feeling like that every once in a while. The days at home are all blending together, so time can creeeeeeep by so slowly when I am bored. But then when I actually get to doing things, the day goes by so fast.

Well, this also happened with my spontaneous Orlando trip last weekend. I returned a week ago today. I must say that the week has crawled by for the most part, but looking back at it, it went so fast. I feel like I was just there yesterday.

I am glad I took the trip. The interview went well, and it was really informative. I came away with a great boost in self confidence and encouragement that I am doing the right thing. I chose the industry I was meant to be in, I am just waiting for my first big break. I know it is coming soon. But the most important thing I came away with last week was some closure. I left Orlando so abruptly in December, before I was ready, and I needed to go back even if were just for a few days. I know things have changed, and I needed to know that so I don't keep holding onto what was. Totally worth half of my savings... which it was.

Anyway, I am waiting; waiting for an answer from my job interview. I should be hearing soon. This interview is coming at a big crossroads in my life at the moment. I am just beginning to plan and feel mentally ready to go out to LA in March. I know the time and pressure is getting ripe, and I am on the verge of just packing up and going. The only thing stopping me? This potential job in Orlando. This would really change the direction in my life. The real question is: is it the right one?

I feel that this may be one of the biggest decisions I will ever make, and it will have the biggest impact in terms of my career. I basically have to decide between journalism and entertainment. LA has entertainment and Orlando has brought journalism. Entertainment is my passion, but I could be really good at journalism. Being a girl who hates to reject risks, do I take the position if it were offered? Or do I go chasing a dream possessed by so many and go to LA and try to beat out so many others with no guarantees? Or do I just postpone the LA dream for a while for a job I know I have the potential to be great at? But if I take the Orlando gig, am I rejecting entertainment from my unforeseeable future forever? I am so confused by all of this double questioning every move. I know each job has its pros and cons. I just fear making the wrong decision.

I see this potential job as a great experience; I can only learn from it. I could either hate it or absolutely love it. I have just had my heart set on entertainment for so long, that I have not really considered anything else. I just do not let obstacles deter me from my chosen path. But that is just it, I have chosen this path, so only I can make this decision. I guess that is the real inauguration to adulthood is it not? Since when was it up to me to make my own decision? I don't remember crossing that bridge, I must have crossed it blindfolded.

I am not sure what I will choose. I am preparing and going after LA wholeheartedly as if this Orlando opportunity is not around. I will only make my decision if I only get offered the position. As of now, I will keep low expectations with a positive attitude and stay focused on my goal at hand: to start my career. Unfortunately, that deals with having my future in some unknown executive's hands. Until then, I am waiting to hear from them. I will continue to wait for an answer, but I hope it's a good one.

Stifling Cage

This was a message I meant to send last night. It applies a bit to today, but I was a lot better. Just one of those nights...

Ugh! Tonight is just one of those nights that is just purely frustrating. It's not like anything bad has happened, but just an accumulation of all the small things. Everything from my parents not understanding me, not being allowed to say what I really want, and not getting anywhere. Plus, tonight is supposed to bring on Snowmaggedon -about 12 inches are expected for my area.

Anyway, I feel like there is not much keeping me from screaming on the top of my lungs. Just need the perfect area to do it. I was so excited earlier because my cousins are going to Orlando next week, and I really, really want to be there to spoil them. So now, I am trying to find every way to get me down there for those days. Not sure if it will happen.

One of the things that stresses me out most in life is money. I know it shouldn't, but it does. The fact I am not making any, but getting the pressure to start paying for things is super stressful. A family member wants me to start taking over my life insurance bills, despite the fact that she bought me that as a present. Is it fair to have me pay for my own present? I am grateful, but I just do not understand it at the moment.

So welcome to the real world jobless college grad! Here are some of the bills I know I need to start taking over: health insurance, car insurance, cell phone, life insurance, student loans, and debt to parents. That is all without moving out of the house yet. Soon, there will be rent, utilities, food, gas, and more on top of that. I hate knowing life is so expensive without going anywhere!!

I just feel soo... stifled. I want to be a person that is understood by those around me, be creative in a supportive environment, and just act the random, unique way I want to be. Unfortunately, that is not always understood by my parents. We have not even brought up my moving to LA plan yet. They are so busy, and not always here nowadays, so I cannot get my voice out.

For example, I was in the car with one of my parents, and a lime green utilities "sniper" truck was around. I commented on how it was like the Scooby Doo van, and we had such an awkward exchange of "what? I don't get it." Ugh, it wasn't that funny, but to repeat it 300 times defeats the point. That was one of three misunderstood comments just today.

I miss feeling young, I miss feeling extroverted. I miss feeling like the world is on my shoulders. I feel like I am getting into this closed-in, shrinking cage, and I am stifled. Stifled to be free, be myself, and be happy. Not sure how much more of this I can take. Best way to describe it is a "slingshot"; I am getting more and more force pulling back on me, that I feel I am about to shoot off extremely fast and conquer the world.

In fact, I added to one of my life's goals: Scream at the top of my lungs somewhere. Just need to find that place.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a lot better, but with so much snow coming and keeping us inside, I think it is just a physical symbol of how caged in a actually feel. I want to break free with the sunshine on my face!!

Okay, enough complaining. Just had to end a bad day. Until tomorrow...

Religious Questioning

As I previously stated, I seem to be going through a phase in life where I am questioning everything. It is not that I doubt a lot of my beliefs, I just want to make sure that I stand strong in them. This even includes my religion.

I was confirmed in the Presbyterian Church in 2002. It was a good moment in my life, and I was confident in my decision, especially after my specific experience or what I interpreted it as my "encounter" with God several months before. That was during my freshman year in high school, and it was a tough year. Some events from that year included: beginning high school, Sept 11th, family member diagnosed with leukemia, and becoming a serious athlete. So naturally during this time, I questioned my religion, more of what my relationship with God truly was. I often resented my classmates who were just going through the motions because it was expected by their parents. It was for me too, but I really tried to challenge myself. By the time of my confirmation, I felt so strong and set in my faith.

Since then, yes, faith has always been a core aspect to my life. I think of it as a glue, without it, I would fall apart. Without faith how can one get through the tough times or rejoice in the glorious? However, faith can mean all different kinds of things to various people. Faith does not associate you to a set religious organization, but defines you as more spiritual. As I have gone through college, I have learned that there is a difference between spirituality and religion. I never knew of this because of my home town being mostly Catholic, and being Christian was just part of the norm.

In college, I took an Eastern Religions class where I learned about Taoism, Confucianism, Hinduism, Muslim, and Buddhism. I was totally intrigued by this. Not that I am denying my own beliefs, but I was excited to know there are so many other ways to feel a greater purpose in life. In this class, our semester's purpose, was to define what the "ultimate purpose" was. To this day, it is something I constantly think about.

I am proud to be a Christian because I believe in its moral code, the goodness in people, the way we respect one another. What I do not like about the religion is how strict, closed-minded, rigid, and imposing it can be. I am open to exploring and understanding other beliefs because it gives me a sense of confidence in what I believe.

However, lately, I seem to have lost a sense of confidence in my faith. Maybe it is just due to the crazy, unpredictable times I am currently facing in life, or maybe it's something else I have yet to understand. Not one event has made me feel this way, but just a bunch of small things. One being, when I was in FL, many of my friends are either, A. not that religious, or B. of a different belief system. For the first time, I really felt like I was a minority. I have never been comfortable talking about my relationship with God because I take it personally, and I do not believe on imposing my ideas on others. I believe that most of being a Christian is defined through the way you live your life, not a matter of what you say to others. So I kept a lot of this doubt to myself, and it seems to have gotten worse, especially when I left FL.

Another reason for questioning is when I went church in FL, I did not agree with everything that was being said. I am not sure if this was due to a geological difference or not, but just because I viewed something differently, does that mean I am any less of a Christian? I do not believe so.

I also cannot stand the negative stereotype that comes with being religious. I hate it being used against me. No, I do not attend or have attended a Bible study every night where we sit around the campfire and pray. So just get that intense practice image out of your head. It isn't me. Just because I try to live my life with a good foundation does not mean I am not open to other ideas. I believe I am more flexible and open to interpretation with my spirituality. I even thought about going to various religious leaders and asking them about their faith i.e. a Rabbi for Judiasm.

Speaking of Judiasm, I have become more and more intrigued about this religion. I am trying to understand it as much as possible. I know it is one set by rules, and expectations, but for it being the "parent" of the Christian faith, I find it a bit ignorant to one not explore its message.

Can I be honest for a sec? This is hard for me to admit, but that is what this blog is for, right? Well even as I write about this sensitive subject, I am afraid to mention Jesus. It is taking a lot for me not to delete his name from this entry, and I have no idea why. I am unsure of him at the moment, I guess. Is it wrong to feel closer to God rather than Jesus? Or does Jesus come first? Why? I hope to get this all figured out.

Anyway, I know that I have a firm belief in God, and every relationship has ups and downs. Some of these other "down" factors have been deaths in the family, a loss for direction in my current life, losing jobs, and just being in a time of uncertainty; all of these naturally lead to religious questioning.

I believe faith is a very personal journey, and it is often hard for me to talk about it openly. However, I just want to make sure my faith remains strong with conviction, and that I find my purpose or my life's destined path sooner rather than later. And as I go through this period, I do not want anyone to think negatively of me, I hope others would form their opinion of me from all various aspects of my life as I do them.

Sorry if I rambled, it just helps to say it all as I feel. So for now, I am soul searching... searching for explanations, answers, confirmation, and God's voice.

Where Do I Go From Here?

This was a journal entry I typed when I returned home 5 weeks ago amidst all the confusion and frustration. I felt like I failed leaving Orlando to come home surrendering independence. I must admit things have gotten better as I am now adjusting to life at home. This was just how I felt at the time. Anyway... let it speak for itself. I hope others can relate.

Where do I go from Here?

That seems to be the question that sums up my lack of direction in life at the moment. I have no idea what I attempt to accomplish by writing all of this down, but my head is tired of the endless circles of thoughts during the cold, winter nights. I thought a blank sheet of paper may be my only outlet for a world that feels upside down. At least I know I am not alone.

It has been 8 months since I graduated from college. I didn’t just graduate from a any college, but a good school. I am not going to brag, but I guess I can pump up my ego in my journal by saying I graduated Magna Cum Laude in a top 50 school of the nation, which puts me intellectually up, guesstimating of course, within the top 15% of my age group. Hearing that, I feel pretty special, but that does not equate to actually getting a job.

I did all the things I was supposed to do in college; internships, work, study and network. Not only that, but I got honor grades, worked 6 internships, studied abroad a whole year and still played volleyball. According to society’s equation of attending college + an internship + graduation (is supposed to) = a job. Well where is it?

It’s been 8 months. I apply to 5-10 jobs a week. Yes, I am aware that I picked a tough industry to begin with, but I do not shy away from the competition; I actually find it motivating. I am not one to just take no for an answer, I like to go after what I want with full energy and enthusiasm. I love the entertainment industry, and I want to be in it. With that said, it’s been 8 months of not getting anything towards what I want to do.

I feel like I am about to go insane sometimes. Some days are better than others, but I feel so lost for direction. I have days that I feel so unmotivated, and others where I want to run 100 miles just to burn off my stored energy.

I feel I have become what I have always feared: an unproductive member in society just floating around with nowhere to go. I have always looked at those individuals who just stayed at home and never left the nest with a small amount of loathing. I used to feel that people return home with no job and no direction were lazy and unmotivated. This does not apply to me. Yes, I am at home all day, but I have not lost the qualities that made me a stand out individual in high school, and it’s embarrassing to think that I am back to square one sharing the same circumstances with that said person. How did doing all the right and sometimes beyond expected events lead to such disappointment and dissatisfaction? I thought life was not supposed to go that way.

Now before you judge me, let me just say that I do not expect anything in this life to be handed to me. Take it from the girl who got rejected by every college, but the one she attended. I know that I have to be aggressive I want to accomplish anything, but I am lost for what my next step should be.

I feel I have perfected the art of resume and cover letter writing. I have about three different resumes, and 50+ cover letters, but a piece of paper never tells you how a person works as an individual. Everything these days are done through the internet, and I feel that it is the most impersonal medium to find a job. Despite the popular networking sites and portals, I feel as if I submit my resume into the endless void of undefined space that is the internet. Your resume disappears as if it never existed and you never hear a reply from the database to which you entered. What happened to the phone calls, HR departments, and human decency of trying to help one find a position? The only way to job apply is through the thin computer screen and never deal with any human interaction. In fact, I can apply to 10 jobs to 10 different companies while all sitting on the floor of my room and never leaving. Is this or is this not a good thing?

Technology has made life easier to get information, but more complicated to interact with others. Thus a simple resume becomes an utter speck in the universe of the internet. Who knows, maybe it landed in a black hole.

Anyway, back to my original point. Life according to our parent’s generation was not supposed to end up this confusing. For the first time, life has not gone according to the plan which you were brought up on. So now when you are expected and ready to be on your own to claim your independence, the economy had to tank and put all your momentum into the real world on hold. Where was that in the college course of guidance? I think I missed a class. I feel so unprepared to deal with this restlessness, more so than I would at a top interview with the biggest exec in the nation.

And man, life has come and hit me hard. I didn’t think it would, but everything that seemed easy has stopped, including living at home. I never felt that in all four of my years away at college did I officially leave the house. I have always returned to my roots, but now after 7 months of being independent, home has never felt so unfamiliar.

Horoscope correctness...again!

“Sagittarius- “Some people have a hard time letting the wind carry them where it will. That’s not your challenge. It’s way harder for you to stay in one place for any duration. You’re in luck. You’ll be asked (and maybe paid) to wander.”

Wow. This was dead on yet again. Instead of telling me of my current situation, it gives me a bit of hope about my future. I have no problem following the wind as it says. In fact, I love the idea of not knowing where I will be in the next few years, yet alone next week. I love to travel. I think that goes back to my childhood.

As a kid, I moved around about 8 times before settling in New Jersey. However, my activities left me anything but still. I was on a travel Volleyball team that led me everywhere from Seattle to Tampa. Then in college, I was in Boston, Orlando, New Zealand, Los Angeles and New Jersey to name a few places. I accept I may never officially settle in one place. It's just been who I am. It doesn't mean I like it, because I do like the idea of having a stable place in life.

However, staying in one place for a long time does tend to cause great angst in me. I am bitten with the travel bug. I want to see the world and all it has to offer. I cannot relate to those who do not feel the same. I know that I get antsy after a few months in one spot. Even being home now, which has only been 5 weeks, I am dying for a change. A change in location, scenery, and weather. My trip to Orlando this week was a great break.

Now for the future part. It gives me hope saying that i will get asked to wander. It would be ideal for me to find a job that lets me travel and see places. I really hope that is the "paid" part of this horoscope. I just know that a change is coming soon...a new location, a new job, a new purpose. yay!

Today's Horoscope

Sagittarius- “Taking the long way home is a great way to start seeing things from a new perspective. Really, any disruption from routine will do wonders. You have been bored with your groove, and now you’ll do something about it.”

That was my daily horoscope today in my state paper. I am not sure if I completely buy the idea of zodiac signs, but sometimes i find them extremely accurate. Today was that case. I am not sure if this was meant to be talking specifically about today or about the last few weeks of my life in general, but i will leave it up to my own interpretation.

So let's analyze. First, there is the "long way home." I think this is referring to my recent departure of Orlando via a four day road trip. It didn't have to be that long, but yes, it was a looong four days of just me and my thoughts in the car. This road trip has now brought me to staying at home in NJ for the past 5 weeks. And yes, I have started to see things in a new perspective. Without work in Orlando, friends, and activities to do during my day, I have no more distractions.

Disney has always been a good distraction. When I am there, I am not always concerned with the life beyond that area, including my future. So now, I am totally away from any distraction, the real "disruption from routine", and have a total new focus on what my next move in life will be. Once I move, I will see how my transition from Orlando did me wonders.

I also think the "disruption from routine" has a second meaning: My routine at home. I need to stop this routine of sleeping in, applying for jobs, and scrapbooking. What I need is a job. Once I get the job, or move to LA, my unproductive routine at home will be stopped, and make me happy (doing wonders).

I have been "bored with my groove" both in Orlando and here at home. I love Orlando, but working recreation at Disney was super boring. There were days I could not wait for the day to end. I hate being bored, and my recent roles there left me twiddling my thumbs. At home, I am bored. I am bored of doing nothing, I am bored of watching tv, doing facebook, writing coverletters. I just want to get started with life!

So all that's left, is to "do something about it." That "something" refers to the ultimate move to Los Angeles or the acceptance of a recently interviewed position in Florida. Who knows where, but that change is coming. My future is wide open, and I hope it's coming fast.

Cosmos, you could not have been more accurate!

Questioning Everything

As we grow older it is only natural that we question the world that we live in. For many people, this time of questioning is during their teenage years. For me, well, I think I am going through it now. I am not sure why now, but for some reason, I have been questioning anything and everything.

Growing up, I have had a very curious mind. I love to understand the details of life from psychology to weather. I have always been the one to ask the questions in class above everyone else. Even currently, my friends call me 20Q because of the frequency I question things. "I am thirsty for knowledge," says my mom, but what I think I am really after is the truth. Not to get all XFiles on you, but I want to know what is the right way to perceive the world.

That may sound like an impossible task as there is no one way to see the world. But, I want to form a very educated pov so as I grow older, I know I am making the most informed decisions. This approach will cover every topic from religion, politics, friendship, science, leisure, and more.

I am not sure why this questioning is coming about now, in this time of my life, this time of year, but it has. As a teenager, I have always been very obedient accepting that the truth comes from those who are older than me. I never tried to prove it wrong, whether that was my mother and her political beliefs, or confirmation class in church. Parents, teachers, pastors... they are my main source of opinions, well, were.

I think that because I have been going through a very strong soul searching period in my life, if I am going to question my future, I have to challenge everything I know. Since graduation in May, I have been struggling to form my own opinion on issues such as gay marriage, christianity, and conservatism. I have always had an answer to those topics, but for the first time, I am unsure if I think that way because I want/choose too, or if it is because of my upbringing. That thought has sent a chill down my spine, because I do NOT want to go through life knowing that my opinion was formed solely by others. I need to know that I feel that way because I CHOSE to do it. Thus, to escape the sheltered box of my upbringing, I am now questioning everything.

I get a lot of crap about how I was brought up sometimes from others because it was very conservative, small town minded. I know that concept creates a stereotype of who I am, how others will see me when we meet for the first time. It is an image that I am not comfortable with, especially if that is the way people perceive me.

I do not want to be known as the sheltered girl anymore. I want to break free from it. It sucks knowing that a lot of life has been experienced through an invisible cage. There are many that see this in me, and turn it into a huge fault, and use it as a reason to not help me out, to ignore me, to not like me. If I ever saw someone like that, I would love to teach them about life. I take it personally when people use my background against me.

I am trying to shatter this image without sacrificing the values that I believe. I want to form my own opinions, and I want to find my own voice. BUT, I cannot do this alone. I have been lucky enough to have some true individuals in my life. They live the life the way they want, and I learn from them. I do not want to be around the same cookie-cutter image of Chatham, NJ. That is why I have friends like Allan and James, who are unique individuals, and I love them. That is what I want to become: my own individual.

I think that all of this is challenging life is a direct result from the stage of uncertainty I am currently living. With tough economic times, I am not sure what the future holds, or where I am going. The only thing I have control over is how I choose to see the world. I guess I am going through my teenage angst rather late in life, but later is better than never.

I cannot break free of this sheltered image without help, so if you know me, please know that I am open to learn. I want people to understand that I have a very open mind, and that I love to listen about other ways of life. If we do not have things in common, then what better way to learn about each other? Please do not see me for my past, but for what I am trying to become.

Here is to finding my new voice, my new opinions... here is to questioning everything.

President's Speech Opinion

Hey Blog! Sorry it has been a few days. I have so much to talk about, but I will split it up into a few posts. This post will deal with President Obama's State of the Union Address over a week ago. I would have posted earlier, but a lot happened and I couldn't post anything. So here it goes.

President Obama gave his first State of the Union Address on January 27th, 2010, and I watched the entire telecast, including the GOP opinion afterwards. I am not one to love politics or to really get involved in them, but I am trying to change that. My 2009 New Year's resolution was to become more politically aware. I think I accomplished that. Now, I want to really form my own opinions on topics and have the information to back them up.

Anyway, Obama... I got to hand it to him. Whether or not you are a fan, he is one of the most eloquent speakers I have ever witnessed. Communication is not a problem for him, and it is about time we had such a confident and positive leader personality to broadcast to the world.

However, despite his charisma, I am not the biggest fan of him. He has had a year, and from what I have felt with the economy, 2009 became even worse than 2008. He spent 800 million dollars to create jobs, and help the economy. Change is what he promised. I am proof that none of this has worked. Something needs to change, and it all starts in Washington.

I see that he is such an idealist, and that is how he won much of his fan base.

Okay, now about the speech. I felt that he had some really good points. The points he raises are true and valid. Here are some I agree with:

1. "We face big and difficult challenges," but he has never been "more hopeful about America's future than tonight." I'd agree. We can only go up from here, we have too. I cannot imagine things much worse other than an official declaration of a depression.

2. Economy is the biggest and most urgent task to fix. Self explanatory. Everyone should agree. I, too, disagreed with the bail out, although I understand why it was done. But, if you believe in capitalism, then no help should have been offered. Companies will start anew and jobs will be needed for newly founded corps.

3. Jobs will be #1 focus for 2010, and he will create a new bill to help out. Finally! I want a job! 1/10 are out of work, and that does not include those who have taken a lower paying job just to survive and those recent college graduates struggling to live. This should have been the priority since day one.

4. 30 billion dollars will go from Wall Street to small businesses. Small businesses are the key to stimulating the economy. Small companies will make up a large majority of newly created jobs, thus will spend money to pay salaries, which in turn will be spent by the employees back into the economy.

5. Tax rebates offered to home that become more energy efficient. I think this is a great incentive to get US as a leading energy-efficient nation. Being the last superpower, it is up to us to lead the example to help our planet. So much more can be done, and I think this is a good start.

6. "I do not accept second place for the U.S.A." Nor do I! I believe we are the greatest country, and we have so much to offer. I am proud of this nation. That was probably his best quote of the night.

7. Energy innovation will increase through nuclear power plants, coal technologies, and oil developments off shore. (Notice he never really mentioned global warming or climate change. I still remain skeptical about the term given that this has been the coldest winter in over a generation, and each year gets colder and colder. But that is another issue.)

8. Strengthen America's exports within next 5 years. This will lead to stronger connections with Asia, Columbia and national trade.

9. Education is the best fight against poverty. yes. Every student should have access to an education. We need to make college more affordable, or else the gap between the rich and poor will grow even more, and that cannot be good for our nation's future as a leading global power. I also liked his proposal for those who graduate college and enter into public service would be forgiven student debts. This will make our domestic line of defense a lot stronger, and taken with more pride, as our would-be police men and women are going to where the money is rather than the community to work.

10. With our budget in crisis, Obama proposes having a website created to show exactly how each dollar is spent by the government. This will decrease government secrecy and public discontent on Obama's mismanagement of money.

11. Weekly meetings with both Democrat and Republican leaders. Good.

12. Create new national support to military families. They need a better transition and we owe it to them.

13. North Korea will face growing consequences.

Okay. So that seems like a pretty good list. Now here are the points I did not agree with:

1. For the economy, Obama passed 25+ tax cuts on federal level. Yes, that is good, BUT, instead he taxed the rich more, and then increased the state taxes. So with decreased federal tax, the states had to compensate and pay for more. That is why NJ is in such huge deficit and may have even led to why Mass elected a new Republican Senator, maybe? States suffered.

2. For economy, Obama mentioned taxing corporations more than the individual for money. This would not work at all because if his number one priority is creating jobs, then why would a company hire new employees if they cannot afford them due to tax. Do not tax the companies if you want to create new jobs!!

3. For doubling exports, his time frame is within next five years. His term is only for 4, so he plans to spend more money on increasing his government power for something our economy would not feel the effect until his term ends.

4. Education - Obama will pass a bill to revitalize the community college. That is fine, as local colleges are key to a communities survival. However, if higher education becomes affordable or so low in cost, that all have access to it, are we not then sharing a privilege that most strive to work for? In other words, education may become more communist than a democratic trait given the fact we all have equal access to something that used to define class or social status. If it becomes all equal, then it will not be valued.

5. Health Insurance -ugh! Where to start? I do see why Obama has tackled this issue, and why it appeals to many, especially the poor. However, I see that once the government has the control over such an important part of an individual's life, then the government will become bigger and bigger. What most do not realize, is that even with health reform passed, you can only choose from a number of selected doctors the government recommends and only have certain procedures covered. So you are paying less for less treatment. What is good about that? You are still paying for insurance, for a doctor, and how is that any different than what we currently have? Health care is just a HUGE money mismanagement that will result in great troubles in future generations. Health care needs to be affordable, and accessbile across state lines, not in the hands of the gov. There is no such thing as a one size fits all investment that will cover all Americans.

6. The Budget- for a nation that is already in massive debt, why would it be necessary to spend 684 BILLION? Secondly, how can health care reform then decrease the budget? Sorry if this seems crazy, but wouldnt spending money one deosnt have result in a greater debt? I thought I learned that in, idk, 4th grade!

7. Freeze spending - Obama promised when he was on campaign that he would not freeze any spending, however, he now says it may be necessary. That sounds like a broken promise to me, or even a change in policy.

8. What about immigration laws or borders? He not once mentioned this topic as it became something Bush was under a lot of heat for. That doesn't seem fair.

9. Energy- if you want to increase off shore drilling, must use sources here at home first! Drill in Alaska, the Atlantic. We must use what we have here before we look outwards to other sources. This has potential to weaken our international prowess.

10. Christmas day terrorist - how could he be let go so quickly? Did Obama not think we could use him to get more information? He almost succeeded, what was his punishment? We need to protect the people not the terrorists!

Overall.... Obama is an idealist. His points and vision of America sound amazing and inspiring, but his implementation of these plans have been anything but. They have spent the money he promised would increase jobs when he was inaugurated, but that did not happen. It failed. The government is doing too much, spread too thin. We need to concentrate at domestic issues in order to grow again. This needs to result in giving the money back to small businesses and people. If the government has spent the money, gotten more control, and decreased international security. I am afraid we are now open to greater opposition. I agree for our current economic state, a government closest to the people governs best. Keep it small, keep it free. We will conquer.

God bless the U.S.A. Here we go 2010. May it be a good year.