Where Do I Go From Here?

This was a journal entry I typed when I returned home 5 weeks ago amidst all the confusion and frustration. I felt like I failed leaving Orlando to come home surrendering independence. I must admit things have gotten better as I am now adjusting to life at home. This was just how I felt at the time. Anyway... let it speak for itself. I hope others can relate.

Where do I go from Here?

That seems to be the question that sums up my lack of direction in life at the moment. I have no idea what I attempt to accomplish by writing all of this down, but my head is tired of the endless circles of thoughts during the cold, winter nights. I thought a blank sheet of paper may be my only outlet for a world that feels upside down. At least I know I am not alone.

It has been 8 months since I graduated from college. I didn’t just graduate from a any college, but a good school. I am not going to brag, but I guess I can pump up my ego in my journal by saying I graduated Magna Cum Laude in a top 50 school of the nation, which puts me intellectually up, guesstimating of course, within the top 15% of my age group. Hearing that, I feel pretty special, but that does not equate to actually getting a job.

I did all the things I was supposed to do in college; internships, work, study and network. Not only that, but I got honor grades, worked 6 internships, studied abroad a whole year and still played volleyball. According to society’s equation of attending college + an internship + graduation (is supposed to) = a job. Well where is it?

It’s been 8 months. I apply to 5-10 jobs a week. Yes, I am aware that I picked a tough industry to begin with, but I do not shy away from the competition; I actually find it motivating. I am not one to just take no for an answer, I like to go after what I want with full energy and enthusiasm. I love the entertainment industry, and I want to be in it. With that said, it’s been 8 months of not getting anything towards what I want to do.

I feel like I am about to go insane sometimes. Some days are better than others, but I feel so lost for direction. I have days that I feel so unmotivated, and others where I want to run 100 miles just to burn off my stored energy.

I feel I have become what I have always feared: an unproductive member in society just floating around with nowhere to go. I have always looked at those individuals who just stayed at home and never left the nest with a small amount of loathing. I used to feel that people return home with no job and no direction were lazy and unmotivated. This does not apply to me. Yes, I am at home all day, but I have not lost the qualities that made me a stand out individual in high school, and it’s embarrassing to think that I am back to square one sharing the same circumstances with that said person. How did doing all the right and sometimes beyond expected events lead to such disappointment and dissatisfaction? I thought life was not supposed to go that way.

Now before you judge me, let me just say that I do not expect anything in this life to be handed to me. Take it from the girl who got rejected by every college, but the one she attended. I know that I have to be aggressive I want to accomplish anything, but I am lost for what my next step should be.

I feel I have perfected the art of resume and cover letter writing. I have about three different resumes, and 50+ cover letters, but a piece of paper never tells you how a person works as an individual. Everything these days are done through the internet, and I feel that it is the most impersonal medium to find a job. Despite the popular networking sites and portals, I feel as if I submit my resume into the endless void of undefined space that is the internet. Your resume disappears as if it never existed and you never hear a reply from the database to which you entered. What happened to the phone calls, HR departments, and human decency of trying to help one find a position? The only way to job apply is through the thin computer screen and never deal with any human interaction. In fact, I can apply to 10 jobs to 10 different companies while all sitting on the floor of my room and never leaving. Is this or is this not a good thing?

Technology has made life easier to get information, but more complicated to interact with others. Thus a simple resume becomes an utter speck in the universe of the internet. Who knows, maybe it landed in a black hole.

Anyway, back to my original point. Life according to our parent’s generation was not supposed to end up this confusing. For the first time, life has not gone according to the plan which you were brought up on. So now when you are expected and ready to be on your own to claim your independence, the economy had to tank and put all your momentum into the real world on hold. Where was that in the college course of guidance? I think I missed a class. I feel so unprepared to deal with this restlessness, more so than I would at a top interview with the biggest exec in the nation.

And man, life has come and hit me hard. I didn’t think it would, but everything that seemed easy has stopped, including living at home. I never felt that in all four of my years away at college did I officially leave the house. I have always returned to my roots, but now after 7 months of being independent, home has never felt so unfamiliar.