I was confirmed in the Presbyterian Church in 2002. It was a good moment in my life, and I was confident in my decision, especially after my specific experience or what I interpreted it as my "encounter" with God several months before. That was during my freshman year in high school, and it was a tough year. Some events from that year included: beginning high school, Sept 11th, family member diagnosed with leukemia, and becoming a serious athlete. So naturally during this time, I questioned my religion, more of what my relationship with God truly was. I often resented my classmates who were just going through the motions because it was expected by their parents. It was for me too, but I really tried to challenge myself. By the time of my confirmation, I felt so strong and set in my faith.
Since then, yes, faith has always been a core aspect to my life. I think of it as a glue, without it, I would fall apart. Without faith how can one get through the tough times or rejoice in the glorious? However, faith can mean all different kinds of things to various people. Faith does not associate you to a set religious organization, but defines you as more spiritual. As I have gone through college, I have learned that there is a difference between spirituality and religion. I never knew of this because of my home town being mostly Catholic, and being Christian was just part of the norm.
In college, I took an Eastern Religions class where I learned about Taoism, Confucianism, Hinduism, Muslim, and Buddhism. I was totally intrigued by this. Not that I am denying my own beliefs, but I was excited to know there are so many other ways to feel a greater purpose in life. In this class, our semester's purpose, was to define what the "ultimate purpose" was. To this day, it is something I constantly think about.
I am proud to be a Christian because I believe in its moral code, the goodness in people, the way we respect one another. What I do not like about the religion is how strict, closed-minded, rigid, and imposing it can be. I am open to exploring and understanding other beliefs because it gives me a sense of confidence in what I believe.
However, lately, I seem to have lost a sense of confidence in my faith. Maybe it is just due to the crazy, unpredictable times I am currently facing in life, or maybe it's something else I have yet to understand. Not one event has made me feel this way, but just a bunch of small things. One being, when I was in FL, many of my friends are either, A. not that religious, or B. of a different belief system. For the first time, I really felt like I was a minority. I have never been comfortable talking about my relationship with God because I take it personally, and I do not believe on imposing my ideas on others. I believe that most of being a Christian is defined through the way you live your life, not a matter of what you say to others. So I kept a lot of this doubt to myself, and it seems to have gotten worse, especially when I left FL.
Another reason for questioning is when I went church in FL, I did not agree with everything that was being said. I am not sure if this was due to a geological difference or not, but just because I viewed something differently, does that mean I am any less of a Christian? I do not believe so.
I also cannot stand the negative stereotype that comes with being religious. I hate it being used against me. No, I do not attend or have attended a Bible study every night where we sit around the campfire and pray. So just get that intense practice image out of your head. It isn't me. Just because I try to live my life with a good foundation does not mean I am not open to other ideas. I believe I am more flexible and open to interpretation with my spirituality. I even thought about going to various religious leaders and asking them about their faith i.e. a Rabbi for Judiasm.
Speaking of Judiasm, I have become more and more intrigued about this religion. I am trying to understand it as much as possible. I know it is one set by rules, and expectations, but for it being the "parent" of the Christian faith, I find it a bit ignorant to one not explore its message.
Can I be honest for a sec? This is hard for me to admit, but that is what this blog is for, right? Well even as I write about this sensitive subject, I am afraid to mention Jesus. It is taking a lot for me not to delete his name from this entry, and I have no idea why. I am unsure of him at the moment, I guess. Is it wrong to feel closer to God rather than Jesus? Or does Jesus come first? Why? I hope to get this all figured out.
Anyway, I know that I have a firm belief in God, and every relationship has ups and downs. Some of these other "down" factors have been deaths in the family, a loss for direction in my current life, losing jobs, and just being in a time of uncertainty; all of these naturally lead to religious questioning.
I believe faith is a very personal journey, and it is often hard for me to talk about it openly. However, I just want to make sure my faith remains strong with conviction, and that I find my purpose or my life's destined path sooner rather than later. And as I go through this period, I do not want anyone to think negatively of me, I hope others would form their opinion of me from all various aspects of my life as I do them.
Sorry if I rambled, it just helps to say it all as I feel. So for now, I am soul searching... searching for explanations, answers, confirmation, and God's voice.
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