Growing up, I have had a very curious mind. I love to understand the details of life from psychology to weather. I have always been the one to ask the questions in class above everyone else. Even currently, my friends call me 20Q because of the frequency I question things. "I am thirsty for knowledge," says my mom, but what I think I am really after is the truth. Not to get all XFiles on you, but I want to know what is the right way to perceive the world.
That may sound like an impossible task as there is no one way to see the world. But, I want to form a very educated pov so as I grow older, I know I am making the most informed decisions. This approach will cover every topic from religion, politics, friendship, science, leisure, and more.
I am not sure why this questioning is coming about now, in this time of my life, this time of year, but it has. As a teenager, I have always been very obedient accepting that the truth comes from those who are older than me. I never tried to prove it wrong, whether that was my mother and her political beliefs, or confirmation class in church. Parents, teachers, pastors... they are my main source of opinions, well, were.
I think that because I have been going through a very strong soul searching period in my life, if I am going to question my future, I have to challenge everything I know. Since graduation in May, I have been struggling to form my own opinion on issues such as gay marriage, christianity, and conservatism. I have always had an answer to those topics, but for the first time, I am unsure if I think that way because I want/choose too, or if it is because of my upbringing. That thought has sent a chill down my spine, because I do NOT want to go through life knowing that my opinion was formed solely by others. I need to know that I feel that way because I CHOSE to do it. Thus, to escape the sheltered box of my upbringing, I am now questioning everything.
I get a lot of crap about how I was brought up sometimes from others because it was very conservative, small town minded. I know that concept creates a stereotype of who I am, how others will see me when we meet for the first time. It is an image that I am not comfortable with, especially if that is the way people perceive me.
I do not want to be known as the sheltered girl anymore. I want to break free from it. It sucks knowing that a lot of life has been experienced through an invisible cage. There are many that see this in me, and turn it into a huge fault, and use it as a reason to not help me out, to ignore me, to not like me. If I ever saw someone like that, I would love to teach them about life. I take it personally when people use my background against me.
I am trying to shatter this image without sacrificing the values that I believe. I want to form my own opinions, and I want to find my own voice. BUT, I cannot do this alone. I have been lucky enough to have some true individuals in my life. They live the life the way they want, and I learn from them. I do not want to be around the same cookie-cutter image of Chatham, NJ. That is why I have friends like Allan and James, who are unique individuals, and I love them. That is what I want to become: my own individual.
I think that all of this is challenging life is a direct result from the stage of uncertainty I am currently living. With tough economic times, I am not sure what the future holds, or where I am going. The only thing I have control over is how I choose to see the world. I guess I am going through my teenage angst rather late in life, but later is better than never.
I cannot break free of this sheltered image without help, so if you know me, please know that I am open to learn. I want people to understand that I have a very open mind, and that I love to listen about other ways of life. If we do not have things in common, then what better way to learn about each other? Please do not see me for my past, but for what I am trying to become.
Here is to finding my new voice, my new opinions... here is to questioning everything.
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