Ugh! Tonight is just one of those nights that is just purely frustrating. It's not like anything bad has happened, but just an accumulation of all the small things. Everything from my parents not understanding me, not being allowed to say what I really want, and not getting anywhere. Plus, tonight is supposed to bring on Snowmaggedon -about 12 inches are expected for my area.
Anyway, I feel like there is not much keeping me from screaming on the top of my lungs. Just need the perfect area to do it. I was so excited earlier because my cousins are going to Orlando next week, and I really, really want to be there to spoil them. So now, I am trying to find every way to get me down there for those days. Not sure if it will happen.
One of the things that stresses me out most in life is money. I know it shouldn't, but it does. The fact I am not making any, but getting the pressure to start paying for things is super stressful. A family member wants me to start taking over my life insurance bills, despite the fact that she bought me that as a present. Is it fair to have me pay for my own present? I am grateful, but I just do not understand it at the moment.
So welcome to the real world jobless college grad! Here are some of the bills I know I need to start taking over: health insurance, car insurance, cell phone, life insurance, student loans, and debt to parents. That is all without moving out of the house yet. Soon, there will be rent, utilities, food, gas, and more on top of that. I hate knowing life is so expensive without going anywhere!!
I just feel soo... stifled. I want to be a person that is understood by those around me, be creative in a supportive environment, and just act the random, unique way I want to be. Unfortunately, that is not always understood by my parents. We have not even brought up my moving to LA plan yet. They are so busy, and not always here nowadays, so I cannot get my voice out.
For example, I was in the car with one of my parents, and a lime green utilities "sniper" truck was around. I commented on how it was like the Scooby Doo van, and we had such an awkward exchange of "what? I don't get it." Ugh, it wasn't that funny, but to repeat it 300 times defeats the point. That was one of three misunderstood comments just today.
I miss feeling young, I miss feeling extroverted. I miss feeling like the world is on my shoulders. I feel like I am getting into this closed-in, shrinking cage, and I am stifled. Stifled to be free, be myself, and be happy. Not sure how much more of this I can take. Best way to describe it is a "slingshot"; I am getting more and more force pulling back on me, that I feel I am about to shoot off extremely fast and conquer the world.
In fact, I added to one of my life's goals: Scream at the top of my lungs somewhere. Just need to find that place.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be a lot better, but with so much snow coming and keeping us inside, I think it is just a physical symbol of how caged in a actually feel. I want to break free with the sunshine on my face!!
Okay, enough complaining. Just had to end a bad day. Until tomorrow...
No comments:
Post a Comment