A Tough Decision

(Friday May 27^th)

What just happened? I have no idea what to think at the moment. I cannot tell if I am happy, surprised, excited, or just plain confused. What do I do now? Let me explain….

Remember the interview I told you about? The crazy one with the guy who called me a “Farm Girl” and not sure if I could make it? Well, he calledme today, personally. He offered me the job!! WHAT?!?!

He said how he thought that I am super smart and that I could learn a lot from this position. He thought I was the best interview and I had a lot to offer. “All of Hollywood wants you, and we want you to work with us.” All of Hollywood? Haha, no. I really had no idea what to say, and he noticed I was stunned on the phone.

“Why do you sound so surprised?” Because I thought the interview didn’t go well once he called pushed me to defend myself in the interview. I told him, “I thought I ruined it when had to defend myself and got a little hot-headed.” He replied saying he used that interview to test people because he does not like to surround himself with “yes” people. He knew I could handle to pressure and get the job done.

So, with that said… I have a job offer (?!), and I am really grateful for that. Just hearing the words “we want you to come work with us” felt really great to hear. Now why am I not jumping up and down? I need to figure this out. They need an answer by mid-week.

Here is where I am with my upcoming decision…

The Cons:

• This is not a full time job. It is only 3 months, basically to the end of the summer on Sept 2^nd.
• The company is for a marketing company that gets clients on television shows, so I would not be on production like I thought it would be.
• There is no guarantee I would get any work after Sept 2^nd, and has no benefits.
• The work environment is going to be tough, especially seeing how the interview process went. I will definitely be working with a tough personality.
• My hours are 6am-4pm. I have a feeling they will definitely be longer, and I soooo not a morning person.
• The contact I may get are going to be within the marketing world instead of production.
• No one has heard of the company within the production world, so the name on my resume may not be as strong as something like Disney or VH1.
• I have other job leads from Nickelodeon, VH1, Disney, and NBC that I am waiting to hear back from in a few days.

The Pros:

• Being that it is 3 months, I have work for he summer and I can look for other work and still save some money and make minimum payments (helping out the parents).
• I will quit BJs… potentially.
• The pay is pretty decent compared to what I thought I would get.
• The projects/clients they have are in the television talk world, and that is exactly where I think I want to work. I could get potential contacts through that, i.e. the Dr. Drew show.
• This gives me assistant experience, which I need more of on my resume.
• There is room for potential advancement within the company if it is not with the show. They hire within the company.
• It is a job and that is what I am looking for!!

So where does that leave me? I am not sure. I am still debating both sides. Am I being too picky? Or is this something worth being picky about? I know I need more information, so I am hoping to speak with a contact within the company who I know I can ask for honest answers. I need to give the company a response be mid-week, so I have a few days, but not an easy decision.

However the more I think about it, the more I am leaning towards not taking it. I am one to thrive on a work environment that complements my personality. Although this position has the type of work I want to do, it may not be the right environment. With the other leads I have, I know they are better environments, but some are not as close to the work I want to do, but I am about to hear from them in the next few days. Dilemma!

Also, I was told I made the third and final round of a PA position for Disney Animation. Although this position is only until October, it would be a great opportunity to stay within the company and learn about the animation world. There is also a chance to get extended into other projects after October, which is what my roommate has done for the last year and a half.

I also have to hear from the VH1 position I interviewed twice for as well. Her decision should come this upcoming week, and I feel like I have a good shot at it. I have yet to hear from the NBC page program result and Nickelodeon as well. These potential positions are also something I have to weigh into consideration.

I have talked to those really close to me, and the consensus is to follow my gut, but if it were them, they all said they would turn it down. I know I have other options, so I need to be able to decide amongst those. Once I talk to my contact, I think the decision would be easier.

What would you do? I will take this weekend to really sit and think on it. At least this is a good dilemma to have, as my dad said. I think this shows how things may be turning around for me. I am getting closer; I feel it. I just got to keep on plugging at it.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Memorial Day Weekend!! Talk to you later. Until then…

Meetings in NYC

(Thursday May 26^th)

I just got back in from a nice night in the city. I cannot explain to you how great it feels to be in New York again. Tall buildings, busy streets, places to go, and public transportation to get you there!

I have actually been in the city twice this week for various meetings I had set up. On Tuesday, I came in early in the morning to visit an executive at MTV Networks. She was really great. I enjoyed what she had to say because she works within the events department, which is becoming something I seriously want to pursue if production/television does not pan out.

The second girl I met was with Nickelodeon as an assistant. She had a very rocky beginning like I have, and she now loves what she does. She gave me good insight and a new perspective that things will work out for me. I just need the “right place at the right time” deal to happen.

After those meetings, I met up with two BU friends of mine for lunch and a coffee. It was great to see them. It made me wonder if I really see myself back East or not. I know I am an East Coast girl, but where I want to settle, I am still unsure.

I can totally see myself in NYC as a career woman, but not sure if I would live back at home or move into the city. I would want to stay at home for sure, but the commuting and the responding to parental favors would get to me after a while. Then again, living in the city is $$$$ and I don’t have to do that. Plus the city can become overwhelming at times to live, so I would enjoy the break of scenery. The idea of living in NYC is not super thrilling to me, or at least not my first choice. Not sure.

I have been applying to jobs in NYC though, like I have the last 2 years. Nothing has turned up yet. I am leaving it open ended to see where life takes me. Plus, if I leave LA and return to NYC with no job, I feel like I am losing my network foundation I had established out there and worked so hard to get. It’s a tough scenario.

As for tonight, I was at a BU Almuni event. Andy Cohen, of Bravo TV, aka the Reunion man, was the speaker. He graduated from my school in 1990, and has had a very successful career. It was great getting to hear his side of things.

I noticed all the women were so well dressed! Not one slutty girl around! Maybe I have become desensitized by working at an unglamorous restaurant named BJs, but NYC women were so classy! All corporate. No boobs, no booty shorts, but well dressed, flattering outfits. I felt like I was in the right mix again with my intelligent peers that I miss being around.

After the event, 3 of my fellow BU buds went for pizza and a beer to catch up. It was such a great time! NYC PIZZA… how I missed you!! We chatted it up, laughed, and ate. Perfect night out in Soho. There was even a tuba band playing as we were next to a random carnival. I could totally see that being a part of my life, however, dealing with public transportation can be hard at times.

I missed my train by 5 minutes, so I had to wait another hour to get the next one.. AND… they raised the tickets by almost 4 dollars each way now. Boo. I eventually made it home… as you can tell I’m blogging.

Being in NYC has been so great this week! I will return someday, just not sure when. We will see… Until then…

Goodnight!

What’s Done is Done

Monday, May 23^rd)

One more thing I would like to address before bedtime.

I went to the Doctor today for my back. Not sure if you guys know, but I hurt my back over the holidays this year and I never fully recovered. Although I am fine now and feel no pain, I have had some side effects. I have lost feeling in my left leg in some areas.

My pinky toe is constantly on pins and needles, as if it is always asleep. That tingling sensation travels along the left side of my food to my heel. Then from the Achilles tendon put to a few inches higher than my knee on the back of my leg, I have no feeling at all. It is just numb. I was hoping there would be a chance to restore some of the feeling back, hence the doctor’s visit.

Well, the news is what I expected, but not what I wanted to hear. Because I have such a major disk herniation, the nerve is ultimately dying. Once a nerve decides to stop working, it is permanent. Unless my body decides to heal itself somehow magically, I will have to live with loss of feeling the rest of my life.

I remember learning this through my science days. I know the nerves in the nervous system do not have the same reproductive abilities as say blood cells do. It has to do with the synapses and communication between the nerve endings. Like an electrical circuit, it can just short circuit and never work, and ultimately has to be replaced. Well you cannot replace your nerves, so I will just have to live with it.

I know that as frustrating and annoying loss of feeling really is, I could have so many other problems to live with. I am lucky it is only this. I mean, I don’t have Rheumatoid arthritis like my mother has to live, or a real illness. This is just inconvenient.

Anyway, what is done is done. There is no treatment, and it is irreversible. Oh well. I just hope that I stay in good enough shape the rest of my life to prevent it from getting worse. Just thought you should know.

Night!

HOME… Definitely Where the Heart Is!

(written Monday, May 23^rd)

So I am back on the EAST COAST!!! I cannot believe it has been 9 months! I have been waiting for this day to come. A chance to just clear my head, and relax being home. I cannot tell you how good this feels!

Winter is gone, but the weather is still ADD. I landed at 1:30am on Saturday. The country has been filled with rough storms, including record # of tornadoes, so I face a few delays. We made an emergency stop 100 miles away from my first destination because we were running out of fuel and could not wait in the air for the weather to clear up. Anyway, the weather at home has been chilly. Only a high of near 60, so I am back in my pants and sweaters for now. The sun has not shown in 3 days. Just cloudy rain clouds without the rain. I will take it because I really miss thunderstorms!! I hope to hear thunder while I am here.

My first day home was great. I spent time with my sister peppering the volleyball in the backyard (it’s our old pastime). We also had a good heart-to-heart chat about her upcoming year playing for Marquette Volleyball. I am so proud of her and all she has done! Stay with it, Casey!

After playing for a few hours, our brother and father joined in! Our dad likes to see how high he can hit the ball in the air, and he can hit the top of the trees!! The afternoon was just family time in the backyard until dinner. The five of us plus our grandmother went out to Outback Steakhouse for some good steak dinners. It was delicious!

I am so happy to see my grandmother. She means the world to me, and she is what coming home is all about. It was almost surreal knowing I was in Monterey just yesterday and now I am eating with my family in Jersey! Nuts!

Saturday was supposedly the day of Rapture…the end of the world. Although it was a crazy idea, there were some really dark clouds that formed over head just a few minutes before 6pm! If I was going to die, and least I was with my family! Luckily, no Rapture happened, but now it won’t until October, so who knows!

After dinner, we all went out to Red Mango for dessert. Delicious! Our night soon turned out to be movie night. We were all in our food comas, so we watched the commercial-free movie of PIRATES: At World’s End on tv. Then after that, we also watched Tangled. YAY Disney Family night! Corny as it sounds, it was an ideal night to have during the end of the world.

Sunday, yesterday, I said goodbye to Casey. I know she is going to do well this summer and season for school. After she was gone, we just relaxed! I saw my cousins for about 15 minutes as they stopped by, and I watched tv with my parents. At night, we had Taylor Pork Roll sandwiches!! This is by far one of the biggest things I miss!!! Delicious!

After dinner, I played Scrabble with my parents. I lost of course, but they will “always” be a lot smarter than me. :D It was a great game.

That takes us to today, Monday. I cleaned out my entire room! I went through all my clothes, junk, and papers. I am so proud of all everything I threw out. I know some charity will be really happy. It feels great to be in such a clean room and comfy bed once again.

There really is no substitute for sleeping in your own bed. It is just a priceless commodity that tells you everything is okay.

What a great first weekend home! Taylor pork roll, steak dinner, BAGELS, family games, seeing grandma and cousins, and no agenda!! Perfect!

I hope tomorrow is just as grand. Until then… night!

Northern California Travels

(written Friday, 5/20)

Hey Bloggers!

I just got back last night from a fast 2-day road trip up to Monterey! It was an amazing trip. I cannot believe how much of the state I saw within 48 hours. Time feels like a blur, and it definitely seems like we went through a week’s trip in just two days.

My boyfriend and I aimed to leave at 4:15, just 15 minutes after my Disney interview, to drive the 5 hour trip up to Monterey. We didn’t decide until 6:30pm whether or not we were still leaving, so we chose to leave in the AM.

We woke up at 4:30am, and left at 5:15 and headed north into and past the mountains of the Valley. I love road trips, but when we leave that early, I never stay awake. Surprisingly, I did for this trip. Just even driving 30 minutes outside of the valley takes you into amazing views along the desert hills.

For the first 2 or so hours, we drove from the 5-North through the hills into the San Fernando Valley, which is comprised of flat farmland and wineries. Driving through this part of California, although nice, is also boring, like driving through the flat stretch of Texas’ Panhandle.

Three hours, and several cookies later, we finally made it to a small town called Carmel-by-the-Sea. We got in around 10:15am, and checked into our hotel room. The hotel itself was the gorgeous regal red, 1900’s décor.

The first item of our agenda was, about 10 or 15 minutes north… Monterey. Of course we made it to the aquarium! We watched some fish feedings, looked at the Sea Horses and just enjoyed strolling around with no time limit, easily spending about 3 hours there.

We then strolled through downtown, Cannery Row, and eventually, to the wharfs where we had a really simple lunch at the Sandbar and Grill. This restaurant was located actually under the dock just above the water looking out onto all the boats. It was really nice and relaxing.

Once we walked the 2 mile trip back to the aquarium, we drove back to Carmel and got ready for our picnic at the beach. With a bottle of champagne and our camera, we headed to the beach and watched the last hour of the sunset. It was spectacular!

The sky was trying to decide if it wanted to rain or stay sunny. The clouds literally came off the water and turned grey just off shore and got darker as the clouds rolled into the mountains. It was really a beautiful sight. We would watch the clouds grow from wispy strings into thick and dark rain clouds.

After the sun set we walked back and around town for dinner. We never actually made it to dinner because we ended up talking and looking at the art gallery windows. This town was so quaint at night. It reminded me a lot of my neighboring home town, Summit. Instead, we found ourselves at the local bar around 10:15pm and we were later told the kitchen closed in ten minutes! A bar closing before 10:30? No way! That ended our night early, but then again we had almost a 24 hour day!

On Thursday, the next day, after a nice night’s rest, we got up and walked around Carmel some more. We walked through the touristy shops looking for a hoodie sweater, which ended up incomplete because they had small sizes only. Oh, how this world is not really meant for tall people!

As we walked around, we found ourselves stopping in about 3 different art galleries. Although they were neighboring stores, they all had completely different types of art for sale. The first was a gallery specifically dedicated to one artist who designed The Grammy Event posters. His pieces sell for over $400,000 a piece! We talked to the art gallery owner and he was from NJ, so we had a nice coversation about home and moved on to the next gallery.

Mary Titus’ art gallery is one of contemporary pieces that mix color in some abstract yet mystical way. I am not much of an art follower, but these were really nice. There was one piece the looked like an angel flying towards the moon. So pretty!

As we walked around, the gallery supervisor, Tony, talked to us about art. He was from Big Sur, the next stop we were going to visit after Carmel. Good thing we met with him because he told us a new way to get home since The PCH (Pacific Coast Highway) was closed at a certain point. His roads were the most amazing scenery… I’ll explain later.

After meeting Tony, we walked through a photo gallery with some Ansel Adams artwork. Some of his pieces were spectacular. No wonder they were selling for 40-75,000 dollars a shot!

Our last gallery we visited was of the artist, Boban Bursac. He was from Serbia and moved to the US some 25 years ago and never left. He was a nice older man with a thick accent, but loved to talk. He explained all of his pieces to us from their origination to the copy. My favorite portrait was of the back of a blonde girl in a fancy 1700s red dress. He had it splotted with beautifully painted spots and it looked like something from an old book. It was so gorgeous; I wanted it, but not at the price of 20 grand.

Finally, our time at Carmel had finished and we left to head towards Big Sur. Only about 20 minutes south on the 1 from Carmel, Big Sur is famous for its blue watered beaches. Rocky and surrounded by tough terrain, this small, hippy town is definitely a sight worth seeing.

We stopped and had a local beer at Nepthenthe, a famous bar visited by many celebrities over the years. The view was beautiful. Over looking the cliff, you could see the Blue Pacific, gold sun, and green mountains. Picturesque for sure.

Our next and final stop was the Big Sur library, but it was not much of a library at all. It was a little hole-in-the wall, wooden room with some books on sale. Suddenly, we were kicked out because the community was putting on a local fashion show. The theme: Back to the Future. The catch? Make the clothes out of anything BUT fabric. We didn’t stay for the show, but just looking at the décor was enough. Strange and eccentric.

So we headed our way back to LA. This time, we took the path Tony, from the gallery, had suggested. It was a tough and windy road that took you from the Coast up and over the mountains. We got so high we were actually above the clouds and couldn’t see the ground! The cloudy hills soon turned into magnificent forest land. About an hour later we were enough inland that we hit flat land.

This flat land was by far my favorite scenery! It was near the military base of Hunter-Liggett. The high prarie-like tan grass was seen for miles and miles. Massive, thick trees were spread throughout the land. It looked like what I assumed Africa to be on a safari. I was seriously expecting a lion to come out at some point! The land was so beautiful. I could look at it for hours.

Soon enough our roads connected to the highway we took up, so we were in familiar territory. A few short hours later, we were back in the Valley before 11pm. It was definitely a wirl-wind of a trip. It felt we had been gone for a week and seen so much, but we were gone for not even 48 hours!

It was a trip well spent! I hope to go back up there to see more of Northern California. I definitely like it much more than Southern Cal. It reminded me more of the East Coast with its greenery, windy roads, and community. I think my next trip will be near the San Fran and Napa Valley area.

Well… now I have to go pack because I leave for NJ in less than 12 hours!!!! HOME!!! Here I come. Until then… goodnight!

The Callback

(written Wed 5/18)

Well it seems this week has turned out to be quite different than last. Just when I thought I was going to relaxing before my big trip home, things got quite busy. I got called back for three interviews within 24 hours!

The first interview was a phone call with the company of the executive that called me a farm girl. I am not sure if they lost their marbles over there or what, but these conversations can get really bizarre. I was called around 8pm to talk with the production manager. He was really nice, but asked me questions like “What is your favorite color and why?” “What is your favorite number and why?” “What is your most embarrassing work moment?”

Why do these questions really matter? I have not really thought about the psychology behind some of my answers, but I guess it reveals part of your personality that may or may not mesh with your potential boss.

At the end of the 35 minute conversation, I felt good about it. Not sure if this is for me, especially since it is for a three month position. Although I know I could learn from it, the interview process has been outrageous, and I am not sure if that is an ideal work situation for me. What was even more strange was my interviewer told me, based on my previous interview, I was their favorite interviewee. Really? Not sure what to think of that. Thoughts?

The second interview was a call back for VH1 in their talent department. I never applied for this job. In fact, the HR recruiter took my resume from the other jobs I did apply for online, and brought it to the executive.

This second interview went really well. I was asked a series of questions about possible work scenarios that I may face and how I would handle them. If I get this position, and I am actually surprised on how interested I am in it, I would have to train my brain to not think in terms of Television but Music. Which also means, I need to think in terms of record labels and not agencies or production companies. This will take a while, but I know I can handle the job. I just never pursued working for Music Talent, so we will see what happens.

I think this is my best bet for a full time job at the moment. I am excited about it, but I do not want to jinx myself as I did with Disney Channel, so I am keeping low expectations.

The third interview was for a PA position for Disney Animation. They are working on a variety of upcoming projects from shorts to features. I really liked this interview, and what made it better, was the producer I am friends with saw my interviewing so he came over to “make an accidental appearance” and talk to the recruiter about needing a PA. Awesome, right?

I am now moving on to round two of that interview. I will do it via Skype on Monday while I am home. I am actually really excited about this interview. If I get the project I want to work on, my roommate could potentially become my boss. Strange!

I am keeping my fingers crossed. It really feels good to be heading home knowing I got called back for three potential jobs within 24 hours, even when just last week nothing happened. Yay Callbacks! I will let you know what happens….

Until then, Goodnight!

Just Another Day…

Alright, so I am now officially all caught up on my blog! YAY!! Big accomplishment for me. Man, remind me to never go that long again without posting! My hands would really appreciate it.

So we are now in the second week of May, and this has been one slow week for me. It is the first week in many months where I have not had ONE job interview. I know I am cooling it with my upcoming trip home, but I thought I would get maybe one. I have doing so well getting 3-5 a week, oh well.

I really wish I could tell you that aside from blogging this marathon of posts the last few days, I really have been doing nothing with my week. Each day has become just another day of unemployment boredom and lack of motivation.

It feels at times that I am just on an extended summer or spring break from school. Each day is starting to blend into the next. I do know today was my best friend’s birthday, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALLAN!

So what have I been doing with my time? Well, I am trying to get all of my desired side projects organized. I have about 6 or so different projects running through my head, it is hard to focus on just one. This week was this blog. This weekend, it will be writing my Children’s storybook idea. Then next week, it will be starting a series of interviews I hope to put in a collection to publish as a book someday. Who knows if it will work out, but the hope, intention and idea is there.

Other than that… I have been finding myself sliding into the habit of watching many hours of daytime television, and terrible television at that! I have watched everything from Oprah (sorry Princess Fergie for your struggles), the Nate Burkus Show (come decorate my future room, oh can I work for you?), Everybody Loves Raymond (all time favorite show, must watch), Maury and the Steve Wilkos Show (now that is crazy stuff there), Pregnant in Heels (interestingly addictive), and, of course, my guilty pleasures, Real World and 16 & Pregnant.

I love these shows, and I just cannot turn them off. My afternoons are interrupted by reality “junk” shows. Does it make me a horrible person for watching these shows, which profile other people’s crazy lives that are much worse than my own, and then I feel better about how great my life actually is? I will admit they do give me great perspective on where I am in life. Maybe that is the “reality” part of those programs, perhaps?

Then already feeling better about myself… I go to the gym where they continue to broadcast Bravo’s programming, and I aim to rock my gluts!

Oh well. There really is not much more to report. A slow week, which is like a vacation, before I go home… for vacation? Oh the life of the unemployed! 7 days till I am home!

Until then…

A New Idea

So it is the beginning of a new week, and I feel I have officially overcome my depression from last week. I feel like I am on an upswing, and becoming refocused on the upcoming next few weeks.

Home, home, home. I am going home in a week. 8 days to be exact! It cannot come soon enough. Mentally, I have been home for the last few weeks. My ambition to apply for jobs is minimal because I don’t want to schedule any interviews while I am away. I just need some good “home” time to refocus my head and become grounded again.

Although I plan on doing some deep thinking while I am home, that does not mean I can’t do some here. In fact, I had a small epiphany, if you want to call it that, today in the gym.

While running of the elliptical, I was questioning hard about what I need to do to stand out above other candidates for jobs. There must be another way I can help myself that I am not already doing. There is always room for improvement, but what is there to do that I have not already done?

The answer came to me as I need to market myself differently. I won’t tell you the exact specifics because I want them to remain confidential until I implement them, but just know I have come up with a plan/strategy to market myself better. I need to take advantage of the technologies that I have and market myself in a different light than I have in interviews.

It is a trial run for now, and it will take a few months to gather all I need. I hope by the end of the summer, I can have these new ambitions completed. Once they are, I will reveal them to you. Otherwise, I do not want to run the risk of someone else taking my idea, you understand that right?

I need to smarten up about what is in front of me and what else I have to offer aside from my current work experiences. I have been reading up on some bios of successful people, and I am starting to see a common thread of how they all started. I want to take that business idea and implement into my job search.

Here is to hoping, and, man, I have a lot of work to do. Wish me luck…

Goodnight!

Letters to My 35 Year Old Self

I think about my future a lot, as every person does. I worry about it, I stress about it, and most importantly, I dream about it.

Well, with life being as crazy as it is at times, I often question, as I did in the last post, what my future will look like. I do not want to know the answer, but I wish I knew if I turned out fine or if life was worth all the worry it is now.

People ask me in interviews, “Where do you see yourself in ten years?” It is an interesting topic to thing about, but what is even more interesting is what will the 35 year old version of me be like? Will I still look and act the same? Will I have it all? Will I have nothing?

Despite these questions, I think one of the most interesting questions to ask is “What would my 35 year old self say to me in present day?” What advice would you have given yourself when you were younger? Would you have told yourself to be more confient? Be more outgoing? Be more cautious? What advice would you have given yourself knowing how you turn out?

Personally, I think the 35 year old version of myself would say to present-day me: don’t worry so much, and relax to enjoy the journey. I think these are the hardest two concepts for me to attempt. As you know, I am a hardcore worrywart! It is engrained in me; I was born this way. I worry about every step I take, every career path I choose. I am afraid to make a mistake, and because I am like that… (That leads me to point Number 2. )

…I need to enjoy the journey. Because I do worry so much, and I plan the future way further than I have control, I cannot enjoy the moment. I need to embrace my youth and have the time of my life. I need to let go and just be present.

Of course that is much easier said than done. Fortunately, these are the two concepts I am learning through my boyfriend. He has been telling me to relax and stop worrying since I met him. We are opposites in many ways, but this is how an opposite becomes a strength. He has shown me how to chill and enjoy each day as if it were our last. Who knows what the future holds, so how can we plan for it? As far as making a mistake goes, he repeats his newly adopted life motto: there is no right or wrong. Just A or B.

This new perspective does holds a lot of insight. I think if I can see the world through those lenses, maybe I will be able to strengthen my greatest weaknesses – patience and remaining calm.

Think about it…What would your 10 year old, older self say to you in present day? OR, what would your current self say to your future-self 10 years from now?

Dear 35-Year-Old Ashley,

I hope that when I meet you, I am able to look back upon my youth and be proud of how I survived, and hopefully be surrounded by great accomplishments and stories to share with you. I hope to be a happy and strong woman. I may not be near any version of you yet, but I hope to make you proud. I hope we turn out alright.

Until then… see you in 10 years.

PS. Any tips on how to stop worrying?

What I Want in Life

(written May 9^th)

Hey Bloggers,

Thanks for continuing to read with me over the last few posts. I have so many issues and topics I want to talk about, I can’t believe I went 7 months without posting. This post is one that I have been thinking about a lot, and it really stems from my time over Easter.

I want to use this post to look towards my future. By struggling trying to find a job, I can’t help but wonder what is in store for me 20 years from now. Sometimes I feel like a real failure for being almost 2 years out of school with no job, no money, depending on my parents to help out with some of my bills, and being so far away from them.

Then again, I can see my life as heavenly blessed, and it really is. I have such an amazing family that supports my cause out here. I have strong friendships that carry me through tough issues. I have been able to make a life out here for myself pursuing my dream of becoming a top television producer. I am rich in quality people in my life, I have a loving boyfriend who has been there for the last 7 months, and I have had so many great working experiences. I know I am doing pretty well out here.

But seeing my life now, I can see great room for improvement. Personally, I want to be a better community servant. I want to find and fight for an important cause, I want to contribute to a church or volunteer at a hospital. I just know that my time to commit is not there yet. I need my own life settled first before I can help others.

Professionally – well no need to talk about it. We know what I want…

I want to live a good life. I want to work hard for my success, but what I eventually want is a good, big family and a loving husband in a strong and stable home. I want to be able to host parties with my close family and friends in my nice house. I want to share my family traditions with my kids. I want to share everything with others, even including making finger sandwiches for Easter brunch.

I want a life full of great surprises, accomplishments and travel. I hope to be a world traveler and live abroad. I hope to accomplish a lot from my “Life Goals Book” (yes, I made one for myself).

But with the rate life has been happening, or lack of happening depending on how you look at it, I sometimes question if this is ever going to happen. Right now, it seems like it will never come to pass, but I refuse to give up. I want to be able to provide a great life for my family through a successful career and smart investments.

I do not know what my path will be and how I will get there, but I really hope what I want for my future will happen. I know it is all in God’s timing, but I am not getting any younger! :D In fact, based on what society expects of where I should be 2 years out of school at 24 years old, I am not doing to well… darn economy.

Anyway, despite my long term goals being out 20 years from now, the most immediate goal I look forward to coming true is having my own room. I cannot tell you how badly I want to buy my dream bed with pillows, and design the room to make my room my own personal sanctuary. I look forward to being able to say that I provided that for myself. Just not yet…

I just have to keep my head up. As my Dad continues to say, “You’re time is coming.”

Until then… I will continue to work hard and dream about what I want from life.

Adolescent 20s?

(written May 8^th)

A few days have past since I lost my “job”, and I am feeling a lot better. I am nowhere near healed and upbeat, but I am starting to get out of my depressing state of mind. I am sorry to all who so that side of me, especially Chris and those at BJs.

I know I can only grow from this experience and become stronger. I told me family that being out here has really made me learn a lot about myself. In some cases, especially now, I feel like I am weaker than I originally thought. I thought I could handle being out here and thought I could break in the industry by now. However, the more I think about it, the more I realize that is the wrong way to thing about things.

Taking a step back from the situation, I can see that I am actually a lot stronger than I thought I was. I have been out here for over a year without work, and somehow able to survive. It may not be pretty being a host at a restaurant, but I have been able to make it work. I have stood up for myself in several occasions within the last week, and I can finally say I have developed that “thick skin” everyone talks about.

If there is anything I have learned this week, it is that I am no longer going to put up with crap! I don’t want to admit I am a pushover, but I do let others take advantage of me. NO MORE! This last week has triggered something inside me that is refusing to put up with more crap than I already have to being out here. I am now going to raise my opinions, say what’s on my mind, and really fight for everything. Something inside he has mentally changed.

I also want to address something that has come to my attention. Working last night, I explained myself to a new fellow host. Unfortunately for him, he has only seen me really stressed and a bit sad about life. I realized within the last two weeks, I have vented to him about things that are wrong in my life, and that needs to change! My very mentality needs to change. It is fine to be stressed and worried about life, but this unemployment stage of life has been dominating my psyche. I explained to him that I am not a depressed person by nature. I love life, and I have a passion for it. I am usually happy and upbeat. He just has not seen that because this has been a hard few weeks for me.

Realizing it now and looking back on my previous posts, it looks and feels like I am going through my adolescence again. Crazy mood swings, one minute I am on top of the world and the next I am digging my own grave. It feels like I am on more of an emotional rollercoaster than I was when I was 16. Therefore, I would like to call this phase of my life: My Adolescent 20s.

It seems that almost every post is about me complaining or about me worrying about the same thing over and over. As much as that is true, I want you to know that is not me at all. I am a very positive, enthusiastic person who has a great outlook on life. There is so much I want to do with my life, so having to wait for a job or some form of accomplishment to happen is really emotionally tough (as you all have read).

I think many people can relate to this. Everything is unstable in your 20s, and that is the part about school and growing up that society fails to teach you about. I feel like I was not prepared with the understanding of just how hard graduating in this economy was going to be. I never would have guessed that laying my foundation of being independent and starting my own life for myself was going to be this hard. Am I crazy to have thought it would have been easier (notice I did not say easy, but easier)?

Even just a generation ago, life was completely different for people my age. I just talked to my parents about this. Just 25 years ago, when they were both my age, they were already married, had their own apartment, and both had their careers started right out of school. It seems like that concept is so far out of this world today, but it was one generation ago! What’s happened, America?

Talking to a few of my friends in the past few days, I know that I am not the only one experiencing their Adolescent 20s. Many of us thought life would have been different for us than what it currently is. As disturbingly true as that is, it’s simultaneously, a comforting thought. It sucks that other people are in the same boat as me, but then again I am glad other people are there with me.

As one of my fellow BJs hosts said, “I cannot wait to look back at this stage of my life and know that I got through it somehow.” Well said. Well said.

So, fellow Bloggers, I am sorry for my depressing tone that dominates each entry. I want you to know that is not really me on the outside. You will just have to excuse and bear with me for the next few months (or possible years), until I grow out of my Adolescent 20s.

Until then… goodnight.

Shattered Glass

(written May 6^th)

Let me just say I am feel like a piece of glass on the verge of shattering into a thousand pieces. You know that feeling of tons of pressure on your chest that you can barely breathe? I feel like if I inhale even one more breath I will pop like an overinflated balloon. I am on the delicate edge from falling and I am drowning in my own sadness.

I can barely breathe as I write this, but I need to get this out… or what I can.

This week has just been the worst week emotionally for me. I want to cry it out, but I just can’t. I feel like if I cry and breakdown, this negative world wins.

“What’s happened?” you ask. In short, it’s a mixture of everything, but the cherry on top is I got rejected from my dream job today. The one position I fought to interview for and I thought I had. I got a hint of that possibility yesterday when HR called me and said they may offer it someone else, but they were not sure. I refused to believe it. I continued to go on another interview with Nickelodeon, but my emotions and bubbly personality were really not there. All I want is to go home.

I went to the gym yesterday and ran. I ran for an hour nonstop, which I never do. I was running everything, every emotion, every experience, out. I listened to Evanescence (great angry music btw), and it was in that moment. My friend, Lauren, showed up and I could barely hold it together. I just felt like I was about to shatter. I mentioned going home for a second, and even the thought of that got me teary-eyed.

Then today, I just wasn’t having it. It was hard to wake up because I didn’t want to face the potential bad news. I went on another interview, which like all others, seems to go well, but I emotionally just was not there. I bought my ticket to go home last week, and right now that is the only place I want to be.

After the interview, I got the official word from my dream job executive, and he said they offered it to another person. I asked why I didn’t get it, and they said they really liked me and I did nothing wrong. Of course, those are the words a broken heart really does not want to hear after the news is out.

An hour later, my good friend, Chris, came to hang out with me, and we went to the DMV. In the car, I could barely speak because I was so upset with losing this job. That job represented everything for which I had moved out here, and I really thought I had it. The fact that I got rejected from over 5 jobs this week alone and now this one, plus being really homesick, missing Easter, and just being in a depressed state of mind… I can’t hold it all in anymore.

“I AM MAD AS HELL AND I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!” SERIOUSLY!

When I got to the DMV, the clerk was a real jerk. I couldn’t concentrate on getting my license plates because I was mentally checked out. He told me I owed him more money for the value of the car or something like that and … I just lost it. I started crying in front of the guy.

Chris came over and helped me, but I could not stop crying in front of both of them. Chris took me out to ice cream, but even during the ride I was crying. I just can’t breathe.

Even as I write this, I still get teary eyed. I feel like my heart has shattered into thousands of pieces. I feel like I am letting my family down once again. This trip home cannot come soon enough.

To make matters even better, I have to work BJs tonight. I am not in a state of mind at all to be in front of people. I just want to sit in. My emotions are gone, and mentally I am home in NJ. Just two more weeks… God get me there faster.

Right now, I am just in a spiral of depression and disappointment. What more do I need to do to get in?! Why am I sacrificing being away from my friends and family?! Is this all worth it? I just keep praying that I will be guided in the right direction. Today it feels like… feels like nothing. I cannot feel anymore.

I am going to go because if I write anymore I am going to breakdown and shatter.

Dear Home- you could not feel further away from me right now in time and distance.

This will take some time to get over… until then. Bye.

P.S. Sorry Mom and Dad for crying over the phone to tell you the news. I will make you proud one day.

The Strangest Interview

(written on May 4^th)

Okay, so I just need to write about this interview I had today; I am not quite sure how I feel about it. It caused a spiral web of thoughts and emotions and nothing at the same time. It was just… strange.

I was called in to interview for this marketing/broadcast television company in the Valley. I did not know much more than that going into the interview. Once I got there, I met with the CEO of the company and he was just full of energy and got right to the point.

“Jersey, huh?” he asked (he was from PA originally). “I use these interviews to get down to a deep level. I am going to ask you tough questions and I expect you to do the same.”

I was chosen out of 650+ applicants to be one of the four to interview for the position. I guess that is an achievement in itself. Anyway, the questions came and went. He was asking me about my experiences, why I have not been able to land a job in a year, etc.; questions I hate getting asked.

Halfway through the interview he got serious. He mentioned how my resume and cover letter were excellent.

“On paper, you are very driven, forward and strong.” He said my resume was the best he has seen in a long time. “However, I am not getting that in person. There is a huge disconnect between what I see on paper and how I see you in person. You look like you are from the Midwest… “ (I have never even been in the Midwest) At this point, I knew things were going to get interesting, and I was slightly irritated.

“I am going to be rude now.”

“Go for it,” I said.

“You literally look like you are a farm girl from small town Mid-West Ohio who thought she’d move and try to make it in the big city, and frankly, I don’t think you can do it. What do you have to say to that?”

Really!? In my mind, I was about to go off. Does he know who he was dealing with? I have gone through so many interviews the past few months and I am tired of putting up with crap. So what did I do? I went off…. In a professional manner of course.

“First, thank you for pointing that out. BUT…What part of me screams “farm girl? To you. Yes, I am tall and blonde and nice-mannered, but I believe that one can be a morally good person and not lose themselves in order to make it in this industry. I refuse to become the antithesis of who I want to work for. I do not believe I need to become jaded, and I am sick of having people doubt me for my niceness. Nice does not mean incapable! Secondly, I have grown up outside Manhattan, went to school in Boston and moved to LA. How does that equate to farm girl? Thirdly, what have I done to you in the last ten minutes that gave you reasoning to believe I cannot do this? I am a goal-oriented person, and I go after what I want when I want. My resume and cover letter is my voice me in “business” tone. Why does being a blonde girl or nice girl mean I cannot handle this?! I get along with most anyone; I just need to know how you work so we don’t collide in conflict. I assure you, a nice “farm girl” can handle it!”

That was the jist. I just refuse to put of with people telling me “no” and not believing in me. I know I can do this. If anything, I would think people would want to hire a nice person so it represents their business in a good light. Perhaps I am wrong?

It was my time to grill him in return for all he was worth, so I asked him really tough questions just to try and get back at him with no fear. “Are you happy?” “Why do you not already have an assistant if you have needed one for so long?” “Did you accomplish all you wanted in your career?” “What are your faults as an executive that I would need to cover in order for you to get through the day?” etc…

After the interview was over, he told me I make a really great interview. Really? I am still unsure if that means we ended it on good terms or if it was awkward.

I called my mom shortly after because I was so confused about mentally. Is this the reason why I have not been hired? Because I look nice? I refuse to believe this! But this interview does raise to light a possible explanation for why I have not gotten a job. I have told a few others the story, and got reactions saying, “That guy is an idiot.” I hope they are right. I do not take it personally, but he may have a point that is worth considering: maybe there is a disconnect between my strength on paper and myself in person. It is something I need to be more aware of each time I meet with someone. I believe I represent myself well in interviews, being all bubbly, enthusiastic and professional.

This interview was just such a strange experience, I really do not know what else to say. It did however leave me feeling I need to stand up for myself more and tell potential employers that I may be nice, but that does not mean I am incapable. In fact, I wrote and email to the executives for the dream job I wanted about the situation. It was a forward email, but I feel I need to be more aggressive and really say how I feel about the situation.

I just wanted to share this crazy LA experience #357 with you all. The email I wrote is posted below. Feel free to read it if you want. Thanks for letting me blow off some steam. I cannot wait to prove this man wrong! Guess I won’t be getting the job.

Until the next job interview… hopefully tomorrow will be better.

EMAIL:

Hi _______,

Hope you don't mind me emailing you again, but I wanted to let you know that I am still here and highly interested in the assistant position. I know no decision has been made yet, and may not be for a while, but I wanted to give you an update from my end with a strange event that happened today.

I had an interview with a company for an assistant to three execs. The one exec I met was very forward and pushed some tough questions… The interview was very intense… but it made me realize a few things, and this is why I tell you this story. I wanted to let you know that I am aware how I come across in person: polite, energetic, nice, etc. But I wanted to take this chance and say please do not underestimate my politeness as a reason for why I cannot do my job. I am a firm believer that business, no matter how cutthroat, can be done in a civilized and genuine manner. I do not believe you have to be jaded to make it in this industry, and I know you are an excellent example of this. Nice does not equal incapable.

I would not normally email this type of message to you, but at this point, I have nothing to lose. You know I want to be a part of your team, and I am unsure of how your decision will sway, and that is out of my hands, but regardless, I just wanted to chance to tell you to please understand that me being polite in business does not infringe on my capability of my performance. I hope you do not mind me being forward with you on this, but it has become a hot topic for me over the last year.

Anyway, I hope you are all doing well…I look forward to talking to you soon!

Ashley

Osama's Death - My Take

We all know Osama is gone, and I must say, "Good riddance!" It was about time we found him and we caught him.

Writing about this makes me a little uneasy because I know the reaction to Osama's death has been very mixed. NYC and DC celebrated with cheers when the news broke out, and if I were back East when the news broke out, I would have gone to ground zero to be a part of the moment. However, being out here in LA, it seems that society has granted a different type of feeling, rather one of indifference.

It seemed that with the news of Osama, not many people out here cared. In fact, with a few of the other blogs I follow and a few people I talked with, it seemed people were sad we were celebrating the death of one man. I understand that point, but I guess I feel a lot stronger about his death than most people would because of how close we were to the actual event.

I don't talk about it much, and I still hate seeing footage of 9/11, but I still can get a bit emotional about the events of that day. I have supported to war effort in the Middle East because I knew we would not be safe otherwise, and plus, I wanted the man, who caused such a horrific accident and altered the world in which I live, gone. He hurt my friends, their families, and killed people in my town. How can I not take it personally?

It's not that I want revenge, because one man is never going to make up for the 3,000 lives lost on that tragic day that is forever seared into my memory. I just want the threat gone. Osama was our generation's Hitler, and he needed to be stopped. The war is far from over, but the leader is gone.

I had ice cream with two of my BU friends the other night because we all felt the same about Osama's death. It felt like no one out here cared. To prove that point, here are a few instances I personally witnessed. The news was on at work during the day. It seemed I was the only one informed or aware of the details of how the operation went down. When I asked others about it, they had nothing but an appeasing "umhmm" reply.

At work, I wanted to watch the news, but unfortunately a few guests complained that they wanted the Lakers game or Ducks game on instead, so within 30 seconds, the National headlines was gone and the sports were full screen. Sports overtook the biggest national news we have had in nearly a decade. Ugh!

Secondly, another instance that frustrated me was while hosting, some actor that I did not recognize entered the bar area. he was from One Tree Hill or something. I was in the middle of a conversation when he sat, and I lost the focus with the person I was talking too. I turn the corner and I see all 7 girl waitresses staring at him from that back of the restaurant all huddled together talking about whether he will notice them or not. Would no one talk to me about it? He is the murderer of my friend's family, my neighbors! It seemed they could care less. It frustrates me that people out here really cannot hold a good conversation other than what's happening in the industry out here.

The three of us discussed this issue because it really bothered us on how there was such a lack of response from LAers about Osama. Maybe because we were so close to the events, and Calfiornians really have no concept of the events of 9/11, but it is still disturbing how news of a world-wide massive murderer can go unchecked.

I hope that is not the future for our world. I hope by Osama being gone that the world's future is altered for the better.

Sorry is this is really strong, but I had to relay how I felt about it. Osama is gone, as are he lives he took, but I will never forget. Good job, President Obama, on executing such a top operation with no American casualties. I just hope the rest of the country cares as much as I.

What's Your Heritage?

"What's your heritage?"

This is the question I get asked about three or four times a week, no joke. It has become one of my FAQs about myself whenever I go on interviews, meet with executives, or walk customers to their tables at BJs.

I am not to sure why it really matters, but I can't help but wonder why it is so important out here? It is not that random of a question, but it is how frequent I get asked that makes it an interesting topic.

I am very aware of how I look. Tall, natural blonde hair, fair skin, blue eyes, blonde eyelashes and eyebrows, etc. I know that being natural blonde is part of a minority in this country, but I figured in California of all places, I would fit right in. If anything, I have always thought I looked the part of a California girl. Guess not.

"Are you Scandinavian?" "Are you Norwegian?" "You look like a Viking." These are just some of the weekly comments I get. Even when I was interning this winter, I was given the name, "Viking Girl" because I stood out from all the others with my "fairness". What I find funny is that I am not even connected to those cultures as my am ancestry. I German and English with a tiny bit of Scottish. I have the typical Western European features - small and round -as opposed to the fierce, stronger Eastern European features.

Now don't get me wrong; I am not complaining. I just find it interesting that my heritage matters a lot to people out here. The only way I can justify it is that LA is a city that basis a lot on looks. It is how you look that people remember you, talk to you, or in some cases, even hire you.

I love how I look, and I am proud of my heritage. I just thought this was an interesting topic to bring up since it it frequently comes up during my week out here. Thought I would share it.

Home: Becoming CA but Missing NJ

(written at the end of April 2011)

One big change that has been happening within the last few weeks has been the conversion of my residency from NJ to California. It has been a year, and according to CA state law, one needs to convert license and registration within the first month of being in California. I have tried to resist it for so long because I honestly did not know if I would be here. I continue to apply to jobs throughout the country, so I never know if I will end up back in NYC or if I am out here for some time.

Well, it seems that doesn't even matter anymore, for it is official. I am now a California resident. I thought this would be a moment I would really cherish, but I am torn on the issue, and frankly, I am not sure I event want to be one.

I am really missing home, and it has been seven months since I have been back. I am just dying to get home and see my family. I would do anything to hug my mom and dad, and of course, my grandmother right now. I feel like my strength and endurance out here is dwindling, and I just need to recharge my batteries.

Luckily, I did just buy my flight home today!! I will officially be back in Jersey May 20th-June 4th. Buying the ticket was a crazy ordeal for me because I bought the ticket originally on the 19th, so I could be with my sister for an extra day before she leaves back for college. As soon as I bought it and was about to right it in my agenda, I saw it was my boyfriend's birthday!! I felt like the worst girlfriend ever!! What were the chances? I literally didn't think about the date, and so I had to immediately switch it so I will be here on the 19th. At least I will be with my sister for one whole day.

The more I think about being home, the more emotional I get. I guess that is why switching my driver's license is hard for me. I feel like I am letting go of my roots, and I guess that is growing up, but I am not sure I am ready to do that. I do not feel like CA is "home" yet, so to let go of the physical proof I belong in Jersey makes me feel like I am in a weird transition or limbo, if you will.

I know I am reading way too far into the symbolic side of the driver's license, but I wish I knew I had a reason to stay out here. I want to go home, and I want to have a home that I build for myself. I just cannot see myself staying in LA that long for it to be considered home, or where my heart is.

Home... you couldn't be any further away in distance, but you are so close in time! "I cannot wait to be home in Jersey", said the new CA resident.

Until then... goodnight.

Am I April's Fool?

So we are now almost caught up, yay! Even though April was only about two weeks ago, the month seemed to have gone by in a flash, and yet it seems there is not much to really report on it.

Basically, the job search has full steam ahead, but yielding no permanent results. I have not had a job since the promotions department over a month ago. I am making my living, if you call it that, really just rent money, via my hosting gig at BJs. I make about 400-500 bucks a month, so I have to come up with the extra cash through other gigs. Somehow I have been able to pull it off 12 of the 13 months I have now been out here.

However, I am not sure I can handle life in the restaurant business much longer. I really like the people I work with, but it's the job itself and the people I have to deal with that make it miserable. Do I really want to be 24 years old and cleaning the women's bathroom with my hands? Nope. Do I want to be almost two years out of college to be cleaning menus? No way. I have been getting an itch this month, and it is getting harder to ignore it - an itch for change.

I am getting really antsy being in the apartment, doing the same job search everyday. Although I am unemployed, I am anything but bored. Because I am so organized in my job search, I get about 3-5 interviews a week with about 2 or so "meet and greets" a week as well. On top of that I go to the gym two hours each day. I am always running around despite being unemployed.

The job interviews go really well, and I honestly think I get close to getting it, and then I find out, of course, I didn't. I got over four job rejections in one day about three weeks ago, and it hurt.

My daily job search includes: applying to 3 jobs, reaching out to two contacts (1 new and 1 old) in the industry, check for new job postings on at least 3 career websites a day, update contacts via email and keep track of correspondence in my database. All this work can consume easily 3-8 hours depending on the day.

Finding a job has become my job. I easily dedicate over 40 hours a week to trying to hustle and make connections. For example, one day last week consisted of 2 hours at the gym, go to an interview, drive straight to a meet and greet with a top producer, and then had to drive to BJs for work.

Since March, I would say I have been on maybe 20 interviews, and it seems I still come second. I am even starting to look for jobs that are out of my comfort zone, like a payroll position for a management company (what?). The days are starting to blend in with one another. I am forgetting the dates, days, and time. The monotony is great for someone who likes to be on my own schedule, but it is so hard to stay focused and remain undiscouraged. I do feel like a breakdown will be coming soon.

I did apply for a dream job with Disney Channel in mid April, so we will see how that goes. I pray really hard that this will come through, because it seems to be everything I have been waiting for to start my career. The interview went really well and I really liked the executives. We will see.

I am lucky about the job search going well and actually getting interviews, but I am ready for the job! I need it to come soon. I thought for sure I would have it by now, but I need to take it one day at a time. I am starting to come up with some side projects, so I will start those soon, I guess.

I will try to pursue more PA work. The Trisuit event happened this month that I mentioned a few posts ago. At least some work is coming though. I just hope my network will work for me soon.

Another interesting point I wanted to raise was the fact that it occured to me I may be beyond an entry level position. Technically, I have been working for a year, but in different facets of the industry, and just not as regular as I would like. My skills are now above an entry level position, and I actually have been getting some interviews for Coordinator roles. It would be nice to get one of those and skip the assistant, but not sure. It is a bit confusing because I still need to get my first real job, but at the same time, I may be over qualified? Strange isn't it.

And the last point I wanted to raise about the job search this month was that I decided to subscribe to one recruiting website. Media-Match.com has actually gotten me two interviews, but I just had to pay for their application services. I think it is so unfair that I have to pay in order to apply for a job! Applying for a job is an American right! I have no money to offer, but in order to get to the good positions, I have to pay to apply. Am I a fool for paying for these sites? Or am I am fool not too? Although I found a good deal, and it yielded 2 interviews, I still feel completely opposed to paying to job opportunities. It is so wrong!

Sorry... tangent... sore subject.

Overall, April has been really uneventful. Just job application followed by interview followed by rejection. At least I have Bjs for now... California did just pass a new law saying that I have to pay to take a mandatory restaurant safety course in order to work in a restaurant. I am hoping to get hired by the June 1st due date for that course, because I have NO MONEY! I cannot possibly afford the $100 dollars for the course. That is ridiculous.

I will have to try to find another path. I will continue to wait on that dream job to come through. I really feel like this could be it for me! I just keep praying it will happen. I have had three interviews for it. That's good, right?!

Okay... i'll stop obsessing. I have three or four other interviews I am waiting to hear back on, so maybe those will come through as well. One is for VH1 Talent. I never thought of actually pursuing that as a career path, but I am surprisingly interested in it. Cross fingers!

Until then... April has come and gone... and left is a fool still without a job. Change come now!!!