A Look Back: A Year in Retrospect

So I just realized today is my One Year Anniversary from when I graduated from Boston University. I cannot believe how fast this day has come. I mean, it was slow when I lived it day by day, but it does not feel I have come to this monumental point quite yet. I always thought this day would be filled with happiness or accomplishment, but I am actaully surprised at my reaction. I am perplexed and indifferent.

I have been dreading this moment for quite sometime within the last few months because it marks one of unachieved goals. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot that I am happy for: a healthy family, strong friendships, moving out west to pursue my career, finding some work... list goes on.

However, I cannot help and also look at what I have failed to accomplish during this time. I remember a talk I had with a great friend of mine in FL who graduated a year before I did. When he hit his year anniversary last year, he was in a similar boat and we analyzed his life, where he was, and where he thought he would be. He found some of what he was looking for, but I remember thinking I would have accomplished more when my year anniversary comes around. Wrong! I am far from it. Let me explain...

A little over a year ago, I was completing my 6th internship, and applying for as many jobs as possible. I have been whole-heartedly applying for full time positions since February 2009. By the time graduation came around, I still had nada. I had several promising leads that I would have to wait out for till the end of the summer. So I did. I moved to Orlando, and made money to support my future move wherever the job came from. August came and went, and the leads I had fell through. I was devastated! Since then, I have been feeling the pressure to get started with my career.

At this time last year, I knew I didn't have a job, but I was exploring all my possibilities. I was actually relieved I was not hired out of college. Ideally, if God would grant it, I wanted a year off as my "gap year" between school and work. I wanted to travel! So I was exploring working on a cruise line for 6 months with a friend, and I also dedicated myself to work abroad as an intern. I had a lead to work in London in the Fall on the Harry Potter set, but that also fell through.

Let's just say. This has been a year of a lot of rejection. I promised myself a year ago, I would travel in the spring of 2010. I thought I would go on a month trip through Europe and see all of the places I have wanted to see for so long. Well that quickly went out the door because I knew I would not be able to move out if I traveled. I have postponed my dream of living abroad for a while, and that was really hard to admit, and a blow to my pride.

While this was happening, I was in Orlando working at Walt Disney World, and that soon became harder for me too. I was forced out of my work area of 3 years in July for BS reasons and poor management, moved to the water park, boat marina, and I felt I was losing my potential as a person. As a driven and ambitious person, I could not take the feeling of being unproductive anymore. Then in December, my grandfather, who lives down the street from me, passed away. That devastated me, and it forced me to move back home to NJ.

I stayed there for three months feeling like I failed, and I had to get out So I bought my ticket and made the move. The move has not been unbearable, but it has had its challenges and definite ups and downs.

I did not ask to graduate in the WORST economy ever, that just happened. On top of having some personal losses, I have also had a very challenging year in my faith. I have been shakin' and stirred in what feels like a tornado sometimes.

Now over 250 job applications later (no joke), and 4 written and re-written resumes, I still find myself in the same position: unemployed. I look back at the year, and I am sad to know that I did not do the traveling I wanted, I did not really accomplish my basic goals. I thought I would be a year into being an assistant at a production company or a television show, havig found my social scene, and really enjoying the greatness of life. I have however, had my "gap year", but not by choice.

Now that the next year of graduates are entering the work force, I have more competition. I feel that I am starting with the same circumstances as they. I did not think this was where I was going to be a year later. In ways, I feel really behind, in others I don't. I know my career is a marathon, not a sprint, but I just want to get started already, and I feel time and pressure ticking.

Yes, I have only been out here for 2 months yesterday, and it takes 3 months to find on average your fist job, but it has been ONE YEAR! Out of all of this, my greatest lession is learning patience. I am also learning a new definition of faith, as I have done the ins and outs of soul searching. Maybe that was how I will define this year: complete Soul Searching.

Anyway, I am here. I am alive. I have graduated, and I have moved to LA. That is where I am and I will deal with those circumstances. I look forward to this next year, but if I have learned anything, that is: I have no idea where I will end up. I just hope it's up!

Back to Interning

Hey Blog Readers!

Just wanted to say "Hi" and "Thank You" for reading! I am trying my best to keep you informed with everything that is happening out west. So here is my latest update.

I had an interview last week with a production company on the Disney lot for a possible internship. I was contacted from one of the assistants who got my information from a contact I met with 3 weeks ago. He needed a new intern for however long I want.

The interview went well, and funny enough, my contact saw me waiting in the hallway just before the meeting. It's funny how I keep seeing him throughout the lot, but that is a good thing I guess. Anyway, during the interview, I told the assistant I could intern as long as he understood I was temping, looking for a job, and would need a flexible schedule. He agreed to it, and I was offered the position.

I am not sure if interning is a step down, but I refuse to look at it this way. I am now interning for a top production company that has a first look deal with Disney. That means, if the company finds a great script to make into a movie/show, they are obligated to pitch it to Disney first. If Disney passes, then the company can go to any network or film producer they want. So this top "first-look" production company is small, but a well respected internship. Many people get hired just because they interned here and can handle anything.

Not sure when my days are yet, but I hope to do 2 days a week. The hours are 8-7pm, and it is unpaid. I do get a 10 dollar stipend for lunch, and 50 cents to each gallon spent on errands. This internship is mainly development, so I will be doing script coverage, package errands, lunch orders, typical intern work.

Today was really slow, but I am not complaining. Some days will be really stressful, and some won't. This office is just the LA branch as the headquarters are in New York. Funny enough, I applied for some jobs in the NYC office, who knew I would be in the LA one? Ironic.

It is so quiet and laid back here. Jeans and a T-shirt, kitchen stocked with food, in the middle of the lot. At least I get to stay on the lot! It is located in the Old Animation Building where Walt originally had his artists stationed when he bought this lot in the 1940s after the success of Snow White. For a brief history of the lot, click this link. There are a lot of legends that have walked these halls, including Walt and Roy themselves! It gets me so excited to think about it. The halls are carpeted with creaky floors; almost like a Northeastern Doctor's office. On the walls are old portraits, drawings, and framed pictures of the early part of the company, including its old animation of the Evil Queen. The animators have now moved across the street obviously, and this building now hosts various contractual production companies.

So there you have it. I am now interning once again (7 internships?! Really), but I think only good can come from it. Everyone seems nice, it keeps me on the lot, allows me to meet new contacts and keep a flexible schedule around the temping. So we will see where it goes. I think I will stay here till the end of the summer or until I get a job, whatever comes first (hopefully the job). Until then... I am back to interning! Anyone want me to pick up some coffee?

Finding My Niche?

So this weekend (5/15-5/16), I felt as if I may be finding LA to be a little bit more comfortable. Is it that I am slowly adjusting? Perhaps, but I would like to think of it as, I am closer to finding my niche.

First, Thursday and Friday afternoon, I went to the tapings of the new Disney XD show premiering in September, Pair of Kings, and Suite Life on Deck respectively. I must say, I really loved seeing these shows come together. I was just an audience member, but I got the tickets through a contact. It made me think more about pursuing a career in Television on an actual show/set. I watched the interaction of the actors and the crew between and during takes, and I felt the urge of "that's where I want to be." I want to be involved in a team environment with a specific role. The live action was great. I think I want to pursue live action over animation, but that does not mean I like animation any less.

The crews, although both really different for each show, both worked well together, and you can tell they love their jobs. Pair of Kings was actually really funny, and I think that will do well. I understand these shows are for kids, but adults were in the audience too, and all enjoyed it. That's what I want to be a part of, an industry that brings the family together, even if just for a moment. It unites us. Okay, sorry for the corniness, but I am happy to be finding a new direction for me.

What I want is tangible and definitely do able, but I just have to find out how. I want to make it a goal within the next two weeks to find a contact within these shows and meet with them. I would love to be a PA (prod. assistant) if they are hiring. I should take advantage of the fact it is pilot season in the industry, meaning they are assembling crew this summer to film the series, so they should be looking for new hires. I have been so focused on film at disney, I now need to brach out and fast. I hope something will come of that. I just love the fact I have found a possible new direction.

Then on both Saturday and Sunday, I played beach volleyball. I am trying hard to find a team/league to play on. I found some people who just like to play for the heck of it on Saturday afternoons. It is fun, but I am looking for something more. When I am there, I cannot deny how good it feels to be on the beach court again.

Sunday happened yesterday, and it was a lot better than Saturday. Despite gloomy beach weather this weekend, Santa Monica was still perfect. I found a team from an online site saying they were more competitive, which they were, but still filled with beginners. I thought because I am new to the Beach Vball world, I would not be that good, but from them, I was still one of their top players. I did play a 2v2 game, and that was the best! It was soooo hard because I was not used to it, and man is it a workout!! Now I see why those women are so buff! At the end of the afternoon, the better half of the players stayed and played and intense 4v4. It felt so good to finally get some great rallies and plays!

I cannot help but want to compete. Volleyball has never been a recreational activity for me, it has defined my identity as an athlete, and always been a serious competition. I played in high school and college to win. So to switch the competitive side off, it is not possible. Recreational league is hard to sit and take when I want to win and everyone else goofs off.

This makes me realize, I want to compete. I want to be in tournaments with a partner and strive to win. I can sign up for the CBVA, California Beach Volleyball Association, but I need a partner. I hope to find one soon. Any idea on how to get one? I'm open for suggestions. I will wait for my sister, but that will take 4 or 5 years. ugh. Come on, Casey!

So now I know I want to be an athlete again as a serious hobby, I see that I may be starting to find my niche. Even-though I have not found the people I want to be near, that will come once I dedicate myself to the activity. One of my favorite parts of yesterday was looking around the beach court, seeing the palm trees, good looking people all around on the courts, bike riding, and roller-skating. It was a very big, "pinch me" moment, because I was actually playing hard on my sport, outside, with people, in Santa Monica! Now, that is awesome! That could be my life, or is it already? I think I found one big aspect I love about living in LA.

With 2 show tapings, and 7 hours of volleyball later, I am feeling my guard coming down little by little, adjusting a tiny bit more each day, and finding what I really want to pursue with intent. I hope I find it, but I think I am slowly finding my niche.

Family Reassurance... I am Actually Ok.

(written for the week May 14th)

Has it really been over a week since my last post? Time just seems to go by so fast sometimes, even when there are times where I feel it goes sooo slow. Funny thing, time.

Well, I am back, and I would like to say I have a lot going on, but unfortunately, I do not. I did not have a temporary assignment this past week, and I ended my animation studios assignment last Friday. It was a great day to end on also.

It was the rededication ceremony for the Animation Building. They were changing it to the "Roy E. Disney Animation" building. I was able to attend the meeting where Bob Iger spoke, as well as successful producer Don Hahn, and Roy Disney's son. All of Walt's remaining family was also present along side with 320 D23 winners to attend the event. Music played, talking about Roy's legacy, and then Mickey came out to the Fantasmic theme to unveil the new building name. I have some pitcures on my other blog, Fair Vanity. It was a great event that solidified another reason why I love to work here, despite it being my last day, yet again. I really liked working in the department I was in this past week and a half, but it wasn't overwhelming to the point where I said, "I want to be here." I am still keeping my options open.

Anyway, to this past week since then was not one about work, but one about family. I was in between temping jobs, but the timing worked out great because my paternal grandmother was in town. I stayed with her and my aunt, uncle and cousins for most of the week to be with them. I don't get to see my grandmother that much, and she only comes out here every 3-4 years, so this was a great treat. I wanted to show her my current living situation and work life.

She came in on Sunday, Mother's Day, and we just hung out, had a family dinner, and planned our next few days. I called my mom to make sure she felt appreciated. My aunt got U2 tickets! That was a great gift.

Monday, I took my aunt and my grandmother to Disneyland. It is great getting in for free! My grandmother hadn't been there for 20 years, and my aunt about 5, despite living so close. It was fun, but they liked the slower rides, so I had to resist the TOT and Splash. We only stayed for half the day though, but it was all we needed. There were few crowds and only about 10-15 min waits. So by 3pm, we were basically all done with Disneyland. It was great to go on Jungle Cruise, Pirates, Haunted Mansion, Small World, and the Matterhorn with them. We took only one picture the whole time, but it was a good one. (also see my Fair Vanity for that). I will remember that for a long time.

Tuesday, I took both of them to my area: Burbank. I drove them to my apartment and showed them around. Then we went on the lot for lunch in the ABC commissary. It was the first time my aunt had been in a corporate setting, so this was a new experience for her. After lunch, I took them around the lot and told them some trivia based on what little I really know. I walked them by the stages, the Disney Legacy handprint section, and then headed over to Animation. In there, I met with my roommate and we gave them the tour of the building. They saw everything from the process of the Winnie The Pooh movie, some of Tangled, and some of the cool perks (i.e. cereal bar). They also saw a sequence in the making for WTP, and it was an eye opening experience for them. They looked like they discovered hidden treasure; they were so happy.

I had to leave Wednesday for a meeting, but we enjoyed our last 24 hours together. My grandmother explained to me how proud she was of me. She had no idea what this industry was like, and the type of people that work in it. It was so nice to hear her understand where I have been coming from for the longest time. It made sense.

I must say too, that hearing her reaction to everything, was definitely needed. I have always been my toughest critic. I am so hard on myself and I have no idea why. So when I look at my life here now, I say, "It's okay, but I don't have a job, not sure I want to live here forever...", but seeing it through my grandmother, it made me appreciate what I have.

She was right, I have a lot to be proud of myself for. I am in the world that I have wanted to be in, I am in the company I want to work for, I know people (more than I thought), and it will just take time. I really need a good dose of patience. I am so antsy, but like gma said, I am doing alright. I looked at what I have done in so little time, and yes, I am proud of myself! People recognized me in almost every hallway it felt, I knew my way around town, I have a great place to live with a great roommate. Those are all valid points, but they get lost once I am on my "antsy" train of thought.

Another reason why I know I am doing okay, is because I am never still. I am always busy! I have meet with somebody every single day for the last three weeks, and this week is the first time I have had a "lapse in employment" since I started. People tell me I am doing the right thing, and something will come. I just need to be more Patience.

So after such a rewarding trip with my grandmother, when I returned to my apartment, and I found my first package! I got a package from my mother. Perfect timing. It had some small surprises, clothes, volleyball stuff, but most of all, it had a short note saying I am doing a good job.

So with that, I realize I need to slow down for a second and reflect. I will continue to pray for patience, but I really needed this week to re-evaluate where I am in life. With my recent family reassurance and support, I now see what I have accomplished in 6-7 weeks, and yes, for the first time I can say, yes, I am okay. That is true reassurance, and a sigh of relief. Praise be to God.

Apologies for the Length

Hello Blog Readers,

I am not sure how many there are of you (I think only two), but I wanted to reach out and apologize. I went through a lot of writing this week to catch you up on everything, and it was a lot. I did not mean to drag my thoughts on and on and for your poor eyes to get blurry while reading the screen. It actually became a bit therapeutic for me to just get everything out, but I had no intentions of harming your physical and mental health in the process.

I wanted to apologize for the length of my last few entries. I treat this blog as a diary of reflective thoughts during this strange moment in my life. I figured, if someone could relate to me, then it would all be worth the effort. Once I get started, I just seem to keep going, not realizing how long I go on. I always try to remain honest, but also general regarding exact details. I am not here to point figures at people, or give specific names; this was meant for my general thoughts.

I will edit the details and personal drama and attempt to appease my liberal arts, journalistic education to make my entries more concise without mundane details. I may have been carried away a bit this week, so I edited a few entries down for my own protection as well as your benefit.

I have no idea why any of you would read all that I write, but thank you for the support. That being said, I do NOT expect you to read all of it. The quantity of stuff is for me to just get out, I would assume you all skim my entries if anything. Either way, I wanted to let you know, now that I am caught up, I will work on keeping my messages concise.

Thank you for your support, and let me know what you think. Hope you are all doing well!

Ashley

Getting Antsy... What is my Path?

I am finally caught up on my blog and up to the current day!! This is a big accomplishment! Well done, Ashley! I just hope I can stay on top of it again.

Okay, so I am writing this as I am sitting behind my desk at work temping, and I am finding it soooo hard to concentrate on the computer screen. I am getting so antsy just by sitting here, I cannot sit still. I have so much energy, and all I want to do is walk around the office and get outside. Instead, I am in the lower level (considered the basement), with no windows and no way out. It is a gorgeous 80 degrees today, and I cannot even tell if it were night or day outside. I feel soo couped up and stifled in here. I want to be outside! I want to be productive.

For years now, all I have ever wanted is to be a part of the Disney Studios, in some capacity, in the offices, hoping to work towards becoming a Studio Executive. Now, a lot of that has been coming into question.

That has been my sole goal for many years now, and look, I am in the right spot. I am so proud of myself. But as I am doing these temp jobs, I am starting to learn a lot about the business and the possible careers with Disney or another company. I have come to learn, there are so many paths, and I am not sure which one is meant for me.

In Hollywood, to become a producer, there are 2 types of paths, either as a Production Assistant on set or an Executive Assistant in the offices. I have wanted to do the executive assistant path, because the administrative work involves all of my strengths from organization, multi-tasking, detail orientation, etc. It seemed the most logical, and that is what I have been pushing for with these temp positions and meet and greets.

However, now, I am completely switching my perspectives. I miss being creative sooo much, and being an assistant has none of that. There is nothing creative. I hate sitting in front of the computer screen all day, and as you can tell, I get so antsy I start to freak out. I just want to walk around and be outside. I love talking to people, but talking to them via the phone and computer/emails are not my idea of meeting and being social. Then when I come home at the end of the day, the last thing I want is to be on the computer, which is why my blogging has dramatically decreased.

It is so weird to me to question whether or not an office job is meant for me, because that is all I have ever wanted for so long, and now that I am in it, I want out of it. Is there a way to be outside or active with my job in production but still have the job stability? That is another reason I wanted to be a studio executive, jobs are stable. If you are on a set, you just have to go from project to project not knowing if it is your last.

In all, I am really questioning whether the office is for me. I look back and I see that this is just another way working at WDW has changed me. I was outside working for 8 months, to now be inside all the time. I miss the activity, the interaction with people. If I had stayed with my childhood goal of being a doctor, I would have had the no office and physical aspect I like. Interesting.

It seems like I should work back in the theme parks, but I don't want too as a career unless it is through production. At this point, I just miss the way I felt when I was active in my day, and not sitting in a chair. 9-6 has never felt so long and daunting before, and those are not even hard hours! I look forward to the days that are busy and fast.

It is good that I am learning this about myself, but it makes it harder to find a job that I want here in LA. All the people I know are office people, not project/set members. How do I even get there now?

That brings up my next set of points. I am even starting to question what path to take in regards to a career. Like I said, I always wanted Disney Studios, studio film producer, but now I am still not sure.

I am really missing the pace of television. I love the over turning of projects, the length of a season, the hiatus of the summer, and more. When I interned on a previous talk show, I felt like I was in more of the right place at the right time. So now, I am starting to think that Television is where I want to go.

But do I want to do family entertainment, like Disney Channel, or more talk? Disney is great, but I am realizing how political it is to move somewhere. A lot of the secretaries have been there for 2+ years, and are finding it hard to move up. Is that my fate? I do not want to be on an entry level position for so long that I get stuck, and in such a large company, there are many ways to get stuck.

Talk is still great television, and it one of my favorite genres. I have always wanted to host a tv show as a secret fantasy, but now, I would love to do that for a job. I love segment producing, which is creating the 5-10 minute "chapters" or topic of discussion during the show's broadcast. I really want to get my hands on developing what goes on the tv screen. I have said it before, if I were to work in NYC, I would love to work for Today or GMA. That is talk without being too journalistic. I know I am not meant for journalism, but I believe in being a reliable show that can still provide great entertainment.

I also love late night comedy. I am so bummed Conan is not on NBC anymore, as I applied over 10 times to that show. Knowing his return to TBS will be remarkable, I would love the chance to work on his show too. Jimmy Kimmel is also another good show. I would love to be in the production of that talk format as well.

So aside from my possible talk path, I was also thinking about TV Event production. When I was in NZ last year, I interned on their Music Awards, which was like their version of the Grammy's. I realized at the actual night how I felt like I was in the absolute right place and the right time. I loved seeing the whole event come together, and I have not felt that feeling again.

Which has got me to thinking, what if I were to pursue producing events like the Grammy's, Emmy's, Oscars, Golden Globes, Kids Choice Awards, etc. I love that development because you are dealing with live tv, and you have an absolute make-it or break-it deadline. I love the intensity of that behind-the-scenes show. I have no idea where to even start to look to get involved in that.

One other path I have been recently considering is Script Supervisor. That person is all about the details of the script to how it was shot on camera. For example, if the screen calls for the actor to wave their hand, the Script Sup. makes sure that for each take the actor continues to wave with the same hand. They follow was it the right or left? were the fingers straight or curled? Were there bracelets or a watch on the wrist? That is the person who is in charge of set continuity throughout the project. It seems great, especially for my meticulous nature, but I don't like how there is not a position you can continue to move up and grow in. Once you are a script supervisor, you cannot really be promoted except onto a larger project.

Even if I follow that path, event production or talk, it means that I may not be able to be with Disney. I will not be involved like I have always imagined. There is a possibility to stay with ABC or ESPN, but these shows are not directly involved with them. The fact that I may not want what I have always wanted scares me. Am I maturing, growing, or failing and being more confused than ever?

What is my path? Where am I meant to go? These questions still linger and will have no end. I do have a starting place though. Starting next week, when my temp position is over, I will make it my week goal to reach out to those involved in my favorite shows, send resumes, and see if there is a way I can become a Production Assistant on a particular show. It seems I have some re-evaluation to do. Oh life... so confusing, nothing is simple anymore.

I feel like Pocahontas asking to Grandmother Willow, "What is my path? How am I ever going to find it?" Just listen. I am listening to my heart, my instincts, and trying to listen to God as well, but they are all hard to hear at the moment. Hoping it will all become clear soon.

Okay, it is almost lunch... I cannot wait to get out of this office and eat outside. I am even surprised I concentrated this long to type this entry, but then again, my foot is tapping wildly as if it is having an epileptic seizure as I type. okay, until next time! Bye!

One Month Down

(written yesterday, 5/4)

Wow. It has been one month since I moved to my apt. Yes, I have been here for a month and a half, but only in my apt for a month. It went by fast and slow at the same time. I am happy to say that the rooming situation is working out at the moment. My roommate is sincere, laid back, and knowledgeable. I guess it really is a good thing to have a roommate that is older than I am, so I can get a difference perspective. I am not used to talking to an older person who is not related to me, as I have always been the oldest.

I have gotten used to sleeping in my room. It has a few decorations, but not much. The shadows and creaky floor do not creep me out as much as they used too.

I am also finally into my nightly sleeping habits. I am back onto staying up late and getting up early. Which is good. I think I am finally used to working the hours again. I am not as tired as I used to be, but still exhausted around midnight. It is good to have that routine back.

Now outside of the rooming situation, I am still adjusting to LA life. I was hoping at this point I would be able to say that yes, I like LA and this is where I want to stay. But unfortunately, I sitl can't. I don't know if it is I do not like it, or if I am just lonely, or what the issue is, but I am not connected to it yet. It will take time, especially to find the social life I am looking for, but I don't see myself staying here for long.

I love the weather and the outdoor activities around the area. I like the people in general, and I like the different forms of entertainment. But overall, this is not my city, and I cannot call it home yet.

LA is a funny place actually. Nothing here makes sense. For example, one minute you are downtown in a hard urban street, and then you drive two blocks in, and you are in the suburbs. Fashion is based on accessories rather than the actual outfit you have on. There is more emphasis on the possessions rather than the living space, like a car or dog rather than the front yard or room decor. Honestly, if LA spent more time on the living spaces, then the roads would be a lot nicer than the cars that drive on them.

One thing I cannot stand about LA is how inconvenient it is. Everyone has a car, and thus no parking. Valet is a must, and it sucks to pay. You get tickets all the time, because the state is so broke, so they are super expensive. I just got one for 50 bucks. Nasty! There is no parking anywhere! I have had to leave and give up attending some of the parties or houses because I could not find a place to park. I do not want to park a mile away from my destination as a girl in an area I do know understand. I really have no idea how businesses survive when the customer's cannot park at their stores! How do they make money?

Then to make things worse, there is real no public transportation. Taxis are so expensive, buses are slow, and subway is not convenient enough to use to get around. This needs to change. Coming from NYC and Boston, I definitely have high expectations on this. In addition, there is no central "downtown" busy hub life of the city. Downtown is full of banks, and becomes a ghost town after dark. The night life is not in one central location, so you have to choose where to go for the night and hope it is busy.

LA is so full of different groups of people for all sorts of lifestyles, and I have no idea where I fit in. LA has beaches, mountains, the artsy culture, the corporate culture, the glamour culture... you name it, it is here. I am not the independent artsy type, so I would not live in that section of town. I want to be in a big downtown area like NYC, but that is a desert town at night. The corporate culture is full of banks and is pretty straightforward but uninvolved. Then the film/industry culture, which seems to involve everyone, is artsy and laid back. We wear jeans to work and work long hours with lots of time being unproductive.

I like the beach, but I am not a beachy person. I want to play volleyball really badly, but I would not say I am the right "beach" culture person to live there. Then there is Hollywood. I am not into the heavy party scene that is a bit trashy and sluty. Sorry, just not happening.

In all, I need to find my niche. There is a lot to be offered here, but I don't know what group to connect myself too, especially to live. I hope that comes in time.

That brings up my next point. How long do I want to stay here? I am not sure. How long is adequate time to say I tried it and move on? I am assuming a year, but I cannot even see myself waiting for a job that long. I know I need to start my career here, but I miss my family, I miss being in a historic culture. More than anything, I want to be abroad.

I thought by moving here, I would be over the travel bug and the desire to work in another country. Nope. Last night, I got a text from my high school friend saying she got a job in China, and will move there for a year in two weeks! What? She has never even studied abroad, and now she is leaving for a foreign culture just like that? I always thought that would be my adventure. Instead, I am here in LA trying to find a job not traveling.

I think I will get back into looking abroad for working possibilities. I have always pictured myself working in London for two years between the ages of 24-26. That time has almost come, and I want to o through with it. I see myself there in a year from now even if I get a job here in LA. I do not want to miss out on a time in life where I could have traveled and didn't. One thing is for certain, I cannot get this desire to be abroad to leave me, so maybe that is a possible calling. Starting next week, I will look to see what there is.

I just want to get started on accomplishing my life goals, and waiting around for a job is not cutting it. I want to travel in my down time, I want to write my children's book, I want to be accomplishing something despite the economy.

I have no idea how long I will be in LA. I see myself here for a few months, but then abroad come the fall if I do not have a job. I know this is where I need to start my career, but not sure if it is where I want to keep it. I just want to see more of the world that I have not seen. I should not just focus myself as to what is here in LA. Keep my options open. With that concept, I will also keep my options open to find my niche here too. I don't know if I fit any of the LA "labels" as I call them, but I think I need to give it more time.

Keeping My Foot in the Door

(written for 4/20-4/30)

Alright, so the rest of last week was pretty uneventful. I got over my sadness the next day and moved on. I actually was the Production Assistant to a small short film directed by a BU professor. I went to meet some people and see if I really liked being on set. It was pretty neat, but unfortunately, I had NOTHING to do. I was given the one task of buying water bottles for the crew, but that took a total of 20 minutes out of a 12 hour day. It was cool being on set, and I met the woman who will be Puck's mom on Glee. That was a highlight. Overall, the production was not that organized, and got pretty frustrating and boring. It was refreshing to be out of the office though for once. I worked on the movie for two days (Tuesday and Thursday)

Then Wednesday, I signed up with the temp agency that Disney uses, so I can hopefully stay within the company for a while. I just didn't like the signing up part, because it involved over 3 hours of computer testing. I hate tests. ugh.

Then Friday, I did some more meet and greets, and drove to stay with my aunt and uncle this past weekend. I just needed to get away for a little bit, and going to see my extended family was great. I was able to catch up on a lot of emails and contacts I neglected over the last month. I really had no plans other than that. It was what I needed.

That brings me up to Monday 4/26. I actually landed my first temp position! I was needed to work in a neat department at the Animation Studios for two days only. Those two days went by pretty fast. The days went really fast and connected me to top executives, who I will not name, that I thought I would never meet in my lifetime! How cool!

Then starting on Wednesday through May 7th, I will be temping in another department. At least I am getting work!

I love working in the animation building itself. It is a completely different environment than the marketing floor I was on previously for WDSMP. Here, everyone is an artist. The artwork is all over the walls, the carpet is different colors with pattern on them. Some rooms have a chalkboard wall that is two stories high just to draw anything. There are also "flipbook pages" of old movies and pictures of Walt drawing in the olden days. The decorations of each floor vary from colors, paintings, and layout designs. Some of the offices are actually in mini houses like the snow white dwarf huts! It is sooo creative! There is a gym, a coffee bar known as the "caffeine patch" and even a cereal bar! A cereal bar! Wow. I get my breakfast there every morning, saving me money on cereal. I have been going to the gym everyday, because I can. It feels so good to finally get back in shape a bit.

On Fridays, as it was today, is bagel Fridays! Coming from the East coast where bagels are a way of life, I was so excited to finally have good bagels! The bagels are accompanied by the whole building of animators to come and join with the music blasting. It was its own party!

Aside from those perks, the people are really laid back and friendly. I am able to say hi to everyone, and talk to many. This is truly and artistic environment, and a fantastic place to call work. I just wish I had an absolute passion for animation as I do live action, otherwise, there would be no reason why I would not want to work here.

Speaking of animation, the pace is a lot slower. It takes 4-5 years for a project, and that is a long time. It's not like television where the project pace is a few months, or a live action film, where it is a year or two. This is 4-5 years. I am not sure if this is for me, but I love being able to experience it while I can. I have been doing some networking while I was here too. I had lunch with someone in special projects on my first day, then I met with the producer of Princess and the Frog, who happens to be a BU alum! Go figure.

So even though I am not where I want to be yet, I am able to keep my foot in the door. I am meeting people and getting the connections without being committed to the departments. I get the same benefits, but they just last a shorter time period. I even get to visit my roommate when I want to walk around and stretch. I am truly thankful for this experience, although I am trying to make it work with what little time I have. Surviving is the name of the game. Or maybe it is the hokey-pokey, as I have one foot in and then one foot out, and shake it all about.

Tangent. Sorry. To summarize, the animation building is fantastic. An artist's dream, for sure. What a cool experience. Looking forward to what next week has to bring.

Worst Day Ever

(written 4.19.10)

I am starting to look back at these posts and I realize I am coming across as almost bipolar. I am sorry to those of you who read this, not sure why you would, but to inform you, I am not bipolar. I just have some really good days and then some really bad ones. I tell you how I see it, feel it, and how it is.

Today, unfortunately was one of the worst. I will leave out the details for confidential reasons, but let's just say, it was not a good day. I know this is LA, and this happens all the time, and for goodness sake, this is just a temp position. But still, it still hurt. I did not see my last day coming to an end like that. I thought for sure it would have been better.

I called my parents to tell them how upset I was and how awful my day was. The tears finally flowed. I felt like such an idiot. I can handle this, I can be tough, but at that moment, i felt anything but.

I know this week will get better, and that time will tell where I go next. I know, too, that this was a blessing in disguise because I was truly not meant to be there full time. Everything happens for a reason, and I need to trust that. I need to trust God, and this is a trying moment for me.

I gave God my future out here, and I know this all must be part of the plan, but it is so hard to trust the unknown. I am scared, and I feel so inadequate. I don't want this obstacle to change me or lead me to questioning the dream out here, but it is hard to stay positive today.

Why did I come out here? I don't have much to fall back on. More than anything, I want my family here to hug me and tell me it is alright. Where did I go wrong? Is this dream worth it? Is this idea I have of my life worth leaving my friends and family for over 3000 miles to work towards? Why can I not just be happy by living at home? I am never satisfied. When I am at home, I want to be somewhere else. When I am in FL, I know I am leaving and work there is not enough. When I am in LA, I want to be home. What am I not content with where I am!? Why?!

Why is it for every step forward I feel there is another leap back? I do not want to second guess myself or my abilities, but it is really hard not too right now. Am I that inadequate I lasted a month? Are my dreams bigger than what I can actually achieve? Why is it that I am never content?

I will stop with the self pity, but today just escalated these doubts that have been on my mind anyway. Randy Pausch, of the Last Lecture, summarizes it perfectly, "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough." Is this really what I want? I am trying hard to penetrate this wall of the Studios, and I look forward to when it breaks.I know I will come out stronger and laugh at this, but right now it is not that funny.

The only humor I could find with this situation, is that it actually parallels Conan's late-night Jay Leno/NBC situation. Think about it...

- I take over a new role for someone who wasn't working out and going on to something new.
- I was told I would be there for a longer period of time.
- Then suddenly, due to "business" reasons, I am being let go early.
- Not only that, but the person to fill my spot was the original person who held this position (like Jay coming back for 11:30).
- In the end, I have to leave the company all together in hopes of finding another path.

Does that make sense? I feel you Conan!

Right now, everything seems so confusing and cloudy, but I hope it will one day become clear. Until then, I will leave you with Randy Pausch's quote, which perfectly summarizes the situation. I am leaving here with experience, so I have not failed. To that I am completely grateful. Sorry for the downtrodden entry, but I had to get it out.

"Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted." -Randy Pausch

A Magical Reminder

(written on 4/17/10)

Today was the best day I have had in a really long time. I really needed to feel this connected to something, and it has done me wonders. Let me tell you.

Last night, one of my New Zealand friends and her family came to the US. I studied abroad in New Zealand Fall of 2008, and I met the native people, Maoris, and I fell in love with their culture. I am now considered a member of their family, or whanau (fan-owww), if I were to return. The thing in the NZ culture, is they really mean it when you are a part of the family. So event though my friend in about 20 years older than me, she wanted me to be with her and her family when they came to LA.

It was the first time 2 of the 6 that came ever stepped foot into America. They ranged in age from the Auntie around 63 years old to another age 25. The auntie told me the biggest thing she wanted to do was visit Disneyland, because it has been something she has dreamed about for almost 50 years, but was never able to get overseas. I spent the night with them on Friday night, and we left for Disneyland Resort (DLR) this morning. I did forget that Marois have no real sense of time, so we left 4 hours after I woke up, but we made it!

I new that I had to give them a day they could remember. The only hard part was, I have only been to DLR once before, so I was actually not familiar with it, but my Tour Guide self kicked in. I was able to get 3 of the 5 in for free with my Maingate pass, which started the day off well. Trusting my basic instincts I figured my way around the park, and I took them onto the Jungle Cruise first. That was a great starter!

You should have seen their faces. It was like age was transformed, and they were on another planet. I of course, forget this feeling, it was just another ride for me near the "backside of water."

I wanted to make sure they hit up all of the classic rides that they heard of their entire life. In short, we rode Jungle Cruise, Pirates, Haunted Mansion, Big Thunder Mountain, the Tea Cups, Cinderella's Carousel, and a few others. I had to remind myself often that this was their day, not mine. I could come back again and ride what i want to ride. It got a little frustrating, but like I said, this was their day, not mine.

They were in such heaven. The aunt constantly told me how much it means just to be here for her, and that she loves seeing the kids, the families and the colors. She really emphasized just how much this was the "Happiest Place on Earth." When I hear that, I have to realize just how much of an out-of-body experience this may be for them. It is something I obviously will never gain again, but it was good to see.

Later in the evening, we decided to do Splash Mountain. We waited an hour! I NEVER wait an hour for anything anymore. I have been so spoiled, but I had no way to skip the line. We finally passed the line and got in our logs. I made sure i was in the middle so I would not get splashed as badly. This ride has never been my favorite, and little did I know how much I would be reminded of that.

We made it through the first small drop, but I forgot just how much this family weighed. Maoris are big people, and I was one of 6! We got soaked from the first drop! I knew I was in trouble when my shoes were soaked through after the first drop. Finally the massive drop, we dropped, took the picture, screamed and KAABOOOM! The water was a freaking tidal wave! I have NEVER gotten that wet on this ride before, and unfortunately, the sun was dropping, so I knew I would never dry. I was screaming because I was so mad!!

We got off, and we all were soaked; I might have well jumped into a pool while I was at it, it would not have made a difference. They were so happy, and that was all that mattered to them.

We had dinner at the DLR version of Casey's Corner. The NZers wanted to try an American hot dog more than anything. Sure enough, they loved them and had a few more plus a few pretzels. It was good to see them enjoying my culture for once.

About an hour before the fireworks, I told the auntie there was one last ride she MUST go on. She was very relectant because it was on the other side of the park, but I insisted. We walked about 20 minutes just to get there. I took her to "It's a Small World" specifically at night, because it is the only ride I prefer over WDW's version. The wonderful lighting, sparkling decor, and theming, is perfect. I told her this was her ride.

We went through the 10 minute attraction, and the others were silent. They were in such awe, they just had nothing to say. When they came across the NZ doll, it meant the world to them. They started speaking in their language to it and took many pictures. Finally, at the end of the ride, there was a giant "postcard" that stated, "There is a bright future for tomorrow." Now normally, I would not think anything of it, but the auntie repeated that phrase until she got off the boat.

When she hopped off, she started crying. First silent tears, but then everyone started to notice and she couldn't keep it in. I did not know because I was walking a few steps ahead trying to rush to the fireworks. She called me, and stopped me. I noticed she was crying and I attended to her.

"Are you okay, auntie?" I asked. There were no words. She was so choked up, she could not talk. She just put her hand on her heart for a second, then moved her hand against my heart and held it there for a few seconds. I new what she was trying to say. She was so grateful for this experience, there were no words.

She later was able to talk, and she held my hand for the entire walk back to the fireworks. She would say just how happy she was, how her whole family came, how I made it happen, and how at peace she felt dispite the hardships at home. "What a magical day, just perfect." That will stick with me for a long time.

The fireworks were great after that. So was the souvenir shopping, and so was the waiting for the tram back to the car. The rest of the night didn't matter. It was that moment after Small World when I realized this is why I love working for the company I am a part of.

What other company in the world has the opportunity to reach out and affect so many in a massive way? Despite my hardships this week, emotions, and frustrations, I was reminded this tonight just how much bigger this whole experience is than myself. I am a part of something grater than myself, and it knows no international boundaries. I take my life for granted and how I can work at a theme park known as Disneyland or World. I forget what it is like to see it as a guest.

I just needed this reminder tonight about why I love Disney, and how important it is to others. What more can you ask for from a job? I may just be one piece of the puzzle, but I needed to be reminded of my potential impact on others.

It made me realize again, yes, I want to stay here. I want to work for Disney, family entertainment. By working in the office, you do not see the guest's reaction to the products. This is the main reason why. I feel like I made a small difference, I fulfilled some potential in making a connection.

Call me brainwashed, call me delusional, but you cannot deny the fact that this is important to me, and I am passionate about where I work. How else can you define happiness? I needed this moment to remind me of just how I am a part of something larger than myself, and I cannot be upset with one little bump in the road. What did Last Lecture Professor Randy Pausch say?

"The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough." Randy Pausch, Last Lecture.

I see my current job dilemma as an obstacle. It is a brick wall for keeping those who do not want it badly enough out. I will penetrate these Studio's walls somehow. I just need a little faith, trust and Pixie Dust. After tonight, there is no other way to express how I felt than "flying high."

To my whanau, "Kia Ora. Haere rā whanau! Kei te mokemoke au ki a koe."

So Close, Yet So Far.... Networking Galore

(written from 4/14-4/16)

I have started the process of being mentally ready for my last day at work. The week has been rather fine, but it still upsets me knowing that I am leaving. I love my desk and the people on the floor and it doesn't seem real quite yet. I must say, that despite my future impending doom on Monday, I am still remaining dedicated to my work. I am still treating this as my job and I remain focused with the task at hand.

Speaking of task at hand, my last gloomy entry (sorry about my depression), I wrote about networking. This has become my sole goal in life right now. I am still here at the studios, and it is here I want to be. I am going to take the time I have left and work it to meet as many people as possible. I am not afraid to meet others and ask them about themselves, in fact, it is a great strength of mine. I know how to work contacts, the only problem is getting them.

Due to the short nature of my time left, I am trying to meet with as many people in production as possible. More specifically, my new goal in life is to get onto the production of Pirates 4. For those of you that don't know me, I am an obsessive Pirates fan. This movie franchise is one of my main inspirations as to why I chose to be in this industry. It upholds everything I believe in family entertainment: a great story, great characters, remerable moments that transcends all ages, great production value, and positive messages that reach out to everyone (such as a strong female protagonist, go after what you want and don't look back, live life on your own merit, etc...)

For the last few days and the next coming up, I have lunches with someone every single day in the production department. That is the only lead I have at the moment. It is not much, but it is something. I contacted a few others involved, reaching out to as many as I can, but nothing is grabbing.

Looking back at this, I feel like I am getting some momentum going. I feel like I am getting myself exposure to the execs that I need too. I feel SO CLOSE, yet so far from where I want to be. They start pre-production in one week, and start filming in June. I see the set decoration fabric on the walls of the floor the production is on. It gives me the chills seeing the sign above the fabric "Barbosa's lair"! Then as I walk further down the hallway, I see the actual location pictures hanging around! I must tell you, it is so hard not to squeal like a little girl when I see these! The locations are amazing. Huge trees with hug roots, gritty beaches. This will be a different feel than the former stories. I am so excited!!

Just seeing this makes me cringe even more, because I am sooooo close. I can almost taste it! I am walking with them, and seeing the people... but it is not enough to get hired. AHHH! I am on the floor I need to be visiting, talking to the people I need to talk too, but nothing is biting. If I had been involved from months before, maybe I could have had a place. I am not giving up though. I am going into this with all the energy and determination I can get. I just personally do not know the people who can pull strings for me. I pray to God that something will give.

Overall, I am so close, yet so far. It is almost torture. I need to just keep going. Push what I can... who knows where it will take me.

This week has been networking galore. I am proud of myself, but I won't slow down until something breaks. This is when I can say life is exciting, but also nerve-racking. I have extreme highs of emotion to real lows. It is funny how I am back to square one of not having a lead, but I keep challenging myself to stay busy. I am making headway though, I feel it. That is promising. Like Walt Disney says, "just keep moving forward."

(thought you disney fans would like that one.)