Easter has come and gone, but I have yet to discuss what I want on the topic. So here is my chance.
As I have previously written, it is no secret that I am going through some serious religious questioning now in my life. No, I am not denouncing God, and no, I am not trying to convert. I am seriously taking what I have grown up with and trying to put in into my own personal terms, my own opinions, my own beliefs. I want to make sure that I believe what I believe because it's true and I choose to do it, not because I have grown up on it. I greatly admire those who live their lives with conviction, and I want do do the same. Live life with certainty.
Anyway, Easter is the most important holiday in the Christian calendar; the Holiest of days. Usually this holiday is spent with family, well, since I have been in college, I don't think I have been home for Easter in the last 5 years. Luckily, in LA, I have some family out here. I was looking forward to spending the time and holiday with them; but I couldn't help but feel like a complete stranger at some point.
In terms of attending church, I come from a very traditional and colonial background. My church is serious and not always uplifting; it is the message for why we attend, not entertainment. Well, in CA, that is quite opposite. Going to church out here is like attending a concert. There is a full band, stage, no pulpit, no formal robes, casual dress, and tv monitors within the sanctuary to broadcast the service like a tv event.
Nothing is wrong with that at all, but it is quite opposite of what I am used too. Also, my aunt and uncle attend church on Saturday evenings. So for both Palm Sunday and Easter, we went in the afternoon on Saturdays. I felt like I was completely out of my element and it scared me. Then the actual service was intimating too. Everyone spoke or worshiped with such energy and passion. I admired their ability to be so open about their faith, and it bothered me that I wasn't.
Then I got to thinking... maybe I am intimidated by this openness because I am not sure what I believe as much as I thought. They all had the absolute certainty in what they believed and how they worshipped, and I am having issues with that at the moment. During the Easter service, it was so energetic and uplifting, but I responded in quite a different fashion. The fact that I am having doubts and constantly second guessing has struck me to my core. It has got me so off guard that when Easter was so certain, and I was not, I felt like an idiot for not feeling the same way, as if I have gone wrong somewhere, so i started to cry small tears in church. To some, I guess it looked like I was celebrating, but little did they know.
I have no idea what I am expecting to happen to me or what is to come out of this. I am so rattled by the fact I am insecure about my faith, on top of my move to LA, work, a new apt, no immediate family, no friends... it all came on top of me. Church seemed like the cherry on top of a growing pile of uncertainty.
As a result of my questions and insecurities, I called my high school friend who is super religious. She gave me some good perspective, and it felt great to talk that openly about something so personal to me. That was big for me, because I have never been able to do that. I feel awful and guilty even questioning anything about God, but I know He will listen.
Anyway, I have started to take it upon myself to do some research into more of Christianity and compare it to other faiths like Judiasm. I want to know why Christians are so certain Jesus is the Savior, and Judiasm is so certain he is not. Why? I don't understand. If the Jews are certain Jesus is not the Savior, then what are they waiting for? Why not Jesus? And for Christians, how are we so sure ourselves? Then the bigger issue is can you surrender your life to the Ultimate power? That is really gutsy! I have prayed many, many nights about this subject asking that God reveal the truth to me. Sometimes I feel he doesn't answer, but then I know he does because each morning when I wake, I feel more and more certain he is around me. It is so strange, but comforting. There is this energy that I just feel really close too when I go through my day, and I have to believe it is Him.
So that is where I am at in terms of my beliefs. Where is the proof or what are the circumstances, and how strongly do I show this belief? I am not one to rub it in people's faces, I think that is wrong, but I try to show it through the way I practice and live my life: my values, qualities, behavior , etc. I will let you know what I discover as I run into it.
Let me get back to Easter. Although we had church on Saturday, I still had an interesting Sunday. The Easter Bunny came and got me some treats! We died Easter eggs and had an Easter Egg Hunt (despite the strong opposition to it). We had an amazing Ham dinner with corn, potato casserole, and wine.
My favorite part of the day was talking to my family on the phone. It is when you are away from the family and on an important holiday tradition, you realize how important they are and how much you miss them. I talked to my cousins, my grandmothers, my aunt and uncles and then my siblings. When I talked to my parents, I got upset and cried, because I am such a family oriented person, and I was not with them and doing other traditions, that I felt lonely and isolated. I wanted to be near what was familiar to me, but instead I find myself in a new environment with new people. I was just homesick for what was familiar.
Easter this year was very insightful for me. I learned a lot of what I do NOT know rather than what I do. I am pushing myself spiritually and intellectually to find what is right to me. I love my extended family out here, and without them this move would not be possible, but it doesn't diminish the fact I miss home.
Oh! I forgot the biggest part! There was an earthquake that shook the whole southern California. It was perfect timing, because in service, we talked how the "earth shook" when Jesus arose from the dead. Suddenly, on Easter afternoon there was an Earthquake that was the largest in 17 years. I was coming out of the shower, and I thought I lost my balance when I realized it was an earthquake! The funny thing was, just a moment before that happened, I looked out the window to the sky by the shower and said to God, "I hope you are with me." Then the earth shook. Coincidence? Maybe, but I would like to think not.
After it happened, I thought just how quickly life could turn on you like that. If that earthquake was like Haiti's or Chile's, my life could have been snatched away in an instant. It was the first time in a long time, I felt small and completely out of control. As much as we like to think we are the greatest power on Earth, we lose sight just how much we are in the hands of Mother Nature, or in my beliefs, God's power.
That was my initiation to California, and the complete recollection of my Easter Sunday, and what it meant to me. I feel this is the most personal post I have ever written. I feel really vulnerable typing this, just like the girl in the picture above. I do feel Overexposed, but that is the point, isn't it?
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