Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Step in the Right Direction?

It seems my blog posts have started to slow down a bit. I don't intend for that to happen, but sometimes it takes a lot to sit here and just type, especially if I don't feel like it. I am trying to get it back to once a day or twice a day, but it hasn't been that easy. Just take that as a disclaimer I guess.

Now for the post. I have been having a few more solemn emotions running through my head the last few days because I think reality is starting to come into the picture. I know that I have less than two weeks today till I go out west. That is still some time, but I am starting to realize the pressure of the move and I am getting a bit nervous and anxious.

Am I really sure this is the right move? Am I being crazy or is this what is supposed to happen? I believe everything happens for a reason, but it still does not account for some doubt. And by doing this, am I going in the right direction or is this the first step on the road to disaster? I know that I need to make this move, but I am not as sure about it as I was when I bought the ticket. I blame my conscience.

It seemed last week that all of the pieces came together in terms of transportation, housing and a potential job, but now it is a bit shaky. Regardless as to what happens in the job world, I see it as a stepping stone to where I want to go and an experience to meet other contacts. However, what if I fail at getting to where I want to be? Ugh. The thoughts just keep on going. I will leave that for another blog post.

Anyway, I am just starting to question the very move of getting me out of redundant suburbian life. I am soooo excited one day, and that scared @#&*less the next. I cannot imagine what will come in the following few days.

Am I ready to struggle? I am using my life savings on this "adventure". My dad put it as I am "investing in myself to chase my dream." Yea, that sounds good. I am actually chasing my dream. How many people really get to say that in their lifetime? I never thought of it like that because I just felt it was the natural direction life was pulling me towards and I had to do it. I guess it is a choice.

With that said, my family is starting to get a little bit more sentimental about the move too. The other night, I made my dad watch Harry Potter 6, although not his favorite, I knew he secretly liked it. He ended up saying, "Thanks for the movie. I enjoyed it seeing it with you, because you know I won't be able to do that much longer." It's not like I am moving away forever. Who knows, I could just fail and then I will come back home. My mom sent me a text last night out of the blue saying "wuv woo." That is her own special code of being affectionate. I do not come from a very affectionate family, and my family keeps a lot of their close feelings private. So when I hear small things like that, they have bigger impact.

I never considered this move as "leaving the nest." In fact, I feel as if I have never left. I have always ended back at square one. I guess this is leaving the nest, but when you say that, you make it feel more epic than it needs to be. I come home every three months anyway, because I hate being away from my family that long. I am such a family oriented girl, and being away from them is hard. We definitely have our arguments and differences, but they are my family nonetheless. Even my grandmother told me last night that I am leaving for a long time because if I get a job, coming home for a weekend from 3,000 miles away is not that easy. I know she is right, I just don't want to admit it.

I will miss home, my pets, my family, my grandmother, but I have to do this. If I don't try, then what good was my life? I need to go after the "impossible", as many tell me. I am not one to just see life pass me by. It is also comforting to know, that if I do fail, I can come home, but also Orlando will always be there for me.

Who knows what is going to happen in the upcoming months, but I trust my faith, and I am looking forward to the unknown, unpredictable ride ahead. I just hope this ride takes me in the right direction. I have no map, no set destination, just the various roads that will take me there. Wish my GPS would work and give this journey a set path. Who knows, maybe there already is a set path, and I am just about to get in the car.

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