Expect to Much?

One of the greatest relationships in my life, or the most sacred to me, are my friendships. I have been blessed to have many friends in my life, although that was never the case in my early childhood. I moved around many times before settling in NJ. By the age of ten, I moved 8 times, including Japan, and went to 15 different schools. Crazy I know, but that was my life. That is why my family is so close, and that is also a reason why I value friendships.

It was so hard to make friends for me because I knew I was going to leave them at some point. I know that being an independent and slightly odd kid never helped, but it was really hard to make and keep a friend. Luckily we settled in NJ, and I was really able to find a select core of girl friends. Some last till this day, others do not. In college, I made a handful of friends, but only one or two that are lasting friendships. Then of course, Disney, happened. I have a core group of 20 or so people that I talk to on a regular basis, and they have all enriched my lives tremendously. It amazes me within the last 3 years, my friends' geographical locations have spread from Chatham, NJ all the way into international borders in Brazil, Dominican Republic, Germany, Norway, New Zealand and Australia. That amazes me, I am truly blessed.

However, despite how rich in location I am with friends, I would really only say I have 5 core, best friends, who are my closest confidants (you know who you are). I am unsure if these 5 people are aware, but I keep my friendships at a high level because I never take a friendship for granted. To be a best friend comes with responsibility as well as exciting times and great joy. I would be lost without my best friends, I owe them everything. I would definitely not be the person I am today were it not for those who have stuck by me.

Having that be said, I have come to realize that maybe I am expecting way too much from my friends. I come from a family of high expectations and I have carried that into my relationships. I don't mean for it to happen, it's just automatic.

I feel I am a really good friend. I deeply care for them, and I would do anything for them. I make my affections known fairly often, especially in times of great distance, and I try hard to keep in touch as often as possible. I know that I make a good friend, and I feel that is one of my life's greatest duties. I just hope that my friends would do that for me in return.

Lately, I have been having a lot of excessive thought about my friendships. I think the move to LA is getting me really, really nervous because I am leaving my best friends and family behind for the unknown future. I just want to make sure that everything at home is good and stable before I leave, because if my core foundation is solid, then I can be solid away from home.

I have been realizing just how different each of my core friendships are from one another. I was told recently that "each friendship fills a different role in our lives", so naturally, each one varies. I must agree with this. One friend is the goofy, silly person to laugh with, as another is based on guidance and helps evaluate life's situations, while another is a friendship of venting about family, issues etc. And since each one has a different role, the frequency of which I talk to them also varies. With some of my best friends, I can go a few weeks to two months without talking. It doesn't mean anything is wrong, it just means we are balanced and alright with where we stand.

I don't have to talk to some person every single day, yet, with other friendships, it really bothers me if I do not talk to them at least once a week. One of my most cherished friendships is just that. I get mad if I don't hear from that person after a few days. And I get mad that I get mad! It shouldn't bother me if I don't hear from someone as often as I would like; but it does. I guess I just get scared of the distance, especially when I know there was no distance in the past. I don't like the idea of not knowing what is going on in my friend's life, not matter who it is.

This also brings up another point... The difference between girl and guy friends is something I am still learning. I never really had any real guy friends, so when I found some in college, I treated them with the same expectations I had with any of my girl friendships. Was this wrong? I still don't know. I have come to realize that boys are just wayyyyy more private than girls are, and guys don't like to chat about stuff. For a girl, this is the core of the friendship...being able to confide in one another. I am still learning that guys usually just want someone to hang with rather than respond too. Does that seem accurate?

If that is true, then I cannot help but get insecure of how the friendship will last if I move away. If I am no longer physically near my guy friends, are they going to stop talking to me? I hope not, that is why I like to hear exactly how they feel about the situation. Is that asking too much?

I think I do have expectations that are really high for my friendships, because I know I would be that person in return. If I would be there for someone, I would expect they do the same. Maybe I should just hope. I have gotten burned in the past a lot with this issue. Keeping in touch, which I am awesome at, and others are not. When do I become overbearing or too intrusive? For a girl, it is really hard to be too intrusive or trying too hard to keep in touch. However, with a guy... I think that anything can almost be taken as too intrusive. I am struggling to find this balance.

One of the hardest things for me to admit to myself is that I cannot make someone change. I cannot make them be friends with me. I have learned this the hard way many times through trying to befriend the popular click in middle school, the theater click in high school, trying to get my hs crush to be a meaningful friendship today, etc.

If I lose a friend, I need to learn to just let it go, and I can't. I cannot let people leave or exit my life. They have come into it, so naturally, they must stay. I cannot let things go. When I feel a friend becomes more distant, I do not accept it and give them space, I try everything in my power to fix the situation. This includes phone calls, texts, emails, anything to keep them close.

It is the worst feeling knowing someone is slipping away, and I am powerless to stop it. This powerless feeling is what I fear, it is what I want to avoid. Thus, I try stay active in my friend's life. I fear being alone and friendless.

I know this may be a bit possessive, and I am working on it. As of right now, I am trying really hard to keep my friendships at a balanced level. It is hard with temptations like FB, and Twitter, and Gchat, AIM and others. It is so easy to follow what is going on in your life electronically, but I miss hearing your voice. The voice is the best and truest form of communication. For my girls, we have a mutual understanding that is implied in our relationship of when to talk. I am not concerned for my girl friendships to last.

As for my guys, I am trying to relax and not be all up in your business. I do not want to lose you at all, but it makes it hard not knowing how you feel about the situation. If I am overbearing, I am sorry; I am not as uptight as I used to be. I send the occasional text, but that's it. Please know that I do not mean any harm, I am just trying to look out for you like any friend would. My friendships are sooo important to me, that I do not want them to end. I hate knowing that things change, people change, and life changes, but if the friendship is true, it will last through anything. I just hate not being around you all the time because friends are my family, and I always miss you.

Based on that, do I have high expectations? I guess I do. The expectation to keep in touch, to talk, to update me when something big happens, yea i guess that is a lot. I just like to know that I am important to someone. I like being the one you confide in. I love the idea of knowing someone so well that they eventually know you better than you know yourself. Obviously, I could talk about this for hours, but I will spare you.

I miss you all. I miss my 5 closest friends, who range in location from RI, AL, FL, and MA, at all times. As for my other friends, Thank you for everything. One of my favorite songs from Wicked reflects on friendship, and I feel it is very fitting. I have left the lyrics for you to read.

Wicked - For Good

(Elphaba) I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...

(Glinda) I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda) Because I knew you

(Both) I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda) Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba) Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both) Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda) And because I knew you...

(Elphaba) Because I knew you...

(Both) Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.