Mind My Worst Enemy

Usually, I am a pretty good sleeper. I go to bed and tend to pass out within a few minutes and sleep without waking up. I love to get about 8-9 hours of sleep a day, but lately, my mind has become my worst enemy.

It seems my brain doesn't get the memo that night time is when you are supposed to calm down. Instead, my mind seems to race once the lights turn off. It is quite annoying actually. I guess instead of dreaming, I end up day dreaming... at night... quite intensely. I don't mean too, it just happens.

This isn't anything new either. It really started back about a month and a half ago, when I was really starting to get stressed about life and its direction. I would think about everything and anything. Then it really sped up once I bought my ticket in February to move to LA. I would start thinking about where I would live, who I would stay with and then the future of my apartment.

That sounds all healthy and good, but I can get carried away, like excessively.

For example, about my future apartment, I start thinking about the wall colors, the cover rug and the plates. I want a queen size bed for the first time with the comforter from the Sheraton Inn with a few pillows to make it fluffy and soft. Soft enough for a cat to sleep on. So now, I want a cat! What kind? I was thinking a handicapped tabby of some sort calling it Angel. I want it to be near me because I miss my cats so much at home. Oh back to the rug. I was thinking the purple one from PB Teen with the white polka dots. That would cover enough floor space to make it feel like I have a carpet.

Oh, I have some pots and things my grandmother gave me in boxes since she moved from her condo. Those would be great to use. But how am I going to get those shipped out west without breaking them, since they are all ceramic? I could pay for shipping, or maybe my brother would want to do a road trip this summer, but with what car? Our van is breaking, I have the other, my mom needs the Murano to drive our sister, and Dad has a company car. Ooooo.... cars, I want to buy a new car someday. What to get? I really want the ice blue color on a small car. It should also have a sun roof and non leather seats. I like carpeted seats. Speaking of carpet, I really want that PB Teen rug! I also want the mattress that James has because you feel like you are floating on a cloud! I need to look into that. I wonder what it is like to float in a cloud? I should go sky diving! That way I can figure it out and accomplish a life goal! Oh, I have to finish that life goal project.....

ANYWAY, you see how it keeps going? There is no stop! Sometimes it keeps me up for around 3 hours. That is the downside.

I know I am a big worrier as it is, but this doesn't help. Where is my off switch? I guess it is a good thing to be aware of what is going on, and to have a plan, but it's crazy! I should do that during daylight hours. I keep a notepad by my bed just in case I remember something I need to do or look up in the morning.

Lately though, it has gotten better. I made the move to Cali, so that got rid of some worry. However, now I am always thinking about work, a future job, and what my apt will look like. Also, I have been thinking about the roommate possibilities, how I still need to make it to Savannah for my borther's college graduation, NJ for my sister's high school graduation, and about my friends in FL and how I can remain seasonal at WDW. I hope I can remain seasonal there, because it is important to me.

So you see, my mind is always going. I remember a friend of mine told me I need to take an actual "chill pill" and there is medicine for that. Anyway, does anyone else have this problem? My mind is my own worst enemy. I just need to find the off switch.

Okay, this post took a lot of energy. I need to go take a nap.... if my mind will let me.

The Next Chapter Begins

So Thursday 3/18, was a big day for me. I had meetings set up throughout the day, so I spent the entire day in LA. I had to make a meeting at 10:30am, which is a good time, but when the commute is 60 miles and on the worst highway for congested traffic in the nation, time is really against you. I left at 8:15am, after dropping my aunt off at work, and drove of highway 5. I had to take that from Laguna Beach to Burbank. I thought I had time, but traffic was obviously an obstacle. My aunt lent me her car for the day, which was great, but it was hard driving an unfamiliar car on unfamiliar roads with intense conditions. Anyway, I made it at 10:15am, and that wasn’t even bad traffic, just the tail end of rush hour.

My meeting went well. It was an informal interview or meeting with two contacts I met previously in April. I maintained contact with them every month since, and it looks like it has led to a job. Although it is not full time, it is a temporary position that will last through June. I will work Monday-Friday, 9-6, until then. I am so blessed because it is literally a dream come true! Not only do I have a way to survive for a few months in LA, I get a chance to save by making decent money, I get a job before I moved out there (I have known about this for almost a month), AND it is working for my dream company! I guess I can officially say it now:

Although it is temporary, I am the new employed Cast Member for Walt Disney Studios!!!

Ahhh! I have worked so hard to get a chance, and I got it. I got it all on my own. No one helped me, and I was told it wasn’t going to happen. I am so proud of myself. It felt great walking on the Disney lot with all the other executives that I have wanted to be and knowing that I belong there just as much as they do. I just hope it leads to more opportunities.

I feel very comfortable with this chance; I could not have asked for more. I guess the last 10 months since graduation may have paid off. Although I must remind you it is only through June, unless they get approval to go full time. We will see I guess. That is the biggest news of the day.

The rest of the day was wonderful. I drove around the city for a bit, and I didn’t realize just how much I have forgotten. I could not remember street names or directions. I just knew what they looked like visually, but not enough to know my way around. I was actually overwhelmed, because it scared me how out of place I felt. It was like returning home for the first time in months, and you cannot remember the exact locations of what you used to be familiar. I guess it will take time, and I have that.

After driving around (I was actually beyond lost for almost an hour), I went to meet up with an email contact I have had for three months. He runs a top make up and special effects studio. I walked in not knowing what to expect, but it was actually a pleasant trip. It made me realize just how different artistic and business people operate. These guys were artists. First, the office was a mess, pets were all throughout the building, and their “to do list” was written in their heads. They were so laid back, it amazes me they get things done. Their business seems to be run by “whatever happens happens” motto. Also, there were bloody horror masks and body parts all over the walls, along with posters of which they worked. My favorite touch was the Pirates posters, since he worked on the make up of those films, and of course, the Emmy.

He took me into the back of his studio where the artists were working on bullet wounds in clay and bulging intestines of puddy. Hundreds of heads were around and finished gruesome creatures. Crazy work though! I could not imagine making something like that. They are gifted.

Anyway, my conversation with my contact was pleasantly nice. He was open to my questions and explaining his way of life. He even said that if I were to ever get bored, just to come over to the studio. If I needed a friend, he offered himself as well as his staff as people to lean on. “We are family now,” he said. If I wanted to hang out after work and get a drink with them, I very easily could. His friendliness was not what I would expect from a veteran LAer. He even said that if I ever got lost, needed anything, had car trouble, whatever, to call him and let him know. He would look out for me. How much of that is true, I don’t know, but it was wonderful to be welcomed by a someone.

He also talked about opportunities to work with him this summer on some films he is working on developing. He may give me the chance to produce, meet the top producers he works with, etc. He even told me he would help me try to get on Pirates 4 (since he is working on the make up)!! I just hope he really follows through with his word. I will take it if it comes, I remain skeptical, but I hope for the best.

Then after meeting with him, I drove back to my old internship on the Universal lot. I met with those I worked with before to see how they were doing. I was so surprised on how happy people were to see me. I had dinner planned with my friend who is an executive assistant now, but I had to wait 1.5 hours for her to finish work. So I just talked to everyone. I was welcomed back by them all, even the ones I had a hard time working for.

I felt so much support from them it was amazing. They all asked me what my current situation was, and I said job hunting but working temporarily. They offered all of their resources to help me out because I was a stand out intern and one of the best. They even went as far to say that the first available position that comes up, I will be the first hired. I don’t know if that is true, but just the notion that they said that was amazing. I was also involved in some confidential discussions, and all I can say is “wow” to many of their projects. I guess working for one of the top TV Production companies in America has its perks.

It made me realize, I am so glad and happy I never burned any bridges. Ever. Even to those I did not like, I just put up with the work last year, and now, I have their full support. I know have contacts I didn’t know I had. This makes me really excited for the future.

The dinner I had with my friend was really nice. I learned just how hectic her life became, but enjoyed every moment. We ate up at Universal City walk in the Panda Garden, I think, it was Chinese. I didn’t finish eating till 9:15pm!

It was a full day. I left straight after that to Orange County. What took me 2 hours that morning, took less than an hour at night. I am just grateful I made it back.

Overall, this day was overwhelming with support and kindness. I landed a job (temporary) to start on Monday for my dream company, met with new contacts, saw LA, met with old contacts, and caught up with friends. What more could I ask for? What a great way to come back to LA.

I just feel like I can actually get somewhere now. At least I have the time too, and a gig that will buy me some time to survive. I just hope I make my parents proud. In fact I texted my mom telling her she would be proud of me today. I did everything on my own: endured the worst commute, get around unfamiliar areas, meet with people I pursued to network with, and landed a job with no one’s help but my own. To my happiness my mom responded, “I am very proud of U! U r well on ur way!” I guess that is true, it is my way, and I guess this is what true independence is beginning to feel like. It is good to have it back.

I have no idea how long I will stay in LA, but that is not to worry about now. It may not be my ideal living situation (like Orlando), but it has the opportunities I need at the moment. It is in God’s hands, and it seems my prayers and dreams are beginning to come true. What a good feeling.

Now I may be over exaggerating, but I haven’t felt this positive about something in a loooong time, so I will take in the moment. Well done, Ashley! 10 months of waiting post grad are over, and now, as my friend said perfectly, “The next chapter begins…”

I am worried about the commute on Monday, because I may have to leave at 6am to get there by 9am. I am exploring the idea of taking the train, but LA’s train system is not well developed. For that, I miss NYC. However, it may be the least stressful method until I get my car out here, and move into my own apartment, but it would take up the same amount of time. We will see. That is for another discussion.

It just seems like things are starting to fall into place a little bit. I praise God for that. What a wonderful start. For the first time, I realized it was like my mom’s other text, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” To that, here it goes… “The Next Chapter Begins…”

The Move Out West

Hey Everyone! Sorry it has been such a long time. I meant to stay on top of the blog, but I just slacked off I guess. Not that I haven't been bored, I just have had a lot to finish up on the last few days. So here is the official update...

I left off with a week left. Although I have a few other entries I have not published yet, I was busy writing those. On top of that, I had a great last week home. On Wednesday, I saw an awesome musical at the New Brunswick theater called "Calvin Berger". It is a modern twist on Cyrano DeBergerac, but it was hilarious!! I laughed so much. I hope that play goes further. Only 4 people in the cast, but great characters, music, and set. I recommend it.

Then Thursday, I went to see Alice and Wonderland with some close family friends of mine, and went out to a really nice dinner. I also talked to one of my best friends for an hour and a half, and that was wayyy needed. Let's see, that takes us to Friday. I wanted to go to the MOMA to see Tim Burton's exhibit, but it was nasty out, so I didn't. That was my last chance to get to NYC before I left. I did meet up with a high school classmate at Starbucks to catch up. It is good to know there are other "go getters" like me around.

Saturday, I drove to South Jersey during the worst rain storm ever to see my good friend who recently got married. I spent the day with her, and it was really great. I left at 5pm for what should have been less than a 2hr drive, but it lasted 4 hours. I was late to babysitting! When I arrived there, the rain was so much the river next store flooded all neighboring houses, including my own. When I returned home, my brothers were home from college, but we all had to clean the basement due to massive flooding. See my other blog for details. http://ashleyread.tumblr.com/post/455881816/the-great-flood

Then Sunday, I packed, and Monday I said my goodbyes. I will miss my family and grandmother tons, but I am also excited to get started on a new chapter of my life.

This brings me to the move out west. I left Jersey Tuesday March 16th, at 10am. I flew from Newark to Phoenix. I remember seeing, as we took off, the Statue of Liberty. I felt how symbolic it was. That was the symbol to millions of people of the start of a new life, and it was the last thing I saw of the east coast. The flight was alright, long, but okay. I saw everything from the dark colors of winter to the beautiful desert farmland and mountains of Arizona. I forget how beautiful our country is sometimes.

From Phoenix, I flew to Santa Ana, California where my aunt picked me up. I left with 40 degree weather, and I landed in 85. What an immediate change. As soon as I got to their house, we unpacked and went straight to my cousin's lacrosse game. At night, we had dinner and watched American Idol. Pretty simple. I was really tired at the end though. I went to bed around 11pm. Soo early, but then it was 2am eastern.

So Wednesday, was my first real day on the west coast. It was about 80 degress, sunny and beautiful. I slept in, to what felt like noon, but it was only 9:15am! so the day seemed to creep by because of that. I went to eat at In and Out burger with my cousin for lunch. Nothing says "welcome to CA" then eating lunch at that fast food chain of amazingness. My aunt took me to Laguna Beach since I have never been. The Pacific was literally 4 miles from her house. It was so gorgeous! We walked around the quaint beach town and shopped for a few minutes. Then we went to the beach where I saw men playing volleyball! It was awesome. I felt like I was in another dimension because I saw volleyball, men, sun, water, flip flops and car convertibles with the tops down. I have officially arrived. :D I laugh because I actually got burned for the hour I was outside. Of course!

At night, we had a homemade family dinner, and then watched American Idol and baked cookies. I was in bed by 11pm. So early!!

That summarizes my first 24 hours out west. Not too exciting, but a step forward. One step at a time. I thank God for my chance to come out here. I texted my mom at night, and she said it perfectly. I haven't thought of it this way, but she said, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." I guess that is right, I just needed a chance to breakaway.

One Week

One week. One week left of anticipation. Left of excitement. Fear. Hope. Nervousness. And a sense of purpose. One week from today, I will be in California enjoying my first night on the west coast.

I am getting a rush of emotions as the thought of what's to come gets closer and closer. I am unsure of what is to come, how long I will struggle, how long I will last, or if I am ever to return home again. I know I will visit for the holidays, but I think I am about ready to leave the nest as some say. I do not consider the upcoming move "leaving the nest" but I guess it is a big deal. I have no idea what awaits me, and the thought that I have one week left in suburbia is pretty exciting.

I love my home, my family, and where I am from but I am ready for a change. I think this was a long time coming, especially after I realized I have to postpone my dream of going to Europe for who knows how long.

Anyway, I am just getting ready for a big trip. I went shopping this weekend for some new professional clothing, and i am really happy with my purchases. I am not naturally a fashion forward person, but I really want to try this year. It is hard! All that I really need is a pair of black boots, a hand bag, and a LBT (little black dress for you boys reading this).

I found out this week that the car service we are using to ship out our car will only allow me to bring about two bags worth of stuff. So, I basically can only bring what I can carry. Some clothes, and my computer/printer, and an aero-bed. That's it I think.

I know that I will be sleeping on an air mattress for the next few months till I can afford a bed of my own. The thought of even owning a bed outside of my childhood room is actually really exciting! I cannot wait to paint my room and make it my own. To have my own place.

The more I think about it, it seems I am actually moving to gain my independence back. I will be on my own once again, and I am ready to try it. My life is not going anywhere here at home. I have an amazingly supportive family, but no social life. I have been feeling so isolated and alone lately. I will explain that more in another post.

Anyway, I am getting really excited about the move coming up next week. But that also means, I have a lot of last minute things I want to do at home. That list includes: seeing a musical with my friend (Wednesday), watching Alice and eating dinner with my mentor and family friend (Thursday), going to the MOMA to see Tim Burton's exhibit (Friday), Visitng my good friend in South Jersey and babysitting at night (Sat), then packing sunday and monday...off to CA TUESDAY!

It will go by so fast. This is the first week that I actually have something planned for the next few days. I love having an agenda again!

My mom told me something yesterday, about the move, and it really touched me. She said that I am going to have a great and fascinating life ahead of me. I really hope that is true. I do not want to just sit idly by and see difference opportunities fly away. I want to experience things in this world not many people get to do. I want a well-rounded, fun story-telling life. After all, that is the business I am entering into. I just wish it becomes as good as I dream it will be.

So one week, 7 nights, 6 days, that is all I have left in Chatham, NJ. Wow, here it goes. I trust God and what will happen, but it still doesn't mean I don't have my reservations. I just hope I find a step in the right direction to a career of good fortune and a way to find and discover who I really am as a professional worker. YAY!

Until then...Goodnight.

Expect to Much?

One of the greatest relationships in my life, or the most sacred to me, are my friendships. I have been blessed to have many friends in my life, although that was never the case in my early childhood. I moved around many times before settling in NJ. By the age of ten, I moved 8 times, including Japan, and went to 15 different schools. Crazy I know, but that was my life. That is why my family is so close, and that is also a reason why I value friendships.

It was so hard to make friends for me because I knew I was going to leave them at some point. I know that being an independent and slightly odd kid never helped, but it was really hard to make and keep a friend. Luckily we settled in NJ, and I was really able to find a select core of girl friends. Some last till this day, others do not. In college, I made a handful of friends, but only one or two that are lasting friendships. Then of course, Disney, happened. I have a core group of 20 or so people that I talk to on a regular basis, and they have all enriched my lives tremendously. It amazes me within the last 3 years, my friends' geographical locations have spread from Chatham, NJ all the way into international borders in Brazil, Dominican Republic, Germany, Norway, New Zealand and Australia. That amazes me, I am truly blessed.

However, despite how rich in location I am with friends, I would really only say I have 5 core, best friends, who are my closest confidants (you know who you are). I am unsure if these 5 people are aware, but I keep my friendships at a high level because I never take a friendship for granted. To be a best friend comes with responsibility as well as exciting times and great joy. I would be lost without my best friends, I owe them everything. I would definitely not be the person I am today were it not for those who have stuck by me.

Having that be said, I have come to realize that maybe I am expecting way too much from my friends. I come from a family of high expectations and I have carried that into my relationships. I don't mean for it to happen, it's just automatic.

I feel I am a really good friend. I deeply care for them, and I would do anything for them. I make my affections known fairly often, especially in times of great distance, and I try hard to keep in touch as often as possible. I know that I make a good friend, and I feel that is one of my life's greatest duties. I just hope that my friends would do that for me in return.

Lately, I have been having a lot of excessive thought about my friendships. I think the move to LA is getting me really, really nervous because I am leaving my best friends and family behind for the unknown future. I just want to make sure that everything at home is good and stable before I leave, because if my core foundation is solid, then I can be solid away from home.

I have been realizing just how different each of my core friendships are from one another. I was told recently that "each friendship fills a different role in our lives", so naturally, each one varies. I must agree with this. One friend is the goofy, silly person to laugh with, as another is based on guidance and helps evaluate life's situations, while another is a friendship of venting about family, issues etc. And since each one has a different role, the frequency of which I talk to them also varies. With some of my best friends, I can go a few weeks to two months without talking. It doesn't mean anything is wrong, it just means we are balanced and alright with where we stand.

I don't have to talk to some person every single day, yet, with other friendships, it really bothers me if I do not talk to them at least once a week. One of my most cherished friendships is just that. I get mad if I don't hear from that person after a few days. And I get mad that I get mad! It shouldn't bother me if I don't hear from someone as often as I would like; but it does. I guess I just get scared of the distance, especially when I know there was no distance in the past. I don't like the idea of not knowing what is going on in my friend's life, not matter who it is.

This also brings up another point... The difference between girl and guy friends is something I am still learning. I never really had any real guy friends, so when I found some in college, I treated them with the same expectations I had with any of my girl friendships. Was this wrong? I still don't know. I have come to realize that boys are just wayyyyy more private than girls are, and guys don't like to chat about stuff. For a girl, this is the core of the friendship...being able to confide in one another. I am still learning that guys usually just want someone to hang with rather than respond too. Does that seem accurate?

If that is true, then I cannot help but get insecure of how the friendship will last if I move away. If I am no longer physically near my guy friends, are they going to stop talking to me? I hope not, that is why I like to hear exactly how they feel about the situation. Is that asking too much?

I think I do have expectations that are really high for my friendships, because I know I would be that person in return. If I would be there for someone, I would expect they do the same. Maybe I should just hope. I have gotten burned in the past a lot with this issue. Keeping in touch, which I am awesome at, and others are not. When do I become overbearing or too intrusive? For a girl, it is really hard to be too intrusive or trying too hard to keep in touch. However, with a guy... I think that anything can almost be taken as too intrusive. I am struggling to find this balance.

One of the hardest things for me to admit to myself is that I cannot make someone change. I cannot make them be friends with me. I have learned this the hard way many times through trying to befriend the popular click in middle school, the theater click in high school, trying to get my hs crush to be a meaningful friendship today, etc.

If I lose a friend, I need to learn to just let it go, and I can't. I cannot let people leave or exit my life. They have come into it, so naturally, they must stay. I cannot let things go. When I feel a friend becomes more distant, I do not accept it and give them space, I try everything in my power to fix the situation. This includes phone calls, texts, emails, anything to keep them close.

It is the worst feeling knowing someone is slipping away, and I am powerless to stop it. This powerless feeling is what I fear, it is what I want to avoid. Thus, I try stay active in my friend's life. I fear being alone and friendless.

I know this may be a bit possessive, and I am working on it. As of right now, I am trying really hard to keep my friendships at a balanced level. It is hard with temptations like FB, and Twitter, and Gchat, AIM and others. It is so easy to follow what is going on in your life electronically, but I miss hearing your voice. The voice is the best and truest form of communication. For my girls, we have a mutual understanding that is implied in our relationship of when to talk. I am not concerned for my girl friendships to last.

As for my guys, I am trying to relax and not be all up in your business. I do not want to lose you at all, but it makes it hard not knowing how you feel about the situation. If I am overbearing, I am sorry; I am not as uptight as I used to be. I send the occasional text, but that's it. Please know that I do not mean any harm, I am just trying to look out for you like any friend would. My friendships are sooo important to me, that I do not want them to end. I hate knowing that things change, people change, and life changes, but if the friendship is true, it will last through anything. I just hate not being around you all the time because friends are my family, and I always miss you.

Based on that, do I have high expectations? I guess I do. The expectation to keep in touch, to talk, to update me when something big happens, yea i guess that is a lot. I just like to know that I am important to someone. I like being the one you confide in. I love the idea of knowing someone so well that they eventually know you better than you know yourself. Obviously, I could talk about this for hours, but I will spare you.

I miss you all. I miss my 5 closest friends, who range in location from RI, AL, FL, and MA, at all times. As for my other friends, Thank you for everything. One of my favorite songs from Wicked reflects on friendship, and I feel it is very fitting. I have left the lyrics for you to read.

Wicked - For Good

(Elphaba) I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...

(Glinda) I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda) Because I knew you

(Both) I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda) Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba) Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both) Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda) And because I knew you...

(Elphaba) Because I knew you...

(Both) Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

Step in the Right Direction?

It seems my blog posts have started to slow down a bit. I don't intend for that to happen, but sometimes it takes a lot to sit here and just type, especially if I don't feel like it. I am trying to get it back to once a day or twice a day, but it hasn't been that easy. Just take that as a disclaimer I guess.

Now for the post. I have been having a few more solemn emotions running through my head the last few days because I think reality is starting to come into the picture. I know that I have less than two weeks today till I go out west. That is still some time, but I am starting to realize the pressure of the move and I am getting a bit nervous and anxious.

Am I really sure this is the right move? Am I being crazy or is this what is supposed to happen? I believe everything happens for a reason, but it still does not account for some doubt. And by doing this, am I going in the right direction or is this the first step on the road to disaster? I know that I need to make this move, but I am not as sure about it as I was when I bought the ticket. I blame my conscience.

It seemed last week that all of the pieces came together in terms of transportation, housing and a potential job, but now it is a bit shaky. Regardless as to what happens in the job world, I see it as a stepping stone to where I want to go and an experience to meet other contacts. However, what if I fail at getting to where I want to be? Ugh. The thoughts just keep on going. I will leave that for another blog post.

Anyway, I am just starting to question the very move of getting me out of redundant suburbian life. I am soooo excited one day, and that scared @#&*less the next. I cannot imagine what will come in the following few days.

Am I ready to struggle? I am using my life savings on this "adventure". My dad put it as I am "investing in myself to chase my dream." Yea, that sounds good. I am actually chasing my dream. How many people really get to say that in their lifetime? I never thought of it like that because I just felt it was the natural direction life was pulling me towards and I had to do it. I guess it is a choice.

With that said, my family is starting to get a little bit more sentimental about the move too. The other night, I made my dad watch Harry Potter 6, although not his favorite, I knew he secretly liked it. He ended up saying, "Thanks for the movie. I enjoyed it seeing it with you, because you know I won't be able to do that much longer." It's not like I am moving away forever. Who knows, I could just fail and then I will come back home. My mom sent me a text last night out of the blue saying "wuv woo." That is her own special code of being affectionate. I do not come from a very affectionate family, and my family keeps a lot of their close feelings private. So when I hear small things like that, they have bigger impact.

I never considered this move as "leaving the nest." In fact, I feel as if I have never left. I have always ended back at square one. I guess this is leaving the nest, but when you say that, you make it feel more epic than it needs to be. I come home every three months anyway, because I hate being away from my family that long. I am such a family oriented girl, and being away from them is hard. We definitely have our arguments and differences, but they are my family nonetheless. Even my grandmother told me last night that I am leaving for a long time because if I get a job, coming home for a weekend from 3,000 miles away is not that easy. I know she is right, I just don't want to admit it.

I will miss home, my pets, my family, my grandmother, but I have to do this. If I don't try, then what good was my life? I need to go after the "impossible", as many tell me. I am not one to just see life pass me by. It is also comforting to know, that if I do fail, I can come home, but also Orlando will always be there for me.

Who knows what is going to happen in the upcoming months, but I trust my faith, and I am looking forward to the unknown, unpredictable ride ahead. I just hope this ride takes me in the right direction. I have no map, no set destination, just the various roads that will take me there. Wish my GPS would work and give this journey a set path. Who knows, maybe there already is a set path, and I am just about to get in the car.

Time to be Productive!

It is March First!! It is a start of a new month, but it is also a start of an approaching deadline. I cannot believe that I am leaving for LA in two and a half weeks! eeeeek! I am so excited, but I am also really nervous, but I won't worry about that now; that's a later post.

Since it is the start of March, that means I have 16 days, 16 days to do a lot of things and get ready to go. I love having deadlines set before me because it makes me manage my time a lot better. Throughout the month of February, I have been doing basically nothing around the house. I just don't have a reason to get up early, and I can take my time on working on my projects. But this lackadaisical lifestyle is coming to its end. It is time to be productive!!

I now see that I have a lot to organize and do before the 16th. I am really excited to feel like I have something to work for during the day, no matter how small the task. For example, I have to find a pair of black boots. Not a big deal, but something I need to get done.

I started having a good productive day yesterday by working on about three projects I have yet to finish, including my Found and Lost on Facebook. I'll get to that later.

I have my list of things to do below, so don't judge me, but I am an obsessive list maker. I am now looking forward to getting a new start with my day. My "whatever" days are behind me as of this morning. Finally motivated again, somewhat. Looking to the future and hoping it will all come together. :D

To Do List:

- Finish Blog posts (both blogs, esp this one ( I have a list of what to write))

- Finish Life Goals project

- Finish Pirate Scrapbook

- Finish Movie Tray

- Get Found and Lost started

- wash white blanket

- pack for LA

- Organize car shipment

- Finalize LA (job?) plans

- Go Shopping for deeply needed clothes (boots, professional, make-up, etc...)

- work out every day to get in shape

I think that's it for now in broad details. Let's get started! First I need to get out of my pajamas.