Well, anyway, one of the major things that I have been considering is where I am as a person. I feel like I am such a girl at heart, but the world doesn't always like that. But I feel so far from a woman because I know I have a lot of growing up to do.
I guess a lot of this comes from my first relationship, where I realize that I was not as prepared to handle certain situations the right way. Looking at it now, I see that how I act a lot of times around people is how I think they want me to react. I don't always react based on how I feel nor do I really say how I feel.
I remember last year I wrote in my other blog (Tumblr) an entry on how being brave is one trait I wish to have. This is a great example of how I don't have it. Being able to tell someone how I really feel on a situation, especially if it involves them, is not easy for me to do. So what I do instead is hold my tongue, act cool and try to remain level headed. I had the idea that no conflict means nothing is wrong, and this so isn't true. I never want to be the one to rock the boat because of how I am feeling, but I guess in the long run, holding things in is ultimately causing issues. I think realizing this is one way I have grown in the last year.
It seems like an obvious concept, but saying how you feel to someone seems like such an adult way of behaving. The kid inside of my, or the unexperienced girl in life, just wants to hide from dealing with this, but the adult side of me knows I need to face it head on. I am just afraid too.
That is just one example of how I feel torn on where I am as a person. I want to remain a kid at heart for the rest of my life. Yes, I enjoy kids activities: coloring, painting, mini-golfing, disneyland, building forts, getting ice cream, making crafts, etc. I pray that there is never a day I don't enjoy them. But does liking/participating in kid's activities make me less of a "woman"?
To be honest, I don't even like calling myself a "woman" because it sounds old, and I am really insecure about it. Just in my last post, I refer to my friends and I as "young women" for the first time ever. I like the idea of being considered young and enthusiastic about life. I just don't see myself as an adult quite yet.
That leads me to my next question, what is it that defines a woman as a woman? Is it having a husband, house and kids? Is it having her own career, being an independent person in life? Is it defined on age alone? If it is, what age is it? In this country age 18 is when you are an adult, but yet, I was never called a woman at age 18. I was called "young lady", even today this holds true. Back 200 years ago, age 14 or 15 was basically a woman because girls were expected to marry.
I guess I am lost in what I feel a true woman is. In my mind, I think being a woman involves being of a certain maturity with decent life experience under your belt where you know how you believe, think, and feel about certain situations. She knows how to truly be herself but also not just keep herself together but hold a family/friends together as well. A true woman is confident and strong, and knows how to read, interpret, and reach out to those she knows best without talking.
I can honestly say, that I am not there. Nor am I certain I will ever be there, but in our society, how do we know someone has crossed that bridge? This may be a side note, but I just wish our society really had great women roles models in pop culture. I hate seeing all the "women fighting" shows like Real Housewives or Bad Girl's Club, etc. That is such a conflicting message where grown women act like middle schoolers. I know as a future woman, that is nothing I aspire too, and I wish young girls also realize that. Maybe that contributes to why I feel confused myself.
Alright I think I made my point. I have been doing a lot of thinking about where I am on the "growing up" scale of life. I know I am a girl in many, many ways, but I am also becoming my own person. I still remain innocent about a lot of the ways of the world but at the same time, I am starting to understand how this world works or doesn't work. Girl or woman, I am liking who I am becoming, and I hope others see that. But when I return home for now, I know a few of my family members will call me a grown "woman" and I just at the thought of that, I shrink into a ball like a little girl, thus disproving their point on the spot. Sometimes I just wish Peter Pan would come and wisk me away right now towards Neverland and away from the adult world. :D
Until then... keep dreaming!
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