Church Retreat

Hey Bloggers,

I just wanted to tell you about my church retreat this weekend.  I know some of you don't like to read anything dealing with religion, so if that's true, do not read this post and stop here.

I was not sure what to expect from this weekend.  I don't even remember if I had ever been on a church retreat at all.  This whole idea of going on a weekend trip with many adults I do not know was a bit intimidating to me.  It really pushed myself out of my comfort zone.

Let me back up a bit.  I mentioned in a few posts back how I am starting to get back involved with a church in Bel Air called Bel Air Presbyterian.  This has been a good church for the most part, but it is very Hollywood.  This was Ronald Reagan's church, and on Christmas Eve, Megan Fox sat behind me.  If that isn't Hollywood, then what is?  Anyway, the church is great, but it is so much more flashy and "interactive" than what I am used too.  However, with that said, everyone is really nice.  There is a young adult service on Tuesdays called Foundry, and this is the group with which I went on the retreat.

Our retreat was up in Ojai, California which is about 1.5 hours north of LA near Santa Barbara.  This are is beautiful and surrounded by horse ranches and cattle farms in the mountains.  What is interesting is you are only about 5 miles or so inland from the Pacific, but you would never know it.

The retreat was very much like camp.  I had cabins and roommates and attended worship services on our first night.   The first night, there were about 100 campers, and I knew only one or two.  We were later split into small groups, which was always something I have been very intimidated by.  I have always found talking in small groups much more intimidating than larger crowds.  Now here I had to talk to these 4 women about something that was so personal to me and something I never really talk about anyway.  So the first night was just getting used to it all.

Saturday was a great day.  We had breakfast at 8:30 in the morning and then listened to our first sermon.  We had a great speaker who was funny and witty, but he talked about whether we were living our faith as orphans or as sons.  It took me a while to understand this message, but I can surely say now I get it.  He was talking about being proud of our relationship with God and taking pride in how He fills us in our life.  This was a message I really needed to hear.

I realized I need to be more involved with my faith, not just by going to church on Sundays but by really trying to involve God and talking to him as I would my family, not because I have too but because I want too.  This really hit home for me.

During the day, the campers were free to do any activities we wanted in hopes that it was time getting to know with one another and spending with God.  I went on a hike to the top of the mountain where a cross was, and then did a quick zip line down the hill.  I also played basketball, volleyball, and did a rock climbing wall.  The rock climbing wall was definitely a challenge, but I eventually made it to the top, and I was really proud of myself.  Then before dinner, I tried to spend some alone time just enjoying the area and trying to sort out things in my head.

Saturday night, we had one tough night.  We touched the subject of pain and what its purpose was in our life.  I was not prepared to get as emotional as I did.  I ended up crying during the music part of worship and when we split into small groups, some of us were a mess.  I guess I had to really face my insecurities and fears dead on and address them.  This was really hard.  We talked about topics I didn't want to touch, but there they were.  I guess it was meant to be.  At the end of the night, I felt like a whole weight was lifted off of me and I got great perspective at how to look at areas in my life that have been really bothering me.  I am really grateful for that.

Then Sunday morning, we had our final worship service.  We just summarized our lessons together with communion and left knowing we had a stronger faith than when we came.  This retreat was totally worth it, and I feel like I am actually relieved of a lot of the pressures I came with.  I feel like I am in a good place now, and I have God to thank for that.

So now, I am entering my week feeling relaxed and excited to see what happens.  I will keep you posted.

Until then.. night!

Awesome Work Perks - Classes, Concerts, Food Galore!

Hey bloggers!

I wanted to take the time to just update you on some great opportunities I have had while working at work.  There are many reasons why I love working for Disney, but one of the things they are great at are offering activities to their employers.

Disney is really big about educating and enhancing the knowledge base of their employees because the smarter they are better business will result.  Since I have started two months ago, I have had so many cool things come my way.

First, I am interested in being responsible for acting or responding if an emergency, like an earthquake, were to happen.  In order to become that responder, I need to take certain training classes that vary from CPR and first aid to knowing how to use a fire extinguisher.

Since things have been relatively slow lately, I have been able to take advantage of my time and take some of these classes.  I already got certified for Adult CPR, X-ray radiation awareness, and this week I took the fire extinguisher class.  I literally went to the top of our parking garage and went after a fire and just sprayed it out!  That was awesome!  I was going to take First Aid, but conflicts arose.  I am registered for about 5 other classes like Bloodborne pathogens as well.  Other classes within Disney are computer training classes like Excel, Word, and Power Point.  I haven't taken them, but it's great to know they are there.

There are also really cool treats at work.  We have a cereal bar that contains about 10 types of cereal from sugar cereals to healthy ones.  I just concocted a recent mix of Cocoa Krispies and Honey Nut Cheerios this week.  Delicious!!  On Wednesdays during the summer, there were summer afternoon treats.  These treats varied from Jamba Juice to weird flavored ice cream trucks (i.e. Donut Flavored and Bacon Pancake flavored).  We also have bagel Fridays every week.  Bagels are not that good out west, but these are really decent!  So in all, I really do not have to pay for food for breakfast, and it has helped my grocery bill a lot!

Weekly movie screenings have also become a great perk!  This week I watched Ryan Gosling's Drive in our local theater room.  That movie was really intense but good.  Two weeks ago, Lion King 3D was shown, and next week will be Moneyball and Reel Steel... for Free!  I have also had the chance to check out some movies from the movie library.  I have seen Touching the Void, A League of Their Own, and a few others.

For the duration of October, we have had the "Studio Close-Up" program.  These classes are taking some executives in various departments of the company giving lectures about what they do and how it effects the company, so we can learn more about the various roles.  For example, this week someone from Walt Disney Imagineering talked about their process of Innovation and Creation within their future projects and work environment.  I also took a Pinhole Photography class as it is one of the animator's hobby and he showed us how to make them and take the picture.  We are developing our three photos on Monday, so I hope mine turn out alright.

Even within animation, there are weekly drawing classes available to anyone who wants them in the company.  I have not yet attended these classes, but I would certainly love to try.  They are usually a costume drawing class and a live-model class.  I hope to take one soon.  We also have guest speakers that come through.  This week, we had an established book publisher speak, and I listened to a man named Dr. Snow give a lecture.  He had his whole career based on the patterns snow, so he was able to describe its behaviors, textiles, and appearances for every situation and it was fascinating!

Then finally, there are concerts.  Last summer, I saw the Plain White T's perform (Disney signed band), and this week I saw Gizmo in person, and they were just recently on late night I believe.  These are small intimate concerts with bands that are within the Disney family or are just trying to spread word out.  I liked Gizmo a lot, so I hope to see them become successful someday.

So yea, this is a pretty awesome place to work.  So even on a slow day, one can always be entertained. I love how I can learn awareness of other fields, departments, industries all within the same company.  It almost feels like being able to take advantage of opportunities around you is its own job because you cannot keep up with it all.

Anyway, maybe next week I will take a drawing class?  Hmmm... :D

Sister, Sister

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my sister and our relationship for the last few weeks.  I attended a group meeting a few weeks ago where about 30 women talked about their relationship with their sisters were exploring the idea of sisters and what it meant to be one.  This really got me thinking as I listened to the other women's stories about their sister(s), and opened my eyes to just how similar sisters are, and just how much mine meant to me. 

This is not meant to be a mushy, gushy entry, but just one of appreciation.  My sister and I have a great relationship, and out relationship has become one of the most sacred relationships of my life.  I have never really had the opportunity to really think about it and examine it with other people, and it was a really great eye opener.  At the end of the meeting, I was so inspired by everyone's stories, I typed over 5 pages of notes regarding the universal points of a sister relationship and how it pertained to mine.  I figured I would share some of my points with you.

I figured there were 2 sides to a sister relationship: the way you support each other and the way you irritate each other.  I am the oldest of 4 kids, but I have only one sister.  She is almost 5 years younger than me.  So based on my experiences growing up with her, I figured these were our major dynamics to our relationship.

Support:

*  Our Own Clique:  We are our own group within the family dynamic and we share secrets/thoughts.

*  Momma Bear Protection:  If it was needed, I would protect her from anyone that came to harm her.

*  I Know Her True Self:  you both truly know each other inside and out.  I know exactly how my sister will react to certain situations before they happen.  I know what her pet peeves are, and how to read her without a word being said. 

*  I Can Get Through To Her:  Since I know how she behaves, I also know how to talk to her.   Sometimes we are faced with an honest truth we don’t want to hear, but someone needs to say it.   

*  Enjoying Company/Shared Interests

*  It is almost like we are each other’s battery life- we keep each other going and when down, the other picks us back up.

*  Constant Admiration and Motivation

*  She is Always There:  Through thick and thin, I know in the end that my sister will be there for me.

Issues:

*  Different Personalities: we may have the same parents, but we are not the same person

*  Sweat the Small Stuff:  small quirks often irritate you for no reason because you are so close to her.

*  Age Difference Matters:  sometimes it was hard to relate to her as I grew up or even talk to her because she was not going through things I was.  What does a 14 year old have in common with a 9 year old?

*  Attention Stealer:  the youngest child usually gets more attention growing up, just plain and simple.

*  Freedom:  the oldest is usually more over protected and the youngest gets away with a lot.

There were a few other points, but I didn't feel like sharing them in this format.  I think you get the idea though.  There are issues in every relationship, but for sisters, no matter how sour the relationship becomes, it can always be redeemed.  No hope is ever completely lost.

Overall, my sister relationship is amazing.  Even today, we have been texting back and forwards as she is traveling with her team to the airport to play a volleyball game against Syracuse.

I guess it is also fitting to publish this today because it is her 20th birthday today.  She is no longer a teenager, and so now, all 4 of us are in our 20s!  Her birthday is actually the exact two-month mark from my birthday, so I know the year is coming to an end quickly.  Wow, we sound so old!!  I remember just ten years ago believing there would never be a day Casey could understand me, but look at is now.  I really love my sister, and I wish her all the success and happiness in the world.  

Happy Birthday Casey!!  I wish you all the best and a Happy Birthday!  I cannot wait to see you in just about 2 months time for the holidays!!  Miss you and love you!!

- Your big sis!

Adjusting and Stabilizing Life

Hey Bloggers,

I hope you are all having a good week this week.  I know I updated you on a lot of thoughts and topics last week, so I wanted to rest and come back this week with more to catch up on.  Being that my last entry was about my new beginning and new start, I figured I would just catch up on how I am adjusting to my new work life and schedule.

Well, to jump right into it, my official start date was August 1st, and my first week was quite interesting as a lot was happening.  I basically got thrown into the busy side of things and met everyone on my team.  I love everyone I work with; they are all so nice.  I had some immediate observations of the differences between the animation word and live action, which I will list at the end.

There were a few strange twist of events, that suprised me my first week.  One was my team leaders are huge fans of Conan!  Who knew?  Once I told them I interned for him, they all freaked out.  It is amazing to me that leading directors, writers and artists are fans of others just as much as I am.  In addition, I found out one of the PAs is someone I used to work FOR as an intern over 2 years ago.  This just comes to show you, you never know who you will meet, where you will go, and what you will do in this town.  It further proves the point you should NOT burn bridges because you never know when you will work with them again.

Also my first week was really busy.  I was just thrown into a busy schedule, which felt amazing.  Just having a job and a purpose to wake up in the morning was really exciting my first few days.  I really love my team, the project I'm on, and the potential of where this can lead.  One down side to my first week was I broke up with my boyfriend within the first few days of working, which was not fun, and not the best way to start a new job.  I mentioned this in previous posts, but stay tuned...

The rest of August was similar to my first week.  It was just adjusting to the differences between live action and animation, adjusting to the pace, meeting many new people from PAs to the President of the Studio, and getting to understand my role and voice within the group.  I am always self-conscious about raising my voice because I do not want to overstep anyone's boundaries, but my team is open to me saying things, which is unusual for a PA position, so I just need to find the proper balance.  However, I feel that I have adjusted nicely, and I loved being thrown into the busy times!

Then September came.  This month was about settling my personal business with the benefits and such.  I enrolled in my insurances for medical, vision, dental, etc, and found a chiropractor for my back.  I set up appointments and my finance accounts as well as future financial goals for the next year or so.  I never knew how long personal insurance and finances could take.  I really do not understand any terminology for insurance, so I am just asking questions to anyone and everyone so I can try to understand how it all works.  Sometimes I feel way to overwhelmed to figure out how the world works, but I must in order to survive independently.  These are the "real life" things college never teaches you.  Thank God for my parents' help.

Another personal note continued from before........since September, I have been hanging out with my former boyfriend again!  I really missed him.  I am just happy that he wants to be in my life regardless of what happens to us, and I agree completely.  I love being able to do the activities we enjoy again like football games, hiking, day trips, movie watching, music sharing and random attempts at homemade dinner meals.  I don't know what will happen, but I am taking my new focus and just trying to enjoy the moment as it comes, which is really hard to do and not worry about the future, but I just want to be present as much as I can.

As for work, although it has been slow, I have been able to expand my network of people, get to meet some of the other PAs, and really just try to settle myself into the office.  It is weird when I get job postings to my email, and I realize I do not have to look for them anymore!  One aspect I really love about my job is being my own person, meaning, I am not someone's personal assistant.  I am in charge of my own schedule, I can leave for lunch when I want and go where I want, and that is NOT a luxury people my age have in this industry mostly ever.  I know how lucky I am to have it this way.

And now, it is October!  Where did the time go?  I have already been working over two months now, and it has gone fast.  I am still learning all about the animation world and my future with it is unknown, but for now, I am really liking it.  As far as going to the gym, it has been harder to go more so than I thought.  I am trying to make a routine for my social life, but it is not always constant.  I try to go to the gym 3-5 times a week, but for the first month is was about once a week, and boy I felt it!

More recently, I have also gotten back involved in my church life.  I am starting to attend regularly to Bel Air Presbyterian Church because they have a great young adult following.  I go on Tuesdays to their young adult service and then on Sundays to attend normal worship.  I am going on a retreat this weekend to Ojai to meet others and explore other facets of my faith as well as the church.  This church is not like my home church, so it is taking some getting used too, but I love having this stability back in my life again.  It keeps me grounded.  I am nervous about the retreat this weekend, but I hope it will be fun!  I will let you know how it goes.

These last two months have, overall, been about adjusting and stabilizing myself into a routine/a schedule, but it has been really inconsistent right now.  I look forward to when I am settled in my "work-gym/church-dinner-tv/crafts" routine.  I just need to take care of personal business before I can do my crafts, and I am almost there.

I can honestly say that right now, although life is not perfect, I am getting closer to where I want to be with things.  Life is pretty good right now, and I am enjoying that because I remember just how tough it was just 3 months ago.  I love having a purpose with each day and having a sense of direction.  I really like my job, my co-workers, my developing social life, and my few close friends, and that is a good place to be right now.  I am now content with what I have, and I am trying to work with it. I am adjusting and I am stabilizing.

Until next time...

PS.  here is a list of the first immediate differences I have noticed within my first two months at work.  More will come, but these are based on my immediate reaction.

Differences between Animation and Live Action:
* Trust in the creative process - production heads take more of a "stand back" approach to the development of the film totally understanding the creative process will happen naturally.
* More equal team effort - everyone has a voice to be heard, all are consulted for ideas.
* Slower decision making - with years in production, decisions are not weighted as heavily or are nearly as rushed
* Non-rushed Deadlines - I can take my time with tasks because they need time to be completed & assignments are not needed immediately
* More details and questions - every detail is paid attention too because they have the time to attend to them.  More questions are asked about character and plot than live action because they are not as rushed.
*  Artistic Environment - there are paintings and artwork on every wall of the building.  I am surrounded by color and characters.  I cannot get over how much creativity I am surrounded by each day.
*  Not as corporate - clothes are based on personal style and experession... or just jeans and a t-shirt.  No corporate look, professional behavior, everyone acts buddy-buddy.

A New Beginning, A New Focus, A New Year, A New Routine

I have been looking forward to publishing this entry since the moment I wrote it on my first day of work in August. I am excited because for the first time, I am starting to feel like I have a new beginning, and with that a new focus on life that I am trying to attempt.

Over the past two years of struggling and job searching, I have not been able to participate and do some of the activities I have been wanting to do because I could not afford them. I put everything on the line for my career, including leaving my family. Well, now that I have my job, I feel like I can refocus my life and start over.

My new focus is: enjoying each day as it comes, try to live in the present, and try to better myself as a person physically, spiritually, mentally and socially. This may sound very simple and easy to implement, but it is actually quite hard.

First, as I said in the previous few entries, I have a very analytical brain. I analyze every situation sometimes to the point of obsessing, and it is a very natural process for me. This is also my down fall. It was almost my downfall in taking the job at Disney, it was almost my downfall in my first relationship as reasons not to pursue it, and now, it can be my downfall on how I enjoy life. I have come to realize that I live and plan way to much into the future (this will be another blog post coming up, just fyi), reasons will be for another day. But essentially, everything from high school until now was always about the future, or the next step. It was graduating high school, getting internships, graduating college, getting the job, etc. Now that i have the job, I don't have another step for a while to come except for my own personal goals like finding my own apartment or space to call my own.

Knowing that I don't have another immediate step for a while, I want to just breathe and relax for once and celebrate the fact that I am okay for right now. Everything was so tense with the job hunt and just trying to survive. I want to be able to slow down and be in the present because they future does not have to be figured out yet, or at least that is what I keep telling myself.

So in order for me to try and relax and enjoy life, I need to live in the now. I need to just learn to go with the flow and take it all as it comes. Being that this is so against my nature, I know it is going to be really hard. I just want to take this next year of my life and better myself as much as possible.

Physically, I want to get my body into good shape and treat it well. I will go back to strengthening my back as much as possible, hopefully by going to the gym 5 times a week ideally. I also need to take a better investment in my nutrition. It is not that I eat unhealthy, but I just don't put a good effort into trying to eat well. At this point I go grocery shopping until my food runs out, so what I end up eating are snack foods and not healthy choices. I need to refocus my nutritional habits especially for dinners. My breakfast and lunches are healthy, but my dinners are when I eat the worst: cereal, quesadillas, sandwiches, english muffins, pretty much non-meal foods.

Another physical point will be going to the doctor. I have not gone to the doctor in over two years because my insurance only covered me in NJ. Now that I get insurance benefits through work, I can go to the dentist, the chiropractor, various other doctors to check up on my health. I can now make this a good priority.

I am also trying to improve how I appear physically in daily life. I am not just talking about the gym, but I am talking about my fashion choices and makeup... the girly stuff. I need to go out and get heels, and try new shoes. I want to try new appearances and become my own image/voice.

Mentally, I want to reduce the amount of stress in my life (mostly from the job search), and just reducing the expectations on myself and the hurry to accomplish things. I just want to do so much that I become my own worst enemy, and this is not healthy. I need to be realistic, do my own projects, and just try to take it as it comes. Hopefully that is possible for me.

Spiritually, I want to get involved with the church I have started to attend regularly. I have been going on Sundays now for the last few weeks, and I really like it. They have a young adult program on Tuesday nights, so I want to make that a reugular event for me. I want to attend church retreats and volunteer for some organizations or events.

Socially, that is pretty self explanatory. Now that I have a small income, I can afford a drink or two, or maybe a day trip to the San Diego Zoo, etc. I want to be able to travel to different places in California and see what is around me instead of living in my apartment bubble.

So overall, this first real year into my career, I want to be able to settle myself a little bit. Take life as it comes. This new change in mentality is a huge deal because it is going to force myself to not get caught up in the future and just enjoy now, which I think I owe it to myself.

To summarize how I want to improve myself, I made a list of some weekly goals for myself:

* Read a book a month

* Complete a craft a week

* Church group on Tuesdays

* Gym/Excercise 5x a week

* Church on Sundays

* Blog OE once a week, and Tumblr for 30 min/day

* Bake treats once a week

* Make a real dinner once a week

* Take daily multi-vitamins

* Floss everyday

* Catch up on weekly magazines

* Become confident in all aspects of my life

Other future goals:

* Go home every 3 or so months if money allows

* Go to Orlando asap

* Read the Bible the whole way through (a life goal of mine)

* Finish Crafts

* Save for future room and apartment (maybe by new year of 2012?)

* See all doctors for health exams

* Take Classes at work for first aid and emergency training

* Take an ASL class at some point.

I think that is it for now. I am trying not to make unrealistic goals for me within this next year, but I feel this is a new beginning of a new year with a new focus and new activities which will make a new routine. I just need to learn not to rush life, and that is a huge challenge. I just hope I can apply it to all aspects of my life. Let's just hope I can stick to it.

I Know What I'm Talking About

One of the experiences while I was home in July that was truly cool to witness was helping my brother prepare for his first internship interview. He had an amazing opportunity presented to work for NBC, and he was basically going in with nothing.

Being the amazing older sister that I am (ego stroke here), I wanted to help him out with preparing for the interview. Of course, we didn't do this until midnight - 2am the night before the interview, but oh well, help is help right?

At first, I was so surprised about how little he knew about the job process. He had our Dad construct a resume for him, and had no idea what to expect for the interview itself. I was floored at how little he knew. How was this possible from a senior in college? At his age, I had already completed 6 internships and had probably been through 10 versions of my resume. Not knowing anything about the job interview process was not anything I could relate too.

So I sat down with him and went over his resume and told him what type of questions to exepct from the interview. I did role play and asked him questions that I figured would have been asked, and sure enough, when he returned home the next morning, he said all the questions they asked were what I quizzed him on that night. I basically was like, "See! I know what I'm talking about!!! Boosh!!" But I didn't.

I did take in the great pride that I knew exactly how that worked and just how qualified I really was. I guess knowing I had finished my internship with Conan 6 months prior and knowing how to conduct an interview proved to me that I am beyond that stage in my life and ready for a real job.

I was proud of my over-qualifications, but I was really proud on how I was able to get my brother to listen to me. It is really neat seeing him go through what I did just a few years later. I just wish I had the same help he had going into it.

So for anyone out there who wants internship advice... ask me! Haha, maybe that could be my fall back career if I fail out here.

Anyway, it turns out that he got a call back a few days later for a second interview, and then he got the offer! So now, he is gaining his first real work experience, and I am really proud of him. Way to go, Eric! I guess now we need to prepare him for an actualy job.... not sureif i qualify yet to help out on that one.

Until then...

My trip Home - Working in NYC

Alright, so I am going to make this post about my trip home three months ago in July. I haven't written about it since I was hired, and I have been meaning too. I really just wanted to write about my experiences working in NYC and seeing other productions.

I went home my last week in July to work on The Voice for the NYC auditions. The audition process was two days long, and it was a great one at that. Despite having a crew call time at 6am, I was upbeat and ready to work. Over the course of the two days, it was record breaking temperatures of over 107 degrees! Luckily, I was inside, but there were still some 16,000 people that showed up just for the chance to audition. On my first day, I was in the right place at the right time, where I actually got to see the auditions in the audition rooms, and that was a great experience to witness. Some singers were better than others, and some were amazing, while others were God-awful. I thought some who should of made it through didn't, and some that I didn't did. I guess I wasn't sure what the casting producers were looking for. Overall, working on The Voice was a great experience. The show was so well run; it was by far the most organized live production I have been involved with. I worked 10 hour days with not a minute of over time. They knew what they were doing. Hopefully one of the NYC singers will make it to the finals!

The other experience I had while I was home was meeting a producer on the set of Good Morning America. I have always dreamed about working for a show like this or the TODAY show because of how it seems to combine a lot of television that I love: live taping, some audience, news and entertainment stories, close to home, city life, and production. I was really excited to see the behind-the-scenes of the show, and it was definitely eye-opening. I was a part of the audience in the live outside segment in the middle of Times Square. I watched the judges of Project Runway speak and then stayed for a special appearance of David Beckham. Of course the set went chaotic when he arrived, so I quickly left the scene. I stayed for some time after the show and talked to a producer, walked on the live set, and saw the green rooms. Their world is definitely not as glamourous as I thought. Very little space for a big production. The set is also used for Dick Clark's New Year's Eve service, which I didn't know.

Anyway, my three days in the city was so needed, and it got me thinking a lot about working in the city. I miss home sooo much, and I can totally see myself working for somewhere like 30 Rock, but I have no idea if it will happen. After seeing GMA, I realized just how different their hours are. For producers, you usually work 11pm-noon, and that would really just play with my schedule. I am not a morning person as it is, but I don't think I could do those hours and expect to have a normal life. I miss NYC but I forget how quickly and overwhelming it becomes. Maybe someday, but for now, it was a good taste to see how entertainment productions work back at home.

Aside from that, my trip home was great and busy. I felt I could have stayed home a few more days, especially knowing that I wouldn't be returning until the holidays most likely. Just recently, as in last week, my mom told me that she is flying out here to visit me for a week the first week of November!! I am so excited you have no idea. Her coming out her to visit me is huge, and it will be a taste of home that will last me until Christmas. I will not be able to go home for Thanksgiving because of timing, no vacation days, and price. So I knew July was the last time for a while.

Anyway, I miss home, but what else is new. Home is where my family is, and they are 3000 miles a way. On days I need a hug, I wish I could just run home and get one, but that is not possible. I need to stay strong, especially as we enter my favorite time of year. I just hope that getting my career started out here will be worth it all in the end, because it is hard to be out here away from them. Thanks for making my trip home worth it guys! Love you all.

A Little Girl vs. Woman

So by now, I am sure you realize that I am a big analyzer on almost every subject in life. I try not to be, but I cannot help it. I feel like I can never turn off my brain, and it is maddening in many ways.

Well, anyway, one of the major things that I have been considering is where I am as a person. I feel like I am such a girl at heart, but the world doesn't always like that. But I feel so far from a woman because I know I have a lot of growing up to do.

I guess a lot of this comes from my first relationship, where I realize that I was not as prepared to handle certain situations the right way. Looking at it now, I see that how I act a lot of times around people is how I think they want me to react. I don't always react based on how I feel nor do I really say how I feel.

I remember last year I wrote in my other blog (Tumblr) an entry on how being brave is one trait I wish to have. This is a great example of how I don't have it. Being able to tell someone how I really feel on a situation, especially if it involves them, is not easy for me to do. So what I do instead is hold my tongue, act cool and try to remain level headed. I had the idea that no conflict means nothing is wrong, and this so isn't true. I never want to be the one to rock the boat because of how I am feeling, but I guess in the long run, holding things in is ultimately causing issues. I think realizing this is one way I have grown in the last year.

It seems like an obvious concept, but saying how you feel to someone seems like such an adult way of behaving. The kid inside of my, or the unexperienced girl in life, just wants to hide from dealing with this, but the adult side of me knows I need to face it head on. I am just afraid too.

That is just one example of how I feel torn on where I am as a person. I want to remain a kid at heart for the rest of my life. Yes, I enjoy kids activities: coloring, painting, mini-golfing, disneyland, building forts, getting ice cream, making crafts, etc. I pray that there is never a day I don't enjoy them. But does liking/participating in kid's activities make me less of a "woman"?

To be honest, I don't even like calling myself a "woman" because it sounds old, and I am really insecure about it. Just in my last post, I refer to my friends and I as "young women" for the first time ever. I like the idea of being considered young and enthusiastic about life. I just don't see myself as an adult quite yet.

That leads me to my next question, what is it that defines a woman as a woman? Is it having a husband, house and kids? Is it having her own career, being an independent person in life? Is it defined on age alone? If it is, what age is it? In this country age 18 is when you are an adult, but yet, I was never called a woman at age 18. I was called "young lady", even today this holds true. Back 200 years ago, age 14 or 15 was basically a woman because girls were expected to marry.

I guess I am lost in what I feel a true woman is. In my mind, I think being a woman involves being of a certain maturity with decent life experience under your belt where you know how you believe, think, and feel about certain situations. She knows how to truly be herself but also not just keep herself together but hold a family/friends together as well. A true woman is confident and strong, and knows how to read, interpret, and reach out to those she knows best without talking.

I can honestly say, that I am not there. Nor am I certain I will ever be there, but in our society, how do we know someone has crossed that bridge? This may be a side note, but I just wish our society really had great women roles models in pop culture. I hate seeing all the "women fighting" shows like Real Housewives or Bad Girl's Club, etc. That is such a conflicting message where grown women act like middle schoolers. I know as a future woman, that is nothing I aspire too, and I wish young girls also realize that. Maybe that contributes to why I feel confused myself.

Alright I think I made my point. I have been doing a lot of thinking about where I am on the "growing up" scale of life. I know I am a girl in many, many ways, but I am also becoming my own person. I still remain innocent about a lot of the ways of the world but at the same time, I am starting to understand how this world works or doesn't work. Girl or woman, I am liking who I am becoming, and I hope others see that. But when I return home for now, I know a few of my family members will call me a grown "woman" and I just at the thought of that, I shrink into a ball like a little girl, thus disproving their point on the spot. Sometimes I just wish Peter Pan would come and wisk me away right now towards Neverland and away from the adult world. :D

Until then... keep dreaming!

Different People, All the Same Questions

I went home at the end of July and I met up with some of my high school friends. I had a great time, but I am starting to feel the difference in time and distance spent away from them. Usually it used to feel like when I saw them, it was just like old times. Now, as we come into our own people, I am realizing that I do not know them as much as I used too. So when I met up with them this one night, I realized that even though we are different people, we were all going through the same things in different ways.

Our girl's night ended up bringing up they usual topics: boys, school, family, etc.. But what surprised me about this night was just how much we are starting to really contemplate our futures. No longer are the decision we make just because we want too. I feel like all of us are really starting to think about the future, and being young women, what do we choose for jobs, our future families, and where we want to settle.

I was surprised on how we all connected on trying to figure out where we want to settle. This is as much a mystery as it is to them. Personally, I have no clue where I want to end up, but definitely not California. I have been thinking a lot lately about the East Coast all the way to the South, but especially abroad. For the girls, some of them were also thinking the south as well as places they have never been too before. I was surprised at this because I always thought they would want to stay NorthEast forever and ever, guess not. The idea that I am not the only one trying to figure things out was comforting and really good to know. It was nice to know we are all considering many of the same things.

Of course the "boy relationship" conversations came up, and that was interesting. Some were starting to contemplate engagement, others were not. Regardless of our relationship status, we all were thinking about our futures as women. Do we want a career vs. stay at home mom? Do we want the best of both worlds? Is it really possible to have it all? I of course would love to say, yes to this, but seeing how much of a balance I have with it just being me, I can't imagine trying it with a family.

We all want a family of our own, there is no denying that. I am just shocked as to how much this matters in my decision making process because 5 years ago, I never really considered it. Now, what will happen in our futures are huge deals for us, and obviously life changers. Personally, I want a career more than anything right now. I want to go up the ladder and make a name for myself. But that is only until I want/have a family of my own. I know I want kids, and a big family, but I am unsure of what I will do in terms of a career. Deep down, I have a feeling that I will become a stay-at-home mom, like my mother was, but maybe just have a side business or projects to work on as well. I want to have a great family that is close, settled, and rooted in a good neighborhood lifestyle. I obviously cannot make this decision now, but just starting to even think about it seriously is a huge deal in all of our minds.

I guess overall, the thing that us as young women are dealing with are all the same. We know that life is ours for the taking now, and we can do what we want. But what we struggle with is how much do we let the unknown future affect our decision making process? That is one tough question, but I am glad I am not facing it alone.

It was also great to understand that even though we come from the same background, town, high school, group of friends, etc, we have such different lives. Not one of our lives are the same. That is so exciting. I look forward to what the future brings, but I am also scared to see it come true. We go forwards with no idea of what will come, but we have our dreams, and we have our questions. Hopefully we will find answers on the way.

Late Life Bloomer

Looking at my life, I guess like many people my age, I say how I am not as far as I would like to be in life. I thought that by the time I was 24, I would have completed two years of working experience, finished my first job and looking for a promotion, I would be living abroad studying for my business degree in London, and hopefully in a serious relationship and traveling the world/Europe.

Well, as you know, none of those hopes and dreams for myself have come true. I am not sad, but I am disappointed. Many say it's the economy, it's the job market, it's school competition or whatever. Say what you want of it, but I have just come to realize that it may be some or all of that, but in the midst of trying to put the blame somewhere, I have discovered that I am a late bloomer in life. I just need to accept that.

Think about it. First, the job. 2.5 years out of school, I am now just starting my first job. I have two years of work experience, but not consistent enough to get me a job promotion. I just landed my first real job - entry level job. Don't get me wrong, this is not a bad thing. It was just the cards I have been dealt. I was not meant to get a job with the economy until now. As I look at Facebook and LinkedIn, I see there are several high school and college classmates that are now into their second or third jobs. Some have gotten great promotions and are making good money. Me... I just started. I feel somewhat behind I guess, but that is just what I was meant to be.

Second, apartment living... Many of my close friends as well as family members are more settled than I am. For example, my brother has had his own apartment fully furnished and decorated for over a year. As for me? I do not own a single piece of furniture. I don't even own the pillows that I sleep on. I am 24 years old, and at my age, my parents were already married and moved into their own apartment. I am no where near that stage in my life. Most of my friends who are living in other cities have their places/apartments, and some are now getting married and moving into a nice house. I just look forward to the day that I decorate my own room and have a place to call mine. I cannot wait!! But for now, I am still living in someone's place... a late bloomer for settling into my own space

Boys, Relationships & Marriage- Being that I am 24, I know I should not be really looking into getting married right now, but enjoying life as it comes. Well this is much easier said than done. At this stage in my life, I thought I would be in a serious relationship that was possibly close to engagement or at least heading there. I am no where near there.

I am just a late bloomer with any boy experience. In high school, I never dated. I had a few crushes, sure, but they went rejected and unnoticed. I couldn't get any boy's attention. Maybe it was because I was super busy, they were immature, or whatever, but it just didn't happen. I didn't have a boy friend in college either, and I didn't have my first kiss until I was 21 just because I gave up on the idea of making it special and was just curious about that part of life. Boys were just never a part of my life that I have experienced.

So coming back to relationships, I am also realize a late bloomer for this too. When majority of my high school friends have been in a 2-3 year relationship or are close to engagement, I have just had my first relationship of 8 months. He and I broke up for various reasons in August, and it was really hard for me. Guess I am also a late bloomer when dealing with your first heart-break. Go figure. My point was that at an age when my parents were already married, I am just entering the world of dating.

Anyway, I just wanted to highlight some of the ways I feel like I am either behind or just starting to come into my own. I am not trying to compare my life to anyone else's because I love my life. It is just I cannot help but to feel behind in several ways in terms of where society expects you to be, where I expected myself to be, and where I hope to be. I know my time is slowly coming just because I am starting to be able to settle now that I have the job. It just took two years to get there.

So to all my fellow late bloomers, don't rush life. I am trying not to sprint through it as I had been. Take the fact that in time you will become your own person with pride. It is something I am working on, and I am growing at my own pace. For that I am proud of myself.

I'm Back!

Okay, Bloggers, so by now, I am sure you know I usually fall behind a few months in my blog posts, but come back again eventually. Well, this is the time I come back. Sorry for being absent again. A lot has happened in the last three months since I posted, and I cannot wait to catch you up on it all. So let's get started!

I have come to realize that this blog is not necessarily going to be about the job hunting anymore, since I have landed a position finally. I am going to take this as a general discussion blog with topics that come into my head as I experience them. I hope to have a post about once a week, but we will see if that stays. Maybe it will just be as topics come to me.

Over the last three months, I have had many topics on life and relationships enter big discussions with my friends, family, and myself. I am not sure what life has in store for me at this point, but it seems that things are definitely changing whether or not I am ready for them.

Alright, here we go. Thanks for following!

Ashley