I am writing this to you at 3:22am because I cannot sleep at all. Even though I am getting up in less than 6 hours, I can never sleep the night before I travel.
That's right... I am going back to LA tomorrow. Wow, as I typed "LA" I caught myself typing "Home" before I deleted it. I guess I am not sure which one is my home much anymore. Burbank is my current home and where my current life is, but NJ/East Coast is where my heart is... that is my home too. So am I returning home or leaving it? Not sure.
I cannot believe how fast two weeks has gone by. It seriously flew by! I usually find myself bored in Chatham by the first few days, but not this time. Does that mean I just had a lot of stuff to do, or does that mean I need to stay longer? I know I could. I could easily stay another two weeks, if not more, just to figure out meetings and interviews in NYC. Maybe next time I will have a better organized trip with a purpose to NYC.
I think I accomplished everything I wanted too while I was home. I figured out car insurance, health insurance plan, residency, back issues, NYC meetings, and spent time with family. I wish I could have seen more of my friends, but their lives have also gone in another direction. I am mad that I am missing my good high school friend, who returns from her year abroad in China, by less than 72 hours. I did, however, get to see my sister for a little more than 24. So that was worth it!
Looking back at these two weeks, I can see how I have changed as a person. I have never been away from home this long before (9 months), and so much of my life has changed in those 9 months; I just didn't know how much.
First off, I see just how much I am different from my parents. I think I am starting to come into my own person now and really owning it. I do things differently than my parents, and I think differently than they do. Being my main influencers on life, I see now that I do not have to be exactly like them in those respects. It is hard to mentally separate yourself and accept your ways when you are still dependent on them for survival.
Secondly, I have realized just how much I am like my grandmother. I really am a younger version of her, and I want to be just like her as I grow older (notice I did not say, "When I grow up.") She is so free loving and affectionate. I have never thought I was unaffectionate, but I have come to realize just how affectionate I want to be as a person. I guess I have my boyfriend to thank for this as well. I found myself wanting to give more hugs than I received, and I had to stop myself several times from asking for too many. My family is full of love, but we are definitely not the most affectionate; its just our nature, and I want to be different than that. I now see I want to be just like my grandmother because she is always the one I can count on for a any form of love...hug, back rub, or even hand holding. I want to be able to give others that appreciation and love as well. This is one area in which I know I want to mature when I return to the West coast.
I also felt I have finally grown out of my room. Despite it being my childhood room and full of memories, I want to have a more sophisticated room; one that I can feel comfortable revealing to my new friends and future guests, and not one that looks like a 10 year old girls' room. So a makeover will be rendered someday.
I have also noticed just how much having a relationship means to me. I though being away from my boyfriend was going to be a lot easier than it actually was. I thought about him a lot, everyday honestly. My family asked about him too, so I talked about him everyday and thought about our times within the few months we have been together.
I was really happy to meet up with him in the city this week for two days since our schedules coincided; and it was amazing! I am starting to realize what it means to become "invested" with someone. Let's just say my relationship has become more important to me than I will comfortably admit in public. :D
And lastly, I have realized just how strong I can be. In the last post I told you about a 3 month job offer that came through. Well, I am proud enough to stand by my decision and state that I denied the offer! what??! Did you see that coming... or not?
I was so nervous to tell the company about passing up their offer, so I avoided it for two days, and thought more and more about the whole situation. I basically came to the conclusion that I have better outstanding offers coming up in the near future that will better suit my personality and career path. As the days passed, situations unfolded, and I felt less and less sold on the idea for various confidential reasons.
But today I was able to tell the executives "no, but thank you" in a very professional manner and still keep my connection with them. I feel good about my decision, and now I just have to work even harder to get where I want to be. Calling them and saying "no" resulted in a boost of self-confidence and pride in my ability to stand up for myself. I never compromised myself or my morals, and I was not tempted by money. I am stronger than I thought I was, and discovering that about yourself is such an amazing feeling... like you're invincible. I know I have what it takes to make it now, I just needed to realize that again.
So spending my last night at home, I am able to refocus myself for the upcoming weeks. I have a new and refreshed perspective on my life out in LA. As much as I do not want to leave home, I have some promising leads that I hope manifest themselves soon. I will continue to work hard for what I want, and I will continue to grow.
I never thought I would be ready to grow up, but looking at myself now, I feel like the time is coming for me. Time for me to grow up because I want to become a better person: professionally, personally, socially, and lovingly.
Being in your early/mid twenties during the Great Recession has brought on 2 years of identity crisis for most Americans. Well, I can say I am really starting to own myself and realize I do want to grow up now, and I do want to be my own person. I thank God for all that I have and all that I grew up with, but I know I have the tools I need to make something of myself. I just hope that is sooner rather than later.
Until that time comes... I really need to get some sleep. Goodnight bloggers, goodnight home, and hello California.
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