As of tonight, I left Orlando, Florida a month ago today. For those who do not know me, I work during breaks at Walt Disney World, but I recently had to leave. The circumstances for why I left are insignificant now other than they were really out of my control. Yes, I knew I was eventually going to leave soon, and I really just needed life to tell me when that time was. That happened. I left. Honestly, if life didn't take control like I prayed it would, I don't think I would have left.
I am the type of person who just wants to feel comfortable and like I fit in to my environment. I never got that feeling with Boston (which will be explained in a later entry), and I never really felt that with my high school buddies. Sure, I was liked and got along with others, but I never felt a coherent part of a group. Of the group of girls I hung out with in high school, I don't see them that much because my dreams, goals, and personalities have always been different than others. I have always been a bit of an outsider. I don't mind it now, but it was awful during those middle school years.
Anyway, Orlando is basically the only place where I feel I can be totally me. Totally free. I explain to those who know me that I have two sides: my serious/northeastern side and my silly side. I LOVE the person who I am when my silly side dominates. In Orlando, I laugh as if I have never laughed before, act as if I am the super star in my own play, and honestly, I don't care who sees me. When I am in NJ, I am expected to be serious, ambitious, professional, and well...reserved. It is just the northeast way of life.
Maybe it's the difference in culture, lifestyle, whatever; but I don't think so, for most of my friends I have in Orlando are not originally from Orlando. They cross the whole span of the USA. It is not the area that makes me love my life in Orlando, it is the people, the friendships.
These friendships are hard to explain to others outside of the Disney area, but there is just a strong and undeniable bond you have with any person you meet there. People meet so easily because we all have given up a life back at home to be here, all here for the same reason: we all felt an urge to be there. This bond becomes so strong, what would take 5 years in a friendship to know someone would take 5 weeks here. This bond of everyone having to work together, live together, hang together, you actually HAVE to become friends or else you will be miserable. People here come in and out so quickly, but we always find a way to come back.
This strong connection that I have with these people, is what many go without in a lifetime, and I am so lucky that I have experienced. Looking back at it now, I can say that Orlando was where I became an adult. I never felt so happy with myself, I learned so much of my good and bad qualities. It has brought out the good in me. It was my coming of age story.
This is why I have been going back for 3.5 years. This is why I went back for 7 months after graduation. The friendships that I have feel as if they are unbreakable. I wish I could take my friends with me wherever I go in life, but I know that cannot happen.
Orlando itself is not an area I would ever want to live life permanently, it is where I escape from it. It is hard for my friends and family to get why I leave so often, and it is hard to tell my FL friends why I don't stay. I just hope they get it eventually.
But all good things come to an end. I left a month ago today, and this day became the hardest day of my, young adult life. Not an inch of my body and heart wanted to leave what is my home, but duty called. It is hard to say that I am moving on, because I know it will never officially end for me. As long as my friends are there, then I have a home to go back too, and how long can one deny returning home?
I believe whole heartedly that things happen for a reason. I may not have been ready to leave a month ago, but there was a purpose to why I did. I may not ever understand it, but it is all part of the plan.
This last month has been full of emotions. Sadness, loneliness, fear, hope, happiness, anger, excitement... you name it I have felt it and still feel it.
If you ask me "How am I doing?" Well...I am doing a LOT better. The days are getting easier. At first I could barely hold back tears as I realized my move back home meant no independence. I felt as if I failed. I failed and came back with nothing more than 30 bucks to show for it. Now the days go by with little to no excitement. I wake up at 11.30, do sudoku, ride the excercise bike, go on the computer and apply for jobs. That is my day. There are days I get sad, but I realize that something bigger is coming. I do not have tears anymore, but just the occasional sadness filled with great anxiousness.
I am realizing the fact that life is not meant to be planned and predictable, it's just the opposite. I am just glad I finally found the place and the people that I just click with, even if it was only meant to be temporary.
I miss FL, Disney, my friends, my apt...my roommate especially. I just cannot wait to return one day. I just hope life points me in the right direction again because I surrender all control.
Thank you Orlando for your hospitality.
It has been a month back in NJ. Only God knows how much longer.
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